CommitmentPhobe Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 This stuff is even more confusing to someone who's never been in a relationship, because I have no standard to measure against, not even a paltry one.. Yeah I can see that being a problem for sure. When you mention that you feel powerless, all of us are to an extent. Sometimes you're just in the right place at the right time and you hit it off with someone.
Green Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Ok I'm going to break down the interaction of a girl whose number I got this weekend who I like and definetly want to date. First I was at a bar and it was early no one was really there and her and her friend were laughing really loud after comming out of the photo booth so I went over and tried to find out what was so funny. I looked at their pictures we talked I got kind of bored so I walked away and left the bar and was going to go to another bar... and when I was out on the street the girl actually came out running after and was like I'm not stalking you I just came to cross the st.... so we chatted and then I once again walked off and I was like damn I really liked that girl and my friend was like they were totaly stalking us haha. So I went walking back and they were walking my direction and it turns out we all ended up going to the same club, she actualy asked me out onto the dance floor we danced a bunch and I asked for her number... and there you go! Oh and this song exemplifies what guys are thinking about you Isolde
Author Isolde Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 Yeah I can see that being a problem for sure. When you mention that you feel powerless, all of us are to an extent. Sometimes you're just in the right place at the right time and you hit it off with someone. Right, that's exactly what I mean! Fate has a role, as much as we like to think otherwise. Gah. I don't even think I've ever hit it off with a dude. Ok I came close a couple times but those were very short conversations with guys in my university who didn't want to ask me out or were too shy.
carhill Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I don't even think I've ever hit it off with a dude. That's cr@p thinking. Stop it Seriously. That's what I mean. When you think like that, you're unconsciously sending signals out, especially if you encounter a young man you really find attractive. Be confident in your desire, without the doubts. Own him. You already do, but you just don't know it yet
monkey00 Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 What kind of magnet you are in this world and what you pull in depends always no matter what on first impressions, appearance, and vibe. I'm sure you have trouble figuring that out, hence the existence of this post. I think a good way of looking at yourself is to look at yourself in the mirror and place yourself into a 3rd person perspective and nit-pick at yourself. It's a good train of thought to practice, plus it helps with your analytical abilities. Or if that's hard, I'd suggest a simple method simply by asking your friends and family what they think of you. Though if you choose to do this, don't let their opinion of you drive you up the wall if it's not what you want to hear...but also their opinion should also be taken as a grain of salt as some may hold back to spare you of your feelings. When I was younger I was very clueless about body language and the vibe I gave out to people. It was all so wrong...my vibe pushed people away rather than attract them. Now I tend to do a bit of both, most of the time knowingly. As I got older, I picked up on the subtle nuances of even the slightest body language I'd send off and receive. Old habits die hard..but everyone has the ability to change themselves from within.
Vertex Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I can empathize with the whole shyness thing. It can be really hard. I haven't been able to really get rid of it by a long shot, although I do open up once I get to know someone, and things improve dramatically. Confidence tends to help, but like most say, if you don't have it, then fake it till you have it.
CommitmentPhobe Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Right, that's exactly what I mean! Fate has a role, as much as we like to think otherwise. Gah. I don't even think I've ever hit it off with a dude. Ok I came close a couple times but those were very short conversations with guys in my university who didn't want to ask me out or were too shy. Maybe that will change with experience, but it sounds like you just need to bump into a dude that doesn't place too much priority on you being outward and can bring you out of your shell a bit.
Vertex Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 That's cr@p thinking. Stop it Seriously. That's what I mean. When you think like that, you're unconsciously sending signals out, especially if you encounter a young man you really find attractive. Be confident in your desire, without the doubts. Own him. You already do, but you just don't know it yet Just wanted to elaborate on this a bit because it's a great point. The way you think does have a huge effect on the way you send signals. When you're feeling mighty and confident, you carry yourself differently. You walk differently, your face has a more brightened expression, you talk freely, and your body language is more open. When you're thinking pessimistically, you act less confident, show very reserved body language, go into "paranoid darty-eye mode," smile less, talk less, etc. Confidence tends to attract, and so if you're not having good luck, maybe it's because you tend to automatically assume you've lost before you've even begun, therefore reinforcing a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, this is easier said than done. I still can't fully do it yet myself. I'm hoping someday I meet a girl who's patient enough to stick around long enough to see through my shell
Green Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Just wanted to elaborate on this a bit because it's a great point. The way you think does have a huge effect on the way you send signals. When you're feeling mighty and confident, you carry yourself differently. You walk differently, your face has a more brightened expression, you talk freely, and your body language is more open. When you're thinking pessimistically, you act less confident, show very reserved body language, go into "paranoid darty-eye mode," smile less, talk less, etc. Confidence tends to attract, and so if you're not having good luck, maybe it's because you tend to automatically assume you've lost before you've even begun, therefore reinforcing a self-fulfilling prophecy. Again, this is easier said than done. I still can't fully do it yet myself. I'm hoping someday I meet a girl who's patient enough to stick around long enough to see through my shell I say its even more straight foward then this, if you ask her to give examples of things shes done or tried in the past few days it will probably be nothing. She goes out does what she has to do and then runs back home to hide herself away from the world. If she just starts actualy trying things it will work out after all shes in her early twenties and slim with a nice sized rack... nuff said
CaliGuy Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Have you ever thought how weird it is that no one ever REALLY knows what other people think? We're all just acting on suppositions that may be way off base. I keep on thinking that if only I knew how people actually thought of me, I'd be able to make better decisions and make the most of life. Instead, my intuition brings me to disappointment every time. So maybe the reality is we'll never know the underlying truths, but is there any way to improve judgment and intuition as to who's right for you, or even who to go on a date with? This stuff is even more confusing to someone who's never been in a relationship, because I have no standard to measure against, not even a paltry one. I feel really vulnerable, like I have absolutely no choices. I really wish guys just asked me out more and at least gave me a place to start, but at a rate of about 3 dates a year, they're all duds and I don't even have the benefit of learning something. I have found that the less I cared about what people thought about me, the better I felt about myself and the more confident I became. It's pointless to worry over something you have no control over. And what's more, worrying about what they think means you want their approval. In reality, you only need to seek approval from within and 99.9% of the time, people will love and appreciate you for being genuine and true to yourself.
Author Isolde Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 No matter how good I feel about myself--I still have the same fears of rejection that guys always talk about. And they can't be completely unfounded, as I've been directly, flat out rejected three times by people I really wanted to date. And carhill, this thing about "owning" the guy--it only works if the guy wants to be owned.
Author Isolde Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 You know, I'm far from the loner that KMT makes me out to be. I'm actually a very happy and energetic person. I just need a good kick start and I'll be fine!
You'reasian Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Have you ever thought how weird it is that no one ever REALLY knows what other people think? We're all just acting on suppositions that may be way off base. I keep on thinking that if only I knew how people actually thought of me, I'd be able to make better decisions and make the most of life. Instead, my intuition brings me to disappointment every time. So maybe the reality is we'll never know the underlying truths, but is there any way to improve judgment and intuition as to who's right for you, or even who to go on a date with? This stuff is even more confusing to someone who's never been in a relationship, because I have no standard to measure against, not even a paltry one. I feel really vulnerable, like I have absolutely no choices. I really wish guys just asked me out more and at least gave me a place to start, but at a rate of about 3 dates a year, they're all duds and I don't even have the benefit of learning something. Problem solved... Isolde, I would like to go on a date with you. I will tell you my no-bs impression of you.
stefspets Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 It seems like mostly guys replied to this thread, so I'll offer a girl's perspective. I think you need practice. Not necessarily dating, but talking to people (guys) when you're out. So when you're out at the bar (if you do that), or waiting in line somewhere, try smiling at people and engaging them in conversation. My experience has been that even though I thought I was happy and confident, I didn't smile, and so people didn't really talk to me. When I smile and try to exude a more positive attitude, and am more open to talking to people, it just happens, naturally. In fact, the only time I've ever been asked out randomly was by some guy from my office complex that I always smiled at every time I saw him. So it does work. You may not be a fan of online dating but I found it good to meet people easily and quickly to practice dating. Sounds dumb but it helped. The dates weren't all that great but seeing other people in action helped me read guys better (i.e. nervousness, and if the guy was nervous then it made me less nervous) and helped build my confidence a bit. If online dating isn't your thing then maybe there's some other way (can your friends set you up? do you try to go out with new groups of people?). I think you just need to interact with more people and get out there. First dates don't really require any special skills in my opinion outside of general social skills, which you can get by talking to anybody. And if you don't find dates, maybe you'll make some new friends or meet interesting people.
Green Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Problem solved... Isolde, I would like to go on a date with you. I will tell you my no-bs impression of you. I also want to go on a date with her but I'll hide my true opinion of her through mind bending games meant for my amusment and her torture
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Isolde, I think my cat Tiger likes you too. He things you have a hot pic and saids he REALLY hopes that's a girl cat in the picture. DNR
Author Isolde Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 I also want to go on a date with her but I'll hide my true opinion of her through mind bending games meant for my amusment and her torture I thought I wanted to go on a date with you too... until you said that.
Author Isolde Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 Isolde, I think my cat Tiger likes you too. He things you have a hot pic and saids he REALLY hopes that's a girl cat in the picture. DNR Of course it's a girl kitty, but she's picky when it comes to toms. She prefers just to take naps... most of the time!
You'reasian Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Of course it's a girl kitty, but she's picky when it comes to toms. She prefers just to take naps... most of the time! This tiger has a mouse necklace and a laser pointer...
Green Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I thought I wanted to go on a date with you too... until you said that. your loss
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Of course it's a girl kitty, but she's picky when it comes to toms. She prefers just to take naps... most of the time! Wow! They have something in common. Is your kitty also a demanding little brat who thinks they own the place and you owe them for their living with you? Tiger isn't picky. Would that make him a dog instead of a cat? DNR
Recommended Posts