The downward spiral of fear and pain

[sigh]

Rough day, so I thought I would come here and hopefully putting it in black and white will help me realize that I am not being very smart.

I have not gone strict NC with xMM. We have spoken casually a few times, I thought I would give strictly platonic friendship a shot and are still friends on a social networking site.

The platonic friendship thing was going O.K. until today. He has never really been into the site until a few days ago, now all of a sudden he is on it constantly so everything is being thrown in my face, not by him consciously, but you know what I mean.

I know I should cut him out completely, but I am finding it so hard. Even if he is faking it, it feels a little like I have my old friend back. I have yet contacted him at all. Every contact is initiated by him, so that shows a little tiny bit of strength and that maybe there is hope for me to build up the strength to completely cut him loose, right?

[jj33]

Hes reading this site and throwing it in your face?

 

Honey cut him off. Cut him off totally. The friendship thing is for him not you. Its not in your interest particularly if he is throwing everything in your face.

 

If he were REALLY your friend he would say Oh Sigh I am so so sorry I never realized how painful this was for you. And he would apolgize.

 

I dont want to call him a ****head but .... he manipulating again. And I hope he reads this. Cut him off. Just dont respond to his texts or emails. If hes reading the site, he will know why....

[jj33]

I mean really what is the worst that can happen? You will mourn the loss, you will go through the withdraw process and then you will be FREE.... how awful is that? Its not. Hes a manipulator of the highest order.

[sigh]

Hes reading this site and throwing it in your face?

 

Honey cut him off. Cut him off totally. The friendship thing is for him not you. Its not in your interest particularly if he is throwing everything in your face.

 

If he were REALLY your friend he would say Oh Sigh I am so so sorry I never realized how painful this was for you. And he would apolgize.

 

I dont want to call him a ****head but .... he manipulating again. And I hope he reads this. Cut him off. Just dont respond to his texts or emails. If hes reading the site, he will know why....

 

No, not this site. The social networking site we are friends on, that he never really used until a few days ago. Whenever you do something on the site, it notifies all of your friends. So I have been getting a lot of notifications about him on the site. That is what I was talking about. Sorry, I should have been more clear.

[whichwayisup]

I think she means either facebook or myspace, not LS...Unless I'm mistaken here?

 

Sigh, you DO need to cut him out of your life. Block him in everyway possible. You can't hang onto something that's gone..It'll just hurt you more and more. Don't be afraid of the pain of truly letting go..Sure it'll hurt for a while, but by doing this you'll actually be starting to heal and know it's final. Don't think you realize it now, but hanging on is hurting you MORE than if you let go..

[sigh]

What was hard is he has been posting things about something we are both into and it broke my heart that we could not share it beyond a brief discussion about it earlier in the week.

What push does it normally take for someone to say "enough!"?

[whichwayisup]

Delete him. That way you don't get his news feeds on everything that he does or says on that site. Keeping him around this way is doing alot of damage to you and isn't helping you heal. The less you know, the better.

 

What push does it normally take for someone to say "enough!"?

When you hit your rock bottom and really realize that you can't take it anymore, that you HAVE to start putting thoughts of "I want to end it with him" into action and not just say I will - Later or tomorrow.

[sigh]

I guess it all boils down to, I am scared.

Scared of losing his friendship, which is what we have gone back to.

I told him that was all I had to offer him and he took it. Now our conversations are all friendship based. I am afraid of losing that, even though I know it will destroy me in the long run

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Once you end a affair with a married person and he is NOT leaving it...

 

1. You have no place or right to be his friend. This is when you should start showing the respect for his wife and marriage in general.
   
2. You have no place or right to continue any unnessary action with him. Unless you once gain fall into the same situation again.
   
3. Your concern now should be towards what you need to do to get right with yourself. You already failed yourself once with this person, why set yourself up again?
   

I really hope you think about cutting ALL unnessary ties with him. I can understand if you have to work in the same place, but it should just be there and for that reason yo contact him. No lunch with him, even if co-workers are around. No private time with him. No call me after work, etc.

 

Good luck to you and God's strength during this time of transition and healing.

 

 

DNR

[torranceshipman]

Delete him from your profile, then I GUARANTEE that you'll feel relief every time you go on there, from now on, as you wont ever have to cope with one of his status updates. I remember deleting an ex boyfriend from my friends list on that site and my God, it was so much nicer, I actually enjoyed using it again after that! He's on it again now, as I'd moved on enough not to care, but saying that, he seems to be trying to get me back now and I've got a bit more interested in his profile page again as a result...argh! Gotta stop that!

 

Seriously, just delete him, you'll thank yourself for it!!

[whichwayisup]

I guess it all boils down to, I am scared.

Scared of losing his friendship, which is what we have gone back to.

I told him that was all I had to offer him and he took it. Now our conversations are all friendship based. I am afraid of losing that, even though I know it will destroy me in the long run

 

Tell me, what exactly are you scared of? The pain of losing him from your life? Not having feelings for him? What sort of "friend" is he, in all honesty? To me it sounds like a one sided friendship, one that feeds his ego, so he can know you're still "into" him.

 

The friendship now serves no real purpose. Being friends with him quietly gives you hope, you have expectations subconsciously and will be disappointed, feel let down by him. You'll analyze too much of what he says, wonder this and that about whatever..

 

You say the conversations are friendship based? I don't see your reactions to him being "just" friendship. I see confused, hurt feelings - And some hope left that he'll want you again..THAT isn't friendship, on your side and his. He has his selfish reasons for wanting the friendship, but so do you.

 

Everything aside, having him in your life this way WILL prevent you from ever meeting or opening yourself up to anyone else.

 

He's still with his wife and that's not going to change, whether you're in his life or not.

[sigh]

We have been getting along great as friends.

Would deleting him and cutting all ties without any explanation be fair? Also, won't I look a little crazy?

[jj33]

Hang on didnt you just say it was making you unhappy .

 

If you were getting along great and it wasnt hurting you, you wouldnt have posted. So stop fooling yourself.

 

ALl you need to do is send him an email saying its still too fresh too difficult for you, you will be in touch when you are ready but in teh meantime you are going to go NC.

 

Not a discussion, not a negotiation, just a statement.

 

Any sane person can understand that. if he cant hes just being manipulative.

[whichwayisup]

All you have to tell him, "I cannot handle friendship with you, atleast right now. I need to get rid of all my intimate feelings and care for you. Don't know how long it will take, but I NEED you to please respect my wishes and decision to cut you out of my life. I am sorry, I don't want to hurt you, but if you have any respect for me, let me go and don't try to pursue ANY friendship with me."

 

What do you mean you've been getting along great as friends? In what sense?

What are you getting out of the friendship? What real good does this MM bring into your life?

 

It definately is NOT platonic, your heart is still VERY much into it, too much to be 'just platonic friends.'

 

Sigh, you need to go back and re-read all your previous threads.

[sigh]

Tell me, what exactly are you scared of? The pain of losing him from your life? Not having feelings for him? What sort of "friend" is he, in all honesty? To me it sounds like a one sided friendship, one that feeds his ego, so he can know you're still "into" him.

 

The friendship now serves no real purpose. Being friends with him quietly gives you hope, you have expectations subconsciously and will be disappointed, feel let down by him. You'll analyze too much of what he says, wonder this and that about whatever..

 

You say the conversations are friendship based? I don't see your reactions to him being "just" friendship. I see confused, hurt feelings - And some hope left that he'll want you again..THAT isn't friendship, on your side and his. He has his selfish reasons for wanting the friendship, but so do you.

 

Everything aside, having him in your life this way WILL prevent you from ever meeting or opening yourself up to anyone else.

 

He's still with his wife and that's not going to change, whether you're in his life or not.

 

You are right. I do not have these reactions to my friends.

I do not have hope of being with him romantically again. I wish there was a way for me to be completely O.K. being friends again. We talk about problems, what is going on in our lives ect. That is what I am afraid of losing.

To be 100% honest, I have flip flopped on him so much over the past few months, that I am also afraid of how it will look for me to delete and cut contact with him again. Stupid, I know.

[sigh]

You are all right.

I just deleted and blocked. He is going to think I need to be institutionalized for keep changing my mind, but it's now done and can't be reversed.

I will now never hear from him again.

[whichwayisup]

. I wish there was a way for me to be completely O.K. being friends again. We talk about problems, what is going on in our lives ect. That is what I am afraid of losing.

That's only because you still have feelings for him. You don't "need" him in your life as a friend, what you "need" is HAVING him in your life as someone who makes you feel good. Big difference between platonic friendships and non platonic friendships.

 

If any of your women friends wasn't in your life, sure, you'd be hurt but you'd get over it. This guy? Well, it's because of what you shared with him, that intimacy, is what keeps you wanting his closeness..

 

You shouldn't worry so much about what he thinks or feels, PUT YOURSELF FIRST and who cares what he feels about it! IF he truly IS your friend and cares, he'll respect your desire to end the friendship and walk away.

[whichwayisup]

You are all right.

I just deleted and blocked. He is going to think I need to be institutionalized for keep changing my mind, but it's now done and can't be reversed.

I will now never hear from him again.

 

No he won't. HE KNOWS WHY as he isn't stupid and I'm sure he can figure out that it's NOT cool to stay intouch and be friends with someone you had an affair with.

 

What will hurt is, HIS EGO. He may have hurt feelings for about an hour, but he'll get over it. *Please don't take that the wrong way, me saying this is just trying to get you to see that from where HE is coming from, the friendship is self serving and selfish.*

 

If he contacts you, send him ONE note telling him you can't handle any friendship and it's goodbye time forever. Then after that you block him on your email as well.

[sigh]

No he won't. HE KNOWS WHY as he isn't stupid and I'm sure he can figure out that it's NOT cool to stay intouch and be friends with someone you had an affair with.

 

What will hurt is, HIS EGO. He may have hurt feelings for about an hour, but he'll get over it. *Please don't take that the wrong way, me saying this is just trying to get you to see that from where HE is coming from, the friendship is self serving and selfish.*

 

If he contacts you, send him ONE note telling him you can't handle any friendship and it's goodbye time forever. Then after that you block him on your email as well.

 

This is very silly, but it is not that I think he will have hurt feelings, it is that I do not want anyone to think I am unstable and crazy. LOL

Over the past 5 months I have been going back and forth with wanting to be friends, deleting him, blocking him ect.

Even though the pain is almost unbearable, something inside is telling me that I mean it this time.

[whichwayisup]

, it is that I do not want anyone to think I am unstable and crazy. LOL

 

Like who? His friends?

 

I hope you mean it because if not, you'll be riding this up and down wave for a long time.

 

Stay strong and start healing. Tomorrow will be day one of NC and the beginning of you truly letting go.

[sigh]

Like who? His friends?

 

I hope you mean it because if not, you'll be riding this up and down wave for a long time.

 

Stay strong and start healing. Tomorrow will be day one of NC and the beginning of you truly letting go.

 

There is still a huge part of me that cares what he thinks about me.

I just want us both to be able to think of each other fondly. Childish thought, right?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

You be strong Sigh. And something to think about when you think about trying to be his friend...

 

Do you really want to support a friend or call a person a friend if they are willing to hurt you and others?

 

I hope it is a resounding "No." and that you realize he was not your friend.

 

God's strength to you.

 

And to give you an example of courage in doing the right thing. I lost a friend I knew for almost 10 years when he involved me with his cheating on his girlfriend while he was divorced with another girlfriend. And when they asked me to tell the truth to them and he asked me to lie. I told the truth by having them search their hearts and to look at the evidence. One did and we spoke for a good while afterwards and the other decided to ignore the truth and marry him and to bring her three kids into the mix with it.

 

A few months after the incident, she told me how mad he was at me and that I should apologize. And I had to remind her, that is was they who insisted on me being in the middle of the whole thing. I told the truth and you two got mad at me and did not want to speak to me. That's on y'all, but I have always been here and I always will.

 

 

DNR

[sigh]

You be strong Sigh. And something to think about when you think about trying to be his friend...

 

Do you really want to support a friend or call a person a friend if they are willing to hurt you and others?

 

I hope it is a resounding "No." and that you realize he was not your friend.

 

God's strength to you.

 

And to give you an example of courage in doing the right thing. I lost a friend I knew for almost 10 years when he involved me with his cheating on his girlfriend while he was divorced with another girlfriend. And when they asked me to tell the truth to them and he asked me to lie. I told the truth by having them search their hearts and to look at the evidence. One did and we spoke for a good while afterwards and the other decided to ignore the truth and marry him and to bring her three kids into the mix with it.

 

A few months after the incident, she told me how mad he was at me and that I should apologize. And I had to remind her, that is was they who insisted on me being in the middle of the whole thing. I told the truth and you two got mad at me and did not want to speak to me. That's on y'all, but I have always been here and I always will.

 

 

DNR

 

Even though I am crying harder then I have cried in years right now, I know you are right.

I hold my friends to higher standards then that. I don't tolerate any of them lying or hurting me, why do I willingly take it from him?

[jj33]

Its an ingrained pattern. We make up the most horrrendous excuses for them.

 

You can see it in someone else's thread or the story someone tells you but it much harder to see it in your own life.

 

I was in a situation very similar to DNR many years ago. My best friend at the time wanted to use my house to meet her lover while I was at work. She said nice people dont divorce (because its so much nicer to cheat) and her husband hated me anyway why would I do this for him etc etc. We eventually stopped being friends. She got pregnant and didnt know whose it was and was very very depressed. I called her Hs best friend and said is she OK shes so depressed does her H know how depressed she is and the friend went back to them and said I insinuated she was having an affair (i didnt I just asked if he knew how depressed she was) she told them I was mentally unbalanced and having problems of my own and not to credit what I had said... I havent seen her in a good 10 years. She called once or twice after that but I had no interest in seeing her. She had been my best friend for years.

 

I hardly ever think about her anymore. Dont miss her. She wasnt a good friend. Be a good friend to yourself. Look after yourself. He is not a friend who is going to look after you.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Even though I am crying harder then I have cried in years right now, I know you are right.

I hold my friends to higher standards then that. I don't tolerate any of them lying or hurting me, why do I willingly take it from him?

 

<Gives you the biggest virtual hug I can give.>

 

Crying is good. It shows you understand, care, and feel. You have not hardened inside and you want to make things right. So cry for without the rain, where will the rainbow come from, and how will the Earth heal and grow?

 

 

DNR