BikerBeagle Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 (I wrote this as 'therapy' for myself, but thought I'd post it in case it could help someone else) The Before I'm 42, she's 38. We were co-workers for about 6 years, and remained 'email pals' for 2 years after I left that company. In mid-July of this year, she emailed me and said - well, more like 'oh by the way' - that she was getting a divorce (at the time separated) from her second husband of 5 years, had actually filed it herself a month earlier. The reason for the divorce was because they had too many differing values ...she supported the family, he was unemployed for a good part of their marriage, he was fired from at least 1 job I know of for stealing, he would bring 'gifts' home that she had no idea where they came from or how he got them - and didn't ask, etc ...and, she said, she simply didn't love him anymore. It was a fairly bad situation, borderline abusive, for her. The During So, for the next several weeks, we emailed a lot about the idea of us getting together, recognizing a mutual attraction and chemistry from long ago, but she was resistant to the idea all along ...always asking for more time. Because of that resistance, we almost walked away, but 10 days after her divorce was final, we set down together in my dining room and 'talked', deciding to start a relationship. We were concerned with and discussed the possibility that this would be a rebound (which is why she wanted more time), but we dismissed it because she adamantly held that she no longer loved her ex-husband, hated him in fact, and would never be returning to him ...that their marriage had been over for her for a while now. And, so it began on day 1 ... ...and ended on week 9. =( At this point, I should mention her ex-husband again. They have a 3-yr old child together, so he hasn't completely been out of the picture this whole time. She would occasionally talk about what he was like to her and stuff he had done during their marriage, but most of our conversations concerning him surrounded his current behavior ...and mostly the fact that he uses his 'visitations' with his daughter as his 'in' back to her. He relentlessly tries to convince her that he's a changed man, tries to make her feel guilty about leaving his daughter 'fatherless'/ for 'breaking up their family', and tries to get her to give him another chance. At about the mid-point of our relationship, he called and said that he had something 'important' to talk about, but couldn't do it on the phone. This conversation apparently happened on week 7 and I don't know its exact contents, all I was told was that he said he was ok with her seeing me and he wouldn't cause trouble. Ooook, good to know ...needed to say that in person? After the breakup, she told me that there was another 'talk' on week 8 when he picked his daughter up (big surprise!) and, while I don't know its exact contents either, he 'tried' to hug her and kiss her this time, according to her, and it actually had an affect on her, sadness mostly ...but ultimately a realization that she never healed and wasn't ready for us. He was back in her head and her heart and she couldn't "serve two masters" in her heart. So, her decision was to 'cut and run'. According to her, she's told both of us to "leave her alone" so she can work on herself for a while, lead a boring life and focus on her kids, work, and herself ...and I respect that decision whole-heartedly. Her ex? She thinks he will respect her decision for space "for a while", but realizes she has to see him for her daughter's sake. The guy is a relentless manipulator, she knows this ...and, yet, admits that it is "possible" they will start dating again (and "possible" that they won't) so she's obviously thinking about it. The After I miss her like crazy, with all the pain and heartache that goes with it. I've completely accepted the situation for what it was, a rebound, although I refuse to believe it was a mistake. I would do it all again, even knowing the ending. These last weeks were ...unbelievable. For a short while, I'd like to think that I gave her the experience of what a truly happy relationship felt like. I promised her that I'd give her a reason to smile every day, and I took that vow very seriously every day we were together. I did love her, still do, and I believe she loved me. I don't regret a single minute we were together, but I do regret the numerous mistakes I (we?) made ...I regret the timing ...I regret pursuing her when this was never really what she wanted in the first place ...and most of all, I regret the loss of a good friend, a great person, and a fantastic woman from my life. This is a classic case of "what not to do", and I've accepted it, especially my part in it. I don't seriously entertain any real hope that she'll come back to me in the future ...although I did leave the door 'ajar'. If she finds that she can open that door later, even just to be friends again, I'll cross that bridge when it happens. I know I have to move on, and I will ...eventually. I just don't know when that will be. I hurt for my loss, but it's nothing compared to the guilt I'm experiencing over this whole thing. I was stupid and believed I could 'rescue' 'enable' her away from her ex ...and it backfired. I feel like I picked up a bird with a broken wing and, as I tried to nurse her back to health, I ended up breaking her other wing. At one point, I emailed her that "you gave up on me" (in a moment of anger as part of another topic), and she replied "no, I gave up on me" ...and I cried for an hour. If she backslides to her ex, I'll blame myself for all eternity. She had the strength to get away from him, then I come along, and now she's considering getting back with him ...I really feel like I failed her, wronged her, and the guilt is killing me. Now, I'm just waiting ...waiting to see if she is a stronger person than I was.
lofi_tokyo Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Don't blame yourself! You loved and cared for her and gave her a brief escape from the pain of her divorce. For that she should be thankful! As for her future decisions, they are out of your hands. At best, you should try to be there for her as help if she needs it, then you havn't failed her.
Author BikerBeagle Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Sadly, I can't "be there for her". She told me to "leave her alone" and has gone NC. I broke once, asking her if there was any chance to work through this (posted about it here), and we had a small business transaction to handle, but other than that, she seems to be quite content with the NC policy. The last thing I said to her was that I was available if she needed to talk.
Author BikerBeagle Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Well, it's been 3 weeks today ...seems like an eternity, every day is a month long. I've had good days, bad days, and really bad days. It's hard ...9 weeks doesn't sound like much ...until you throw in the 8 years of friendship before that. We have a mutual friend that she has to work with from time to time and, during a meeting last week, she passed him a note that simply said, "I lost my best friend" ...and it's true, we both did. NC is going so-so. On the Sunday of week 2, she emailed me - out of the blue - basically saying how sorry she was that she isn't in the same "emotional" place as I am (or I was when we got together), how she "evidentally" couldn't control her emotions (for her ex), how all of this is her fault, that we should have waited, how wonderful our time together was, how amazing I am, etc. That's it. She didn't ask for anything, explain anything, just ...I don't know ...guilt relief? Another 'goodbye' I didn't need? I managed to pull together a short reply that simply said, "I forgive you ...now, please, forgive yourself" and that if she ever needed to reach out to me, I'd be here for her. On our week 2 anniversary, I sent her a list of memories of us I'd written down, telling her that while I might have to stop loving her eventually, I would never forget her. Last night, a week later, she finally replied to that email ...stating she doesn't check that address anymore because it was just for us. She said that she has been thinking about me a lot (that's comforting, I suppose) and that she will never forget me either. I have no intentions of replying back. I don't believe she has gone back to her ex ...yet. It gives me hope that she really is just needing time to deal with her divorce, find out who she really is, get reconnected with herself. As long as that is the case, I'd give us a second chance if the option presented itself in 6 months, a year because I could respect the decision if she chose herself over me. For us, it was just the timing ...and I have hope that there will be another time. I realize that is just delaying my healing, but until she gives me a reason otherwise, I still trust her ...as sad as that is to say.
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