What do men want

[Lucky555]

What are good indicators of men who want a relationship? I know i can ask but I would like to know if there are behaviors or traits i should look for to cancel people out or consider them.

 

My friend keeps telling me to try online dating....She found a great guy online though! Hes really really good to her and shes already having dinner with his parents after 2 months!

 

I don't want to resort to online dating because i think shes really lucky to have found her guy but there are so many sketchy dudes out there!

 

I'm not looking to get married right now but i do want to know how to tell if there are guys who want a relationship to progress into something more. Basically i am not wanting casual dating. in the beginning its great but after awhile things have to progress.

[You'reasian]

What are good indicators of men who want a relationship? I know i can ask but I would like to know if there are behaviors or traits i should look for to cancel people out or consider them. .

 

What kind of relationship?

 

My friend keeps telling me to try online dating....She found a great guy online though! Hes really really good to her and shes already having dinner with his parents after 2 months! I don't want to resort to online dating because i think shes really lucky to have found her guy but there are so many sketchy dudes out there! .

 

I share your concern with online dating. It doesn't do much for the real, 3-dimensional you and doesn't allow for spontaneous, real interaction - things you feel or sense when you meet someone more randomly (or whether on a blind date).

 

I'm not looking to get married right now but i do want to know how to tell if there are guys who want a relationship to progress into something more. Basically i am not wanting casual dating. in the beginning its great but after awhile things have to progress.

 

Ok, it sounds like you are looking for some kind of committed relationship that could progress into something more?

 

The best way is to just ask your man what he wants and pay attention to what he says about relationships, his friends relationships etc.

 

I appreciate when a women is straight forward about things.

[carhill]

IME, you can tell a lot about a man by his friends and family. Also, by how he communicates. By how he views his commitments in other aspects of his life. By the consistency of his words and actions.

 

In other words, you must look beyond the superficial

[Lucky555]

"IME, you can tell a lot about a man by his friends and family. Also, by how he communicates. By how he views his commitments in other aspects of his life. By the consistency of his words and actions.

 

In other words, you must look beyond the superficial "

 

i have dated men who seemed to be committed to family and friends and work. However, it still didn't work because he couldn't move forward. Another guy i dated the same way....but he wasn't committed either.

 

"I share your concern with online dating. It doesn't do much for the real, 3-dimensional you and doesn't allow for spontaneous, real interaction - things you feel or sense when you meet someone more randomly (or whether on a blind date)."

 

I totally agree with this. My friend tells me to just look at guys online. Its like how can i determine! I look at them and its like how can i! It frustrates me because of the sketchy factor and the fact I'm not interacting with them "person to person"

 

"The best way is to just ask your man what he wants and pay attention to what he says about relationships, his friends relationships etc.

I appreciate when a women is straight forward about things."

 

The thing is a lot of guys get scared! I myself wouldn't consider progressing any sort of a relationship with someone if it wasn't true with how i felt.

 

The whole other aspect is meeting guys, just recently a guy was interested and asked me out via online. Well i have never met him before he found me through facebook.

 

I don't want to sound superficial but i was not attracted to his picture. I couldn't see myself with him, he even had party pics up, and just they tell me a lot about him. Hes also very demanding online. Is it too much to ask to be treated with respect. I hope he takes the hint that i am not interested. I just have a hard time saying it cuz its like rejection.

 

So just go through a cycle of men and ask them what they want then leave them if they don't want the same things? By all means i shall not get attached to anyone until i find one that wants the same things right?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

What are good indicators of men who want a relationship? I know i can ask but I would like to know if there are behaviors or traits i should look for to cancel people out or consider them.[/quote]

 

For me, I am pretty open and honest when asked. If we talk about marriage and/or children. If I am willing to cuddle with you and/or let you touch certain parts of my anatomy. If am willing to let you dress me in outfits that are pleasing to you. I am willing to let you tickle me. If we kiss a lot.

 

 

DNR

[carhill]

i have dated men who seemed to be committed to family and friends and work. However, it still didn't work because he couldn't move forward. Another guy i dated the same way....but he wasn't committed either.

 

I should have added "by the actions of his family and by the actions of those he chooses to befriend". That was what I meant rather than his commitment to either.

 

IMO, a man (or woman) who won't proceed in an intimate relationship is saying something very important. The hard part is really hearing it and accepting it. I suffered from this (the hearing part) for many years. Not fun, to be sure....

[You'reasian]

Hmmm, well I don't get scared about committing to a woman unless there are some significant differences in our core beliefs - keep in mind that timing and circumstances are always factors in deciding where the guy is in his relationship cycle.

 

How long has it been since his last relationship? And what does he think of relationships? What does he think of women - friends or more?

 

Will his career allow for alot of time to be spent with his SO? His family (if he has kids or is really close to his extended relatives)?

 

Do you share any similar goals? Interests etc.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Your pretty right there Asian...

 

I right now am hurting so much from being single, but I personally know I am not ready right now because of the fact I am unemployed. I am the kind of guy who wants to be able to provide on all levels. Time wise, emotionally, financially, etc.

 

 

DNR

[Lucky555]

" keep in mind that timing and circumstances are always factors in deciding where the guy is in his relationship cycle.

 

How long has it been since his last relationship? And what does he think of relationships? What does he think of women - friends or more?

 

Will his career allow for alot of time to be spent with his SO? His family (if he has kids or is really close to his extended relatives)?

 

Do you share any similar goals? Interests etc."

 

So men have relationship cycles? wow. i didn't know that. I never knew to ask about what they thought of women......what they thought of relationships in general.

I asked them to say "what they are looking for" and its usually at the beginning and they say "well i want to get to know you and then see if it progresses into something more"

 

So i of course agree to this because i want the same thing at that time. But then it gets a couple months or so down the road and its just the same old things and NO talk about relationship or whats going on between us.By this time i am becoming attached to the guy and its too late hes already said...well I can't commit. AHHHHHHHHH! So what do i do to get the answer before i get attached i really want to stop heartaches!

 

"I should have added "by the actions of his family and by the actions of those he chooses to befriend". That was what I meant rather than his commitment to either. "

 

The actions that his friends have? when i think about past relationships...one of my SO's friend was my brother (who is very very carefree and needs a lot of tutoring about relationships)

 

Um none of the guys i have dated have great friends..or guys that i would be interested..i always think they are losers.

 

So you can determine a guy by his friends? thats an interesting theory..maybe i should look into this.

[fral945]

My friend keeps telling me to try online dating....She found a great guy online though! Hes really really good to her and shes already having dinner with his parents after 2 months!

 

I don't want to resort to online dating because i think shes really lucky to have found her guy but there are so many sketchy dudes out there

 

Why limit your options? If your goal is to find one person, don't you think it is worth trying every avenue? I have done online dating, and although most women I meet are duds, there are the occasional good ones. I am only interested in finding one person. I want to exhaust as many possibilities as I can. Online dating is just another avenue.

 

I'm not looking to get married right now but i do want to know how to tell if there are guys who want a relationship to progress into something more. Basically i am not wanting casual dating. in the beginning its great but after awhile things have to progress.

 

1) He's willing to put you first most of the time (makes time for you)

2) He doesn't party much (or has cut back on it significantly)

3) He talks about having a family or settling down soon

 

I say these things because they describes me to some extent. Really, though, you should ask the guy where he stands (or ask friends or acquaintances about him). Don't try to mind read or assume.

[Isolde]

Honestly, I think regardless of whether a guy wants a rel or not... if he meets a girl that he falls for... he'll want a rel. Does that make sense? My mom has drilled this into me for years lol.

[joshaz]

So you can determine a guy by his friends? thats an interesting theory..maybe i should look into this.

 

Aw crap...

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Aw crap...

 

She's wrong Joshaz,

 

My two best friends told me about some pretty mean things they've done to women. But, I am have never even raised my hand to one or called her out of her name, even in anger behind her back. My father and stepfather were unfaithful to my mother, my uncle to my aunty who is my other mother, yet I have not even thought about cheating on a girlfriend. My mother smokes a lot and my aunty drinks, but yet I do neither.

 

 

DNR

[carhill]

DNR, it wasn't the OP who suggested evaluating family and friends of a man, it was me. IME, people one keeps company with says a lot about them. I'm talking specifically about relationships with other humans, not personal habits, except to the exent that they might be illegal or dangerous. For example, how do you resolve being friends with men who have done cruel things to women, if you find their actions reprehensible? To me, that is a fundamental incompatibility. The same criteria applies to family. One has no control over what blood they're born into, but there's no law of society or nature which compels them to remain with those they might detest with cause. Extreme examples would include criminal behavior, but there are less insidious examples which are equally unhealthy, such as abuse, molestation and incest, as examples.

 

I used this criteria while dating my wife as a barometer of our respective values systems. Her background was far more difficult than my own, but it was her perspective on that background and certain people that I paid attention to. In that regard, she's been a shining example of someone who rose above circumstance to better herself. None of us is perfect, nor do we come from perfect backgrounds, but it is what we do with our circumstances that defines us.

 

How does this relate to the topic? IMO, when a man of substance looks at a woman's personna, history and associations in depth, it is because he is seriously considering her as a life partner, not a superficial or short-term distraction. If the OP meets becomes acquainted with such a man, she can overwhelmingly feel assured that his intentions are indeed honorable and serious.

 

OK, back to my movie

[norajane]

I asked them to say "what they are looking for" and its usually at the beginning and they say "well i want to get to know you and then see if it progresses into something more"

 

So i of course agree to this because i want the same thing at that time. But then it gets a couple months or so down the road and its just the same old things and NO talk about relationship or whats going on between us.By this time i am becoming attached to the guy and its too late hes already said...well I can't commit. AHHHHHHHHH! So what do i do to get the answer before i get attached i really want to stop heartaches!

 

You can't always get the accurate answer if you ask. That's not so much in your control. However, it is within your control to get attached only after you get the answer and it's positive. Hold back until you know his intentions. Date other people. Live your life as you did before he came into it, and don't make his 'choice' the focus of your life. Aren't you evaluating him, too? When you see that he isn't making it clear that he is into you and into having a relationship with you, step back so you don't get attached. That's the sign.

 

When you feel yourself starting to get attached, consider whether he has made it clear that he wants a relationship with you. If he hasn't, then you know you need to step back and see him less and date other people so you don't get too attached to him. Only when he's made his intentions clear should you allow yourself to think about him all the time and see him all the time.

[Lucky555]

"You can't always get the accurate answer if you ask. That's not so much in your control. However, it is within your control to get attached only after you get the answer and it's positive. Hold back until you know his intentions. Date other people. Live your life as you did before he came into it, and don't make his 'choice' the focus of your life. Aren't you evaluating him, too? When you see that he isn't making it clear that he is into you and into having a relationship with you, step back so you don't get attached. That's the sign.

 

I have been in this situation before, he would make it clear that he "likes me" but he couldn't be clear about the relationship status. I ended it even though i liked him. To me there was not point to continue.

"When you feel yourself starting to get attached, consider whether he has made it clear that he wants a relationship with you. If he hasn't, then you know you need to step back and see him less and date other people so you don't get too attached to him. Only when he's made his intentions clear should you allow yourself to think about him all the time and see him all the time."

 

The problem that i have encountered with men...is they say "your guarded" Well of course i'm guarded what the heck, i'm going to be if your just not interested in something more and why don't they just break up if they are not intending on moving forward? Why waste time, mine and theirs? Thats why i was looking for indicators from you all. "

 

The friends aspect...so after reading everything from everyone...I guess i can study their friends a bit to see if they would be good people.

I know my brother does not hang around guys that "do bad things to women" or people that just are horrible in a criminal sense. He would just not hang out with them anymore. So basically i think looking at relationships with friends would be a good indicator of a man's values. Therefore by looking at his actions it cannot be a predictor for all guys but its a start to get on the right path. I am going to keep doing what i'm doing of course, i just need some insight to finally have a "good relationship" where the guy actually gets me flowers, calls when he say he will, actually wants to know what i'm like, and wishes me happy birthday.

 

So here is my theory don't listen to what the guy says, give him marks for his actions. (seriously i stopped believing what they say cuz i have heard a lot, "i'm buying a house" "i want kids" "i want to get married someday" "i have money in the bank haha" They just get so rilled up in trying to "get me" that it just makes me "skeptical, annoyed, angry, and disappointed"

Personally this is all way too much in the beginning and a huge turn off for me because they are clearly looking at what my future goals are and then trying to match up by lying to me to bed me. Usually i just wait it out and see what they are about. Which has come down to me being single again. I really am much happier single than being with someone whose not right for me. It really annoys me and i don't like hurting people but as i said by the time i figure things out i'm heartbroken again.

 

i will take the advise of not getting attached prior to knowing what they are about.

I will date other people and not think about being with them until they say what they are looking for after knowing me for at least 2 months.

I will take into consideration the guy's friends and this will help me determine his values.

I will not even consider dating or going out with a guy unless im attracted to him (i'm not trying to sound mean but at least he has to have qualities that i am looking for)

 

Also, right now I am hesitant to get out and date..I'm going to be just easy going with this stuff because I'm going away for a bit of time due to training. I think if I meet someone in between the time of me leaving then I will put this out front right away to be honest with them. However, me going away shouldn't stop me from getting to know people.

 

If you all have more suggestions, do let me know. I am very thankful, because this is frustrating since it seems like i have had an endless cycle of SO that are not my match. I have not been on a date for 8 months! haha. Although i'm going away in a few months, however i think you can all see that its been awhile since I've met someone new or just went on a date! I also don't want to make the mistake of going out on a date just to have company, i really do want to know them so im going to be selective with dates in the future.