spookie Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I have this coworker who's my neighbor whom I've gotten to be really close to in the last couple of months. We started carpooling when I moved to his complex and one thing led to another and we became fast friends. We're like long-lost twins: we have everything in common, things I've never shared with anyone, as well as the same sense of humor (which few people understand), the same job description and ambitions, etc. He's married. I'm in love with somebody else. There's nothing going on. BUT, he and his wife are having problems. He's complained to me that he doesn't feel intellectually connected to her anymore, that he thinks either he didn't know her that well when they got married or she's changed, and that their sex life sucks. Personally, I think he married the wrong person, but that's none of my business. I think they love each other but from what I've observed, their R is empty, as though they're role-playing happiness. She's peeved at him for one reason or another all the time and I think he's getting sick of tip-toeing around her. Also, they barely ever see each other. She works evenings as a private trainer in a gym, while he and I work "normal" hours together and then hang out in the evenings before she comes home from work. I think she knows that nothing is going on, but she can't possibly be happy with this situation. A couple of times she's made some passive-agressive comments to me, such as, "Go sit on the couch! Cuddle with my husband if you want!" I can sense she's unhappy, and even I can see that they're losing each other. I'm not sure where I fit into this. I'm not sure how he'd react if she told him he couldn't see me, and I hope it doens't come to that. I don't know if there's some unspoken rule that married people can't have friends, but I feel funny about all this. I want to stay his friend, I'm 100% certain he and I would never hook up, but I don't want to hurt her, either. What should I do?
carhill Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Is there anyone at work you're not involved with?
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Spookie, you are already cheating with him if you have to ask the question. If you aren't cheating in the flesh, you know you are doing it emotionally. Now is the time to stop, back up, and reevaluate the situation. To be honest, why the heck are you hanging at a married man's home, after dark, while his wife is at work? Lets be honest with ourselves. This is NOT safe by any means, even if you think you two are being innocent. DNR The best way to avoid falling into a trap is to first not to put ourselves in the vicinity to fall into it.
GPFan Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 BUT, he and his wife are having problems. He's complained to me that he doesn't feel intellectually connected to her anymore, that he thinks either he didn't know her that well when they got married or she's changed, and that their sex life sucks. <snip> What should I do?I have read these words countless times as women describe how they unwittingly fell into an affair with a married man. The next step is to acknowledge your feelings for him and justify your actions with the rationalisation that you can't help who you fall in 'love' with. You may benefit from reading the OW/OM forum. The affair path is neither a happy nor fulfilling one but if choose to go this route do it with your eyes open.
GPFan Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Is there anyone at work you're not involved with? This is another serious issue; you do not want to develop a reputation as the office "pass around" girl. Tread carefully when dating at work!
Author spookie Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 I am honestly not even the slightest bit attracted to him, though. I am one of those people who CAN have male friends I'm not fcvking. All my closest friends have been guys, all my life.
Author spookie Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 You can come wreck my home anytime. I'd be delighted. Free booze?
carhill Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I am honestly not even the slightest bit attracted to him, though. I am one of those people who CAN have male friends I'm not fcvking. All my closest friends have been guys, all my life. I could have some fun with this , but will choose to be serious. Yes, absolutely you can be friends with men. You feel this desire and do not have any conscious intent or desire for romance or sex with them. I get that I have similar feelings and can and have had many wonderful platonic relationships with women in my life. The issue isn't that, it's how they are perceiving you. I believe (and you can choose to ignore this) that we all send out signals from our elemental psyche all the time. Some of it is body language, some is aural, some is completely subconscious and outside our conscious thought processes. As an example, since "giving up" my friend, who filled the emotional needs that I've not been getting filled in my marriage (not my wife's fault; she just isn't wired to do this) I've had a "emptiness", not something which I consciously think about every day. But, during this period, I've noted women paying more attention to me (I notice because normally they don't) and the women in my life (friend's wives and my wife's girlfriends) have become more affectionate then I ever noted prior. I haven't changed; if anything, I'm probably older and less attractive then I was a year ago. But, regardless, something is going on that I initially had no clue about, but liked because it made me feel good. But, properly, this should be addressed in my marriage, so I set out to figure out why I was sending out signals that women were interpreting this way. The best I can do is identify a elemental yearning for emotional intimacy that I consciously push out of my mind as a function of everyday living, but do acknowledge at that elemental level. Something about that must be projecting in a way which women are picking up on. Take a hard look at yourself, your feelings about the end of the R with your ex, your infatuation with your boss, your friendship with this man and all the other things going on in your life. Within yourself lies your answers, IMO.
D-Lish Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Spookie, you are already cheating with him if you have to ask the question. If you aren't cheating in the flesh, you know you are doing it emotionally. Now is the time to stop, back up, and reevaluate the situation. To be honest, why the heck are you hanging at a married man's home, after dark, while his wife is at work? Lets be honest with ourselves. This is NOT safe by any means, even if you think you two are being innocent. Huh??? Why do people think that men and women cannot be friends??? That's so ridiculous. What isn't safe about it? I have plenty of male friends- none of which I would ever consider sleeping with EVER!!! One thing I have to tell you Spookie, I was very close friends with my old male neighbour as well. He was like a brother to me- no romantic feelings on either end. We hung out all the time. He met his now gf- and she forbid him from having any female friends.... so that was the end of that. It very well could be an issue coming between them- but as you stated, they had issues long before he met you. I'm sure she doesn't like the fact that you are around though... that's just a given. If he's unhappy... hopefully he splits from her!
Caitlan Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Don't do anything. Put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if your husband was with a woman that was thinking about doing something with him. Then ask yourself how you would feel. Things don't just happen.... they are decisions that are made when you take action. Just don't take any action on this and stay out of it... let it go.
vertigocidic Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Don't do anything. Put the shoe on the other foot and think about how you would feel if your husband was with a woman that was thinking about doing something with him. Then ask yourself how you would feel. Things don't just happen.... they are decisions that are made when you take action. Just don't take any action on this and stay out of it... let it go. Amen. Having friends of the opposite sex is by no means evil or wrong or weird, go ahead, but doesn't it irk you that he's coming to cry to you about his relationship problems? Heck, to top it off, his sex life "sucks". Be careful. You may not like him, but you don't know how he feels. When marriages start to suck, most husbands/wives go find a coworker to have "fun" with if they are the intellect business people.
Holding-On Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 er hmmm.... Well as someone who has been there and currently working on avoiding that situation I only have a couple of suggestions: 1. Don't be his marriage counsellor for him. Strongly suggest he get a counsellor of his own and not disclose details about his wife to you. You will probably feel a lot more comfortable around the two of them. 2. Since you are feeling uncomfortable what can it hurt to keep your interactions to more public places for a few weeks and then think about what boundaries work best in this friendship? best wishes to you
Javelin Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 This is something you should probably tell him, not us. Note the use of, 'tell!' Do not discuss this with your friend, just tell him that: 1) You're not comfortable hanging around him, alone, in a vulnerable state. You said it yourself, you have no interested and you don't want to be labeled a home wrecker. You need to lay low for awhile, and drive yourself to work. 2) Stop hanging out with me and find time to hang out with your wife. Seriously, if he is with you more than his wife, that is a serious problem. You two work together and live in the same apartment complex... Perhaps it's time to move to a different building or if not that dramatic, different floor. 3) Fix your damn marriage! He's married an has vows to keep. His marriage is far more important than your friendship. He needs to work on his marriage and you need to be the one to kick him in the ass to do so. In a nut shell, talking about his marriage problems will only get him so far and talk alone will not fix anything. He needs to talk with his wife and repair what has cracked between them. You really don't need to be in his life right now, because his wife is already showing signs of insecurity towards you. I would step away if I were you. Otherwise, things could get ugly and you don't need to be involved with that. Until his marriage is back on track, staying this close with him is a bad idea. Trust us, we read this crap all the time and we know how it'll end. Huh??? Why do people think that men and women cannot be friends??? That's so ridiculous. What isn't safe about it? No one is saying that men and women cannot be friends; it's just when situations like Spookie's arises, things can get complicated and most people don't know how to avoid it. As you can see, neither of them (Spookie's friend and his wife) are really trying to solve their problems. I have plenty of male friends- none of which I would ever consider sleeping with EVER!!! You're speaking for yourself. You're not speaking for the unhappy married woman, who's husband tends to neglect and ignore her unintentionally. That woman might not have the same mentality under the influence.
amymarieca Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 I have this coworker who's my neighbor whom I've gotten to be really close to in the last couple of months. We started carpooling when I moved to his complex and one thing led to another and we became fast friends. We're like long-lost twins: we have everything in common, things I've never shared with anyone, as well as the same sense of humor (which few people understand), the same job description and ambitions, etc. He's married. I'm in love with somebody else. There's nothing going on. BUT, he and his wife are having problems. He's complained to me that he doesn't feel intellectually connected to her anymore, that he thinks either he didn't know her that well when they got married or she's changed, and that their sex life sucks. Personally, I think he married the wrong person, but that's none of my business. You say that it is none of your business, but then you go on in the rest of the paragraph to make it your business. I think they love each other but from what I've observed, their R is empty, as though they're role-playing happiness. She's peeved at him for one reason or another all the time and I think he's getting sick of tip-toeing around her. Not to sound harsh, but you don't really have any place judging what is happening in their situation. Only the two people involved can ever really know what is going on. Also, they barely ever see each other. She works evenings as a private trainer in a gym, while he and I work "normal" hours together and then hang out in the evenings before she comes home from work. I think she knows that nothing is going on, but she can't possibly be happy with this situation. Of course not! He is married to her and he is spending free time with you. This is just wrong in itself regardless if anything is going on. How would you feel if your husband was spending his free time with another woman? A couple of times she's made some passive-agressive comments to me, such as, "Go sit on the couch! Cuddle with my husband if you want!" I can sense she's unhappy, and even I can see that they're losing each other. I'm not sure where I fit into this. That's just it- you don't fit into this and you shouldn't try to find a place in this situation. You need to leave it alone. Clearly this woman is offended by the fact that you are getting friendly with her husband. She wouldn't be making these comments if she wasn't. I'm not sure how he'd react if she told him he couldn't see me, and I hope it doens't come to that. I don't know if there's some unspoken rule that married people can't have friends, but I feel funny about all this. I want to stay his friend, I'm 100% certain he and I would never hook up, but I don't want to hurt her, either. What should I do? He's married. Leave it alone. I don't have much respect for people when they meddle in other peoples' marriages. I would hope that he would chose to work on his marriage rather than to keep hanging out with you. I'm sure you are a great person, but you really need to leave this alone.
theobserver Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 The biggest problem in your "friends" marriage right now is most likely you. Your presence and continued time you are spending with him that should be with his wife are not helping their problems. The biggest issue as we all know in a relationship is "LACK OF COMMUNICATION" with a pinch of communicating with the wrong person. I think it's very rich of you to criticize a woman who's allowed you into her home to "hang out" with her husband when clearly they should be trying to do things together. Where do you fit into this? Nowhere. If you truly care about your friend you need to set him straight, he needs to talk to his wife, if he feels they are not on the same level he needs to tell her . They can then decide if they want to work through this or perhaps take the divorce route. As for his looks... what does that have to do with anything why do people always say "he/she is ugly to me" look at the type of people that pair up everyday we find things to love about each other everyday a lot of the times looks came last. We all know being beautiful doesn't mean you're a good person or compatible partner, it's just a good start. Just as you've noticed you get on very well with this man maybe you are in denial but you've just laid the foundation and are already in an emotional affair. From everything you've said you are not acting as a mere "friend" you spend excessive time with him, you've justified wanting more time with him over his WIFE if he told you he loved you what would you do? You've made a massive amount of posts and contributed alot to the forums I don't believe you are so naive as to what is happening it's text book EA. Please STEP BACK! Just to add I thought I'd say as a guy from things he's said to you he is clearly buttering you up to make his move on you. It's very easy to gain sympathy from a woman you want. He's filled you with the no sex, a variation of she always nags, soon it will be "I wish she was like you" Whatever you do. Be safe and Wise:)
Trialbyfire Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 spook, you're playing on dangerous turf and are aware of it. You already know what to do, reliant on how much you listen to your conscience. I don't want to see you in three to six months time, posting in the OW/OM forum. You're way smarter than that.
dannydrifter Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 He's married. I'm in love with somebody else. There's nothing going on. BUT, he and his wife are having problems. He's complained to me that he doesn't feel intellectually connected to her anymore, that he thinks either he didn't know her that well when they got married or she's changed, and that their sex life sucks. Wow, I don't need to read anymore than that. That sure is a lot of information he is sharing with you, considering you say thereis "nothing going on". Why don't you extend a little respect to his spouse and the person you are supposedly in love with, and end your inappropriate friendship with this neighbor/co-worker? Use your brains, it's not hard. One thing you can do right away is stop this carpooling nonsense.
Ariadne Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 What should I do? Just keep carpooling what else. If she is a pain just leave when she gets home. Haha.
dannydrifter Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Just keep carpooling what else. If she is a pain just leave when she gets home. Haha. Great advice, probably from someone who has as much respect for married men's wives.
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