Broken Rain Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Hi, I'd need some advice please. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy for a little over a year, I'm 28 and he's 36. We met online and started talking, I wasn't really looking for anything 'cause I was still dealing problems related to my abusive ex. We became friends, he was at that time also in the end stages on his own relationship with a woman who had cheated on him many times. He was still trying to make it work, I guess for their childrens sake but he was in great agony. Eventually things officially ended between them, he moved out and started building his new life. Well about us, very early he started showing interest towards me .. that he wanted more than just a friendship. We met once and after that he told me how good it felt, and that I am what he had been looking for all his life. We became more than friends, things were okay although we couldn't meet as often as we wanted. We spent a lot of time emailing, IMing. We had our ups and downs. He was a bit more in a hurry than I to move on in our relationship. After few months he bought us a flat, renovated it and we set a date for my move. But things didn't go as planned, big disappointment for both of us. RL got in the way. Somehow we survived that and continued our long distance. There were few months when we couldn't meet at all but we were much in contact online, every day. We agree that I'll move in with him this Fall. Well there were some health issues so it was delayed again but we got to meet each other a lot in these past few months. We got close and everything seemed fine enough. There were some issues still, related to my ex and my boyfriend was quite stressed because of it, and tired of waiting. And honestly saying, I'm a difficult person to be with me .. I'm very moody. And all this time, I wasn't even really sure what I wanted. I had doubts about moving in with him, getting used to his children etc. So last month, moving was getting closer .. we just needed to agree on a date. We never did, he left me. It was a huge surprise to me, maybe it shouldn't have been but a few days before we had talked about engagement rings (well he had talked about it) and the next day he leaves me?! I was in shock. Well the story goes, his ex was bringing the children over that weekend but for some reason she brought them few days earlier which totally messed up his schedule .. he has to work so the children are usually over during his days off. I didn't know about this until later, we had been IMing and he just suddenly disappeared for the rest of the day (something he had never done before). Then the next day he was back but acting weird, talked about something that he has no money right now and he's not sure how he'll survive the coming weeks and was annoyed and blaming self that he had come to see me so many times in the past few months (gas=money). Then he said things that hinted that he was leaving me but I didn't make much of it. I was thinking it's the stress. Then he disappered for few days, I was worried and confused. I sent him few messages, telling him that he's my life and other things that I rather not remember saying >< Well few days later I got a message from him saying that, he just couldn't get me .. he'll miss me .. that he'd rather be my friend than my man. That I'm too attached in here so he can't get me. Big shock, I phoned him .. big mistake .. I pleaded, begged and did pretty much all the mistakes I could. We both said some bad things, hurtful things and finally he said that he just doesn't love me anymore, he wants space but then he said, maybe after a year (we could try again). After that I sent him few more not-so-pretty messages. Few days later I got another reply, he told me that his ex had left some old loan unpaid and he's going to lose it all (I guess it has something to do with the house they had together). He said he was sorry for everything, that things are so tight for him right now that our relationship wont work as it didn't work from the start. I offered him my support and said that maybe later we'll have another chance when things get better. He accepted my support, I still continued trying to convince him that we should be together and bla blaa .. but I was more subtle about it. Then few days passed, I was in great pain and missed him a lot. I got angry and wrote him a letter, poured it all out how I felt and explained many things that I thought he had misunderstood eg. that it's not mission impossible for me to move and that my ex isn't an issue. (I even did some things in RL related to the ex and told him, so I wasn't just words and no action). I told him how much I love him, how much he meant to me and that he shouldn't ever contact me again. Only if he realises what we had, if he misses it he'll know my phone number. Okay it wasn't the greatest letter, I probably made more than a few mistakes but I was being honest myself and I was hurting a lot. I wanted some kind of closure so I thought this and NC would be that. I stopped going to my online profile, where I could see all his actions too .. I made a new one, although I told him I'll never be back to that site again but that was silly .. well I was hurting but then I decided that I need to be strong and I need to do things that I enjoy. I can't just ignore and stop everything 'cause of him. A week later, I logged into my old profile .. it was hard but I had to. I wanted to see what's been happening and take my love status off, as he had done too earlier and I removed my pictures and stuff. I noticed he had visited few times and read my letter. Anyways, I left a note there to all my friends (to him *cough*) where my new profile is so they can find me. I wanted him to see I'm moving on and feeling fine (which is still far from truth). As we can't come across in RL, that's pretty much the only way. At that time I was still hoping he'll realise that he wants me back. Oh well .. There hasn't been any contact between us, except for few visits to mine and his profile. It's been two weeks from the letter, three weeks since he left me. It's been hard to accept, part of me still wants him back. So what you think, was this really it? There's nothing more I could do? I want to fix things, but he doesn't. I regret the letter, I should have let some kind of communication line remain between us that's why I've been thinking about writing to him? Something casual, asking some websites link or whatever .. if not more I'd like to be his friend at least. Or should I just let him be? And yes I know, I've made tons of mistakes .. this was my first big break up, I was/am very much in love with him. You know, there were times when I was thinking about leaving him but deep inside I was happy to be with him, and now that we've been apart I've realised just how much he meant to me. He is someone who I want in my life, but is it still possible?
NickP Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 It takes two hands to clap. At the moment, it looks like it's just you who's trying to stay in the relationship. It's going to be hard to be in touch with someone who you loved straight after a break up. Being friends immediately is never the best option. You always need space and time just to get used to being apart and standing on your own two feet again. It's the best thing you could do for yourself IMHO.
BikerBeagle Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Sad to say, it looks to me like you were the 'rebound', and it never turns out pretty for the reboundee. The pattern is pretty consistent - immediate and intense connection, talks of high emotion and future plans within a relative short duration, then -wham- the person needs 'space' ...classic trend. I'm a little surprised it lasted as long as it did, but that can be explained by the fact that it was a LD relationship. I feel your pain, trust me. You really have to let him go, erase him completely from your life, heal, and move on.
Author Broken Rain Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Maybe I was a rebound, I'm not sure. There a lot of things speaking against that but like I said, I'd at least want him in my life as a friend. I'm wondering when would be the right time to contact him?!
BikerBeagle Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 When would be the right time to contact him? ...that would be, "never". I'm sorry, I tend to give advice in 'tough love' format ...but he's the one who needed 'space', he's the one who doesn't want to 'fix things' ...it doesn't matter what you need or want. If he wants to contact you at a later date (and that is extremely unlikely in these situations), he knows how; otherwise, kick him to the curb and go NC, heal and move on.
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