WHY does he do that???? My live-in boyfriend of 2 years looks at pornography

[Ambivalance]

My live-in boyfriend of 2 years looks at pornography and IT BOTHERS ME!!! Actually, not only does it sicken me, but it hones in on all of my insecurities. I've told him it bothers me, and he just replied it's something that "guys do" and I "shouldn't feel threatened". Whatever. His woman of choice is a big chested red head, which I am NOT, so when he goes porn-hunting online, what am I supposed to think???

 

What do I do????????????????????

 

Ambivalance

[moimeme]

he just replied it's something that "guys do" and I "shouldn't feel threatened"

.

 

Not only guys and it's true.

 

Whatever. His woman of choice is a big chested red head, which I am NOT, so when he goes porn-hunting online, what am I supposed to think???

 

That he is turned on by big-chested redheads and by you but he prefers to live with you. People don't only get aroused by one person, one type of look, etc. Arousal is dictated by a lot of things but it's biological. Your relationship is biological AND emotional which is why you are the winner no matter how many photos of busty redheads he looks at.

[Stone]

Men are prone to like porn more than weman. but it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Men are verry visual as chicks are emotional would he get mad at you for watching a chick flick...... I didn't think so. Men like Boobs and naked chicks if he didn't ,you would really have something to worry about.

[sunnie23]

big chested redhead=dirty skank with whom he can fantasize about doing nasty, dirty sexual things with because he has too much respect for you to even consider it.

 

you-the closest person to him, the woman who may someday bear his children, his sweet, lovely girlfriend.

[Nostalghia]

What a bunch of BS ... I love my new girlfriend and I also do dirty skanky things with her as well so this separating feelings crap is just that - CRAP. It truly is a lame excuse ... the way I see it, dump his sorry ass. Go find a man who still respect the woman he boinks on a daily basis and have no real need to view porn on a regimented basis. I'm tired of these excuses ... I paid the price, now it's time all you men pay for your vices as well.

[justagirl]

i think it's definately a question of how much and how often does he look at or look for porn? If it's everyday, or even everyother day he needs not only a job, but a better hobby. Occasional watching is one thing, personally it's something my b/f and i enjoy together.

 

if he's putting off spending time w/ you b/c hes too busy with the red head thats a problem.

[jenny]

ok - even if in a relationship, people are seperate entities with seperate sexualities. i actually don't quite understand what the problem is with one's man looking at porn - it seems like such a control issue to me.

 

here is my advice:

 

find some porn you like. look at it. own your own sexuality.

 

when you feel insecure, understand that you can be a subject as well as an object of sexuality. as in "*i* like men who start by aggressively kissing" rather than "why doesn't he like *me* as much as that other object - the chesty redhead?"

 

if nothing else, this helps you regain some sexual power, because trying to control what a man thinks about, as manifested by his porn collection, is very, very, disempowering and probably very frustrating.

 

xoxo, j

[moimeme]

Good answer! It's true. So many women spend so much time worrying about what their men are thinking and looking at rather than what they themselves want.

 

People are insecure so they try to control the other's behaviour. It'll never work. You can only work on you, your thoughts, your feelings, your insecurities and that's where you need to focus your efforts.

 

Please, whomever's doing the FAQ or ANCIENT WISDOM or whatever that section will be, add Jenny's answer to this extremely frequent question because it's a great one.

[jenny]

thanks sweety; god; all of your posts belong in such a category.

[EnigmaXOXO]

LOL....

 

Red Hot Lava Mamas was one of the two porn tapes my partner brought with him when he moved in! I suppose they got a lot of use when he was hanging out at the old bachelor pad, but he never popped them into the VCR during the three years we've been together.

 

He eventually threw them out, and I never even had to ask. Never bothered me one bit...I just started laughing hysterically when he read me the title.

 

I guess I'm just lucky that I found a guy who doesn't waste his time and money caught up in silly fantasies...I THINK!

[km82794]

Unless this big boobed, red head is one of your neighbors, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

 

My man's eyes are glued to the t.v. every time Britney Spears struts her butt across the screen, but it's not like Britney is going to drop what she's doing and come to Ohio to take my man from me. If she does, I better atleast get a new car out of it.

 

I wouldn't worry about it, most men look at that kind of stuff. They KNOW they will never have "that", but as my man says, It's nice to dream.

 

Worry when he stops looking at it.

[abs123]

He's looking at porn because you're not satisfying all of his sexual needs. Even if you satisfy some, he will go to porn for the rest.

[abs123]

Its not a bad idea for you to get your own porn either.