jurney Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 My wife and I are both 44 we have two kids. I want to have a vasectomy she doesn't want me to have one. She says I was born with being able to have kids and I should stay that way. She has also brought up the religion factor. How ever neither one of us is very religious. We don't go to church but we do give are kids a religious background. I go for a consultation in a couple of weeks. I will see if me wife will come with me. I hope she does. Any insite on why she may not want me to have one?
Geishawhelk Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Would she ever consider sterilisation? If she insists you don't have a vasectomy, then she'll either have to take action herself, or take hormonal tablets. Which are unnatural and chemical. Does she feel it's preferable to keep taking synthetic chemicals and hormones extracted from mare's urine, rather than let you do something that would be permanent and have no side-effects? I'm at a loss as to know exactly why your wife is feeling this way. But I feel it's as illogical as you do.
amaysngrace Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Can having a vasectomy put you at greater risk of developing health problems? Or make it more difficult to maintain an erection? I don't understand what she's thinking. Could she think it'll be your free ticket to cheat?
blkqwn7 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Wow, I would be curious to know also why she doesn't want you to have one. You already have your babies, and in my opinion she should be happy that you are offering to be responsible instead of having her do it. Have you asked your wife dear, because I have to say based on what you have put out here I can't tell where her head is. Initally I thought religious, based on the comment she believes you should keep the parts and abilities that god gave you. But you stated neither of you are that religious. Based on that and what all you posted I would have to suggest you to ask your wife why is a problem for you to have a vasectomy. Kudos to you though for being a standup kind of man! I hope your wife stands behind you and be supportive regardless of her differences on the situation. Ask her and see what she say's then explain your side again. Wish you all well!
JamesM Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Having had one and coming from a very conservative religion, I do not understand why. If it is a "ticket" to cheat, then there are definitely other issues here. But it cannot be considered this, because you can still catch STDs. As for difficulty of procedure, it was easier than having teeth pulled (and yes, I just had three pulled ). Out of curiosity, why do YOU want to have one when she doesn't want you to have one? Usually, it is the men who balk at the procedure. You are 44...how old is she? Does she want more children?
Author jurney Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 She is 44 and she has never said that she would be worried about me cheating.(and i wouldn't) she also has said that she does not want any more children. The reasons I want one is because. 1) I don't want children. 2) I feel we are to old to have them as in her health at having children at her age. 3) Right now we use what I call the pullout methed and I would love to stay in her. (She has also said she would like to feel me fill her.) And 4) This may be sick to some of you but I would love to go down on her after I have filled her.
Storyrider Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I want to have a vasectomy she doesn't want me to have one. She says I was born with being able to have kids and I should stay that way. She has also brought up the religion factor. How ever neither one of us is very religious. What is your wife's religious background? Was she raised Catholic? My husband has the same stance about surgical birth control, but he is an orthodox practicing Catholic. I'm guessing your wife is more religious than you realized. Certain watershed events in life bring out religious beliefs that haven't been evident before. My husband never mentioned until we were done having children that he would balk at any kind of surgical birth control (for either of us). It isn't generally something discussed at the beginning of a marriage.
Art_Critic Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 How is your marriage ?... I mean besides this.. Does she think you are going to be together in the future ?
norajane Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Some women don't want more children...but, when the choice is taken away from them, might feel a sadness about it. This may have more to do with her (not a mid-life crisis, per se, but the realization that she's too old to have more kids) than with the vasectomy.
Author jurney Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 Norajane I think you may have a good point. I talked with my wife this weekend some more and one thing she said was that deep down inside she thought that maybe we would have a child. This was about four hours after at a party we were at she was telling some one that she was done having kids. The only outher thing she mentioned again was are catholic upbriging does not allow it. Any outhr pointers on how I can reassure her that it would be okay.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 My wife and I are both 44 we have two kids. I want to have a vasectomy she doesn't want me to have one. Hmmm, this may be reaching, but one main reason, other than that I don't need any more kids, I got a vasectomy was that if a significant other of mine wound up pregnant, there is a 99.9% chance that it is not mine. Do you ever suspect her of being unfaithful? No, I'm not trying to stir up your thinking, but this is the state of mind I was in when I got mine.
JamesM Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Norajane I think you may have a good point. I talked with my wife this weekend some more and one thing she said was that deep down inside she thought that maybe we would have a child. This is probably the real reason. The finality of this stage in life is not easy to accept. When I had mine, this thought came to mind...I am never going to have any more kids. She may simply not want that definite end yet. And it is also a sign that you are getting older. For the past twenty plus years, getting pregnant was either desirable or undesirable. But in either case, it is a sign that we are viable and young. Ending this means that we are moving on into the next stage of mid life...which leads to old age. (Now I AM depressed! ) Yet this can signify a stage of more freedom in sexual "play," too. As for having more kids at your age (also my age), this is questionable for many reasons...her health, a baby's health, etc. Most doctors do not recommend this. The only other thing she mentioned again was are catholic upbringing does not allow it. Any othr pointers on how I can reassure her that it would be okay. I think the upbringing is a secondary reason, but it may be part of it. There can be a guilt associated with this form of birth control...especially if you are not using condoms. Maybe a talk with a priest as to the best way to handle this is in order. Otherwise, I would not push to "reassure" her. She needs to know that the decision was one SHE made or she may resent you down the road.
Trialbyfire Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Point blank, it's not your wife's right to impact on your decision-making with your own body. You've had your children so now, go get the vasectomy, if it's what you want to do. It shouldn't even be a discussion point between the two of you!
JamesM Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Point blank, it's not your wife's right to impact on your decision-making with your own body. You've had your children so now, go get the vasectomy, if it's what you want to do. It shouldn't even be a discussion point between the two of you! TBF, at least you are consistent , but as a guy I disagree with you here, too. The wife says she may still want children for whatever reason. I don't necessarily think it is wise for her health or the baby's, but that is another discussion. (The religious argument is not as important to this discussion regarding her input. This should be a decision based on his religious beliefs not hers.) He married her and made a commitment. This decision impacts both of them. Therefore, both are a part of this decision. If not, then guys can have vasectomies when they want simply because they think they are done with having children...or do not want children. This is not what married couples do. Decisions that impact both require input from both IMO.
Trialbyfire Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 TBF, at least you are consistent , but as a guy I disagree with you here, too. The wife says she may still want children for whatever reason. I don't necessarily think it is wise for her health or the baby's, but that is another discussion. (The religious argument is not as important to this discussion regarding her input. This should be a decision based on his religious beliefs not hers.) He married her and made a commitment. This decision impacts both of them. Therefore, both are a part of this decision. If not, then guys can have vasectomies when they want simply because they think they are done with having children...or do not want children. This is not what married couples do. Decisions that impact both require input from both IMO. I would agree with you, if they hadn't had their two children. After that, it's his business, religion inclusive.
JamesM Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I would agree with you, if they hadn't had their two children. The question is...is two children all that they are going to have? She seems to think/hope more. And no, I am not saying they should have more. In fact, I would advise her no. But HIS decision regarding his body impacts the decision for HER body...unless she has another man be the father or adopts a child. So IMO she needs to resolve this issue for them. Other than that, this is his decision.
Trialbyfire Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 So IMO she needs to resolve this issue for them. Other than that, this is his decision. She needs to resolve this issue within herself. If he chooses to help her through this process, that's his decision. If he chooses not to, once again, that's his decision. His body, his responsibility. There's just no excuse for people wanting to control their spouse's bodies, especially since they've already had two children. James, straight up, if I were still married, had children and my ex-H had issues with me wanting a hysterectomy, I would tell him to shove it and get it done. It's my body, just like it's the OPs body.
JamesM Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 She needs to resolve this issue within herself. If he chooses to help her through this process, that's his decision. If he chooses not to, once again, that's his decision. His body, his responsibility. There's just no excuse for people wanting to control their spouse's bodies, especially since they've already had two children. Hmmm...looks like we come down on opposite sides again. You are so much fun to have around. I disagree. When the issue involves the spouse, then it becomes a "we" issue. Suppose I told my wife that "Hey, this is MY paycheck. No spouse is gonna tell me what to do with it!" This would be wrong. Suppose I said that "This is my body, and I want sex with that woman. You will not tell me what to do with my p*nis!" That would be wrong. When it comes to issues of the body and life that affect the other person, then this does play a part in the decision. And yes, if my wife went and had a hysterectomy without consulting me, then I would have a BIG problem with that. I know without a doubt that she would not have done so....despite the fact that her decision regarding it WOULD be the final one. If I had a vasectomy without her input and agreement, then she...as well as I...also would have a problem with that. When I had the vasectomy, we both felt that this was best. She did not want more babies, so we had two options. Her or me. It was easier on my body than on hers, so I did the deed. James, straight up, if I were still married, had children and my ex-H had issues with me wanting a hysterectomy, I would tell him to shove it and get it done. It's my body, just like it's the OPs body. Well, my wife who is still married to me, would not do that. We are in this together, and we do what is best for us...not what is best for me or her. There are definitely many issues that relate to my body and do not affect her, as there are many issues that relate to her body and do not affect me. When those come up, then each of us does make the decision that is in only our best interests.
Trialbyfire Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Hmmm...looks like we come down on opposite sides again. You are so much fun to have around. I disagree. When the issue involves the spouse, then it becomes a "we" issue. Suppose I told my wife that "Hey, this is MY paycheck. No spouse is gonna tell me what to do with it!" This would be wrong. Suppose I said that "This is my body, and I want sex with that woman. You will not tell me what to do with my p*nis!" That would be wrong.But I do believe that everyone is entitled to their paycheque within their marriage. You know how fiercely independent I am when it comes to financial matters. If you both work, you both pay your portion of the bills, then the balance is yours to do what you choose, as long as your retirement is being addressed by a set contribution from both parties. I see each person as having rights, two individuals who want the same goals in life. As far as fidelity, this is part of the tenets of marriage. If one partner chooses to violate the partnership agreement, the partnership is dissolved and a new covenant is put into place, if both partners want to stay together. When it comes to issues of the body and life that affect the other person, then this does play a part in the decision. And yes, if my wife went and had a hysterectomy without consulting me, then I would have a BIG problem with that. I know without a doubt that she would not have done so....despite the fact that her decision regarding it WOULD be the final one. If I had a vasectomy without her input and agreement, then she...as well as I...also would have a problem with that. When I had the vasectomy, we both felt that this was best. She did not want more babies, so we had two options. Her or me. It was easier on my body than on hers, so I did the deed. Well, my wife who is still married to me, would not do that. We are in this together, and we do what is best for us...not what is best for me or her. There are definitely many issues that relate to my body and do not affect her, as there are many issues that relate to her body and do not affect me. When those come up, then each of us does make the decision that is in only our best interests. Where I wouldn't say a word, if a spouse of mine wanted to have a vasectomy. It would only be an issue if we went into the marriage with an agreement to have x number of children and he changed his mind and chose to have none, wanting a vasectomy. If that happened, I would maintain my boundaries and if he chose not to abide by those boundaries, I would walk. To me, the best way to go into a marriage is with someone with the same goals in life and strong, strong communications. If one party wants to change something that's been agreed to, they need to approach it as a negotiation. If the other party isn't willing to change the original agreement, then the original agreement still stands or the contract is dissolved, with assorted consequences.
JamesM Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 But I do believe that everyone is entitled to their paycheque within their marriage. I don't believe that and my wife is even stronger on that issue than I. We both make about the same...depending on OT hours. We married to become one. We did not intend for a business partnership. What is hers is mine and vice versa. As far as fidelity, this is part of the tenets of marriage. If one partner chooses to violate the partnership agreement, the partnership is dissolved and a new covenant is put into place, if both partners want to stay together. Agreed...and I knew you would respond that way. That is my point. Most if not all vows never mention that sex is within the marital bonds...they imply it by saying we will be faithful. The implication is that "being faithful" is having sex with only the spouse. Yet "being faithful" goes beyond that. It means that the two shall be as one in all things. So we are. Financial, emotional, and sexual. So to me a vasectomy falls into the category of my body being her body. It would only be an issue if we went into the marriage with an agreement to have x number of children and he changed his mind and chose to have none, wanting a vasectomy. If that happened, I would maintain my boundaries and if he chose not to abide by those boundaries, I would walk. This is the issue here. The wife at least says that she is not done with having children. This means that having a vasectomy ends her plans. Since they have a Catholic upbringing and do not use BC, then I am guessing that the amount of children expected was not a set number. So, the agreed amount may or may not have been met yet. By your standards, he should not have a vasectomy without her permission. As for boundaries, that would make an interesting thread....and I shall start it. Your input will be greatly appreciated.
Trialbyfire Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 I will be more than happy to provide input James, as someone with fairly strong boundaries!
Author jurney Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 Thanks for all the replys TBF and James both have good aurguments. However I do need my wifes blessing with this. I will try to keep explaning to her how I feel about it. And hope that she will change her mind. I have the consultation on Monday. Hope she comes with me and sees that it will be a good thing for both of us. If I just go ahead and do it with out her blessing then I feel it may be a sore spot in the future. however if she should become pregnent I am afraid that may be a sore spot. I will try to explain that to her this week. Any outher input from anybody is appreciated.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 jurney, if you do end up having it done, please, please, please follow instructions re getting tested several times before resuming 'normal activities'. Or in your case, new ones, lol. I didn't know a lot about the procedure, and H didn't bother getting tested, and we had a brand-new bundle of joy a year after the snipping. Yes, it happens. No, the child is not somebody else's. I'm glad that you are taking your wife's feelings into consideration. My BIL had it done w/o his wife's blessing, and ended up getting it reversed and now she's pregnant.
JamesM Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 jurney, if you do end up having it done, please, please, please follow instructions re getting tested several times before resuming 'normal activities'. Or in your case, new ones, lol. I didn't know a lot about the procedure, and H didn't bother getting tested, and we had a brand-new bundle of joy a year after the snipping. Yes, it happens. No, the child is not somebody else's. Agree. I have a friend whose husband was also "clipped," and yet he had TWO children after the vasectomy. The surgery can be a failure in that sense. He said it was because nothing could stop his manliness.
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