Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 we are in a long distance relationship and i find myself doing all the work, she still calls but a lot of times she is too busy and i seem to be a boredom relief more than a boyfriend, we went on a break and she hasn't been the same since, she had kissed another guy, either way i saw her just a few weeks ago and we had a great time, she told me how much she wanted to come see me and would do her best, now it is a month before she is supposed to see me and when i mention it, she gets quiet, doesn't act excited, she blows hot and cold and everything seems to be on her terms, communication is way down and she is extremely moody, is there anything i can do to salvage this and do i go forward through the visit if we can work the details out and maybe explain this to her before she leaves, that would be in a month or so, explain to her that i need consistency. she acts like she is living the single life since we are apart, she is being extremely selfish, she has also moved home and since then it started going down, her parents aren't too happy with the relationship but i know that has nothing to do with it, she goes out clubbing with girlfriends. even told me she danced with 2 guys but said there was no touching. but either way i need to see immediate change or i'm pretty sure its going to be over, i have been clingy for the past week or 2 but now im just going back to not calling and letting her do the work, i figure if she wants to come here she will let me know.
BikerBeagle Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 If you aren't getting what you want out of the relationship, time to get out. I suppose you could try talking to her, but it sounds to me like she wants her cake and eat it too (which happens a lot in LD relationships). She'll probably be reluctant to go that route.
Author Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 even though this is foolish, when we do get back in touch i am going to see if she still wants to come to see me for Christmas, if she doesn't have a confirmed answer then im pretty sure i have no reason to stay in this, its my last effort before i give up, i have done too much already, im even second guessing because of our last visit, it was great but within 2-3 weeks she was acting like it meant nothing. im pretty sure the same would happen, though this commitment on her part would require taking a week off and telling her parents who are against it, she basically has 2 weeks to tell me and if not i pretty much see no reason to continue, i can't be in a long distance relationship knowing i will not see the person.
Author Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 i really need some help with this, basically she is not going to be able to see me financially she can't, i think this spells the end of our relationship, along with not being able to see me, and her financial issues, full time college students, working and no loans, she has not been the same girl since going home, i was thinking about breaking it off within the next few days, basically telling her that i think we can't continue with these circumstances and it would be better we don't talk for awhile, i feel bad because i will be abandoning her but the fact is i know she isn't committed to this and in a way i have lost the desire to be committed to this, under stress she becomes a different person and seems to disregard me totally. but the fact is i don't see a way to be with her, im not going to go live there and she has to deal with the hash reality of life and i know the reason she goes out with these people is to get away from reality, but clubbing and dancing with other guys its not the girl i met or knew for a year, its someone that has made me unable to trust, the fact is im sure these guys had there hands on her and much more. am i doing the right thing or should i fight for her, she was the greatest person i ever met and continued to be for a year. i can't believe she danced with 2 guys, i didn't say not to, but i didn't think she would, any input appreciated thanks
Island Girl Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 i really need some help with this, basically she is not going to be able to see me financially she can't, i think this spells the end of our relationship, With no way to reconnect and get some of those feelings back on both sides then I think so too unfortunately. Having this kind of a conversation where one is asking another to reengage themselves is difficult in any relationship but in an LDR when things have gone awry it is nearly impossible. The person in an LDR has a life all around them without that other person. That is why most of them fail. It is just too easy to meet other people, have different influences than before, or new interests that the significant other is not a part of. When conversations like these happen in an LDR often the other party has already removed themselves from the relationship somewhat and it is the easier of the two to just dismiss the relationship and the demands of that other person. Sometimes the "ending" of the relationship is a rebirth of sorts and serves as a way for the other person to live outside of the relationship where they find they should not have let the person go and then they come back more commited. But these instances seem to be very few and long between. along with not being able to see me, and her financial issues, full time college students, working and no loans, she has not been the same girl since going home, i was thinking about breaking it off within the next few days, basically telling her that i think we can't continue with these circumstances and it would be better we don't talk for awhile, i feel bad because i will be abandoning her If she isn't the same girl you met then who are you holding on to? How can you abandon someone who isn't relying on you? but the fact is i know she isn't committed to this and in a way i have lost the desire to be committed to this, Well LDRs are tough in the best of circumstances where both people are commited 100%. If there is a lack of commitment on both sides then it will end. Either quickly or a slow torturous death. under stress she becomes a different person and seems to disregard me totally. but the fact is i don't see a way to be with her, im not going to go live there and she has to deal with the hash reality of life and i know the reason she goes out with these people is to get away from reality, but clubbing and dancing with other guys its not the girl i met or knew for a year, its someone that has made me unable to trust, the fact is im sure these guys had there hands on her and much more. The entire paragraph suggests you should end it or it is already over but the finality of actually saying it. am i doing the right thing or should i fight for her, she was the greatest person i ever met and continued to be for a year. i can't believe she danced with 2 guys, i didn't say not to, but i didn't think she would, any input appreciated thanks It is unreasonable with your level of commitment to ask her not to dance with other guys. If she goes out dancing - it is what you do afterall. This statement just shows that you have some insecurities yourself that have nothing to do with her. But you also ask if you should "fight for her". Who would you fight and how? You are long distance. The only 'weapons' you have are the amount of attention you give her and the absence of it. Giving her attention isn't working. So I guess your only move is to withdraw it and hope she misses you so much she contacts you and professes her dedication and love.
Author Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 thanks for your response Island Girl, one thing i forgot to mention was we were fine up until a week ago, it seems that after the visit the reality sets in, for about 1-2 weeks after she was very enthusiastic and even sent me a letter that she was going to see me, but especially over this past weekend with her plans she didn't have the time of day for me, if this was our relationship i would have no problem talking 30 min a day, but just a week or 2 ago it was 2-3 hours a night and it usually always is, i know after we took our first break she contacted me immediately, she was having nightmares and she missed me really bad, this was just 2 months ago, and the feelings are stronger now i believe, the biggest problem is the lack of visiting, if she was committed to visiting me or had the means to, im pretty sure if she had the money she would be here, but she doesn't and shes not going to not live her life just to see me, thats what her actions show, my last ditch plan was to send her a plane ticket for Christmas to see me in january when she has break and basically make it a last chance, tell her if you really want this get on that plane! but i know this most likely wouldn't work and she would probably think i was pressuring her.
Island Girl Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 thanks for your response Island Girl, one thing i forgot to mention was we were fine up until a week ago, it seems that after the visit the reality sets in, Is this a pattern or something new? for about 1-2 weeks after she was very enthusiastic and even sent me a letter that she was going to see me, but especially over this past weekend with her plans she didn't have the time of day for me, So her social calendar was full and you get shoved aside. Well, it could be "out of sight out of mind" or something bigger. But to me, the "out of sight out of mind" would be enough. if this was our relationship i would have no problem talking 30 min a day, but just a week or 2 ago it was 2-3 hours a night and it usually always is, Yeah, that kind of sudden change is alarming. Has anything in her life changed as far as responsibilities? Did she get a new job that is demanding more of her time? i know after we took our first break she contacted me immediately, she was having nightmares and she missed me really bad, Did you have a mutual break? If not, whose idea was it? this was just 2 months ago, and the feelings are stronger now i believe, the biggest problem is the lack of visiting, if she was committed to visiting me or had the means to, im pretty sure if she had the money she would be here, but she doesn't and shes not going to not live her life just to see me, There is quite a difference between living her life just to see you (unreasonable) and living her life while making you an intricate part of it. thats what her actions show, my last ditch plan was to send her a plane ticket for Christmas to see me in january when she has break and basically make it a last chance, tell her if you really want this get on that plane! but i know this most likely wouldn't work and she would probably think i was pressuring her. If you were buying the ticket for her as a gift and she gets a free trip to see the man she loves when that is a very rare thing (and right now she doesn't know when that would happen) it should be welcomed. Any other reaction is suspicious. Pressured? Into seeing someone she cried and had nightmares about losing? That makes no sense.
Author Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 it seems like a pattern, after a visit she is excited and even talks about seeing me, then i start to mention it and turn it to reality and she shys back on the talks and trys to delay it, but the fact is i can't go until march without seeing this girl, things are on edge as it, i figured maybe a visit would straighten things out but it hasn't. yea it seems like she will be going fine for months and then all of a sudden when she gets under pressure she starts going out and making stupid decisions, hanging out with all the wrong people, she is 20 hanging out with 26 year olds and people who drink and party, this is not her or her as i knew her as far as changes in responsibilities her parents are not helping her with school and she is working full time and school full time, but it has been like this since august. it seems like its more of a priority to go out then to see me or talk to me. her heart is not in it anymore. the break happened because she kissed another guy and all communication had broken down, it was a situation similiar to this, she started hanging out with losers, staying out till 4am, going to work at 7am, not calling me all day until 3-4 am, then she said she couldnt taake it anymore too much stress and she still wanted to talk to me but not be in a relationship, i said no and within a week of nc she was calling me telling me it was killing her not to talk to me and maybe she wanted to be in a relationship. i told her i had to think about it and told her that she should come visit me this time i was sick of doing all the work, of course i gave in when i found out she wasn't going to have the money but really wanted me to come see her, i saw her and we had a great time, we have a genuine connection and can talk about anything, not to mention a great sexual bond and emotional bond (when things are right!) but as forecasted within a week or so and it usually is a definitive thing she goes right back to this unsure person who seemingly has no commitment to me, only in words. and as for the ticket, i am not sure if i should do this, i was thinking about telling her basically i can get her this flight, she can stay with me for a week, otherwise it most likely will meet the end of the road, i am not going to wait 4-5 months to see someone who is hot and cold, i guess im hoping a longer 1 week visit will help us build more memories, most of our relationship was built on the phone, but her level of commitment is not as high as mine, i would see this thing through even now if things turned around despite all her issues and everything, if i really felt she was making a strong effort, another problem is her insecurities, im pretty sure you loves this male attention, she always mentions to me when someone hits on her, she acts like it bothers her but it seems like she always has to mention other men to me, even telling me some guy said she was a great dancer and its so annoying when we guys stare at her, i just tell her things like what do you expect your a girl and an attractive girl always gets hit on, but to tell me seems like its just to make me jealous. i think she may have borderline personality disorder, which sounds a lot like her, impulsive, fear of abandonment, basically telling me to leave her by her actions but when i leave chasing after me, then treating me like crap when im back, also more symptoms are instability in relationships, extreme mood swings, one day she will be telling me how much she loves me and wants to be with me and the next she will barely even act like she cares. unstable self image CHECK, 8-10 % die because of lack of impulse control of depression which scares me so much, she has told me she has had thoughts like that before of running her car off the road, so i am genuinely worried about her.
Island Girl Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 yea it seems like she will be going fine for months and then all of a sudden when she gets under pressure she starts going out and making stupid decisions, hanging out with all the wrong people, she is 20 hanging out with 26 year olds and people who drink and party, this is not her or her as i knew her This is an aspect of her. One she hasn't come to terms with and either will never or it will be awhile. I am sorry to have to tell you that your relationship probably will not survive no matter what you do. as far as changes in responsibilities her parents are not helping her with school and she is working full time and school full time, but it has been like this since august. it seems like its more of a priority to go out then to see me or talk to me. her heart is not in it anymore. Ok. I'll put it out there. I was this girl to an extent. In my younger years I always had a guy who was around for what I needed and wanted - when I wanted it but any thought of him or the relationship would go right out the window if I was doing something else where I was getting the same kind of attention. Going out and meeting guys who would fawn over me fed the need for attention and it was always a very real possibility that the man I had LD or wasn't new, exciting, and perfect (normal issues that any ongoing relationship would have) would be replaced at any given time as I was always on the look out for better but unable to let go of the guy who was tried and true. He would be kept around for the emotional support. the break happened because she kissed another guy and all communication had broken down, it was a situation similiar to this, she started hanging out with losers, staying out till 4am, going to work at 7am, not calling me all day until 3-4 am, then she said she couldnt taake it anymore too much stress and she still wanted to talk to me but not be in a relationship, i said no and within a week of nc she was calling me telling me it was killing her not to talk to me and maybe she wanted to be in a relationship. EEEEK. Well I would tug on the emotional crutch guy and give him sob stories just to keep him reeled in and focused on me. I would never view the relationship in any perspective or be in any way fair to the guy. I would do what I wanted. What felt good at the time (not getting intimate necessarily but I admit if I met a guy that seemed he could replace the guy who gave me emotional support but had become somewhat of a doormat in my eyes because of putting up with unfair treatment I would end up kissing him possibly) with little or no thought to the commited partner I had at the time. But if the guy finally got a back bone and seemed lie he was going to be done with me, I'd reel him back in with concentrated effort and promises. I can recall meaning what I would say AT THE TIME. Then my feeling would change and I would feel stifled by having to still invest the same emotional level so I would act out again. Yeah, I know. Really f'd up to say the least. Many a man was damaged by me and my thoughtlessness. Still. A couple of the men that stuck around and got sucked in over and over are still stuck and it is decades later with no communication. The mind games can be a hell you don't get over. I was a screwed up girl, very attractive, and very good at manipulation of men to get what I "needed" at the time. i told her i had to think about it and told her that she should come visit me this time i was sick of doing all the work, of course i gave in when i found out she wasn't going to have the money but really wanted me to come see her, i saw her and we had a great time, we have a genuine connection and can talk about anything, not to mention a great sexual bond and emotional bond (when things are right!) but as forecasted within a week or so and it usually is a definitive thing she goes right back to this unsure person who seemingly has no commitment to me, only in words. I have an illustration of how horrible these situations can get for the guy who is the fallback. But it is REALLY REALLY BAD. Just trust that I was waaaaaaaaaaay worse than this girl is or if you view it the other way, from her side, waaaaaay better at this game than she is. I guess remember the old saying: Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Keep yourself sane and safe. Don't believe the hype. and as for the ticket, i am not sure if i should do this, i was thinking about telling her basically i can get her this flight, she can stay with me for a week, otherwise it most likely will meet the end of the road, i am not going to wait 4-5 months to see someone who is hot and cold, i guess im hoping a longer 1 week visit will help us build more memories, most of our relationship was built on the phone, but her level of commitment is not as high as mine, i would see this thing through even now if things turned around despite all her issues and everything, if i really felt she was making a strong effort, As many memories as you could build, unless you are right there, it isn't going to work. And even if you were there, it is still a very real possibility the same thing would be happening. All of my relationships were the same way whether they were LD, somewhat LD, or RL. As long as they were hooked it happened. I know. I know. Terrible, horrible, awful, etc. I was messed up. I have posted on this before on a couple threads where the girls were behaving in a similar fashion. another problem is her insecurities, im pretty sure you loves this male attention, she always mentions to me when someone hits on her, she acts like it bothers her but it seems like she always has to mention other men to me, even telling me some guy said she was a great dancer and its so annoying when we guys stare at her, i just tell her things like what do you expect your a girl and an attractive girl always gets hit on, but to tell me seems like its just to make me jealous. I know this one all too well. Of course she loves male attention. It is how she is feeling wanted and also men are the only area where she can truly feel in control. Unfortunate for any man who gets involved. It won't matter who they are - they will be damaged by her if they get emotionally involved. The jealousy is just another tool to keep you "off balance". It keeps you sucked in and keeps you chasing even though she is treating you like crap. Again I would mention it in the same way - getting the chance to explain the details which is the last thing the guy needed to hear but crucial for me to plant in his head. -- yeah. yuck. i think she may have borderline personality disorder, which sounds a lot like her, impulsive, fear of abandonment, basically telling me to leave her by her actions but when i leave chasing after me, then treating me like crap when im back, also more symptoms are instability in relationships, extreme mood swings, one day she will be telling me how much she loves me and wants to be with me and the next she will barely even act like she cares. unstable self image CHECK, 8-10 % die because of lack of impulse control of depression which scares me so much, she has told me she has had thoughts like that before of running her car off the road, so i am genuinely worried about her. I was exactly this girl. And you can't help her. NOTHING you do or are willing to do will help her or protect her. If you lived there you would just get the same chasing and backing off in person (with the backing off being more intense if you can imagine THAT kind of pain, i.e. telling you terrible things to your face and then days later back peddling because she needs you again). I used the same tactics of the depression, etc. I wasn't doing it consciously but I wasn't thinking of the other person nor was I in a position where I was mentally able to. I was messed up and looking for the answers outside of myself. She is the only one who can help herself. And at her age she really isn't going to buy in to the fact that she needs to. Trust me. Please trust me on this before there is any more damage done. I am so sorry.
Author Jay34 Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 thanks Island Girl for all your responses, they are really helping! i just had a phone conversation with her, i tried to be gentle and was for the most part, basically letting her know i care about her a lot but in this current situation it seems impossible to be in a relationship, i mentioned that i feel like i can't do anything right, one day i will call her and she will act fine and later on she will be totally different, her only excuse was she is a "girl" and that its because she doesn't see a way to see me so she is stressing out. i don't think i necessarily believe that. i didn't break it off right now and then but i basically made it seem as if we can't get any plans together than we really don't have anything to work off of, that we couldnt rewind to the beggining for the first months when we never saw each other, she has really driven me away and she told me that she didn't know how not talking to me would work, she said she wouldn't know what to do, i told her but for me i couldn't deal with the anguish of knowing we weren't commited just friends and that she could possibly be telling me about guys she is dating, i think half the reason we are even together is her fear of me abandoning her. I never wanted to but i can't be in this roller coaster, it has been effecting me way too long, she started crying and hung up, she has done this before and has appologized and before it made me really mad, but now i understand it and im not even upset at all. its like i see its all manipulative. i guess im preparing to end it sometime within the next few days, maybe tomaro, even if she can visit me i am seeing it as a lost cause and it would probably just be a way to reel me in and once she left just go back to the same old cycle. so im reluctant even if she can find a way. i really hope i am doing the right thing, i feel extremely bad for abandoning this girl, but in the end she isn't as sweet as she seemed, she doesn't have a lot of care for my emotions, i should have known from how her ex was treated, i met her when she had a boyfriend so we became friends and eventually she decided she wanted to be with me, i figure this would eventually happen to me, apparently she was cheated on and it hurts her so bad yet doing it to me doesn't seem to be nearly as hurtful to her. i guess i really feel like the only reason we are together now isn't necessarily her love for me but her attachment, and i feel like i guess as she talks to me less and less the attachment will fade slowly at the expense of all my emotions. thats one route i dont want to go, im drained already while she is perfectly fine, she is still getting enough love from me and me wanting her without having to actually put effort back. the sad thing i know is the minute i stop talking her it will go back to all the same tactics, first it is i miss you babe, i love you yada yada, then it is a guilt trip, why are you so upset, why, then it goes to if you don't taalk to me i need to just move on, all within a week, then once she realizes im there again within a few days or so im chop liver treated like crap. could any of this have to do with going back home, she now moved back home where her childhood wasn't the best, made fun of for everything, never encouraged, controlling parents who would insult them if they cried or showed any emotion, i mean she once made me brownies and her mother actually said why would you do that ? its like no warmth or compassion, not a family in any sense. when she had her own place, she seemed a lot more comfortable showing her compassionate side and her caring side, rarely insulted me and was extremely consistent for months, and i know at times i was a real jerk, but i think its because she idealized me. so im kind of confiused if it has something to do with going back to a volitale house or just how she really is, i know she is a very sexual person, which is a great thing but almost to the point where some of the things were kind of out there and for the girl she portrayed herself to be way out of line, but i always thought it was a lady in the street and freak in the bed, but after everything its making me question everything about her. is it really possible in her head that she loves me but the only way she knows how is too push people away and hope they come back only to push them away again, because its something i cant deal with, and the fact is i don't see it changing, all this happened within a month of coming home.
Author Jay34 Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 i was feeling strong the past 2 days until tonight, when i talked to her and i basically made it like it would be over if she didn't see me, now I'm kind of hoping that deep down she doesn't come see me so my decision will be made for itself but another part of me wants her to come for a week, i know the best idea is to just cut her off and run and save my sanity, but deep down i love her, i let it bother me a lot more than most people do. its like i want her to come but she is going to continue to do things to hurt me, i can tell that she doesn't think of me much in her decisions, she knows me too well to not know going to a club would bother me. this is basically the last straw though, i figure i basically want to get a steady answer if she really even plans on seeing me so i pressed it and for the first time i feel like im putting myself in power not giving into her whims, i say basically find out if you can get the days off or unfortunately we are stuck in a dead end, i know we are anyway because i doubt her heart is in this, more her attachment, im just calling her bluff, i will be 100% suprised if she actually takes the days off and makes the commitment to come, if she did id actually be shocked! because she actually has to sacrifice for once, and if she decides its not worth it by her actions, not her words, i can't just care about what she says how much yada yada, to me to even give a possibility of this i need to see real sacrifices, that includes taking the time off, im providing the flight and a place to stay. but in the end after all this i think we are doomed to fail. because even after a one week visit we are back at square one! why put myself through hell! it was kind of an ultimatum put softly when i said we basically can't continue if you can't see me because how could we ever see each other, i can't be the one to always do the traveling. i know she has it tougher than me, but im doing 100% of the work when it comes to committing to doing anything, its driving me bananas, im sick of hearing idk's and maybes because this time i'm not kidding, iv been too caring of all the bs, am i going the wrong route by telling her to make sure she can get a date, its 2 weeks before i have to book the flight and start making arrangements if she does come, so i wanted her to make sure she'd get the days off. i think if she can't get them off, its just my reaffirmation that this thing wasn't supposed to work, it is a very hard realization, my feelings are going back and forth because she is confusing!
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