mojo5500 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Where do I start? The reason for the divorce is that she cheated on him 4 years ago- He never forgave and he is also verbally abusive, there's no trust in the relationship. They were high school sweethearts. She has no real education, she has one older boy in his 20s, a younger one in junior high. We happened to meet at her work place, hit it off went on a first date. Things moved from there, we've been in a relationship for 6 months now. Details- she's has depression and is on meds, she also gets seasonal lows which is even worse. She also has physical pain- of course this is the reaction from stress and lack of nutrition. She doesn't stress manage, she doesn't eat right, and she is moody. Why am I with her? Well I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but we connect- when everything is going well and she's in a good mood we really connect. I love her with everything I got- I just don't understand her a lot of the times. I need help understanding this woman. My experience is I'm in my 30's, divorced from a woman who lacked passion and we never argued. I've listened to the audio book "The Female Brain" and it really boils down to chemical balance, which means to me that women need to eat more balanced meals and work on stress relief. I feel like sometimes that all my efforts to trying to care for this woman is usually being taken in a negative way. For an example- One night she said she wasn't feeling well (ibs) and her tummy was hurting and she just wanted to rest. Someone had told her that Aloevera juice may help her tummy settle. I asked her if she wanted me to pick some up for her and bring it over to her house- she said no. (She says she's always trying to think about other people first rather than her self as to not make them go out of their way for her.) I noted her advice and went ahead and picked up the juice and B vitamins for her and brought them over. When I arrived she was surprised to see me, she tried the juice and who knows if it helped but I stayed there and rubbed her back, and cuddled with her. She later asked- "You really do love me don't you?" I said yes of course, I care and love you very much. It was all good. Two nights later, she was supposed to come over to my place and she decided not to because she was tired and feeling nauseous. I was on my way back in town and talked to her on the phone. Same thing, she didn't want me to come over and she just wanted to rest. I asked her what she ate- she said she hasn't eaten anything all day and when she came home all she had was a cheese wrap because she ran out of turkey. So I've been on the road for an hour already and instead of going home I continued on to the store to pick up anti nausea meds and turkey. I went to her home and knocked on the door. She was pissed that I was there. I said I brought her gifts. She went back onto the couch and laid down facing the other way. She didn't even want to look at me. I opened up the med and asked her if she wanted some because it would make her feel better. She said no! I put the turkey away and the med. I got the sense that me being there had a different effect than before, she was upset at me for caring. I left- and as I left it just didn't make any sense- I was started to feel upset and rejected. Before she loved me for doing the same thing and this time she hated me. All through our relationship there have been things similar to this where in the begining of the day she'll be all over me and loving me, towards the end of the day she want's nothing to do with me. What's going on with her? Also she has guys stalking her on Myspace- guys are making prank phone calls, her soon to be ex is also now stalking her, he has access to DOL records and looked up my plate and showed up at my place when she was here. A lot of drama.
amaysngrace Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 You sound like you may have knight in shining armour syndrome. Google it.
Author mojo5500 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 You sound like you may have knight in shining armour syndrome. Google it. I've been told that before... But I used to be a lot worse. I know the whole saying nice guys finish last. There was a time when she was feeling bad and I didn't do anything .... then the table got turned on me for not caring... it's the feeling of damned if I do and damned if I don't. Knight in Shining Armour Unless you just came out of a coma, you know that the late Anna Nicole Smith's ex-boyfriend is Larry Birkhead. He has been in the news since he announced he was the father of Dannielynn. One interviewer asked him why he continued to stay in the relationship despite Anna Nicole's drug use. He said he thought he could "save her". He had "knight in shining armor syndrome". In her book, "Why We Love" author Helen Fisher states that: millions of years of protecting and providing for women has bred into the male brain this tendency to choose women they feel they need to save. What separates man from animal is his ability to think and reason. Just because it may be natural for men to be chivalrous, it doesn't mean they can't place a limit on just how far they will go. Should they open a door, pull out a chair, take a woman's hand when crossing the street or give her their jacket if she's cold? Absolutely. Should they try to save a woman whose life is a mess? They do so at their own peril. Men try to save damsels in distress because it makes them feel powerful, in control and manly. Sometimes they are afraid of women and think they won't be rejected if they fix a woman's problems. They hide their inadequacies behind what looks like strength. They know they don't have their act together, so instead of working on themselves they'd rather work on someone else. Such relationships are doomed to fail. If these men really were strong, they would not be trying to save someone that appears to be a victim. They don't realize that aside from a few circumstances beyond one's control (acts of God, accidents, disease, etc.) one's position in life is based on who they are on the inside, not someone or something "out there". There is an axiom that says: There are no victims, only volunteers. Knights believe that if the woman gets better, she'll become the perfect girlfriend. The only problem is that if she does become healthy, she will not want to be with someone who is so flawed that he tolerated being with a "broken-winged bird". Healthy people do not want to be with unhealthy people. On the other hand, if she doesn't get better, the man will never have the perfect girlfriend because he won't get his needs met. In addition, his fears of an intimate relationship will not be repaired by staying with an inadequate woman. It's a no-win situation. Why else do men choose damsels in distress? According to Dr. Laura in her book, "Ten Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" other reasons for "stupid chivalry" are: guilt for past transgressions and lifestyles, feelings of real or imagined inadequacies, fear of the pain of abandonment, loneliness, ego aggrandizement, fears about women's (aka Mom's) approval and acceptance and a fragmented sense of masculinity. If you're currently trying to be a knight in shining armor, what's your reason? Just because a man doesn't acknowledge that a woman is responsible for her circumstances, it doesn't mean those same circumstances won't come back to bite him in the butt at some future date. Larry Birkhead's life is now chaotic as the result of trying to save a woman whose life was chaotic. Would you want to be in his shoes?
amaysngrace Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Why am I with her? Well I don't know if I'm reading too much into it but we connect- when everything is going well and she's in a good mood we really connect. I love her with everything I got- I just don't understand her a lot of the times. I need help understanding this woman. I feel like sometimes that all my efforts to trying to care for this woman is usually being taken in a negative way. All through our relationship there have been things similar to this where in the begining of the day she'll be all over me and loving me, towards the end of the day she want's nothing to do with me. What's going on with her? A lot of drama. How can you connect with someone you don't understand? I think maybe you are reading too much into the connection. She's unstable. Mental. Be glad you don't understand her and do yourself a favor and stop trying to. I don't know if you will stay with her or not but if you do plan for mixed messages, misunderstanding and more drama. She doesn't even sound like fun.
me4u2 Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 How can you connect with someone you don't understand? I think maybe you are reading too much into the connection. She's unstable. Mental. Be glad you don't understand her and do yourself a favor and stop trying to. I don't know if you will stay with her or not but if you do plan for mixed messages, misunderstanding and more drama. She doesn't even sound like fun. Couldn't have said it better. I think you need to save all your kindness for someone who can appreciate it. You're going to be used, abused and unappreciated in this relationship.
Art_Critic Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Why am I with her? To be blunt and direct I will say.. I haven't a clue and I don't think you can explain why either.. Why would you want to be with someone that you just described ?...
samspade Posted November 7, 2008 Posted November 7, 2008 This woman has more red flags than Mao Tse Tung rally. Get out before you get screwed.
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