Goldstar Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 My wife and I have three year old. We have no sex at all anymore. She won't go to counciling with me and we fight when I tell her I am unhappy with no sex. She says ever time I bring it up it pushes her further away. I have asked her if she is having an affair and she says no. I think we are more like roomates now. Last week I told her I don't feel respected and I don't want to have an affair, but I feel it's a real problem for us. She tells me she doesn't have an answer and maybe she should just leave. I am sad at this, I call my parents and tell her it looks like my marriage is over. When I come home from work later and things are back to normal??? I ask her what she decided and she says not decided anything. I tell her "I thought you were leaving" she says she never said that. So we are back to square one. Okay so now what do I do. I need help here because she doesn't want to talk to me about this anymore. If I talk to her, it just pushes her away.
shesaidyes Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I, I, I....this post is all about you. I have a feeling that your interaction with her is the same. Do you help her around the house and with the Baby? While a lack of sex is definitely a huge problem, it is often the symptom of another underlying larger problem. With a three year old she has a lot on her plate, she needs your help and emotional support in addition to your bedroom demands. I could be interpreting this wrong, but as a wife when I read your post it seems as though you are coming off as very self centered. I wonder if this is what you are intentionally or unintentionally conveying to her? A book that revolutionized mine and my husbands marriage was "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It talks about how men have an intense desire and need for unconditional respect, and woman have the same need and desire for love. I would encourage you to do some research, study your wife. It is going to take some work on your part, but show her unconditional love, support her in whichever way you know she likes it, gift giving, acts of service around the house, affirming her through your words, physical touch that is not related to sex, quality time...get a babysitter and take her out. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but like I said lack of sex probably is not the only issue here... Good luck!
shesaidyes Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I am sad at this, I call my parents and tell her it looks like my marriage is over. Why call your parents? You are an adult, don't bring them into the situation.
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Well, duh, they're his family. Do you think women are the only ones with rights to communicate with their families about painful subjects? :thumbs down: Adding, this would be a perfect addition to the "marriage contract" thread. Here's a guy at the beginning of the "process".
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Have you tried asking her what she would like you to be doing for her, or together? Maybe a little more romance? A regular babysitter so you two can go out on dates? A weekend away from the toddler so you two can relax and reconnect? Do you compliment her, make her feel special? Or are you only talking about the lack of sex and not asking yourself or her whether you might need to court her and make her feel sexy? For many women, sex starts in the mind and in the heart. Meaning, how you treat her outside the bedroom makes a huge difference in whether she will feel good about the relationship and you, good enough to want to have sex. There are often problems in a marriage and men don't notice them until it affects their sex life. Dig deeper and look at how your relationship is, sex aside. If it's bad, there's not going to be any nookie no matter how many times you talk to her about sex.
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 She won't go to counciling with me and we fight when I tell her I am unhappy with no sex. She says ever time I bring it up it pushes her further away. OK, we have an uncooperative spouse here. We have a man who desires MC. Does no one see the irony here? Normally I fall squarely on the side of a woman's perspective in such matters but here's a case of a man requesting MC and trying to be communicative. Of course he's going to communicate his perspective here, just like his wife would (and I daresay every woman who posts here does). He's not being selfish. He wants to improve his marriage and his sex life. As a disclaimer, I get all the sex I want. Our issues are outside the bedroom, not in it (for me). So, I'm not supporting him because I'm literally walking his path. His wife is an adult too. Popping out a kid three years ago didn't alter that
shesaidyes Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 You don't want your parents to be in the middle of things that are supposed to be between a husband and a wife. Women shouldn't do it either, it's very unhealthy.
Geishawhelk Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I think, if you can tackle the subject sensitively, you might like to consider that she has a hormonal imbalance. It couyld even be Post-natal depression, and yes, it can strike anything up to 5 years after the baby arrives. Google 'lack of Libido in women' - it's very, very VERY common. Far more than you think. No way is this an isolated case..... Remember though, that this must be very distressing for her, too, and she not only doesn't feel like having sex, she's having to carry the guilt of not being able to give you what you want. And why should she, if she really doesn't feel up to it? Last week I told her I don't feel respected and I don't want to have an affair.... THis is horrendously cruel. How about respecting her and trying to understand from her point of view? The implication here is that you don't want to have an affair, but pushed, you will. How would you feel if she said this to you? I think you would also do well to investigate how sometimes, women are so beset by hormonal problems, you just wouldn't believe how tough some things can be! And don't - on a final word - speak to your parents about this. It's none of their business until it's a dead certainty. How dare you be so thoughtless as to take this outside of your home without really finalising this between you as a definite JOINT decision? It's not all on her side, is it?
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Yes, it is unhealthy, but women do it all the time. Sisters, mothers, girlfriends. Just who really knows all a man's marital business? I call it supportive triangulation. The person gains support for their perspective from people who care more about them than their spouse. It's a natural human instinct. Men tend to suffer in silence or tell a trusted male best friend. This man is perhaps an anomaly, but his desire for MC and communication style is anomalous as well, compared to the male stereotype. He may come from a close-knit family. He may be a mama's boy. IDK. The key thing here is that he's frustrated and taking affirmative action to communicate his feelings. Absolutely, he can help out more; make his wife feel more attractive, etc, etc. I think every man, including myself, can always aspire to this. However, the issue I see here is lack of engagement by his wife. It's hard to move forward with a partner who won't engage. I know this only too well.
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 OK, we have an uncooperative spouse here. We have a man who desires MC. Does no one see the irony here? Normally I fall squarely on the side of a woman's perspective in such matters but here's a case of a man requesting MC and trying to be communicative. Of course he's going to communicate his perspective here, just like his wife would (and I daresay every woman who posts here does). He's not being selfish. He wants to improve his marriage and his sex life. If someone wanted me to go to MC because he wasn't getting sex, I don't know that I'd want to go either. I wouldn't want to go because it wouldn't seem to me that he's open to listening, more that he sees MC as another way to hammer me for not having sex with him. If he said our marriage is in trouble and it's clear that we are both unhappy and could use professional assistance to communicate our issues and needs, I would be open to it. I think we need more info. There's only no sex no sex no sex in his post. What is the rest of their relationship like?
shesaidyes Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 And don't - on a final word - speak to your parents about this. It's none of their business until it's a dead certainty. How dare you be so thoughtless as to take this outside of your home without really finalising this between you as a definite JOINT decision? It's not all on her side, is it? Hit the nail on the head. Carhill, this was the point that I was attempting to get at.
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I'll tell you something. I've got a mother who sits in a dingy room and talks to the walls. I had to watch that happen. She's my "family". You have no effing idea what it's like. Trust me. My wife OTOH, has her family and friends and they support her. If this guy is hurting and needs family to talk to, I'm for it. You ain't gonna change my perspective, trust me... Listen, he wants to go to MC. I really don't care why. His wife doesn't want to go. If she was engaged and wanted to be in the M, she'd want to go, even if the symptom of the problem was "no sex". BTW, that's why my wife wanted MC. She wasn't getting any. I was happy to go. It helped me.
shesaidyes Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Not trying to change your mind. Sounds like you've been through a lot but you're making it and that's good.
Author Goldstar Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Thank you for the wonderful posts. SheSaidYes I will get the book. I am a woman btw.
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Here's the "contract of marriage" thread. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=168742 OP, please read this thread before ever mentioning the word "affair" to your wife again. I will agree with the women here that this is NOT language you should be using to effect any positive changes in your M. Adding, thank you OP for sharing your gender. The dynamic remains.
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Thank you for the wonderful posts. SheSaidYes I will get the book. I am a woman btw. A woman? I'm sorry for making assumptions. I don't know if female-female dynamics are same as male-female in a marriage. There could be other things at play...has she always been gay, or is this her first lesbian relationship? Have you always been the aggressor as far as sex goes, or was she also the aggressor before the baby?
Federica Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Thank you for the wonderful posts. SheSaidYes I will get the book. I am a woman btw. It Would have put things in a slightly altered perspective if you had mentioned this in your first post. So the child biologically is not yours. How did she conceive this child? Was it through IVF or did she actually have sex with a man? In any case, the advice on researching a lack of libido in women is a sound one. And all the more poignant, because if YOU have never had a child, then perhaps you have not experienced the great flux in hormones she has.....
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 http://www.womenshealth.gov/faq/depression-pregnancy.cfm OP, do any of the symptoms contained within this link pertain to your past/present dynamic?
Author Goldstar Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 I know it appears to all concerned that I was cruel in mentioning the possiblity of an affair. In all honesty it was a cry for help from me to her. It's like she doesn't listen to me and I was trying so hard to get her attention and say "oh sh)) I think we have a problem and I better help you". I told her as much. Not her first relationship with a woman, not post-partum depression. I think I need IC if the MC is not an option.
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 As a reference, IC is for you and I would only suggest it if you want to work on yourself irrespective of your M. The process will not be M-centric. If you do enter IC as a last resort, I'd suggest getting legal advice on your co-parenting obligations and rights. In your situation, this can be very complex. Being fully informed in all aspects, both psychological and legal, is healthy IMO.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 It could be a case of lesbian bed death - very common. Try a Google search on it - there are ways to try to respark your sex life. It may happen for you, it may not - but at least you can give it a shot.
Lizzie60 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I haven't read the thread.. so maybe this was brought up. Have you asked her if she's OK with YOU having an A... maybe she is.. she might be totally frigid and she just can live without sex. Good luck with that.. my friend.. I don't think she'll change.. unless you're ready to live a sexless marriage.. I say.. divorce or have an affair... simple as that. This is soooo common..
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Lizzie, the OP is a woman in a lesbian marriage. Does that have any bearing on your resultant opinion? I personally don't see any differences from hetero, except maybe legal complications of divorce/breakup with a child involved.
You'reasian Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 What can you do, going forward to make this woman happy?
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