not sure how to handle this boy

[sweetappl2]

I wrote before about my ex-bf who broke up with me because he needed to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He figured it out, that he wanted to join the Coast Guard and now he is figuring out if he thinks we can handle it or not. He's had some trust issues in the past, so its hard for him to make that leap. During the 'break' its been up and down.... he still remains very close to me, like calling me almost everyday and texting me throughout this whole time.

 

The past week, he had been really angry/upset. I think it has to do with everything he has been suffering through at home, with family, financial probs, life, etc. He kept blowing me off, getting upset, yelling, and it was just gettin really bad. I talked to him about not talking for a few days in that it would help and he agreed. Then he texted me two days later asking if I wanted to move on and if thats why i wasn't talking. Didn't we just discuss that it would help? He's been up and down saying things like that for a long time.

 

With the few days of not talking this was the longest we hadn't talked. I didn't see him for 5 days. Since then, it seems like he has gone into this depressed state and all the sudden he wanted to hear my feelings for him and what I thought about us, when before this topic used to make him angry because he thought i was trying to make him feel bad. So we talked about all that, and even today he is still being all mopey. He even said that I deserve better, that i seem to be having a better life with out him (when I'm just doing my normal thing like usual!) He has asked me who the guy is that's makin me happy (when there is no one!) He won't commit because he thinks he would be a bad bf right now, with the stuff he is goin though. But he is unable to let go either and do the things he has to do. I don't understand!! He was such a wonderful, caring guy who had his stuff together. I don't know what to do with him right now. I do miss him, and we've always thought of this as a "break" but he is just all over the place. Five days ago, he said I was ruining things and that I was hanging on by a thread because he was upset with me. And now he is all depressed about everything. It's like he's a woman!

 

I want to support him, cause I care about him. But its hard to support him when he makes comments like 'so i guess you don't want to talk to me' He told me today that I could have texted or called him. He's the one who broke up with me, so I think that is his responsibility! He's the one who needs space, therefore its on his call. I just don't know what to do, he seems to be very confused right now. Anyone ever have to deal with something like this, what did you do? This is the first time he's ever started being all depressed about things, usually he's just angry/upset or whatever. But he hasn't wanted to actually listen to what I have to say in a long time. Do you think he may be snapping out of it soon? I would think you'd have to realize what you're doing wrong, get upset with yourself and then things can only go uphill from there?

[InLimbo2]

Personally, from life experience, I've learned that if a man tells you he deserves better than him - he's right.

 

Sounds like he wanted to break up, did, felt like a heel, and is feeling guilty - so he does this push/pull act. And likes keepin you on the string, just in case he wants back in. He's depressed and drifting - he likes hearing how you feel about him etc because it boosts his ego. If he's a decent guy he's not doing it consciously, but that's what it is.

 

My advice - tell him that you care for him deeply, and that if you two were in a committed relationship and working towards the same goals as a couple you would be supportive and understanding and help him sort things out. But that as it stands now, you are broken up, he's chosen to be single, and you can't be his primary emotional support. It's not fair to you, it tears you up, and you are not an unbiased objective sounding board for him and all his issues.

 

Men do like when their women are loving and supportive, men don't like women who let them walk all over them.

 

Just my .02 cents

 

I wrote before about my ex-bf who broke up with me because he needed to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He figured it out, that he wanted to join the Coast Guard and now he is figuring out if he thinks we can handle it or not. He's had some trust issues in the past, so its hard for him to make that leap. During the 'break' its been up and down.... he still remains very close to me, like calling me almost everyday and texting me throughout this whole time.

 

The past week, he had been really angry/upset. I think it has to do with everything he has been suffering through at home, with family, financial probs, life, etc. He kept blowing me off, getting upset, yelling, and it was just gettin really bad. I talked to him about not talking for a few days in that it would help and he agreed. Then he texted me two days later asking if I wanted to move on and if thats why i wasn't talking. Didn't we just discuss that it would help? He's been up and down saying things like that for a long time.

 

With the few days of not talking this was the longest we hadn't talked. I didn't see him for 5 days. Since then, it seems like he has gone into this depressed state and all the sudden he wanted to hear my feelings for him and what I thought about us, when before this topic used to make him angry because he thought i was trying to make him feel bad. So we talked about all that, and even today he is still being all mopey. He even said that I deserve better, that i seem to be having a better life with out him (when I'm just doing my normal thing like usual!) He has asked me who the guy is that's makin me happy (when there is no one!) He won't commit because he thinks he would be a bad bf right now, with the stuff he is goin though. But he is unable to let go either and do the things he has to do. I don't understand!! He was such a wonderful, caring guy who had his stuff together. I don't know what to do with him right now. I do miss him, and we've always thought of this as a "break" but he is just all over the place. Five days ago, he said I was ruining things and that I was hanging on by a thread because he was upset with me. And now he is all depressed about everything. It's like he's a woman!

 

I want to support him, cause I care about him. But its hard to support him when he makes comments like 'so i guess you don't want to talk to me' He told me today that I could have texted or called him. He's the one who broke up with me, so I think that is his responsibility! He's the one who needs space, therefore its on his call. I just don't know what to do, he seems to be very confused right now. Anyone ever have to deal with something like this, what did you do? This is the first time he's ever started being all depressed about things, usually he's just angry/upset or whatever. But he hasn't wanted to actually listen to what I have to say in a long time. Do you think he may be snapping out of it soon? I would think you'd have to realize what you're doing wrong, get upset with yourself and then things can only go uphill from there?

[sweetappl2]

I have told him that I care for him deeply. I had written him a letter saying how we could work it out with him being away in the coast guard and how much I care. It took him a week to read the letter, he finally did I think once we weren't talking for those few days. Last night was the first time, he said he wanted to hear me say the things in my letter, he was just really mopey and needed to hear it I guess. Which I ended up just texting him cause it was late. I had always told him i wanted to read him the letter but he just said to give it to him so he can read it.

 

Its like he's insecure, and this is all his issue. He has always felt guilty about the break-up because I know he wants to be with me. Thats why he would get so upset when I brought 'us' up, because it made him feel bad. He's getting jealous and we're not even together! You're right he is stringing me along, there is nothing I can do to make him commit. Its just strange for me now because I haven't ever had to deal with this emotional side. I feel like he's afraid to lose me or something. This whole not-talking this week really threw him off, even though we both specifically agreed it would help. I'm just not sure how to handle it from here. I do care about him, but its helping me emotionally to be distant like keeping my guard up you know? I really do miss him and want things to go back to the way they were. I just don't know how to support him at this time and convince him that he really is a good guy, just goin through a hard time. I wish he wouldn't say I deserve better just cause he's going through this.

[Island Girl]

I wrote before about my ex-bf who broke up with me because he needed to figure out what he wanted to do with his life. He figured it out, that he wanted to join the Coast Guard and now he is figuring out if he thinks we can handle it or not. He's had some trust issues in the past, so its hard for him to make that leap. During the 'break' its been up and down.... he still remains very close to me, like calling me almost everyday and texting me throughout this whole time.

 

If you still want him to be your boyfriend then you do not allow him access to your support emotional or otherwise when he breaks up with you. If these are things he misses and wants (which it sounds like he would) then he comes back not able to deal with life without you and - "wha la".

 

If he breaks up with you and you still give him basically everything he would get with you as his girlfriend but sex (and some girls ridiculously still give them THAT as well!) then why would he ever get back together with you? This way he gets all the great things about you and he is free to meet other women as well - as many as he wants and can explore relationships with them as well. And you get what...?

 

The past week, he had been really angry/upset. I think it has to do with everything he has been suffering through at home, with family, financial probs, life, etc. He kept blowing me off, getting upset, yelling, and it was just gettin really bad.

 

None of which are your problems and since you are not dating they are not even your problems by association. Here is when he would miss having you around (if when he had broken up with you it really had been a split).

 

So he gets to take you for granted, treat you like crap, and has the luxury of calling all the shots. Great.

 

Where are your parameters? And what are your needs and wants in a relationship? Do you get what you need as well right now? My guess is you are so busy worrying about him that you don't even notice you are getting nothing out of this right now. You are just playing Florence Nightingale. His savior who is there to catch him when he falls, support him no matter what, and sacrifice everything for him. All the while you just know that he'll see you are the one person who is always there and never want to let you go.

 

But that isn't the way it works. One of the most necessary components in a loving stable relationship is respect. And you are his doormat. How can you respect someone who when you rip their heart out of their chest, they say, "if you need to do that it is okay. I'll learn to live without it. I'll stay here by your side just in case you need anything else because I want to be here for you."

 

You should be saying, "I am a fantastic catch and if you can't see that then I will find the man that can. Have fun trying to find another girl who is everything I have been to you because she isn't out there".

 

I talked to him about not talking for a few days in that it would help and he agreed.

 

Ah FINALLY.

 

Then he texted me two days later asking if I wanted to move on and if thats why i wasn't talking. Didn't we just discuss that it would help? He's been up and down saying things like that for a long time.

 

He thought for sure you couldn't do the no contact so when it started seeming like you could he just wanted to make sure you were still just as hooked. He set you up (classically I might add) by seemingly being confused and challenging your many statements of how much you love him and no other blah blah blah. My guess is you responded immediately to his text. So you confirmed that yes, you are indeed just as stuck on him as ever and there is no real danger of another taking his place.

 

Now he doesn't even have to talk to you on a regular basis or treat you well. You stick around and ask for more and he doesn't have to do anything. He has no responsibility to you or the relationship because you aren't his girlfriend. How perfect (for him).

 

With the few days of not talking this was the longest we hadn't talked. I didn't see him for 5 days. Since then, it seems like he has gone into this depressed state and all the sudden he wanted to hear my feelings for him and what I thought about us, when before this topic used to make him angry because he thought i was trying to make him feel bad.

 

Again, he is looking for confirmation that you are still only focusing on him and that he can still have you back at any point. While you are torn up waiting around, desperate for answers, and lacking in support for yourself. Poor guy.

 

So we talked about all that, and even today he is still being all mopey. He even said that I deserve better, that i seem to be having a better life with out him (when I'm just doing my normal thing like usual!)

 

I second the other poster above on this one. He knows you deserve better. He knows you really deserve someone who does not take you for granted or use you when it suits them but then puts you back up on the proverbial shelf when it doesn't.

 

It also gets you to reply with "no I don't" - or - "I only have eyes for you", etc. and so he also gets affirmation that the crap he is having you go through is still okay with you. That just means there will be a lot more of the same.

 

He has asked me who the guy is that's makin me happy (when there is no one!)

 

Text book example of how he can affirm you aren't seeing anyone else and there is no danger of this cake eater losing his piece of cake or the ability to eat it too.

 

This is one of the oldest tricks in the book and I am sorry girlfriend but you fell for it, didn't you? You confirmed there is no one else when you should have told him it is none of his business. And I only say you should have said that because you are making the terrible choice of still speaking to him. As previously stated, I think that is the initial and biggest mistake.

 

He won't commit because he thinks he would be a bad bf right now, with the stuff he is goin though. But he is unable to let go either and do the things he has to do. I don't understand!!

 

Something caused him to back off. Who knows what it is but it has everything to do with him and his head. Translation is whatever it is, it is not your problem, you shouldn't have to listen to it.

 

The reason he is giving you is just bullsh*t. He thinks he'd be such a bad boyfriend but he is willing to stick around and be a terrible friend! C'mon you can see through that too can't you?

 

He is just unable to let go of things because he wants to keep you around in case the "someone better" doesn't come along. The saying goes "a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush" but he has the bird in the hand AND the ability to go after the others in the bush...what is he missing with the commitment between the two of you dissolved? Oh yeah, not much if anything at all.

 

He was such a wonderful, caring guy who had his stuff together. I don't know what to do with him right now. I do miss him, and we've always thought of this as a "break" but he is just all over the place.

 

Yes, but then that "wonderful, caring" guy decided he might want something other than you in his life. But he still wanted to keep you around...just in case. He told you he wanted to stop being your boyfriend but then proceeded to get you bought in to a relationship within his perimeters so he can get everything he wants. And you get little if anything that you want. Also, unfortunately, the longer you allow him to treat you this way the further you get from happily ever after. So even if there is still a chance you are killing it.

 

And how can you be on a break when you are still talking and seeing each other?

 

Five days ago, he said I was ruining things and that I was hanging on by a thread because he was upset with me. And now he is all depressed about everything. It's like he's a woman!

 

Oh were you a little too emotional or a bit too demanding for some clarification? Yeah the threats about you being cut off work do they? Did you immediately back off like he wanted (because you are scared you wouldn't have him anymore? Because you do not have him now. You deserve the entire steak dinner including the dinner roll; as it is you accept crumbs instead.

 

I want to support him, cause I care about him. But its hard to support him when he makes comments like 'so i guess you don't want to talk to me'

 

Oh poor poor guy. Sitting around all depressed and no one cares.

 

THAT is a bunch of crap. He KNOWS you care. And he KNOWS you care way too much. And he also knows he doesn't have to work at all to keep you around.

 

Those comments just like the "who's the guy making you happy" comment are just to get you to reaffirm that he is THE one and only and that he still has you stuck right there waiting for him.

 

He told me today that I could have texted or called him.

 

Again, so he could make sure you were still right there waiting and puts the guilt trip on you to make you think he is questioning whether you care or not (when he has plenty of evidence that you do). Manipulation at it's best. Then you feel like you are letting him down and that you are just like "the others" who have been unreliable and untrustworthy with his heart. Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

But he hasn't wanted to actually listen to what I have to say in a long time.

 

Why should he care about what you have to say? You aren't his girlfriend and so he doesn't have to listen or care. He gets to care about him and how he's feeling and is pulling manipulative crap to make sure you stick around and care about how he's feeling. So everybody is caring about him and his needs and nobody is caring about you and your needs.

Why are you doing this again? Oh yeah. Love. That sounds a lot like love doesn't it? I mean the way he is treating you? Yeah that is love.

 

You should really set boundaries and expectations for what YOU need and require from any man you are involved with romantically and then HOLD THEM TO IT. Believe me, if a man wants to be with you he will rise to your expectations. And NEVER settle for less.

 

Do you think he may be snapping out of it soon?

 

NO. A thousand times, NO. Snap out of what exactly? Playing games with your emotions? Keeping you around so he can still have access to what he needs from you with a perfect escape hatch built right in to the relationship. It goes something like this: "you are not my girlfriend so you can't get jealous, insecure, angry, sad, or any other emotion that I won't deal with. I will A) threaten to cut you off from talking to wonderful shining star, me, the light of your life or B) tell you I refuse to deal with it and to call me when you can be calm. This way I can get everything I want and who cares about you or your feelings anyway!"

 

I would think you'd have to realize what you're doing wrong, get upset with yourself and then things can only go uphill from there?

 

Well you would if the person has a backbone and says good bye when it is appropriate.

 

Please please please realize you deserve so much more. And you will NEVER get it if you do not demand it, expect it, and move on when you don't get it. If they really do care, the ones who try to play these games will snap out of it and become normal again. (But I have always had that happen when the very first mention of it not working out is the cut off - I have no experience of what happens when you make that move after so much emotional crap has gone on. I do know for a fact that if you continue what you are doing now you'll get more of the same.)

[Island Girl]

I have told him that I care for him deeply. I had written him a letter saying how we could work it out with him being away in the coast guard and how much I care.

 

Yeah well there is no question in his mind how much you care. He's got it hands down. That is why he can treat you any way he wants and you are still around. Without even being attached to you by any level of commitment, there you are just waiting around.

 

It took him a week to read the letter, he finally did I think once we weren't talking for those few days.

 

If a person cared about how someone felt and that person wrote a letter - they'd want to read it and would at the first opportunity. Sorry to be so blunt but he didn't care to read it because he knew basically what it would say and that you are stupidly stuck on him -- brainlessly stuck on him -- self-sacrificially stuck on him. You have been his whipping post for a while now (waiting around for that day when he finally comes to his senses) so what else would it possibly be but a profession of your love and how you'd hang on through any and all circumstances.

 

Last night was the first time, he said he wanted to hear me say the things in my letter, he was just really mopey and needed to hear it I guess. Which I ended up just texting him cause it was late.

 

So again you reassured him again that everything you wrote in the letter is still true and that he doesn't have to worry about you going anywhere while he tries to make up his mind if he cares about you enough to forsake the "grass is greener" girls.

 

I had always told him i wanted to read him the letter but he just said to give it to him so he can read it.

 

Because he hears all of the same kind of things entirely too much for his liking directly from you all the time. Like I said he knew exactly what the letter would say.

 

He wants to make sure you still mean it and that there is no one else that could show you how much you are missing out on.

 

Its like he's insecure, and this is all his issue. He has always felt guilty about the break-up because I know he wants to be with me. Thats why he would get so upset when I brought 'us' up, because it made him feel bad.

 

He is not insecure. Not when it comes to you. That is his excuse and you bought it. He hasn't felt guilty about the break up. He has felt guilty about how he has treated you since the break up though. And rightly so. He has treated you terribly but you have let him.

 

My guess is he only wants to talk about your relationship when he brings it up so it is on his terms and he can direct the conversation to a bunch of ego stroking and affirmations for him without him having to give much of anything back but lots of "I just don't know" and "it's so hard". Blah blah blah whatever.

 

He's getting jealous and we're not even together!

 

No he is feigning jealousy because you aren't together and it leads you to believe he cares more than he does so you'll stick around for more of the same. He's got a great thing going with all of whatever he needs or wants right at his fingertips and he's calling all the shots. Why wouldn't he want to put in the minimum effort needed to keep it that way? Ask yourself how much does it really take to keep you holding on? My guess is not much.

 

You're right he is stringing me along, there is nothing I can do to make him commit.

 

Exactly. Finally. And allowing yourself to get used as his personal toy or whipping post will just ensure he won't.

 

Its just strange for me now because I haven't ever had to deal with this emotional side. I feel like he's afraid to lose me or something.

 

He isn't afraid of losing you. HE BROKE UP WITH YOU. You do not break up with someone if you really care about losing them.

 

This whole not-talking this week really threw him off, even though we both specifically agreed it would help.

 

It didn't throw him off! He just wanted to see if he was right (and he was sure he was) that even if you went a while without talking you'd still stick around for him to lean on and cry to.

 

I'm just not sure how to handle it from here. I do care about him, but its helping me emotionally to be distant like keeping my guard up you know? I really do miss him and want things to go back to the way they were. I just don't know how to support him at this time and convince him that he really is a good guy, just goin through a hard time. I wish he wouldn't say I deserve better just cause he's going through this.

 

Let me lay it out there for you.

 

He breaks up with you which alleviates him from any responsibility or demands from you.

 

He still gets everything he still likes about you including a shoulder to cry on and en emotional cheerleader who he has convinced he needs to tell him how great he is.

 

He is free to do anything he wants without you being able to say "boo" about it.

 

He can even date other people if he meets that girl he thinks is out there who is in some way better than you are - looks, personality, emotionally, sense of humor, whatever it is.

 

He also has set you up so that he can manipulate any conversation to maintain his agenda.

 

And all the while you get the short end of the stick, all of the "work" in relation to keeping the "relationship" together, minimal attention, no reassurances, no commitment, a constant demand from him to make him feel better, no voice (or at least one that isn't heard), and if you get emotional in any way then he can threaten you and you'll stuff your emotions down and allow yourself to be manipulated.

 

:sick: Not a fair trade, is it? :sick: