535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 My girl is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I would rate her a 10 in every category, looks, personality, attitude, etc. One little problem. My girl has the same first name as my mother, but different spelling. It's a fairly unusual name. Unusual enough that I seemingly have a permanent association between that name and my mom. I sometimes cringe having to address my girl by name - in certain situations - because it seems inappropriate or disgusting. Example: "________, let's go to bed." I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to discuss it with her. I'm sure I could come up with a nickname for her, but I don't think that will eliminate the problem. The other thing is, she likes her name.
InLimbo2 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Some variation of the name - like Soph for Sophia or Janey for Jane - you get the drift. Or just pet names. I'd surely discuss it with her. I don't think any girl would have a problem with her guy saying "ya know how you and mom have the same name? well, I can't call you by that name while we're doin the nasty - it'll put me in therapy for years - let's come up with an alternative we both agree on" My girl is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I would rate her a 10 in every category, looks, personality, attitude, etc. One little problem. My girl has the same first name as my mother, but different spelling. It's a fairly unusual name. Unusual enough that I seemingly have a permanent association between that name and my mom. I sometimes cringe having to address my girl by name - in certain situations - because it seems inappropriate or disgusting. Example: "________, let's go to bed." I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to discuss it with her. I'm sure I could come up with a nickname for her, but I don't think that will eliminate the problem. The other thing is, she likes her name.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Yeah, I would come up with some sort of pet name for her when it comes to sex. If you guys have a great relationship, then you should be able to talk about it with her, however awkward it may be. But you do need to figure out some alternative, otherwise, what a damper on the sex life!
Author 535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 It's not just the sexual situations that are a problem. Sometimes I struggle hearing other people use our names in the same sentence. You know, friends or family talking about us dating or so on... If we were to get married and have kids some day, that's going to be worse, I'm afraid. Sure, 99.9% of everybody will realize what's going on. But the mere possibility of any person getting confused and thinking I married my mother, or fathered children with my mother, makes me nauseous. Literally. It's absolutely repulsing.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 How the heck did you meet some amazing woman who happens to have the same last name as your mother...??? Anyway, no one is going to think those things about you. They will see what an awesome woman your gf/future wife is and only see that you got lucky in meeting such an amazing woman. I think you are thinking about this more than anyone else is. Not that I don't understand where you are coming form, because I do. I'm just sayin'.
Author 535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 How the heck did you meet some amazing woman who happens to have the same last name as your mother...??? Long story short, we went to school together, but never knew each other back then. Things developed several years later. Anyway, no one is going to think those things about you. They will see what an awesome woman your gf/future wife is and only see that you got lucky in meeting such an amazing woman. I think you are thinking about this more than anyone else is. Not that I don't understand where you are coming form, because I do. I'm just sayin'. I realize this on an intellectual level. But the worries seem to come subconsciously. If there was some sort of counseling or therapy I could do to overcome this, I'd be all for it. Even talking to some guys who face the same problem would help greatly.
Suiyobi Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 My girl is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I would rate her a 10 in every category, looks, personality, attitude, etc. One little problem. My girl has the same first name as my mother, but different spelling. It's a fairly unusual name. Unusual enough that I seemingly have a permanent association between that name and my mom. I sometimes cringe having to address my girl by name - in certain situations - because it seems inappropriate or disgusting. Example: "________, let's go to bed." I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to discuss it with her. I'm sure I could come up with a nickname for her, but I don't think that will eliminate the problem. The other thing is, she likes her name. Dunno about you but I refer to my mother as "Mom", so much so that sometimes I forget she actually has a real name. So if I were to date a girl with the same first name as my mother's, it wouldn't bother me as much.
Meaplus3 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 My girl is the best thing that's happened to me in a long time. I would rate her a 10 in every category, looks, personality, attitude, etc. One little problem. My girl has the same first name as my mother, but different spelling. It's a fairly unusual name. Unusual enough that I seemingly have a permanent association between that name and my mom. I sometimes cringe having to address my girl by name - in certain situations - because it seems inappropriate or disgusting. Example: "________, let's go to bed." I really don't know what to do. I don't know how to discuss it with her. I'm sure I could come up with a nickname for her, but I don't think that will eliminate the problem. The other thing is, she likes her name. If shes a 10 in all areas than I would not give up on her just becuase she shares the same name as your mom. How about a nick name? AP:)
Geishawhelk Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I realize this on an intellectual level. But the worries seem to come subconsciously. Noooo.... if you know you're worried about it, there's nothing 'subconscious' about it. you're doing this to yourself, eyes and mind wide open. You are actually, consciously sabotaging your own relationship. If there was some sort of counseling or therapy I could do to overcome this, I'd be all for it. Even talking to some guys who face the same problem would help greatly. The fact that your GF and your Mom have the same name (virtually) is not the issue. Your relationship with your GF, and thinking of your mom in her place, is the issue. You may well need counselling, but your R. with your GF is not at stake. your R. with your mom is the hinge.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I understand your delima and know it is not something that is wrong with you, it is just something that you are extra sensitive to. I with everyone else that suggests you come up with a pet name. Or if she has a middle name or family nickname, see if you could use that and if she would mind if most of your friends and/or family would call her by that. And you are not paranoid to think that some people would mess with you because of it. Trust me, people can be funny sometimes and like to pick on little off things. And some might actually think about the situations you are thinking. This is truth and you are not paranoid to think it. But, now don't let what others say or think tear you away from the woman you love. And you must find security within yourself, however. You are not the first person to so happen to fall in love with someone with the same name of someone you have familiaral love for. I once dated a girl who had the same name as my girlfriend before her and I had to do some fighting within myself to block the images of my ex from my mind and quall the jokes of friends who picked up on that. DNR
Author 535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Noooo.... if you know you're worried about it, there's nothing 'subconscious' about it. you're doing this to yourself, eyes and mind wide open. You are actually, consciously sabotaging your own relationship. Subconscious probably isn't the correct word. I don't usually think about this ahead of time (except for this discussion ) because it's totally dependent on the situation or conversation at hand, which I can't predict. It's only afterwards that I consciously think about it for a little while. The best analogy I can think of is laughing. People don't laugh in advance of a funny moment, it's reactionary. My problem seems to follow a similar process. The fact that your GF and your Mom have the same name (virtually) is not the issue. Your relationship with your GF, and thinking of your mom in her place, is the issue. You may well need counselling, but your R. with your GF is not at stake. your R. with your mom is the hinge. Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to communicate. However, I don't quite understand your last sentence. Could you elaborate?
Trimmer Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 How the heck did you meet some amazing woman who happens to have the same last name as your mother...??? Long story short, we went to school together, but never knew each other back then. Things developed several years later. Did I miss something? It's the first name they have in common...
Lizzie60 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 WOW.. I tend to agree with Lishy... People who have it perfect.. still they will do everything to find something wrong.. Geezz I know some people in your situation.. they never even thought of it that way.. You have a twisted mind my dear..
Geishawhelk Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 .....The best analogy I can think of is laughing. People don't laugh in advance of a funny moment, it's reactionary. My problem seems to follow a similar process. Ok, getting you here.... I would respond that if you're going to see a funny film, you'll expect to laugh... or you can predict that something funny is going to happen... and you almost prepare yourself in readiness...... Yes, that's exactly what I was trying to communicate. However, I don't quite understand your last sentence. Could you elaborate? My point is that it's not your connection and association with your GF that should be worrying you, name-wise, but why it makes you think of your mom. So I would surmise that there may be a glitch or difficulty with your attitude towards your mother. I'm not talking Oedipus complex here, but i would say that the influence of the relationship you have with your mother may not only be influencing the 'name' aspect of your relationship, but Mom's strength of presence may be influencing your general connection with your GF.
Author 535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 I understand your delima and know it is not something that is wrong with you, it is just something that you are extra sensitive to. I with everyone else that suggests you come up with a pet name. Or if she has a middle name or family nickname, see if you could use that and if she would mind if most of your friends and/or family would call her by that. And you are not paranoid to think that some people would mess with you because of it. Trust me, people can be funny sometimes and like to pick on little off things. And some might actually think about the situations you are thinking. This is truth and you are not paranoid to think it. But, now don't let what others say or think tear you away from the woman you love. And you must find security within yourself, however. You are not the first person to so happen to fall in love with someone with the same name of someone you have familiaral love for. I once dated a girl who had the same name as my girlfriend before her and I had to do some fighting within myself to block the images of my ex from my mind and quall the jokes of friends who picked up on that. People do joke about it, but not in an offensive way. After all, the situation does have a degree of humor in it. I mean, what are the odds of this happening in the first place?
Geishawhelk Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 ...You have a twisted mind my dear.. No, he doesn't. This is actually more common than most people would believe. I came across several situations in counselling where the lines between having a partner, and desiring a mother/father figure were quite blurred. There is a possibility that the OP is heavily resistant to having a relationship with a woman whose name is the same (or similar) to his mother's, precisely because he is very keen to not emulate that relationship with his partner.
Vertex Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I can actually empathize with the OP here. If your mom has a fairly unique name, you tend to associate that name with your mother. Meeting someone else with the same name is definitely going to bring back those mother-associations. I see nothing weird about it -- my mom has a very unique too and I can see how having a girlfriend with the same name would be a bit strange. I'd personally just try to either get over it, or find a nickname she's responsive to, although the latter idea is a bit of a gimmick. If I may ask, what's her name?
Author 535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Until I met my girl for the first time, I had NEVER known anybody else with that name, except for my mother. Whenever my mom meets somebody with the same name, she gets excited because it only happens once every year or two. That's why I have such a connection between the name and my mother.
Author 535478 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Ok, getting you here.... I would respond that if you're going to see a funny film, you'll expect to laugh... or you can predict that something funny is going to happen... and you almost prepare yourself in readiness...... The distinction I was trying to make is that I can't see specific situations ahead of time in order to dwell on them. I'll give you an example... You seem like an all-around nice person. If you said something offensive to me (intentional or not), I would never in a million years see it coming. Thus, I wouldn't be worrying about it ahead of time. So I would surmise that there may be a glitch or difficulty with your attitude towards your mother. I'm not talking Oedipus complex here, but i would say that the influence of the relationship you have with your mother may not only be influencing the 'name' aspect of your relationship, but Mom's strength of presence may be influencing your general connection with your GF. I get along with my mother very well. As a guy, growing up, it was an unwritten rule that you NEVER said anything foul about another guy's mother. If you did, you would surely get hurt. I'm pretty much convinced that it's a built-in defense mechanism that all guys have, not just the jerks or bullies. And it's something that remains with you for a lifetime. If some strange guy walked up to my mother and said, "_______, you look sexy!" (where ______ is my mom's name) my response would not be pretty. But if I made the identical statement to my girlfriend, there shouldn't be a problem with it. Right? That's where my brain is at war with itself.
D-Lish Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I don't see what the big problem is... My dad's name is "dave"... geez, I've dated a lot of guys in my life with the same name and never thought about it. My most recent has the same name as my ex husband- a very uncommon name that I never thought I'd come across again in my life. You know what I did? I just kept saying his name as often as I could to desensitize myself to it. Seriously- problem solved. I have also nicknamed him- that helps too.
Trimmer Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 As a guy, growing up, it was an unwritten rule that you NEVER said anything foul about another guy's mother. If you did, you would surely get hurt. I'm pretty much convinced that it's a built-in defense mechanism that all guys have, not just the jerks or bullies. And it's something that remains with you for a lifetime. If some strange guy walked up to my mother and said, "_______, you look sexy!" (where ______ is my mom's name) my response would not be pretty. But if I made the identical statement to my girlfriend, there shouldn't be a problem with it. Right? That's where my brain is at war with itself. Just exploring a little bit: Why would you consider "You look sexy..." to be foul, if someone said it to your mother? I grant that it's something you might not prefer to overhear, but foul?
jadedone Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I agree with a previous poster. My mom has always been "MOM" I too sometimes forget she has a real name. So a common name would not bother me in the least.
Geishawhelk Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I get along with my mother very well. I wasn't suggesting you didn't. But I think you've differentiated your mum from 'woman'. You've isolated her into one bracket, and you can't see her outside it.... As a guy, growing up, it was an unwritten rule that you NEVER said anything foul about another guy's mother. If you did, you would surely get hurt. I'm pretty much convinced that it's a built-in defense mechanism that all guys have, not just the jerks or bullies. And it's something that remains with you for a lifetime. If some strange guy walked up to my mother and said, "_______, you look sexy!" (where ______ is my mom's name) my response would not be pretty. But if I made the identical statement to my girlfriend, there shouldn't be a problem with it. Right? That's where my brain is at war with itself. And there you have it. Moms aren't sexy, desirable, sensual creatures, they're moms! Your dad found your mother sexy and desirable. He made love to her, and they produced you. Heck, if you have siblings, they did it more than once. But for you to think in thesae terms - well, it's just not on, is it..... Mentally, you have her on a pedestal, and the thought of thinking of her in a sexual way is completely off-putting to you. And I understand this. Come clean to your girlfriend, but I hope that once your swentimnts are out in the open, they will start to dissipate... A problem shared.....
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