livinginlimbo Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I am having many doubts today about the path I am on. Living with my MM for 2 months, been together for over a year, he left his wife, I left my SO. Things are wonderful and terrible all at the same time. We hardly get to see each other (due to our schedules & his visitation with his son), but when we do it's still magical, even after a year. I thought I was pretty happy and willing to go along with all the sacrifices, but two days ago my SO contacted me. We haven't spoken for 2 1/2 months, and I didn't even know where he was. So why was I so excited to hear from him, why did I look forward to the next email I was going to get from him? He is doing great, got a new job in a new state, sent me pictures of how beautiful it it, he's basically living his dream right now. And he still thinks of us getting back together, even after I left him twice. Said to me "if you ever want a new life up here, call me", and that was shocking and I can't stop thinking about it. What I had with him was 14 years of companionship (we never married), which started out so passionate, then turned into the exact opposite, where I didn't look forward to him touching me anymore. What I have with MM is very intense attraction, plus love and respect and good communication, and just really enjoying each other's company no matter what we're doing. But our circumstances are awful, he's broke, we have little time together, he's still going to be legally married for about 2 more years to provide his W with health insurance until she can work full time (when their child goes to school). So, I find myself wondering what the heck I got myself into. Here's my ex, very successful and living in the dream place that we always talked about moving to, who still loves me and wants me, but who I really love more as a friend than a husband. Then there's my MM, who I love beyond anything I have ever felt before, and who treats me like gold, but has basically nothing, and oh yeah, has a wife for two more years. I'm not 20 years old, I'm thinking about my future, and I'm worried that MM will never get it together, but my ex already has. I'm almost 40, am I too old to be pinning my hopes on the idea that "someday things will get better", as MM constantly reassures me? Am I crazy not to take my ex up on his offer, knowing we do like being with each other, but that the passion will never be there again? Help!
me4u2 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Wow, that is a difficult situation you're in. I'm sure you'll hear from BTDT folks, but not having been through something like that, it sounds like you need to list out what you prioritize in a relationship. It was suggested to me to take the Emotional Needs Questionnaire from the Marriage Builders site. It was an eye opener for me personally and I think you will benefit from it greatly especially at this point in your decision. If I remember correctly, there are 10 needs and your top 5 are what matters. Financial Support is one of the needs. I do believe no matter which way you choose, you'll be questioning your decision for awhile.
GreenEyedLady Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I think you should look at yourself. Why is it that you would betray a companion of 14 years and leave him for another and just when he's moving on in life, you suddenly want to get involved again. At the same time you are living with another man you say things are great with. As for your current situation, you're feeling like you are getting no attention and so you seek outside the R, again. I don't think it's a point of you choosing between two men but a point of you deciding to stop being selfish. Leave your X alone. Haven't you done enough to him at this point? You need to look in yourself and stop the pattern before you'll be a good partner to anyone. Your X deserves someone who will love him, not betray him and won't just go find someone else when they feel the "passion" is gone. And you say you know the passion will never return. Then let him go find it with someone else. On that note, he might have contacted you just to rub it in that he's moved on with his life and you're not a part of it. He might not be open to getting back together with you anyways. Just because you feel like getting back together with him doesn't mean he feels the same. Your post is completely self-centered and selfish and talks of YOU, YOU, YOU. I hope the men in your life wake up and realize that they are being used.
Author livinginlimbo Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Well, GEL, you make some valid points. But just to clarify, my ex sought me out, I did not try to contact him because we had agreed not to and I honored that. I just kinda saw his email as a wake-up call, a call to assess what my life is right now and if it's what I want. Yes, MM is good to me, but he freely admits he has a history of "making big changes" in his life, including the people in it. He said he doesn't think this will happen with us because he has settled down as he got older and has a different perspective. Still, that scares me, I can't help being a bit leery. Actually, I'm terrified. Is this what they mean by "getting cold feet"? I am already feeling a little insecure, and here comes my ex offering up a ready made new life to run to. Why he would do this after all the pain I've cause it beyond me, but he says it's because he believes in what we had and that we can have it again, if I truly decide to try. I guess what worries me is, what if I do try and find out it really doesn't work? I can't bear the thought of hurting him a 3rd time. I guess you're right, really. I should just leave him alone and deal with what I've got now. Thank you.
Mino Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I think you should look at yourself. Why is it that you would betray a companion of 14 years and leave him for another and just when he's moving on in life, you suddenly want to get involved again. At the same time you are living with another man you say things are great with. As for your current situation, you're feeling like you are getting no attention and so you seek outside the R, again. I don't think it's a point of you choosing between two men but a point of you deciding to stop being selfish. Leave your X alone. Haven't you done enough to him at this point? You need to look in yourself and stop the pattern before you'll be a good partner to anyone. Your X deserves someone who will love him, not betray him and won't just go find someone else when they feel the "passion" is gone. And you say you know the passion will never return. Then let him go find it with someone else. On that note, he might have contacted you just to rub it in that he's moved on with his life and you're not a part of it. He might not be open to getting back together with you anyways. Just because you feel like getting back together with him doesn't mean he feels the same. Your post is completely self-centered and selfish and talks of YOU, YOU, YOU. I hope the men in your life wake up and realize that they are being used. I agree Gel... great post. She is looking over to the other side of the fence again and thinking the grass is greener. She is hurt or feels she is missing out on her H success and living his dream. To the poster, I recommend you take your life in your own hands, success is up to you. You should not expect others to make you happy, you need to do that for yourself. On the finanical end... you could make the same amount of money if you set your mind to it.You say you followed your heart. Thats the way life should be.. always following your heart. Imagine if you went back, sure you may have an easier life, but no passion only friendship. The material things in life you can achive on your own. You should not be looking at any man to provide them to you. Be happy in your heart you followed your love... that is worth more then all the money in the world. You did the right thing by letting your H go. Be happy for him that he is moving on, and pray for him to find the love that he deserves...Dont be envious, Jealous, or regret. If you want more in your life, make it happen with your sweat, youll appriciate it so much more, trust me:)
Mino Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Well, GEL, you make some valid points. But just to clarify, my ex sought me out, I did not try to contact him because we had agreed not to and I honored that. I just kinda saw his email as a wake-up call, a call to assess what my life is right now and if it's what I want. Yes, MM is good to me, but he freely admits he has a history of "making big changes" in his life, including the people in it. He said he doesn't think this will happen with us because he has settled down as he got older and has a different perspective. Still, that scares me, I can't help being a bit leery. Actually, I'm terrified. Is this what they mean by "getting cold feet"? I am already feeling a little insecure, and here comes my ex offering up a ready made new life to run to. Why he would do this after all the pain I've cause it beyond me, but he says it's because he believes in what we had and that we can have it again, if I truly decide to try. I guess what worries me is, what if I do try and find out it really doesn't work? I can't bear the thought of hurting him a 3rd time. I guess you're right, really. I should just leave him alone and deal with what I've got now. Thank you. Your ex is still greiving and he is trying to heal. Sometimes during this grieving process, we wish we could go back, we actually believe we are in love again with the ex. Its the mind playing tricks in a way. You split for a reason. Remember that. Allow you Ex to heal. No contact is best. The bottom line is you also knew your mm and all the baggage he carries. You chose to accept all this. You own it now. There is no gaurentee in life for anything. Hopefully you will nuture this R so you two will grow together. Like anything eles, if you neglect it, it will fall apart. We do not own people... not even when you Married... so take care of this R (everyday) and dont take it for granted...
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