arust029 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Ok..this situation is very complicated…I need a LOT of help… My father runs a big construction company in the middle east. It is in the oil rich country of Qatar, where life is VERY Americanized. Its loaded with Malls, American Restaurants (you name it, they got it), American Cafes and all. All work here is in English, and there is a tonne of Americans, British, Dutch, Canadians etc… When I went to University (in Canada; PS: We are Canadians and used to live in Canada), my dad always wanted me to be an Engineer so that I could study and work my way to go to Qatar and run his business when he retires. Now, I am engaged to a lovely Canadian girl I met in highschool in Canada. I’ve always told her my plans of going back to Qatar. She knew it, and was excited about the idea. In January 2008, my fiancée and I got married. We decided to go to Qatar and see how it goes for about 6 months and then decide whether to stay or come to Qatar later. 6 months passed, and in that time my wife and I made 2 trips to Canada. Both times she couldn’t wait to come back to our house in Qatar. We got a lovely apartment, brought our dogs from Canada, I brought her sister over for 2 months to visit and bought my wife a new car. The plan was that she would study online and look for a job in Qatar at the meantime. ]She never mentioned that she didn’t like it here, but she was visibly getting more and more depressed because I was so consumed with work that we had little time to spend together, and we didn’t do much socializing with other people. Now, I am only 24, and she is only 21. So we are a pretty young couple. Whenever we go out to socialise with people in American associations or groups, the ladies and men are usually in their 30’s and up. We never found anyone we can really relate to. So now 9 months had passed since we got here. We at this point are very well established. I had my career going on the way to taking over the company in the future years (my dad was always relying on me to achieve that) and we had bought furniture and the car I mentioned before. My wife was still without a job, and she was set to start her university online in December (2 months from now). ] One day, my wife was late for her period…we took the home test and she found out she was pregnant. We were both thrilled. We got negative results in the past, and it was getting frustrating. We were so happy about the positive result. The happiness ended after about one month.... At this point, my wife got in a fight with me over her depression here. She began to panic that she has a child on the way and that she was not going to be able to accomplish her studies. She was having a hard time with the idea of staying here to the point where she is making me choose my life and career of taking over this company or to dump the whole thing and come back to Canada with her and live a life there. So right now, because of all the fighting, we chose that she should go back to Canada to take a break from all the drama of the fights here. She says she has no problem with the country, but shes got nothing there, no family or social life. My problem is, just 2 months ago, we were in Canada and she was so eager to get back to Qatar and back home, and now, she is asking me to disappoint my father, and take off on my (but its really OUR) huge opportunity there because she doesn’t feel like she can continue here. I told her that I was sorry for not paying more attention on getting a proper social life going here with people our age, and that I would get such a social life established, but she is telling me its ‘too late now’ and that I should choose between her and my unborn baby, or my life and career here. I keep telling her that we could make it work here, but she wont give it another chance. Is it fair for her to force me to take off on my career of running this business that I promised my dad I’d come to? I would disappoint so many people…my dad has been waiting for me for so long to come here. I feel like shes using our future child to guilt me into going. She says she wont do with a solution involving her traveling in between Canada and Qatar. She wont accept a part time husband. My only choice according to her is to stay and run this business or drop it and go back to Canada and go on a job search at a time where my job type is not easy to find, and wont pay well at this time. We also have some debts that I was relying on this job to be able to pay off. I have so much relying on my current opportunity that its hard for me to let go of it. Of course, it’s a no brainer, I definitely want my wife and future child!...but I feel like taking off on my huge opportunity here is a irresponsible decision and I want her to just try harder….she claims she wont try harder because the depression she got here is making her feel suicidal. I keep insisting that if she went out there and got a job and made friends herself then she’d be fine. Whenever I mention that to her, she gets mad and ends the conversation. What should I do? How fair is it that shes doing this to me? Could this just be hormones because shes pregnant (shes 2 months through now). I feel like im losing everything and that if I lost my opportunity, I would feel resentful towards her for making us struggle so hard in Canada and put us into more debt. Please HELP…how should I handle this situation?
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 It doesn't matter if it's fair or not. It is what it is. You ran that risk when you married, and you knew it since you had a 6 month trial period established...ok, so it took her 9 months to decide she couldn't live there instead of 6. Clearly, she doesn't want to be so far from everything and everyone she knows while she's having a baby. She did not realize that before she got pregnant. Canada has lots of oil. Canada exports more oil to the United States than any other country. Surely you can find a job in the oil business there. No, maybe you won't be poised to run the company, but with some hard work and some time, perhaps you can one day, particularly if you work with your father, the embassy, and see if anything can be done to put you in a position in Canada that could combine your interests.
Author arust029 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 so its ok to give up all i've ever worked for and end up dissapointing my father who has put me through university and paid for it in full so that i can work with and take over his company...i just feel like my wife can at least find an alternative...i dont know how its ok with her to take it all away from us like that...im trying not to be selfish but at the same time i dont feel like im being selfish because i dont work for myself, i do it for the two of us and eventually for our kids...i just think shes not thinking it through enough...its too confusing
hardluckloser Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 As bitter and hating towards life and such I am right now, no its not fair, but you chose your wife in front of god and man, richer poorer and such, your father will always be there, even through disappointment, but you made the choice for whom you desired to spend the rest of your life with. I wish that commitment meant more to people. You may be able to work some sort of duel residency life....
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I'm going to go with returning to Canada, having the baby there, and watching closely how your wife responds to your making this very difficult choice in her favor. As our MC said, a mature adult relationship is not unconditional. You have your conditions and needs as well. If it appears to become a one-way street, then take a hard line. Now is not the time. You're already married, she's pregnant and you gain nothing by making her miserable (her perception) during this time. As someone said, the energy business is huge in Canada, so finding work for someone with your experience and family history will not be difficult. Your father will respect a man who is thinking of his family (that's his wife and child) first. He perhaps will not like it. Maturity will help you understand that difference. Send your wife back to Canada, wind down your affairs in Qatar, and network with your oil buddies. That's my advice, for now
sadintexas Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Maybe I missed something, but I thought he said it was a construction company. From a woman's perspective pregancy can create emotions in you that swing from one end of the pendulum to the other in nonoseconds. It's truly enough to make your head swim. My first pregnancy was laden with stress. That stress amplified the affect of my raging hormones. It was very difficult for me to say at the least. I finally had to remove myself from as much stress as possible, which resulted in me moving out of our house into an apartment for several months of the pregnancy. My second pregnancy did not have the stress and I didn't have the intense mood swings that I did in the first. Now the stress wasn't the only factor, but a largely contributing one in my opinion. My point is that yes, if she had these doubts about being in Qatar (which she probably did even though she didn't say anything because she was working them out on her own, and wasn't such a big deal at the time), and plans to make things better for her professionally and socially were distrupted by the pregnancy, then the addition of these extra hormones could be causing her to react in such an absolute way. Based on my own experience and what would have probably worked for me in this situation knowing what I know now, the best thing you can do is support her emotionally. Tell her that of course you want to be with her and your child. Tell her that you have to wrap up business in Qatar and take steps to do that. Visit her as often as you can and seriously put your resume out there in Canada for consideration. Be practical about it and don't leave everything behind without means for supporting you and her. Just don't rush it all (but don't give her the impression you aren't moving steadily towards being with them). This may be what she really wants, and if so, you will have to decide for yourself if it's what you really want. It may not be what she wants in the end, so try to give it some time and don't close any doors professionally in Qatar.
signedin2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I think her decision is very immature and selfish. How can she not be open to you improving the situation by providing more social activities for her? Can you help her get a job?
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Maybe I missed something, but I thought he said it was a construction company. Yes, you're correct. Construction company in oil-rich country of Qatar. My error. I would presume commercial/industrial construction, perhaps infrastructure or oil-industry related. IMO, this would translate even better to Canada than a pure oil industry skill set. Many more opportunities.
sadintexas Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I think her decision is very immature and selfish. I think so too, but being that she didn't express this feeling until after she was pregnant, and seemingly had a good plan in place for improving things for herself, I would be much more inclined to believe she is not that way overall. My guess is she is feeling the effects of the hormones, plus a natural instinct to be where it's most comforting to her. She's young and probably hasn't "come into herself" so much, so being close to her family of origin and what's truly familiar feels like the right thing for her. That's why I suggest working towards what she wants without actually walking away and closing the door. Give her time to get it sorted out without pressuring her. Pregnancy can be a b***h physically and emotionally. You don't do your most clear thinking in that state.
sadintexas Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 But to clarify, this may be what she really wants, so you have to think about if it is what you really want. I just don't think reacting with immediate action and termination of your activities in Qatar would be the right thing to do. But you have to decide that for yourself.
norajane Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 so its ok to give up all i've ever worked for and end up dissapointing my father who has put me through university and paid for it in full so that i can work with and take over his company...i just feel like my wife can at least find an alternative...i dont know how its ok with her to take it all away from us like that...im trying not to be selfish but at the same time i dont feel like im being selfish because i dont work for myself, i do it for the two of us and eventually for our kids...i just think shes not thinking it through enough...its too confusing You knew when you married her that she might not take to life in Qatar. Isn't that why you established a 6 month trial period? You are an engineer. There are plenty of jobs for engineers, everywhere. You aren't giving up everything you ever worked for...presumably, you worked to have her as your wife, too, and to be the mother of your children. Congratulations, you are a husband and soon will be a father. You also have an excellent education and degree. You are well on your way to success. Whether you are an engineer in Qatar or Canada, this is your life and you have to deal with it. She's very young, and pregnant. That's scary under any circumstances, without even adding being so far from ANY support system and family and everything that is familiar AND she is depressed. I don't think it's at all surprising that she would change her mind under those circumstances. Yes, you and your father had a dream. But then you married a Canadian girl and she's now pregnant and miserable. Be an adult and adjust the dream. An engineer will not starve in Canada. You will have a very good life. You just need to re-adjust your thinking about what is most important to you.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I'd say send her home to mama! Right now she's dealing with more inner issues causing her depression than the pregnancy alone. She's also dealing with the frustrations of trying to grow up in a new marriage and strange land as well. She simply wasn't mature enough to get married, let alone pregnant, and being in Qatar instead of Canada only amplifies her anxiety. I'd say stay in Qatar and plan on racking up frequent flier miles to maintain reasonable presence in her life while she deals with inner issues that have nothing to do with you or your marriage. If after the baby is born she still finds something to be depressed about then know that this is what life will be like with this girl for the forseeable future until she grows into the actualized adult she's destined to be. Marrying a girl who's only 21 years old is nuts for she's never had a chance to experience adulthood on her own long enough to know who she is and what she wants out of life. The abrupt transition from child to child-bride with a move to Qatar was too much for anyone of her age and lack of experience to deal with. Remember, you've already experienced Qatar early in life, been to college and graduated, know yourself, your goals, your needs, and your wants to the extent that you are settled in your maturity which puts you a lot farther ahead of the 8 ball then she is. The focus that you must put on your career and lack of social or support systems in place for her during the next 9 years will continually eat away at her until she develops the "seven year itch" and then you'll have a whole new set of problems to deal with. You need to speak with her about these issues for if you don't then no matter where you choose to live you will look forward to a world of hurt and heartache so mark my words on this!
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