My husband has refrained from being intimate with me

[carhill]

And, even if you're not young and not as healthy

 

OP, if you want your H at home more, talk with him about it. No need to "whine". Tell him what you want, rather than complain about what is going on. This is a key factor in communication that we worked on in MC. Focusing on affirmative action rather than negative action. Commit to a new/different positive action rather than "stopping" a negative action.

 

I get the sense that you're at your wit's end and really don't have the tools or life experience to deal with your current marital dynamic. That's OK. You're learning each day. Acknowledge your emotional perspective and understand that your H's likely is different. You'll need to meet somewhere in the middle. If you feel you are bending too much and he bends little or not at all, then talk with him about that. Again, positive messages.

 

With all that, at some point, you'll have to decides whether you're compatible. I know, for myself, the few times I've made comments equal to the painful and inappropriate ones your H has made when you wanted sex (mine had nothing to do with that topic), it was because I was frustrated out of my mind and communicated it inappropriately. Now I say exactly what is going on inside, like "I'm really frustrated here and I can't deal with this or you right now" and then disconnect and return to it later. I mention this because there are/may be things which are frustrating your H, perhaps having to do with you and perhaps not, that he is communicating inappropriately.

 

Regarding sexuality, if you sense he has attraction to men, just ask him straight out. It's OK if he's gay or bi-sexual but he needs to be honest about it, with you. If he's bi-sexual, he can still have a healthy monogamous R with a woman, just like a hetero man does. He just chooses not to act on his attractions to men (or women); his W is his primary intimate relationship. Pretty simple If he's gay, then he really should let you go and find himself a man to be with.

 

Upthread, you mentioned lack of physical affection. I know, when I emotionally disconnected my wife and didn't feel any sexual attraction to her, I still felt compassion and empathy and did still show her physical affection. The difference was that there was no sexual passion behind it. Perhaps that is hard to explain properly, but it is the intent behind the action which changed. OTOH, she's always showed me little physical affection and that was a factor in her part of our marital discord. There was a disconnect of emotional/physical perspective. Maybe you see some parallels.

 

All I can say is that MC helped us see the perspectives/disconnects/actions/words much more clearly. Going through it doesn't mean the M is automatically saved, rather it facilitates us to make decisions and approach the relationship with more clarity. If you can afford it, give it a try.

[crazieshnurple]

You accused him of being bi? Guys who are bi don't read Penthouse usually!!

 

That might have something to do with him being sort of upset with you and not being in synch with you sexually right now! The brain is the biggest sex organ we have, and if he is angry with you, then that will carry straight on down to his pecker.

 

And what is the deal with teasing him but then "taking back" the tease? You can still wear lingerie, even if you have your period. You can even have shallow penetration with a tampon in (although you may have to fish for the string later!), or even just on a towel, or in the shower, or use this thing they sell like a cervical cap. If you want to turn a man on, you don't show him something and then say, "But not tonight - I'm on my period" like you are a prim schoolmarm.

 

But it doesn't sound like yall are having good communication, either in or out of the bedroom. A little couples counseling is in order. If he won't go, then tell him that you'd like a weekend away "to think".

 

Have you read any of the other posts? She has been doing everything he can, and this guy is not only ignoring and dismissing her efforts but is also probably gay.

[Lucky_One]

Yes, I read them all.

 

And I still stand by my advice.

 

There was a Richard Pryor thing, about being with some girl and they get you hot and bothered. ""(She says:) I'm not giving up anything. I'm on my period." "You're on your period again? You're gonna bleed to death, bitch?""

 

My point is - you don't put on lingerie to tease your lover and then put it away in a drawer because you are on your period - esp if you are complaining that he doesn't want to have sex.

[RecordProducer]

Most sexually starved married people want to figure out WHY because they think if they discover the reason, they will be able to eliminate it and have a good sex life.

 

When you realize that discovering the reason for a sexless marriage is just that - discovering the reason and nothing will ever change - you stop looking for the reason.

[serial muse]

Yes, I read them all.

 

And I still stand by my advice.

 

There was a Richard Pryor thing, about being with some girl and they get you hot and bothered. ""(She says:) I'm not giving up anything. I'm on my period." "You're on your period again? You're gonna bleed to death, bitch?""

 

My point is - you don't put on lingerie to tease your lover and then put it away in a drawer because you are on your period - esp if you are complaining that he doesn't want to have sex.

 

Wow, you guys are really tough on this poor girl. But read it again - she didn't put it on. She showed it to him - meaning, she probably hauled out the box and said, "check it out, baby." She didn't model it; that's the whole point. She felt like it'd be messy to actually wear the lingerie while on her period, so she'll just wait a week. Yeesh.

 

Seriously. Wow. I don't see the big deal about saying to one's SO teasingly, look what I got for yoooouuuu....why so harsh? Why aren't we celebrating how hard she's trying, by buying lingerie in the first place? It's like, I read threads all the time on here where people complain about how their wives/GFs don't want sex, don't want to wear sexy clothes, yadda schmadda.

[jmargel]

Hi,

 

Its me Cassandra. I must have the most issues in a marriage than anyone else because I keep posting here.

 

All replies to my posts have been helpful so I thank you.

 

If my husband is working late most nights of the week and plays hockey 3 times a week (Sat or Sun or Friday) depending on the schedule, do you think I am being whiny about him not being home anymore?

 

Cassandra:(

 

You sure he's actually playing hockey? Why not goto one of his games? And working late.. That's the most overused excuse to have an affair.

[Lucky_One]

Wow, you guys are really tough on this poor girl. But read it again - she didn't put it on. She showed it to him - meaning, she probably hauled out the box and said, "check it out, baby." She didn't model it; that's the whole point. She felt like it'd be messy to actually wear the lingerie while on her period, so she'll just wait a week. Yeesh.

 

Seriously. Wow. I don't see the big deal about saying to one's SO teasingly, look what I got for yoooouuuu....why so harsh? Why aren't we celebrating how hard she's trying, by buying lingerie in the first place? It's like, I read threads all the time on here where people complain about how their wives/GFs don't want sex, don't want to wear sexy clothes, yadda schmadda.

 

I do think that she is doing the right thing - halfway. But when the single biggest issue in your life right now is the lack of sex in your marriage, you don't try to jumpstart the engine when you aren't even going to sit in the car.

[Lucky_One]

You sure he's actually playing hockey? Why not goto one of his games? And working late.. That's the most overused excuse to have an affair.

 

An excellent point. Would explain why he is tired and doesn't want to have sex with you.

 

And even if he's not having an EMA, why not join him in some of his hobbies and interests? Spending time together doing things outside the home is a good way to re-connect and to make each other remember why you were attracted to each other in the first place.

[serial muse]

I do think that she is doing the right thing - halfway. But when the single biggest issue in your life right now is the lack of sex in your marriage, you don't try to jumpstart the engine when you aren't even going to sit in the car.

 

But again...I may be misunderstanding, but apparently she had every hope of actually having sex! He's the one who didn't want to. She wanted to give him a massage, even - he just wasn't into it. The only thing she didn't want to do right then was wear that particular skimpy outfit that day. But it wasn't a matter of revving the engine and then walking away. She would, it seems, have been perfectly happy to sit in the car, and more.

 

I really wonder if we're reading the same thread...am I missing something here? Where did she say she didn't want to have sex?

[Wicked Smile]

It sounds like he is depressed and facing something on his own rather than sharing what is going on or is going through a dip in libido. Sorry he called you a skank. I doubt he meant it. Men, me included, are kind of nippy about anything sexually related - performance, libido, size etc. Even the best of us deal with it to some degree. So when issues arise in the bedroom it gets amplified in our heads...no pun intended.

 

Sometimes a man may need a wake up call. I usually do not recommend this as it kind of sucks to be on the receiving end of it, but you might consider telling him that your needs in the bedroom are not being met. This will kind of shock him. He'll be upset. But then like most men he will contemplate this on his own time and it will start to sink in. Remember you can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

Eitherway, good luck with this. Intimacy is a BIG part of a marriage. It solidifies your love, relieves stress and brings you closer.

[TabulaRasa]

I really hope you don't excuse him from calling you a skank. Completely unacceptable.

[loveratud]

you might consider telling him that your needs in the bedroom are not being met. This will kind of shock him. He'll be upset. But then like most men he will contemplate this on his own time and it will start to sink in. Remember you can drag a horse to water but you can't make him drink.

 

This would just drive me further away and pretty much guarantee there would be no sex. You don't want to add more pressure to the situation!

[elaina]

:(hi,

 

I have a problem. Is it normal for a newly wed couple like myself to not have sex for a little over a month. I am expressed my concerns with my husband and he gives me the same old answer and that is that he is too tired. He plays hockey 3 times a week and when he isn't playing hockey, he says he is tired and after hockey, he says he is too tired.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel so sad and I don't understand what is wrong. If he would put aside time to be intimate with me than I wouldn't be worried. I mean, even if it was just once every two weeks, I wouldn't mind because I am not too sexual of a person, but what really upset me was I have been complaining to him about this and I feel totally stupid and cheap... like some crazy over sexed woman but I am not because I never was so concerned about sex before but because he has stopped it completely with me has me worried.

 

When he does play hockey he comes home late and I am asleep when he does get home. I don't want to complain about this anymore.

 

Tonight when I brought up the topic again, he finally got mad and said you're such a skank! I was so hurt. I know he didn't mean that because he said he was just annoyed but now he really made me feel like I can never again ask him about this issue because I know what a skank is...

 

Could someone please help. Feeling so sad and unloved.

 

Cassandra

 

I am so sorry. I would suggest telling him that if considers you, the woman he said he loves and married "a skank" and gets mad at you for wanting to have sex with him after a whole month has passed, then ya'll should start the divorce proceedings. This man has serious issues, and if he has a temper, please find a women's shelter to move into...

 

I understand why you are feeling so sad and unloved... that is not how a healthy man loves his wife.

 

Please take care of yourself. Don't let him bully you.