clearscreen Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Hello, I've had a break up nearly an year ago, after a year and a half of living together with my gf. We have always enjoyed our company a lot, since for some reason we could talk for hours non stop and never be annoyed. She's a bit older than me, I'm 27 and she's 30. She decided to break up with me because of the discussions we used to have. They were really nasty at some point. The odd thing was that the break up was pretty mature, since we didn't hold any grudges after that, and talked a lot to each other since we both missed each other. After we broke up, I've been 3 months in spain, and then came back almost refreshed. She contacted me again asking me to meet her. Since I was doing OK and was managing to move on with my life, I chose to meet her to see what it was all about. Needless to say we started being friends, seeing each other all weekends and sometimes even during the week, messaging, chatting and sending mails. It quickly became too much of a friendship for me to handle. I was once again thinking about her a lot. Now I'm still thinking about her a lot, and I expressed my feelings to her. She promptly told me that it was impossible to go back together since we argued so much (I had the sensation she was saying without being totally sincere, but maybe it was just me hoping). Then she said something along the lines of "in any case do you think it's coincidence that I've been putting my life on hold for a year since we broke up?". I'm confused, I don't know what she wants. She goes out a lot and I'm realistic, I know she's having fun. I'm quite sure she is not dating anyone, since she really dedicates a lot of time to me. She came to pick me at work yesterday to go eat sushi at the park, then we spent the day together. I'm confused, is it possible that she could be lying about her not wanting to go back together? Why is it that she wants to spend so much time with me if she doesn't want to be with me? A few weeks ago I told her I needed to move on, and she purposedly kept some stuff that I needed in order for us to meet again. She also cried a lot which was ultimately what stopped me from putting it to action. She told me so. She also keeps track of who I go out with. I'm really confused, any help would be great for me. Maybe the women in this forum can help me understand her?
samspade Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 What's to understand? She's spent a year getting over you, and now is attempting to be platonic with you. You thought you were over her, but you got roped back in. Then you confessed your feelings to her (big mistake, I don't care how long you were dating) and she told you "no way." You say she goes out a lot and has fun but you are sure she's not dating anyone. What makes you so sure? Because she dedicates a lot of time to you? You're giving her unfettered attention and a huge ego boost. Of course she'll spend time with you. You've gone from boyfriend to ex-boyfriend to lap dog. On top of all that, now you're trying to move on, AGAIN, after handing her any power you had over her. So she is manipulating you by keeping your things and crying. She's toying with you, my friend. You don't need a woman to explain a woman to you. Luckily, some of the women on this forum will give it to you straight. Some will feed you b.s. about chasing her and stepping up the romance. (Some guys will too.) Life is not a John Cusack movie, and human behavior is fairly predictable. If you're "confused," it's because you refuse to admit to yourself that your ex is like everyone else and capable of exploiting your emotional state for her own ego. If she wanted to be with you, she'd be with you. It's that simple.
Geishawhelk Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I'm a woman, and SamSpade has pretty much hit it on the head. I'm afraid you need to gently pull away from this one, and tell her straight - "Look: we are either an item again, we date and call ourselves a couple - and do everything couples do, together - or we are just good friends, and you do NOT do or say anything to prevent me from seeing someone else, or manipulate me into feeling guilty for it." In essence, those are her choices. One or the other. She's riding both boats at the moment, and doesn't realise they're gonna have to drift at one point..... She can't hold onto both.
MichiganMan222 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I wouldn't even put a friendship on the table. Not in your condition. Give her Plan A - Be a real couple, or Plan Cya.
Author clearscreen Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Broke up as friend now as well. I only need to try and be OK once again. Thanks everyone.
Recommended Posts