On the other side

[Agent_99]

Hi all,

 

I just wanted to update everyone. After the huge dramatic ending, I have relaxed and started dating. I mean seriously dating too. And I've met a couple wonderful women recently and I finally feel hope for a future that involves a 'real' relationship. A friend told me that I am in a place to give my heart to someone who deserves it now.

 

Right now I'm at the stage where I look back and wonder how the heck I let myself get so entangled in MW and her life.

How did I allow myself to be part of something that I would NEVER want done to me? Why did I rationalize that it was okay because BS didn't seem to WANT to know about the A, no matter how many clues came into her life. How did I rationalize that even though I wasn't lying, I was helping someone I cared about lie about their entire life?

I still love her, she is a very special person, just very bad with emotional and relationship boundaries. But I no longer feel the burning need to have that love returned in any sort of outward expression. Because I work with her I see her pretty frequently, but I have put in for a transfer to another department.

It hurts to see her most times and I still miss our friendship, she was a huge part of my life for over a year, so of course I miss all the positive things she gave to me. But I DO NOT MISS the draining feeling of the emotional rollercoaster. I don't miss hurting and crying myself to sleep thinking about her laying next to her gf at night.

The first weeks after it ended were very hard. It took a lot of willpower to just 'let go' to let go of the hope for a someday, to let go of wanting to know that she was okay, to let go of yearning for her touch. But I stayed focused and worked through it. We have talked a time or two since it ended and honestly that helped me find closure.

 

Please to all the OW and OM out there. It really is possible to end it and be okay when you reach the other side. I was so afraid of all the pain I would feel at loosing her, I couldn't stop to see all the pain I was really in, and boy how did I try to convince myself that I could deal with it.I think you all got to see that on here. It's like ripping a band-aid off. Slow and painful or fast and painful, either way at some point it has to come off.

 

If they say that cant leave their home, they mean it, no matter how special they make you feel. Yes you are special to them, just not enough to give you anything in the real world, words vs actions. If they say they love you and they will leave someday, why someday, why not today? Someday may never come for so many reasons.

 

Something that helped me though was thinking about words vs actions. Something I learned about here.

 

So thank you all LS posters. You have been great support in learning about and how to disengage from an affair.

 

~Agent 99

[whichwayisup]

Hey 99! Glad to hear you're dating and having fun.

 

You've worked very hard on healing and moving on, so you should be proud of yourself!

[tyler123]

I have been on this for 1 week now and i give a lot of thanks to all you for your honestly and perspective. I too cant believe how delusional I was and self aware at the sametime.. I tolerated laying in bed with my MW 1000 of times while she took phone calls from her BS and other family members and i was turned off and saw how manipulitive my MW could be-- but i have learned it was more about ME i tolerated in, and encouraged it out of TOTAL SELFISHNESS and holding onto the few hours a day i could have alone with her. I read the posts and it has been a great support to move on throughout the day. I ask myself how was i so self abusing--- what kind of relationship is it when you have to listen to your MM take phone calls where you are told "SHHHH dont talk" and have to deal with the MM/MW lie about their whereabouts and say " i love you too" - looking back on the last 2yrs I can not believe i abused myself so badly, but I don't regret it - I did it and AGENT 99 like you said " things do get better if we work through the pain and realize we were filled with the wrong kind of hope. I hoped for 2yrs that my MW would take action on her words that I was " the best lover" " the best lover" unfortunately her action at the end of each day was GOING HOME TO HER FAMILY - i was aware of it but believed that it would one day change. What i realize today is that is her safety net and where her security and love is. Whenever we had tried to end things in the past she would get upset at me that I was "viewed as the victim" she wanted to share that role as she claimed " she was the victim that it is so difficult for her to stay at home when her mind was thinking about being with me"" --- just another example of a MM/MW who has thought/ words/ feelings but no desire to change or act. I need to be honest with myself as i am commited to moving on- " is this the type of person i really want to be with"...

 

I would love to get some insight on MM/ MW and why they talk/ think/ feel but choose to live a mediocre to UNhappy marriage...Also in the month that we have had NC is it too much credit for me to take that she has begun picking up her pill problem again but saying it is because her tooth hurts, stomach, head etc.. .is that just a coincidence or maybe she is now dealing with her reality but can not do so without Vicodine....? I care about her still and want the best for her but it does make me think that she is uncomfortable with her choice to stay in her M....

[Agent_99]

Tyler~ I understand what you are saying. I know how MW and her partner interact, that they have a dysfunctional relationship and yet MW chooses to stay. She used to say that it hurt her feelings when I would tell her that she would eventually find another affair partner, but I think it is the truth.

 

What you said about her being the victim, hits close to home. She always tried to tell me that i would be the one to break her heart, and I'm like WTF? Part of why, in my opinion, she stays in her marriage is a victim thing, she can martyr herself to the idea of preserving the family for the kids, while being a victim of HAVING to stay. She doesn't have to accept responsibility for being unhappy, because this way it's not her fault.

 

For me personally it was a matter of letting go, of allowing myself to be hurt and angry and feel the whole batch of emotions, and know that I CAN NOT turn to her for comfort. AND the big one, was not allowing her to turn to me for comfort. That one about did me in, but I had to let that go.

 

That is it though, I realized that no matter how much I loved her, she had no desire to change anything in her life. Even when I tried to support her in repairing her relationship, she would tell me that it was no use, that it had always been that way and BS was happy with how it was.

 

There are obviously things I still need to sort through, but I am learning how to do this on my own, rather than turn to her. It was great to have someone I could talk to about anything, but it was also part of the 'trap' of the affair.

 

~99

[jj33]

Congrats 99 am so glad you are dating and feeling better.

[Agent_99]

Thanks jj, so am I. The first week or so of no contact, while I was hurting, there was such a sense of relief that there would be no emotional drama.

 

~99

[tyler123]

Agent 99 (wow) it really gives me strength and hope to know that my A was not unique... I totally get the "trap" - MW HATED that i was perceived as the victim and now it seems she goes out of her way to tell a onesided version of our A so she can be the martyr- frustrating as hell to think that she is so delusional that she actually probably is starting to believe her story... But what is helping me grow as it seems you as well is the fact that I can not take it personally. IF i do not take it personally the issue does not have to become mine- and mess with my head. I am learning that ones opinion as they share it with others speaks more about them - and i do not have to "set any records straight or get defensive" - the important thing is that in order for me to keep moving forward is to see how i do not want to act or behave and ask myself honestly "is this the type of person i really want to be with?". It helps me be honest with myself and say "my life was on hold and now i can move forward and deal with the pain / anger/ etc that encompasses losing a loved one but to be grateful that my life just opened up to many possibilities of getting healthy- getting healthy really is an "inside job" - it sure was nice to feel appreciated, loved and wanted, needed by my MW but what did I really get the same in return? I got it back in return on less than a part time basis but the majority of the time i got the truth " I can't be there for you the way you are for me-- because i am married and have kids.... looking back it is clear her #1 priority was not getting caught or having to face the consequences or her Affair.. Praying for her and wishing the best for her also eases my anixiety and emotions versus resenting her...

[Agent_99]

Tyler~ I found LS in July, and it really shocked me to learn that my affair was not unique either. I still believe that we shared something really special, but I also now see the possibility of sharing something really special with someone who wants and deserves all I have to offer.

MW still chases after me, even after being the one who told me not to talk to her (she says it was to protect me from the harrassment). I told her that when she broke that promise to me (As she had promised that we would never stop talking to each other) She broke a major part of the bond between us.

 

We had actually ended the affair about 2 weeks prior and were working on becoming friends. I'll always remember the feeling I felt when I heard those words come out of her mouth. It was terrible. If I had been able to cry at that point I may have been able to deal with it a little faster, but I was at work, and had to hold it in. It was terrible because I guess I looked like someone had died. Everyone kept asking me what was wrong.

 

So I left her alone, and started healing and letting go. Now even though she tries to talk to me and call me, I am strong enough to tell her no, to leave me alone. There are times I talk to her, because I have questions and it is hard for me to leave so many things unanswered.

 

I felt so completly disposable to her. And in one of our after conversations I toldher that, she tried to tell me that wasn't true, but I was like, how was I not? She had no answer except that it makes her feel like an @ss. My reply was well. . . ?

 

Even now she can't get her act together to truly salvage her relationship with her gf. She still tries to tell me she loves me etc. I just keep thinking that we have been through so much so that you DON"T loose your gf, why keep risking it? It's so pointless.

 

I have made the decision in the last day or so to move away as soon as my Mom gets settled, she has had to move in with me, So i'm giving her time to get her things in order and her life figured out.

 

MW will always keep trying to be part of my life while I live here and I now realize that it will always hurt to see her. It is too small of a town not to, plus she knows my life too well.

 

Besides that I'm afraid of what BS would do if she thought that MW and I kept talking to each other. I am truly afraid now, because BS seems to keep appearing in places where she thinks MW and I might be able to meet up.

 

I planned to wait to move to the nearest city when I graduated college, but I think that I will do it sooner, probably in the springtime.