stampdaddy Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Well, I guess just a little more "progress" in the healing department... 3 years ago exactly, I was sharing yet another one of those things about me that NO ONE else knows with her. When I was a kid, EVERY Christmas or Birthday I wanted a Tonka Truck (you know, the big metal dump truck), and I never got one. I don't know why, as I always got cool stuff, or things I wanted, but the Tonka Truck was the one thing that I really wanted and never got. Even as a young adult, I would have dreams about the truck.. November 2005, as is marked, she had a bright big Tonka Truck with a red bow on it when I came home. She wrapped herself around me and promised me to always try her hardest to give me what I wanted or needed, and that meant her and her heart... She UNDERSTOOD what that meant, what it really meant. There could have been no single other object on this planet that could have had more meaning than that truck. And she knew it... The truck is now in the middle of the street, waiting to get run over by a car, or maybe a real dump truck... NOTHING means anything anymore... Not a single letter or card, no Willow Tree statues of a couple holding each other title "Forever", no rings, no promises and no damned Tonka Trucks....
Geishawhelk Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 "Real tough toys, for real tough boys.....TONKA!!"...... be careful. Either someone will stop and pick it up, or it will cause an accident by people swerving to avoid it - because they'll come off worse......
Art_Critic Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Welcome to the reality that you are moving on The whole thing with the Tonka truck is just you giving her too much power over you.. The truck was an issue between you and your parents and she decided to be your Mommy and buy you a truck.. Personally I would have felt like a child if an GF had done something like that to/for me.. As an adult if you wanted a Tonka truck you should have just went to the toy store and bought one... There are toys that I was never given as a child and of course as soon as I could afford them I went and bought them for myself ( RC toys ) I also did model rocketry as a 20 something because I wasn't allowed as a child to do them.. Good for you for moving on.. but don't give her any power over you. It is just a Tonka truck and if you are confusing your childhood feelings dealing with your parents with love feelings from your lover then you might want to look into that .. this is of course just my opinion.. you are free to disregard it if it doesn't hit home
JamesM Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 The Tonka truck was symbolic...more so to you than her. She used it as a way to show you her ever lasting affection...as she meant it at the time. You felt that it was an expression of her love for you always. She wanted the feel good moment. You wanted her love. This one would be a tough one to let go of. That moment for you was very important...yet now it has been trashed as very simplistic by her.
Author stampdaddy Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Welcome to the reality that you are moving on The whole thing with the Tonka truck is just you giving her too much power over you.. The truck was an issue between you and your parents and she decided to be your Mommy and buy you a truck.. Personally I would have felt like a child if an GF had done something like that to/for me.. As an adult if you wanted a Tonka truck you should have just went to the toy store and bought one... There are toys that I was never given as a child and of course as soon as I could afford them I went and bought them for myself ( RC toys ) I also did model rocketry as a 20 something because I wasn't allowed as a child to do them.. Good for you for moving on.. but don't give her any power over you. It is just a Tonka truck and if you are confusing your childhood feelings dealing with your parents with love feelings from your lover then you might want to look into that .. this is of course just my opinion.. you are free to disregard it if it doesn't hit home AC, it's not that deep.. I never resented my parents for it or anything, I just didnt get the truck. Instead, I got the cool electronic football game that was VERY hard to find one Christmas, or a bike or an Atari.. It was a SYMBOL that she wanted give me.. She was saying that SHE wanted to fulfill my dreams. It was a symbol of forever, both before and after that particular day. It's not like I ran out into the yard and played with the truck. It was put in my office as a reminder of just how much she wanted to make me happy. It was her way of promising me a life with her.. It meant ALOT!! But, obviously, like everything else, did'nt REALLY mean anything... Thanks though AC:)
Author stampdaddy Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 The Tonka truck was symbolic...more so to you than her. She used it as a way to show you her ever lasting affection...as she meant it at the time. You felt that it was an expression of her love for you always. She wanted the feel good moment. You wanted her love. This one would be a tough one to let go of. That moment for you was very important...yet now it has been trashed as very simplistic by her. wow, we were typing the same thing at the same time.. thanks for seeing it that way. It is a VERY hard thing to do.. last night, the Trick-or-Treaters were playing with it, some older boys were skate boarding on it.. BUT, what is it good for now??
Dominique Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Shemp-puffy, Aw, hell, already. Just call her up and say, "Baby, let's get married. Your marriage is over, your future is me, and I've got the tickets to Vegas all set". DOM
Author stampdaddy Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Shemp-puffy, Aw, hell, already. Just call her up and say, "Baby, let's get married. Your marriage is over, your future is me, and I've got the tickets to Vegas all set". DOM no thank you
Dominique Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Then stop talking about her already. You are not healing. DOM
underpants Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 How about wrapping that Tonka Truck up and giving it to a kid that might really appreciate it? Just a thought.
Author stampdaddy Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 How about wrapping that Tonka Truck up and giving it to a kid that might really appreciate it? Just a thought. and a VERY good one at that... I have already "salvaged" the truck from the street, no damage done, and will seek out a child and put a REAL smile both of our faces.. I know the truck is silly, but again, there was not a single item in this world that could have been more symbolic to me, and like many other things, something that I can never have back because she stole it.... Thanks all for listening...
Lookingforward Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Glad you did that Stamp...you'll make some child very happy. I do understand the symbolism though - at least you didn't take it out back and attack it with a sledhehammer
JamesM Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 BUT, what is it good for now?? Truthfully, it is as reminder of a love lost and it is a reminder to YOU to give your heart to someone who has her heart to give to you. While I understand why you would give it away, it could also sit in front of you as a way to remind you of who she really is. I guess I would give it away, too. Now every Tonka truck will be a reminder unless you can replace her betrayal with a new memory. And screw those who say shut up about her....talking is the best way to get rid of her. Bottling it up will not help you heal. Some may heal better by stopping the talk, but others need to talk it out over and over again and again. And that is what we are here for.
81West Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 When it became clear that I'd been abandoned by my MM I threw out most of the material and virtual things we had shared - the things that had deep emotional significance and meaning. I kept some of the other gifts - CDs, movies, books, clothing, this and that. The things I threw out I threw out because they had become symbols of deep loss and profound grief stripped of all of the love and faith and trust they had represented at the time. Now, I wish I had them back. Not to swoon over, not to keep me anchored to an ever receeding past, but because they were a part of my life. A hugely important part of my life that I now wish was sealed up in a box in my basement and not in a landfill some where. Getting rid of the truck at this stage is premature Stamp. Deal with the feelings, not the truck. It was a beautiful gesture by someone you loved and who loved you back on a day in the past when you thought it would all might work out differently. In future years you might want to put your hands on that cool metal and remember all these things. As an aside, I always wanted an Easybake oven when I was a child. Got loads of other cool stuff, but never an Easybake oven. It's something I've actually grown to appreciate as an adult, though I can't quite articulate why.
Author stampdaddy Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 When it became clear that I'd been abandoned by my MM I threw out most of the material and virtual things we had shared - the things that had deep emotional significance and meaning. I kept some of the other gifts - CDs, movies, books, clothing, this and that. The things I threw out I threw out because they had become symbols of deep loss and profound grief stripped of all of the love and faith and trust they had represented at the time. Now, I wish I had them back. Not to swoon over, not to keep me anchored to an ever receeding past, but because they were a part of my life. A hugely important part of my life that I now wish was sealed up in a box in my basement and not in a landfill some where. Getting rid of the truck at this stage is premature Stamp. Deal with the feelings, not the truck. It was a beautiful gesture by someone you loved and who loved you back on a day in the past when you thought it would all might work out differently. In future years you might want to put your hands on that cool metal and remember all these things. As an aside, I always wanted an Easybake oven when I was a child. Got loads of other cool stuff, but never an Easybake oven. It's something I've actually grown to appreciate as an adult, though I can't quite articulate why. Thank you.... I am not sure what to do.. Just a matter of trying to dismantle in the moment.. I am sure that she meant it, and I am sure she longed to do something like that as much as I wanted to receive it... Peolple like to "love" as much as people like to "be loved".. I will wait.
LakesideDream Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Stampdufus... Come on man! You really handled the business badly didn't you. Why would something that made you smiled turn into an evil icon? At the least it was a thoughtful love offering, at most? Who knows. To cast it away like so much trash, even to the point of trying to murder it.. is way to childish. You crave drama Stamp, you live for it. You create it where it doesen't exist. Stop it! There is no earthly need to keep finding ways to remind yourself, hurt yourself, make yourself sad. The world, and your situation will see to all that for you. Get busy Stampdufus, start something that will take up some of your time, and burn some of that energy you are using to hurt yourself. I know what I'm talking about Stamp... it helps, it really does.
You'reasian Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 and a VERY good one at that... I have already "salvaged" the truck from the street, no damage done, and will seek out a child and put a REAL smile both of our faces.. I know the truck is silly, but again, there was not a single item in this world that could have been more symbolic to me, and like many other things, something that I can never have back because she stole it.... Thanks all for listening... lol. you seeking drama?
Author stampdaddy Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 lol. you seeking drama? I was sharing something that was REAL to me.. but FU
Lookingforward Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 And screw those who say shut up about her....talking is the best way to get rid of her. Bottling it up will not help you heal. Some may heal better by stopping the talk, but others need to talk it out over and over again and again. And that is what we are here for. Agreed james........sometimes you need to talk about them until YOU start being tired of hearing it yourself lol
underpants Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Now every Tonka truck will be a reminder unless you can replace her betrayal with a new memory. This is close to my thoughts when I posted. Taking an object that serves as a momento of something bittersweet and recycling it into something that formulates, for you and another, a memory of something joyful. How cool would it have been when you were that kid wanting a Tonka to have a perfect stranger gave you one? Or to find one in a public playground sandbox someplace? In doing so you forgive your own past and bring unexpected joy to another. You associate a new memory with an object. I like it.
HeatherK08 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I've been following your story for a while now, this posts speaks to me because it is the same feeling I feel every time I speak to my SM, that he SEES me and HEARS me and understand what it all means and how to help me. And wow, is that powerful. But I started to think about, what if we weren't together? He's separated and we're together now, but what if, for whatever reason, he decides to go back to his W? I think I would have to take with me the reality that there are people out there who DO see me and hear me and know what I'm about. In fact, an old acquaintance of mine from high school recently proclaimed his love for me after I told him as a matter of factly, that I had had a crush on him in high school. He proceeded to tell me all about myself and I was stunned that someone else other than my SM could do that! I had to turn him down, poor thing, but it gave me a sense of peace to know that it is possible to have relationships that are fulfilling that way. I hope you're able to give someone else a chance and take away from this the knowledge of a higher love and that may be the only thing she could/can give you.
CastingPearls Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 There does seem to be something about certain items (mainly gifts, I think) that trigger really strong memories and emotions. It brings back the feelings from that time, and you can't help but relive how happy you felt then, compared with where you are now. When my marriage fell apart, I was so angry I took my husbands wedding band and duct-taped it upright in the driveway, and drove over it again and again, like a madwoman. HA! THAT for YOU! Then I sat and cried over it. I planned to give it to him like that but I was too embarrassed and he never asked for it. You are right, nothing is forever, no matter what's been promised.
Author stampdaddy Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 I saved the truck, now in my garage, and I realized that she DID love me "in the MOMENT".. so what does that mean? there are always "moments" in affairs, in dating relationships and even MARRIAGE relationships.. things change. some things don't mean the same, I guess.. I know BS is feeling the same, so why should I whine about a stupid fuc*ing truck...? cause I cared, that's why.. drama or not
marriedandsad Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 Evilme would have put everything she ever gave you in the tonka and in a box and mailed it to her husband. Wouldn't it be a hoot to watch him ask her what the hell all that was (include any letters). But that is so unconstructive. I am so proud of you And if it's like the tonka my son has, WOO HOOO!!!!!! That is going to make a fun SPLAT when it flattens! (((hugs)))
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