Actions vs Words... what do you listen to?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

That was deep Forest and so true Forest. I know where you are coming from. I have been both a victim and a villian in this.

 

 

DNR

[D-Lish]

Yes- all very valid points.

 

It was the first date that we both disclosed we weren't looking for anything serious. I meant that at the time as I know he did. We haven't discussed it or brought it up since.

 

He was supposed to leave soon, but extended his stay until x-mas.

 

I am still pretty unsure if I want something long term with anyone, let alone him. I am still not sure if I am ready.

 

I'm still paying attention to words in this case.

I've pulled back a bit since our last date. I feel like I need a breather from him.

 

At this point I still feel okay and in control of my feelings.

I'm not sure if I should see him again though, to protect myself.

I could walk away right now and still come out unscathed, but I think if we hang out another time or two, I'd be crossing into vulnerable territory.

 

What to do, what to do.

 

It has occurred to me as others have pointed out... That some guys do have that ability to care and be boyfriendish without taking it a step further. I can do that too, but only up to a point.

 

It just kinda sucks... to meet someone you really click with, to know that perhaps under different circumstances, you would invest in them.

 

He said something really telling the other day...

 

"After being together I think we've both ruined ourselves when it comes to dating others in the future"

 

That says I think you're awesome- but we'll both be moving on at some point. I'm just caught between wondering to see him again or pull away now, while I have the chance.

[indianlover]

Remember, guys can compartmentalize. So, yes, he may be attached or getting more attached to you, but when he leaves, he can still put you in his past, as a lovely fling with a genuinely wonderful woman. The reality of his departure will hit you harder if you allow yourself to think there's a future for you together.

 

At the same time, don't hold back. If you're going to have a love affair, have a really passionate one.

 

I totally agree - similar situation and got burned. Words are usually the trump. Until he changes his words - says that he's falling for you or changing his mind its very likely he hasn't. That being said, I'm sorry. Its very confusing when men hold you close and at a distance at the same time.

 

Take care of yourself, protect yourself emotionally - and do just have fun. If it becomes more serious, great. If not you will be prepared for the leave.

[forest123]

But here is the catch..

 

It is so great because he KNOWS he is leaving.

 

Example..

 

When married men have affairs. He sees his mistress once a week, they have great sex, no problems, he is a gentleman, no arguing etc.. Well this is only happening because both are being half invested. It is not very deep. So lots of words, feelings etc are thrown around..

 

If you and him were in a real relationship age might come up. Children. Income. Future goals. Real compatibility issues. But since both of you know it is just for fun, all of the important issues are ignored. So it seems wonderful.

 

I fell into this trap a few times myself. I meet a woman who tells me she is not ready for a relationship etc. I say "ok cool".

 

Then somehow gears shift, and she is writing me love letters, telling me I am the most amazing ever, I am gods gift to her, sex is great, we have the best time, then poof , once it gets to a higher level it all ends. Or she withdraws. So, in the future i pay more attention to words.

[Trialbyfire]

D., are you wanting to pull back because you feel you will invest or because it feels like he's wanting to take it to a different level? Something to consider.

 

If you think you've got a handle on it, go for it. There's nothing wrong with having a wonderful time with someone, even if it's only for a short time. It's not as if every engagement has to be forever.

[Vertex]

I listen to both. Depending on context, either one can have vital meaning. Sometimes actions say what words cannot, but sometimes words imply future intentions that aren't currently being shown with actions. It really depends, and I don't think it's necessarily optimal to only focus on one over the other. Both types of information should be taken in -- together, they paint a more complete picture of how things are.

[D-Lish]

But here is the catch..

 

It is so great because he KNOWS he is leaving.

 

 

Yes, that is why it is attractive to me as well.

I knew he was leaving, so I willingly entered into something I knew couldn't ever get too serious.

 

My best friend asked me if he lived around the corner would I have started dating him in the first place. I couldn't answer her question.

 

I have a habit of dating within hopeless situations to avoid doing any real investing. Sometimes that backfires on me. It possibly could in this situation.

 

I don't normally ever allow things to progress to any level of comfort in these sort of situations. But that flew out the door within 5 minutes of meeting. We are the same type of "people" and everything seems naturally comfortable.

 

What do people think in terms of the appropriate action to take?

Do I cut it off now and save myself some heartache? Or just go with it and enjoy what it is- knowing I'll be hurt when he leaves in two months?

 

I'm being honest here- our dates are great and hugely enjoyable.

One more of those and I could be too smitten for my own good.

What do you guys think?

[norajane]

The words and actions actually have to match up. Otherwise, there is ambiguity, and that can always be misinterpreted.

[norajane]

What do people think in terms of the appropriate action to take?

Do I cut it off now and save myself some heartache? Or just go with it and enjoy what it is- knowing I'll be hurt when he leaves in two months?

 

I'm being honest here- our dates are great and hugely enjoyable.

One more of those and I could be too smitten for my own good.

What do you guys think?

 

I would keep seeing him; I wouldn't be able to help myself. But I also tend to get involved with impossible people, so I'm not much help.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Will you be any more hurt in two months? I think you will be hurt now. You might as well enjoy the next two months with the guy.

 

Every relationship is a gift. They aren't all meant to end in marriage. They can be special and beautiful, too, in their own ways.

[Trialbyfire]

You know he's going. You also know you have a great time with him. Isn't there any way you can stop yourself from getting too emotionally involved? It seems like such a shame to walk away, when you know there's wonderful chemistry like that.

 

Here's an idea. Why not ask him what he thinks? This way, reliant on how he feels, you can react accordingly.

[forest123]

Well here is the trap..

 

Lets say you continue seeing each other.. Then he leaves.

 

What if it continues into a LDR? Then you are spending more time on something that might not even be there. Or that LDR might fill just enough of your emotional needs to prevent you from having a real relationship.

 

Maybe try to get to know him on a deeper level somehow, so when he leaves you know if it would be worth pursuing at all in the future. If you know a LDR is out of the question, I guess it really does not matter what you choose to do.

[me4u2]

I think you should continue to see him. Besides, I get the feeling that even if you try to cut it off now, you may have an extremely difficult time following through. I say continue with your experience and enjoy it til the very last second.

[Ruby Slippers]

"After being together I think we've both ruined ourselves when it comes to dating others in the future"

But here is the catch..

 

It is so great because he KNOWS he is leaving.

 

Example..

 

When married men have affairs. He sees his mistress once a week, they have great sex, no problems, he is a gentleman, no arguing etc.. Well this is only happening because both are being half invested. It is not very deep. So lots of words, feelings etc are thrown around..

 

If you and him were in a real relationship age might come up. Children. Income. Future goals. Real compatibility issues. But since both of you know it is just for fun, all of the important issues are ignored. So it seems wonderful.

YES. It is sooooo easy to be wonderful and sexy and perfect and blissful when there's no REAL commitment or investment. It's fantasy land. You're a fun and attractive woman, so your potential for fantasy fun with men is virtually endless.

 

I just don't want to see you get hurt (I mean, I don't even know you, but I still don't want you to get hurt!), and I don't want him to pull a fast one on you.

 

I could walk away right now and still come out unscathed, but I think if we hang out another time or two, I'd be crossing into vulnerable territory.

I say listen to that intuition! It never lies. No matter what, you have had some fun. It's like when you're at the casino and you're beating the house. You can walk away a winner, or you can sit there and give all that money and then some back to the house. At least 80% of people who bet in a casino are winners at some point in the night. Problem is: they keep playing, and lose.

[Ruby Slippers]

Here's an idea. Why not ask him what he thinks? This way, reliant on how he feels, you can react accordingly.

I respectfully disagree completely.

 

Then she's just doing the whole female "What are you feeeeeeeling?" thing, and completely giving him power to hurt her or let her down. Bad move! Feelings and serious discussion was NOT the deal. The deal was casual and light. I think the fact that he hasn't said anything concrete on the matter says it all.

[D-Lish]

I respectfully disagree completely.

 

Then she's just doing the whole female "What are you feeeeeeeling?" thing, and completely giving him power to hurt her or let her down. Bad move! Feelings and serious discussion was NOT the deal. The deal was casual and light. I think the fact that he hasn't said anything concrete on the matter says it all.

 

Nah, don't worry Ruby, I wouldn't ever ask what he's feeling. I come from that same school where I think it's offputting to ask a guy you haven't been dating for too long "what they are thinking or where things are heading". That comes off as pressure i think- and I know the dangers of putting the pressure on.

 

I am currently thinking I will just let things slide slowly. Keep friendly and in touch, but avoid meeting up again.

 

I think I am fooling myself a bit in denying I don't care about him- cuz I do. I wouldn't be posting here if he didn't mean anything to me!

 

Falling head over heels... Well, that hasn't happened yet. Knowing what the future holds, I don't want it to happen. I guess I don't see any other choice but to end it here, before things get more than I can handle.

 

I don't like tears...SO I don't want to take it to a place where I might be in danger of shedding any.

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Much respect for taking care of yourself, girl! I think you're fabulous!

[Ariadne]

Hey,

 

Is this the guy that was LD that sent you some flowers after he went away?

 

I told you he seemed like a player, and you said you could tell players right away.

 

making me tea, rubbing my back and going to the store at midnight to get me aspirin and ice cream just so I'd stay.

 

feel better, are you okay, when can I see you again, never met anyone like you, let's take a day trip next week.

 

This guy is just being seductive and it doesn't mean that he cares because he gives you a massage etc. It takes time for that.

 

Just see what happens. Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

I respectfully disagree completely.

 

Then she's just doing the whole female "What are you feeeeeeeling?" thing, and completely giving him power to hurt her or let her down. Bad move! Feelings and serious discussion was NOT the deal. The deal was casual and light. I think the fact that he hasn't said anything concrete on the matter says it all.

No worries. I half agree with you. Where I disagree is that it's a no lose proposition for D, since he's gone anyways. If it were my situ, I wouldn't be investing or even be close to it.

[Capricciosa]

 

I have a habit of dating within hopeless situations to avoid doing any real investing. Sometimes that backfires on me. It possibly could in this situation.

 

What do you guys think?

 

I think you should try hard to break this habit--starting immediately!

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Yeah, I was thinking that, too. Why are you putting yourself in these situations, and is it good for you in the big picture?

[rod_in_gtown]

I think you need to have a reality check conversation with him. I read your post and been skimming over the other responses so I apologize if this has already been brought up or addressed prior to me.

 

I am the type of person who is now taking his relationships more cautiosly and I could potentially see myself saying "I'm not sure I'm ready to be in a serious relationship" and then falling head over heels for someone.

 

His actions: mainly the caring for you and nurturing you back to health tells me he's not a player. It does not conform to any behavioral pattern that I can logically attribute to the likes of a parasite like a player.

 

From what you're describing, it sounds like he is falling for you and he wasn't looking to do that, his changing his mind, and him telling you he wants to spend more time in Canada, would, in my case, be an indirect hint to say that I've found something in Canada (namely you) worth staying for.

 

Now you have to ask yourself if he is the kind of person you'd want to get serious about and if you do, then the reality check conversation needs to happen. Address the initial conversation and ask him about what his actions are telling you and if your reading him is accurate or if things need to cool off and stay in it's current dead-end track.

 

I have seen cases in which a player will tell a woman he's not ready for a relationship so he can have his cake and eat it too, meaning all the fun of the sex without any of the responsibility, however caring for you when you were sick does not fit this behavioral pattern and leads me to believe he might be genuinely finding that he cares for you and may want to give the relationship a realistic try. Maybe he'll find a way of staying in a more indefinite capacity.

 

For the record, my stance has always been "talk is cheap"

[D-Lish]

Hey,

Is this the guy that was LD that sent you some flowers after he went away?

 

I told you he seemed like a player, and you said you could tell players right away.

 

Nah- it's a different guy, a new guy.

[D-Lish]

I think you need to have a reality check conversation with him. I read your post and been skimming over the other responses so I apologize if this has already been brought up or addressed prior to me.

 

 

His actions: mainly the caring for you and nurturing you back to health tells me he's not a player. It does not conform to any behavioral pattern that I can logically attribute to the likes of a parasite like a player.

 

From what you're describing, it sounds like he is falling for you and he wasn't looking to do that, his changing his mind, and him telling you he wants to spend more time in Canada, would, in my case, be an indirect hint to say that I've found something in Canada (namely you) worth staying for.

 

Now you have to ask yourself if he is the kind of person you'd want to get serious about and if you do, then the reality check conversation needs to happen. Address the initial conversation and ask him about what his actions are telling you and if your reading him is accurate or if things need to cool off and stay in it's current dead-end track.

 

I have seen cases in which a player will tell a woman he's not ready for a relationship so he can have his cake and eat it too, meaning all the fun of the sex without any of the responsibility, however caring for you when you were sick does not fit this behavioral pattern and leads me to believe he might be genuinely finding that he cares for you and may want to give the relationship a realistic try. Maybe he'll find a way of staying in a more indefinite capacity.

 

For the record, my stance has always been "talk is cheap"

 

Well, it's not over. We did end up having that "talk"...

 

I pulled my usual sabotaging act with him. Assuming he was leaving soon and it wasn't going anywhere... I created a stupid fight and walked out the other morning. I know it's stupid- but I tend to do that in order to be able to put an ending to things. It's easier for me to get mad than sad.

 

Anyway, he text me after and said "get your ass back here we are going to talk".

 

So he pointed out he recognized I was sabotaging and basically told me never to pull that crap with him again. He's staying around. He's going to do some mini trips- but stay in the area. He applied for jobs locally today.

 

He admitted that he didn't expect to get involved, but it happened. I admitted the same (as hard as that was to do). He said that after our first date he confided in his mate that he shouldn't see me again or he wouldn't end up leaving.

 

I don't know where things will go from here.

We get along famously. I've never met anyone with the same nutty-dark sense of humour as myself.

 

At least things are better clarified. I'm still scared. I like him a lot.