SCfla Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 This is my first time posting. I stumbled upon this site. So here goes... About two months ago my now exgf and I broke up. It was somewhat mutual. Prior to that, we had communication issues. She felt unappreciated and neglected. Many of the issues that she had, I was unaware of. She was a bit averse to conflict, so she never explicitly said something. After we broke up( literally 6 days later). She met a guy at a bday party, and they went on a date. She has been going on dates with him since then. She is still single. I found out just as I decided that I missed her and wanted her back. I reacted as most men do. I flipped out. After I calmed down, I did the whole NC thing. I sent her a 7 page letter outlining the issues that I had. Also, I discussed how I want to fix the issues that caused us to go bad. So after this point we spoke about the letter, and she said that I did " a complete 180," and that it made her feel better about what happened. As we are having limited contact, I want to show her that I care so I send her a gift of cupcakes. She sends me an email thanking me for them. For about a 2 weeks we have no communication other than the gifts. She e-mailed me how I am doing. Also, my birthday was coming up.I took this as an opportunity to set up a meet. I e-mailed her saying I wanted to speak to her and she called me at her earliest convenience. She obliged to the date, so we got drinks. When we got drinks, I laid it all out. We kept eye contact throughout the convo. I adressed the issues that caused us to go bad, and she admitted to her own culpability. She admitted that she didn't realize how closed off she was. She wanted to know if I have slept with anyone in this interim period. I told her, no. She told me she hasn't slept with him. Through my own reconaissance, I know this to be true. I am also her first lover in every use of the word. So I walked her to her apt and wished her a good week(this was monday). She said good night and that we will talk. I want her back so bad. This isn't a case where I want what i can't have. I love her so fing much. I had other issues going on at the time of the breakup. I lost a close family member. Can anyone shed light on what she is thinking? Why its taking so long for her to answer (6 days)? Overall, What are my chances? They seem favorable. Am I errantly thinking that meeting me means that her new guy isn't quite cutting it. I know she had Halloween plans with him ( a party) that she wanted to keep.It seems that he is an emotional rebound for her to prove that she is desirable, am i right? Thank you in advance for any responses.
torranceshipman Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I'd call her and tell her you want her to be your girlfriend again, and how does she feel about that? Waiting isnt going to help, imo-be honest and see what she really feels.
Author SCfla Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 The thing is when we met. I told her that I love her, miss her, and want to do everything to work things out. Then she said "we will talk." Doesn't that imply that she will contact with her decision? Also, don't I run the risk of rushing her and potentially hearing the answer that I do not want to hear.
samspade Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 SCfla, you need to read some of the other like-minded threads around here. You have "one-itis" for this girl and you need to get it out of your system. Calling your ex and laying it on the line, which you have already done, won't help you. There may be a chance you two will get back together, but I'm guessing if it happens, it will end in a similar fashion and you will feel twice as heartbroken. A couple of issues I want to address: It was somewhat mutual. When a man types this, it is code for "she dumped me but I'm too down to admit it." I'm willing to bet it was more than 50% her dumping you than mutual. "Somewhat" is the giveaway. I did the whole NC thing. I sent her a 7 page letter outlining the issues that I had. Your definition of NC is sending a seven-page letter about your issues? No contact means NO CONTACT. You are not serving your interests. You're feeding her ego while simultaneously repelling her by supplicating yourself to her. Think about it...Her respect for you and interest in you is probably at an all-time low. It was low to begin with when you two broke up. The only chance you had to raise your stock in her eyes was to stay away from her, not contact her, live happily and meet and date others. It was also YOUR only shot at feeling better. You've completely diminished your standing in her eyes and you probably feel worse now for writing her letters, sending her CUPCAKES for God's sake, and begging for her to come back. She may not have slept with the new guy, but it's only a matter of time. You staying in the picture just gives her a nice branch to dangle from before grabbing the next one. And don't kid yourself: Halloween is when many chicks' inhibitions are extremely lowered. I'd say there's a good chance that she's slept with him, or at least had his d*ck in her mouth. Meanwhile, what have you done? You could be out getting some rebound a$$ of your own. And lucky her, because if she doesn't manage to f*ck this new guy, she can always go back to you if she gets desperate for some ex-bf/f*ck buddy action. All she has to do is string you along. I'm not saying this is all certain. But you need to stop deluding yourself and move on. She will respect you a lot more if you show some serious independence. You're way too fixated on getting her back, because your heart is broken, and you're making all the common mistakes men make. We've all been there, my friend. Luckily you can change course, starting RIGHT NOW. Go NO CONTACT, and get out and meet some new women.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 If shes saying "we will talk" theres definately a problem. You could have talked to her right then and there! My guess is while she may be having a hard time letting go, this break up really put in perspective how a break up was inevitable and needed to happen. So now shes forcing herself to move on, found a new guy to distract her and is going fourth into the scary world after love. As for you, I would start healing. A few weeks to realize all your mistakes is not... enough. Before you tell me "nonono trust me I know this is what was going wrong", dont. Because so many people on this site, SO many people trying to get their ex's back, say that. Its only after several months, when they're barely in love anymore, that they begin to truely look at the break up objectively and admit the root faults of the relationship. So for now? If you want her back? As backwards as it sounds, get over her. Its only when you can be your own person again, when you can stand tall without begging for her back, that she can begin to miss you and see what shes lost. On that note? TRYING to get her back right now will not work. Trust me, girls don't go back to boys who beg. Not in the long term. If anything, your nice gestures will make her feel good about herself, but think less of you. So... she likes it to some extent I'm sure, but only to the extent that she has a guy CHASING her down and she does not need to give him anything. Move on, as best you can. Were all here to help. Only if you back off and make her miss you, and in the mean time you become a sexy single you, can she really miss your company.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 You're feeding her ego while simultaneously repelling her by supplicating yourself to her. Think about it...Her respect for you and interest in you is probably at an all-time low. It was low to begin with when you two broke up. The only chance you had to raise your stock in her eyes was to stay away from her, not contact her, live happily and meet and date others. It was also YOUR only shot at feeling better. You've completely diminished your standing in her eyes and you probably feel worse now for writing her letters, sending her CUPCAKES for God's sake, and begging for her to come back. Sam said what I'm saying. So there you go, two people in accordance. ;p Time to move on.
samspade Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I forgot to add... The thing is when we met. I told her that I love her, miss her, and want to do everything to work things out. Then she said "we will talk." Doesn't that imply that she will contact with her decision? Also, don't I run the risk of rushing her and potentially hearing the answer that I do not want to hear. Here is what you do: Ignore her calls. Silence is golden. Just drop the whole thing and move on. This is not a game you are playing. Just show her you don't care if you have her in your life or not. (Even if you do...this is how you get started on the road to not caring.) I know it sounds difficult, but it's your best option. She has already SHOWN you she doesn't want to be in your life, and she's obviously interested in at least dating other men, so take her actions as your answer and move on.
samspade Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Sam said what I'm saying. So there you go, two people in accordance. ;p Time to move on. Tokyo, if you lived in New York, I'd make make a move on you.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Tokyo, if you lived in New York, I'd make make a move on you. Aww too bad!
MichiganMan222 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Watch it Tokyo! Rebound, rebound!!!! heeheehee
Author SCfla Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Although, I think the advice I have received is very sound, I think I omitted details. My ex and I broke up around labor day. At the time, I had two people, who very close to me pass away. I also work on Wall Street, and have been stressed out about my job. This took a significant toll on our relationship. I felt like a genuine failure and had many emotions running through my head. Around labor day we spoke and we both ended it. She said she couldn't depend on me and she didn't feel affection. She thought that throughout the relationship, that I was looking for a "better girl." Then a few days later she met the current guy she is dating at a birthday party. I have not contacted her since our meeting and am working on improving my career and getting into a top b-school. That being said, my ex consumes virtually all of my thoughts. I miss her dearly. She was a good girl. In the aforementioned letter and meeting, I discussed the things that were affecting me with her, and she expressed that she felt she should've done more in the relationship. Also, she said it helped her understand what a relationship meant. I understand that NC is more for my own benefit as opposed to reconciliation, but I can't help but wonder if this will result in us working out our issues. All indicators seem like their dating is going well. Her and I have shared so much, and I wonder if it is possible that she can forget her first "everything" and be all about this guy, or if its a rebound. She mentioned that she has nothing to compare to. I am 24 as is she, and we have dated since her and I were both 22. I miss her dearly and feel a great deal of guilt for letting external issues affect my relationship. I feel that she could've been more supportive throughout my trials, but her recognition of her error means a lot to me.I know that this isn't enough information to gauge whether a reconciliation is probable or even possible, but any help is greatly appreciated. I have thought long and hard as if I want her back, and throughout all my wavering and deliberation, I come up with, yes. I wonder if she's thinking about me, and if here desire to maintain contact and wish me happy birthday etc is indicative of a door being open after a significant NC period has elapsed
samspade Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 She thought that throughout the relationship, that I was looking for a "better girl." Then a few days later she met the current guy she is dating at a birthday party. She was probably trying to shift some blame/guilt onto you because she wanted to date other guys. I wonder if it is possible that she can forget her first "everything" and be all about this guy, or if its a rebound. You'd be surprised. Women are much better at turning off that switch than are men. Of course she won't forget you, but the reality is that a woman's interest in a guy plummets well before an official breakup occurs. They're very adept at giving themselves a soft landing, and shutting down their emotional connection with their exes. Don't take this personally - I honestly think it's hard-wired into their brains and they're not trying to be cold on purpose. I feel for you, but if I were you, I'd put my focus on steadying the ship, career-wise. It seems like you're working on that, but you might want to get those things sorted out before worrying about your ex. You actually have control over your financial, physical, and spiritual well-being, but you don't have control over her. Finally, while she may contact you and wish you a happy birthday, don't read anything into it. Part of it might be her trying to make sure you don't hate her. But bottom line is that unless she's banging on your door begging for you to take her back, she does not want to be with you. So get the idea of getting her back out of your mind - you'll improve much faster.
Author SCfla Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 Yeah, I know it is tough. I did the typical things after the breakup. I have slept with a couple other woman. During one of my encounters, I thought about her. I know I have to get it out of my mind. I didn't help with her insecurity issues. What I thought were jokes, she took seriously. We would be out and she would say, I think you should be with those "hot hot " girls. I know that bothered her for a while. Prior to our breakup, I didn't speak to her for two weeks, as I was trying to get my emotions in check. She also told me the reason, she was adamant about seeing where her current situation would go is that she didn't think that another guy would come along. I know that I have to move on, maybe get a rebound of my own. I just don't want to put someone through my crap, nor do I want to subject myself to an emotional sh*tstorm
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