TheRock Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I overreacted and blew up at my GF of 2 1/2 years. It's over a recurring issue that we've argued about for about 1 year now. At 32, she still lives at home and her father influences her decisions. While the parents like me, the father is from Europe and is old school in his ways. For instance, I'm not allowed at my GF's Grandmother's for dinner, unless we were married. This is difficult during the holidays, since they lay the guilt trip on her if she wants to be with my family. Another item is if we are away on vacation, the father will call and say she needs to rush home for an "emergency" which is usually nothing major. She is too weak to stand up to this and finds it easier to push me away, then feels bad she's doing it to me. ANYWAY, our 5th blowout happend last week. As usual, she cried and couldn't sleep all week and was sick to her stomach over it. I felt the same. We love eachother, but can't continue to feel like this anymore. She contacted me last Monday and we've been talking, but it seems the only option is to break up and move on. We're not talking for 2 days so we can think things through. We have a great relationship together and the arguement is due to anger with each other, but the situation. We wouldn't be fighting if her father didn't control her. How do we keep from breaking up?
On.the.other.hand Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I guess you could ask her to marry you. If you feel so strongly about her you just wouldn't let her go. No matter what! But if you think breaking up is really for the best then maybie it is. Be engaged if thats what YOU want, not what her father wants!! Its your relationship, not his! Best of luck, must be rough
Author TheRock Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 Unfortunately, she's not ready to get engaged yet and is not totally sure what she wants or when she wants it. She lacks confidence in herself due to her upbrining and her controlling father and she feels she needs to live by herself for a few months to pay her own bills, etc and show herself she can do it BEFORE she will consider an engagement. I don't have a problem with that and fully support it. However, when she talks of getting an apartment, her father talks her out of it and controls her by saying things like, if you don't want to listen to me than you obviously don't love your mother and I... So, she still lives at home and we wind up arguing. She also has fears that she won't be a good mother, etc. I tell her I think she'd be great. We're supposed to talk on Sunday and discuss what we're going to do. Hoping we can work it out. It's one of those things that's spiraled out of control.
whichwayisup Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 At age 32, she's still not ready to marry you after being together for nearly 3 years, and she's still living at home, letting her dad control her - Well, hate to say it, but the writing is on the wall. My suggestion is, ask her to go seek counselling, to help her figure this out, to help her get stronger so she can MOVE OUT of her fathers house and be an adult. Be an independant woman, and think for herself. Hopefully she'll be willing to go. If she isn't, you may have to think about breaking it off with her. How long are you supposed to wait?
Author TheRock Posted November 7, 2008 Author Posted November 7, 2008 She says she truly loves me and in the recent past, has made references to looking foward to waking up next to me everyday, living together, etc. However, since the 2-3 recent arguments, she says she realizes that she's got a problem with her father and leaving home, but isn't strong enough to get help for it. Sex has dwindled and I am the one now initiating it. She says she feels differently now, saying she feels I think she has a lot of problems, referring to an email I sent her stating her father's influence was affecting us. Also, about 1 1/2 yrs ago, I had a temporary ED problem and couldn't ejaculate...doc said it was from stress. She took it personally and hasn't been the same since. She took it as she wasn't turning me on enough, I wasn't attracted to her or we weren't meant to be together. I've been trying to convince her that's not the case, but I don't think she believes it. How do I make it clear to her and try to get her to be attracted again? I wonder if the passion has faded and if we can retrieve it. If so, how??
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 At age 32, she's still not ready to marry you after being together for nearly 3 years, and she's still living at home, letting her dad control her - Well, hate to say it, but the writing is on the wall. I agree with WWIU, these are very serious indicators and if she is so controlled by her father now I highly doubt that her moving out into a place on her own will make it better unless she seeks counseling too. Even then I believe her father would still use the guilt trips to control.
Author TheRock Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 She's in a state of denial to some extent. While she realizes that her father can be a problem, she doesn't see how much it's affecting our relationship. I'm not allowed at Christmas or Thanksgiving Dinner at her Grandmother's because we're not married. It's a "Family" event according to her father. (Her sis-in-law pulled me aside one time and told me about the "father's rules" and how she went through hell before they were married trying to understand it) He criticizes EVERYTHING she does from the way she eats, walks, dresses, talks, etc. (I'm not exaggerating). Then, he insists she be home for Sunday Dinner otherwise, "she doesn't love her family". If she stays over w/me he says "what will the neighbors think". (He just turned 60, so he's not that old to be out of touch with 2008). He basically manipulates her. Everytime we've gone away together, he either calls her and says she has to cut the trip short and come home for an "emergency" which doesn't exist. (so I get mad the trip got cut short). Often, they will fight at home prior to her coming over and when she gets to my place, she's in tears, a bad mood or has a migraine from it and as a result is not romantic and depressed and wants to just curl up on the couch and go to bed. The MAN has issues. PROB WONDERING WHY DO I HOLD ONTO THIS...for the first 9 months everything was great with us. It wasn't till her dad realized this might be serious that he became controlling and interfering. She refuses to argue with him, so the prob still exists... I can't bring it up, cause she thinks I'm beating up on her family. I love her mom and bro.
Lady Bird Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Are you willing to settle for this for the rest of your life? Not his life because even after he passes she will retain the issues so as long as you will be with this woman you will deal with these issues.
D-Lish Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 An interferring mother-in-law (also euro) destroyed my relationship with my ex husband. It's all about the guilt, that's how they control their kids. She would call our house 16plus times a day- cry and throw tantrums that he didn't love her or he'd be at their house spendin time with her... It was horrible. I am sorry to say this- but you WILL come to resent the fact that she chooses her father over you. She does this by not confronting him. I lost respect for my husband over our 8 years together precisely because he would not ever stand up to her. Your GF will most likely never break free... It's sad, but likely she'll always remain a prisoner to his guilt.
Author TheRock Posted November 8, 2008 Author Posted November 8, 2008 When we are together, we get along well. We only argue if she comes over upset from an argument with her father, usually over him criticizing her or telling her her faults and how she's not perfect. I told her that she "could" do something about this once and she called ME controlling for saying that... I actually laughed... I truly love her and feel a connection I've never felt before...And I've dated well over 100 women in my 37 years. She's a great person and I don't see the faults her father sees. We both feel the same way about each other, but lately she feels bad for causing me pain by having to deal with the fallout from her father's issues. She says she loves me, is in love with me and deeply cares about me. She sees I'm miserable lately, since his influence on her life has gotten worse. However, her father used to ignore her as a child and she's just happy he's communicating with her and is scared to say anything to him. *(he actually broke down crying to her the other day about how he realizes he's screwed up her life, but he still does it...) She doesn't want to break-up, but doesn't want to hold me back from a relationship with someone without these issues. She's tired of fighting over it and seeing me like this... She's extremely depressed right now.
Walk Posted November 8, 2008 Posted November 8, 2008 Only thing I can see as helping is to explain to her the steps she needs to take for the two of you to have a relationship, and if she doesn't start taking action on those, then end the relationship. A good step would be counseling. You could even offer to go with her and wait while there til she's done. Or for her to begin the moving out process (i.e. seriously look for an apartment, put some effort into it). If she isn't willing to help herself, then anything you do is just going to hurt the situation. Be supportive, but not a doormat. It sounds like you need more from your gf then you're getting at this point. She needs to show you that she's attempting to move forward in her life and in the relationship. She's also showing that she would rather hurt you, discomfort you, then annoy her father. Which makes you feel secondary. There are things you need in a relationship that your gf isn't able to provide right now. It's really great that you've put up with the situation for so long, and have been as patient with it as you have been... but at some point the resentment will become too much. I think you've almost reached that point. Give your gf another chance, but this time be clear about what you want, what you expect from her, and what you're willing to do to help her become that person you need her to be. Then let her choose her own path. If she accepts the help, tries to help herself and works to fulfill what you need.. then great. If she won't, then if you continue to hang around it will only act as an enabler for her to continue scurrying away from her own problems. And you still won't be getting what you really need from her as a partner.
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