I know it's not that bad but someone tell me I am just being silly....

[Jozza]

HI all,

 

My bf and I have been going out for over 12 months (at least that's what i think, you will see what i mean). Everything was great for the first 11 months until one night when we were out with a bunch of his friends.

 

Over dinner, the friends were talking about one of their nights at a magazine launch party in Hong Kong where my boyfriend drank so much (free alcohol) that he puked. THen one of his friends was a bit drunk and blurted out: aw yeah that night when you kissed that girl.........

 

Everyone on the table heard it and I heard it of course, I sat next to him! But I didn't want to appear all jealous and acted as though it didn't matter but I knew it had happened when we first started going out -

 

he had already booked a holiday overseas before he met me and he went away for a month one week after we started to call each other boyfriend/girlfriend. I said to him before he went that he could dance with other girls (his friends in HK are single, at least some of them) but cannot kiss them.

 

Anyway, later that night, he fessed up and said that he was so drunk he wasn't really that conscious and the girl kissed him (his friends saw what happened and told him the next day that the girl was 'ugly'). I was hurt of course and my boyfriend kept on saying sorry and even cried because I was crying. He said it was a mistake and that even though we talked everyday while he was on holidays "emails and phone calls can only go so far". He also said that he didn't know if we were really going out (see what i mean now?).

 

But he said that he loves me now and told his mum that he wanted to propose to me next year. I do not doubt that he loves me now but what happened made me feel stupid because obviously we weren't on the same page at the start.

 

AND THEN FOR THE PAST MONTH I HAVE BECOME LESS TRUSTING WITH HIM AND MADE THE MISTAKE THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE MAKE: I looked at he email and facebook accounts (i knew the passport because once he was logging in, he accidently typed the password in the user name bar in front of me).

 

I recently found out that when he got back from overseas in Dec last year, he and this girl in HK (who he met back in 2006) started messaging each other on facebook and stuff. The messaging stopped in Jan this year (52 messages between them two in total) presumably because he started to truly commit to me.

 

I haven't read the messages in detail, they were pretty long but he never mentioned he had a girlfriend in them, He would talk about doing things and going to places (he did those with me) but in the messages he never mentioned me to the girl. We spend 6 -7 days a week together nowadays so i know he doesn't talk to other girls.

 

Mind you, please don't think he's some jerk, he is very nice and kind to me. He does love me.

 

But it feels like that the first 3 months of our relationship was a sham and i was living in my own little world thinking we were going out. Am i thinking too much and should i just let it go? But it feels like i have been cheated on.

 

Please help me!

[konfuzd]

I know exactly the pain you feel. I found out about 8 months into seeing my bf that he slept with another girl after we had started going out (in my mind).

 

We've talked endlessly about it, and he promises me he would never cheat on me. We were still in that uncertain time when we hadn't discussed the status of our 'relationship'.

 

He told me he broke it off with her as soon as we decided we were in a relationship, and he has remained faithful since.

 

In my own research in dealing with my problem, I read an article about how guys will often pursue another girl when they get the feeling a relationship is developing with someone else. It's kind of like a 'last horrah' so to speak. In a weird way, kissing the other girl may have been an indication that he was completely into you. He wanted one last 'first kiss' before he entered a LTR with you.

 

I discussed this with my bf, and he agreed it probably has some merit to it, as he was afraid of getting into a relationship at that time and losing some of his freedom.

 

I understand you still have the feelings of betrayal, and I don't think you are being silly, but at the same time, he sounds like he is a good partner, and you should do your best to look forward and not let this stand in the way of having a wonderful relationship.

 

Good luck

[PrincessPeach]

You're just being silly.

 

...seriously though, sounds like a great guy and I wouldn't worry about it.

 

But don't go through his stuff. You will almost always find something you don't like based on the context you find it in. I'm sure if he did the same to you he would find something he didn't like too, even if you didn't do anything wrong. When we look for bad things and they aren't really there, we find or percieve there to be bad things anyway because of our mindset when snooping.

 

Plus you bringing things up that you found will make him feel like you have betrayed his trust and only work to push him away from you.

[Jozza]

Thank you girls for your reply.

 

I know my boyfriend is a good guy, I even know that if it wasn't for the fact that I am still studying (I am 6 years younger than him, he's 30 already), he would put a ring on my finger already to lock me in.

 

I am over it now. I spoke to a friend and i think he's right about the feelings i am experiencing: I have stopped being naive and what happened with my boyfriend is something that has taken away the innocence from our relationship (I know now not to trust him fully not because he's not trustworthy but because he, like all of us, are human and frail and thus cannot be expected to do the right thing 100% of the time, I am becoming more realistic).

 

I guess I now am maturing (at least on the inside) and know I love him and he loves me. As long as he loves me now, I can't ask for anything more.

 

But PrincessPeach, I have stopped looking through his stuff anyway. THanks for your advice!