:husband vs. the one i cheated with

[themandme]

This story is nine years in the making. I married my husband young cause I thought that he was the only one i was going to find. About a year after I married, I met a married man, and we instantly clicked. It was what i was always looking for, we had long inimate talks, great sex, i truely believed he was my soulmate. The affair was already going on for a year and then i became pregnant in March. He was still with is his wife and i was still with my husband, but we (my husband and i) had already planned that i would be leaving at the end of June before i found out i was pregnant.

Summer- mm and me were together for the month of July

August - he left to take his son back to his wife and stayed there, i had no contact with him and clueless as to what he was doing or thinking

Sept - he came back and said he wanted to be with me

October - he started another relationship with another woman

We didnt live in the same town, he lived four hours away from me. He would come and see me

Dec- my son was born.

Jan - I found out about the other woman he was seeing and he picked her over me. I was completely devasted. Heartbroken.

 

Wounded and Heartbroken I went back to my husband, with the child of another man. I told him I was sorry and eventually he took me back with my son. They love each other so much, but me I have always tried to be happy with my husband. Figured it was karma that I couldnt love my husband the way I did the other man, so I still thought of the love I had with the father of my son. Tried to push it out of my mind, but i think i just shoved it on a back shelf if that is even a good metephor. I am so grateful to my husband and the life we have built is good, really good, but I dont think I ever let go of my son's biological father. The love i felt with him feels more deeper then the love i have ever felt with my own husband. And believe me I prayed to find that same kind of love with my husband.

 

So no I have been with my husband for four years, the father of my son is back. I was the one who first initiated contact, just to let him know that his son was aware that he has another father. And the relationship has been growing from there. At first it was just friendly exchanges, then some reminicising, and then admitting we missed each other.

 

Now he says he is ready to give himself completely to me and that he has always loved me, and that he ran away from me because i was getting to close to his heart. I scared him.

 

Reading over what I wrote, seems like it should be a no brainer, but I still love him. I know there is no guarantee that he will stay, but i almost seems worth trying for.

 

the flipside, i think of my husband, this would destroy him, my son would be confused. My family and friends would be so hurt.

 

Please let know your thoughts.

[dannydrifter]

You have humiliated and already caused a great deal of pain and suffering to your husband, and now you are contemplating doing more.

 

This will sound hard, but in all honesty my dear, I think you are crazy and you need some serious help.

 

God help your poor husband.

[Yamaha]

seems like it should be a no brainier,

 

Should be a no brainier.

Just because you love this other man doesn't mean he is right for you or should be in your life. You have to use your head as well as your heart to discover your answer.

[lkjh]

This is very selfish, not only do you put your husband behind yourself and the OM but you also put your son behind. Do the right thing and divorce your H so he can find a woman that would appreciate having someone. You do realize this guy was not scared he just found someone better and he is a cheater. He cheated on his wife with you and another woman and he has probably been with others.

[crystal_lostheart]

I feel so sorry for your H. This will destroy him. It sounds like you haven't even had time to step off the roller coaster. I am no angel myself being involved with a MM, but I sure as hell left my husband when the affair began. At least he can move on and find someone better for himself because I certainly was not the right person for him......Give your H a chance to move on with somebody else that won't break his heart like this....he has already been through too much

[norajane]

Now he says he is ready to give himself completely to me and that he has always loved me, and that he ran away from me because i was getting to close to his heart. I scared him.

 

Is he still with his wife? Then, no, he's not 'ready' to give himself completely.

[themandme]

There are times I do feel crazy, and I know it is a selfish act. I have an internal debates with myself over and over again. I think of my marriage, the lack of happiness on my part. I think of my son and the man that he knows as his father, but also the man that is his father and being a child that never knew hers I know is a factor in my thoughts. I think of admitting everything to my husband and just going with the outcomes. I think about just separating and being alone away from both of them so I sort out my feelings.

I have been doing all sorts of searching

"leaving my husband"

"loveless marriage"

"self-help self esteem"

"effects of separation on children"

"helping children cope with seperation"

 

and amongst my search i came across this website.

 

so I know I sound crazy and I know I sound selfish, but Im also confused and I do want to do the right thing. So Please, a little more constructive guidance.

[pelicanpreacher]

This story is nine years in the making. I married my husband young cause I thought that he was the only one i was going to find.

 

Was your husband aware of your vacant feelings for him at the onset of your relationship. I would personally be deeply offended if I were chosen by a woman based upon the merits of your meager assessment of him within this disclosure. You need to be honest with your husband about everything you've felt from beginning to end for the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is the least he deserves for all he's sacrificed in your stead. You don't have to be in love with him to offer this but, instead, just humane!

 

I would even go so far as asking you to play matchmaker in assisting him to find a more suitable mate in order to make up for all the pain and misery you've contributed to his life. This may be the one selfless sacrifice you can make in atonement for what you owe this man to right your selfish wrongs!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Karma is a real wench just to let you know. No sympaths her if anything happens to you.

 

I would love to know who raised you and what kind of childhood background you have. You are so unreal and living outside the real world.

 

You really need to take a step back from your husband, your kids, and this other man in order to get your head on straight. Figure out where are you going wrong with this whole situation and what kind of image you are projecting to your children.

 

 

DNR

[themandme]

Sorry, I am not familiar of how to use this but

 

NoraJane he is not with his wife, he is single.

 

PelicanPreacher, yes he is aware of the my feelings when we intially got married, in fact he has also admitted to feeling the same way, both of us were young naive. So maybe its no surprise that he has his stories of infedelities. We both have been forgiving to each other. I dunno

 

Thank you everyone for you responses, this is good.

[norajane]

Would you seriously be considering leaving your husband if this guy weren't around? Would you actually leave him?

 

Or say you leave your husband for this guy, and then a year or two down the road it falls apart...will you then regret leaving your husband?

[pelicanpreacher]

Ah hah! So there are infidelities all the way around. What steps have you and your husband taken to address this issue for if left unchecked there is no way that you will ever be able to sustain this relationship into the forevermore. I believe that in some way the two of you are co-dependent upon each other instead of partners which creates its own set of dysfunctions to deal with. I can understand that when you went back to your husband after the initial failure of your relationship with the OM that it was probably largely due to financial reasons but what was your husband's need and intent when he took you back?

[themandme]

the two of you are co-dependent upon each other instead of partners

 

So have been reading more about this codependant relationship stuff and it has been a real eye opener. I always thought it only had to do with extreme alcholic behaviours, but i see the definition has expanded. So yes, we are dysfunctional. I rely on my husband just to be there, so that I will not be alone. The fear of being alone. I can see that now. Financially we have always been seperate, he has his own bills and i have mine, he pays his and i pay mine. So now im wondering now what his codenpedance is about. We had talked about counselling but never got around to it.

And yet there is this issue of the other man that wants to be in my life, and how can I say no, after all his is the biological father. And i do enjoy talking to him.

More and more, i think i should just really be alone and get the help i need for me and my son, because, i do not want to teach my son these codependant behaviours.

So the question I ask myself is will i have the courage to do it?? The courage to tell my husband the whole truth, my readings and how i feel. The courage to tell the other man, I cant be with him right now. I could end up alone. Even though I say I need to be alone. Its scary.

[Dexter Morgan]

Choose the OM so your husband can find someone that isn't all a twitter over some other man that isn't even faithful to you.

 

Your H will be crushed, but in the end, it will be the best thing for him. Then you can pursue your R with someone that more than likely won't be true to you.

[pelicanpreacher]

Thanks for your clarification for, by identifying your core issues as they pertain to the relationship you're in, you can make better decisions for how you'd like to shape your future. I sense that, though you are not particularly unhappy with your husband, you clearly lack the devotion one needs to make this relationship work the way it should. You raise the spectre of loneliness as your primary impetus for returning to your marriage yet don't know what is making your husband tick and that might be keeping an invisible barrier erected that may be preventing the two of you from truly connecting while opening the door to your connection with the OM.

 

Before you make any decisions, or even disclose the truths we've discussed (but by all means eventually disclose everything so that he has an opportunity to gain closure and achieve growth if possible), it would be advisable for you to sit down with your husband and find out why he took you back. I suspect it was initially sympathy that slowly transformed into something else, however, this is all conjecture that can only be resolved through open communication. You must find out where his head was then, where it is now, and what his connection to this relationship is before you can determine whether its viable to pursue a future with it.

 

Don't schlep through life wasting years you cannot get back by languishing in this hazy limbo you're living. You owe it to yourself and child to know yourself well enough to be able to stand on your own two feet regardless of what comes or what may so face your fears of loneliness now and get busy living.

 

Good luck!

[LucreziaBorgia]

...he ran away from me because i was getting to close to his heart. I scared him.

 

 

That's a fairly common line they use. It allows them to get away with treating someone else so poorly. They use it either when its time to go back to the wife, or when its time to get an OOW. It worked on you, apparently - so you can be sure that he will use it again when the time comes. Hopefully the next time he uses it on you, you won't believe it that time around and will find some way to put your head and heart back together so that you can begin to find and provide a more stable home life for your kid.

[themandme]

Well since my last post, things have happened, lets just say there is nothing between me and other man, and leave it at that.

 

But there is still the subject of my husband, and i wrote on here cause i truely wanted some advice. So here it is.

My husband and I have been back together for about five years now, but i started having flings, say about three years ago. I would kiss or make out with a guy while I was intoxicated. The first time that happened, I felt so guilty and so scared, I knew I had to tell him but I was scared of losing him, so I kept it to myself, swearing I wouldnt do it again. But it did happen again, like four more times. The last time was August.

 

So these are what I confessed to my husband three nights ago, I was too scared to tell him about my communications with the other man cause I know it will hurt him more, and Im not sure what I am doing yet.

 

Im still scared of being alone, I know I still need to get help for myself, which is another struggle in itself. friggen small places.

 

So anyway, based on what my husband knows he still wants to work it out. I told him I dont know if I can, (knowing of course I still havent told him the whole truth) I told him that I needed to get professional help, or that if I stayed we would have to. So he wants an answer soon, before the holidays. Which leaves me about three weeks.

 

So are my thoughts. I know either way, I have to tell him of my communications with the other man.

 

If I stay, It will be a long, hard road with more tears, but we will get help to try and figure out things. who we are, how to make this marriage work, my son won't lose his father.

 

If I dont stay, It will be a long hard road with tears by myself. I will get help for me and my son. figure myself out. understand why I have such bad judgement and make poor choices.

 

I dont know, there is so much more I can say

[bentnotbroken]

One step in the right direction. Continue that path. You need to give him the whole truth and definitely get professional help. It is a hard road, but whatever is worth having is worth fighting for, either way it goes, it has to be worth figuring yourself out.

[lkjh]

I cant tell you what will happen in the future but you do need to come clean. Once you start down a path it is hard to change. So far you have been lying and cheating and you can not change until you confront it.

[Reggie]

If you care for your husband and child, leave them. You are either mentally ill or disordered. You need psychiatric help. There is hope . But, you need treatment There is no shame in having a bonafide mental illness or disorder. But, you need to get treament. It is your responsibility to your child. Good luck.

[pelicanpreacher]

Themandme, after rereading this thread, I think I might have an idea about what inspires your husband's codependence in this relationship. You state that you grew up without knowing your father. You obviously have had discussions with your husband about how this made you feel as a child which might answer why your husband has chosen to establish such a close bond with your son as a primary reason for maintaining the marriage. I also believe, deep down, that your husband loves you a lot more than he will admit but is holding his feelings back because he knows you don't feel for him the same way he feels about you. If this is the case then he and your son are in a world full of hurt should you choose the logical conclusion to end your marriage. That said, will you still allow your husband to maintain his relationship with your son when you finally decide to end the marriage?

[themandme]

Pelicanpreacher,

Yes I would let my son and my husband maitain a relationship, afterall that's the only father my son knows.

should you choose the logical conclusion to end your marriage.

Can i ask why you feel this? ( I probalby know parts of your answer, but I do enjoy reading your comments)

 

And most of what you say is not that far off.

I know my husband loves me also. Why else would he want to makes it works with someone who has repeatedly hurt him. And yes, I do love him too, but it seems to not be enough or the same kinda of love, because I know I am not happy. I have been staying with him all this time (i think) trying to convince myself I am happy.

And I didnt realize this until the other man came along, cause now I think, if i was happy i wouldnt have even considered it. I woulda told him he was crazy and he should get help, but i didnt. I considered it, and happy people dont that.

[2sunny]

you have a lot of hard work to do in counseling. these are a few things that you may want to address...

 

you have a man that lives you and you treat him badly even though you say "love" him... this is not what love looks like. you continue to go back for more even though you know that it's not fair to him and mainly because you don't want to be alone.

 

you "love" a man that treats you badly and find that to be acceptable? this is not healthy or happy. what he dishes out - you are willing to consider - even if it's crap. not good...

 

you confuse your son by adding extra info about his biological father knowing full well that this is not the healthiest choice for your son. he has a father son relationship that is happy and you are messing it up by adding in other elements that seem selfishly driven.

 

for you to sort through this and make healthier decisions especially when it will affect your son and your marriage will take some hard honest work with a counselor.

 

first off - why do you continue to make these poor choices thinking that it is ok in the long run?

 

are you willing to do the hard work it will take to get help?

[themandme]

well my husband now knows the rest of the story,he knows of the communications with the other man, and he still wants to try and work things out.

I dont know what to do. I really don't.

Can it work if I stay? Can I still get the help I need for myself while still working on a marriage.

I ask him all the time,why he still wants me around after all that I have done, and he says he does not want to lose his family.

Is this even healthy for any of us?

And if I go, there is still that fear of being alone. Why am I so scared of being alone?

I have less than two weeks to give him an answer. What am I going to say?

[bentnotbroken]

Your are going to say that you are going to start individual counseling to understand your issues and how to avoid the situation you are in now. Then after a couple of months(or more) you will try marriage counseling. The IC will give you time to decide if you want to remain with him. But is time to stop sticking your head in the sand and doing whatever with whomever.