NedFlanders Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Ok, I have a friend who seperated from her husband for about two months, and while she was seperated she was secretly meeting another male friend a lot of times. He was helping her like get a lawyer, showing her how to setup her own bank account, etc because this woman has never been on her own since she was 16 and has never had to handle any finances on her own. She told me he was just advising her on what to do, mentoring her, etc, and that it was not physical. Well when they got caught one night meeting lets just say the s^%t hit the fan. Everyone accused them of having an affair, that she left her husband for him, because he was also seperating from his wife at the same time. Well I have always believed my friend, but everyone else calls me the biggest idiot in the world. I can definitely see how it can seem this way, but the woman and I have been best of friends, and I really do believe her she just made poor judgement in sneaking around. What do you all think about this?
Holding-On Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 If she was meeting someone while separated then she is mostly single, and if he was separated at the same time he is single also, no? so I am confused as to how this is an affair.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I think its just bad luck and bad timing really, if your friend is being honest. I can understand why the sh*t hit the fan. Even people who are on the way out of the marriage don't like the idea of someone having been in the picture prior. It becomes a matter of... "I don't love my wife anymore, but I'll be damned if you are going to come into my home and take her away". People who don't play with their toys anymore still don't like someone coming along and taking them away.
Ronni_W Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I really do believe her she just made poor judgement in sneaking around. What do you all think about this? I think that you are right to trust your friend, and admire your ability and willingness to do that and to support her even in the face of others' negative judgments and name-calling. She is lucky to have you in her life, is the truth of it.
Lady Bird Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I'm curious in the situation of when they got caught. If someone is mentoring for things such as you've listed then I would assume they were meeting at eating places, library, banks, etc so I wouldn't see how it could be that bad. Were they meeting in public out of the way places or motel/hotel rooms?
Author NedFlanders Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 I'm curious in the situation of when they got caught. If someone is mentoring for things such as you've listed then I would assume they were meeting at eating places, library, banks, etc so I wouldn't see how it could be that bad. Were they meeting in public out of the way places or motel/hotel rooms? They would drive back to work and meet each other late at night at work after everyone had left and went home. They would meet each other in church parking lots very late in the night, but this is how they really got caught. She told me he wanted to see what the house looked like she moved into. She switched cars and drove a company car to walmart where he was waiting, he got in and laid down in the back seat so no one would see him, and than they went over to the house she just moved into, and the entire time her husbands parents were following them. Like I said she told me he has always been there to advise and mentor her. She told me it was not physical, but she was vunerable and he was and that is why they were relying and comforting each other. There was a lot of sneaking around late at night, and she without a doubt made mistakes in doing this because let me tell you we live in a small town and man when this "rumor" hit it rocked our little town. I am serious about this. So what you think, should I believe her or believe everyone else. Like I said though I definitely know the way it seems. All this happened I guess in April, and everyone says that there involvement started in Janurary, but you know what my friend tells me that she has been seeking his advice for about 14 years.
jj33 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 The lying down on the back seat is just silly and ridiculous. They were separated. If he wanted to see her house he shoudl have done so in the light of day. Or following her in his car. Their actions made them LOOK guilty. Whether they were in fact guilty becomes secondary. And WHY were Hs parents following her at all if they were separated? Is this some kind of joke? And I dont mean to be rude but why do you care if you are not one of the parties involved?? None of it sounds right. Meeting at church parking lots late at night when you are separated? Thats teen age stuff and a church? So what if its a small town. And if he was simply helping her find a lawyer that is one email or one phone call here is the name. Setting up a bank account is one trip to the bank. What it sound like is that it might not have been physical but it was more than just "mentoring" in what how to be single again? It sounds like perhaps they were friends, perhaps there was an interest, they were helping each other through difficult times and for whatever reason did not want to be seen together.
dannydrifter Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Regardless of your female friend's feelings, I can almost guarantee you that this "guy" was interested in her. Helping her and doing all these things was his way of getting in closer. No guy, and I mean NO GUY (unless it's her brother, cousin, etc) will help out like this unless he is thinking there is something in it for him. The fact he was separated makes me believe it even more. I would not be surprised if your friend had something going on with him.
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Sounds like a great plot line for a TV show Seriously, since you and this lady were the "best of friends" and your friendship with her was open and conspicuous, I think you'd be a great judge of whether she can be friends with men and not use them for affairs and/or ego feeds. What say you? I'd go with that. No guy, and I mean NO GUY (unless it's her brother, cousin, etc) will help out like this unless he is thinking there is something in it for him OP, what do you think of that? I have my opinion from a lifetime of having platonic female friends, but it's your thread
Author NedFlanders Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 The big deal was the man doing the "mentoring/advising" is head of a community organization, and on the board of this organization is the womans husbands parents, and they baically decide whether or not he has a job. Also the "mentor" had been friends with the husband and his parents for probably around 15 years. BTW, when I say seperated I mean it was only after a few weeks that they were meeting places. Like I told her she made some bad choices during this time.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 OMG! If you can't see through this lie you need a thicker set of glasses. Why wouldn't she confide in you about how to set-up a checking account, or how to secure an attorney if she's supposed to be your best friend. Don't best friends lean on one another for support in times of need? She is and has been having an affair with this man but was too ashamed to reveal it to you while it was going on because she knew what your opinion would be. If she's willing to lie to her husband and sneak around with this man what makes you think that she isn't capable of lieing to you? Its time for your rose colored glasses to come off to see your friend for who and what she really is!
Reggie Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Yes, why all the ridiculous cloak and dagger if it was on ther up and up? I'd guess she's lying. Sure is strange behavior for a mentor.
The_Flawed_Gawd Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 If she was meeting someone while separated then she is mostly single, and if he was separated at the same time he is single also, no? so I am confused as to how this is an affair. I'm sorry, but I definitely have to disagree with this type of statement... There is no "category" of "mostly" single...you're either single or you're not... Separated or separating people are still married no matter how you look at it. Although I may be in no real position to take the moral "high-ground" on this subject, it just seems to me that there should be no dating or intimacy with others of the opposite sex until the "papers" are signed or at a minimum, filed. From the original post...it would appear that the male party was simply willing and able to help, hence, no affair. Others seem to have simply over reacted to the situation. But, if you are correct, and your trust is well placed...why all of the secrecy? There may be more going on than meets the eye...
jj33 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 SHE made some bad choices? What about him. He is the one with the job where her H's parents get to decide his fate. Its more that HE made some bad choices. And if he is the head of a community organization and he doesnt know better than to be "secreted" to the house of the woman separating from a board member's son, then he really really needs to do some serious thinking. They were definitely having an affair
Lady Bird Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I've lived in small towns and know how the rumor mill can run rapid and wild. Both of them made bad choices and their actions appear that something could be there. From my experience, they should just let things die down. In my opinion, believe your friend but remember all the information so that you aren't blind and can point things out to her.
norajane Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 People don't sneak around unless they are hiding something.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 If you are being and idiot or not is okay, sometimes being a friend puts our blinders on. If she was cheating or not, unless you were there with her for every meeting and she really told you everything (and trust me, even the best of friends WILL and DO hide things from us), then stand by her. Have trust and faith in her, just don't let it be with blinders. Now are the people right who are accusing her? I don't know. They might be right or they might be wrong. There are three ways to have an affair, emotionally, physically, or emtionally and physically. She my not be having sex with him, but she may be in an emotional affair, either on purpose or through her clandestine meetings have incidently developed them. Also look at who are accusing her, are they also friends of her's? Friends of the husband? Or mutual friends? Or are they just busy-bodies who prefer to gosssip than lead a hand to help the couple out? Now I do say as a friend, you are putting yourself in the wrong spot. I know she is separated, but you need to find out what road the married pair are on before you decide to continue with her clandestined meetings. If she is getting a divorce, then fine and dandy, help her with that. If she is trying to figure out if she should stay married, be objective on both sides. If she is trying to get back with her husband, you advice wisely on what actions are conductive and what aren't. Clandestine meetings with others is NOT going to help it. Just be wise and careful with what you are doing. Because, you have now inserted yourself into the middle of something you may not really and quite possibly be a part of. Good luck. DNR
Lady Bird Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 People don't sneak around unless they are hiding something. I'm not disagreeing with you Norajane but giving the benefit of doubt because I've been the center of a small town rumor mill and know how something simple can light a fire. Plus she is separated and going through a divorce, people tend to think very differently. Perhaps she was thinking of protecting her image but in reality she was making it worse. The path to hell is lined with good intentions.
norajane Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I'm not disagreeing with you Norajane but giving the benefit of doubt because I've been the center of a small town rumor mill and know how something simple can light a fire. Plus she is separated and going through a divorce, people tend to think very differently. Perhaps she was thinking of protecting her image but in reality she was making it worse. The path to hell is lined with good intentions. I don't disagree about rumor mills, but consider if she had met him openly at the bank or a coffee shop and there were no late night secret meetings and lying flat in the car. If their interactions had been during the day in front of everyone, they'd have a much better chance of quelling rumors of an affair. It wouldn't be difficult to say, well, yes, we met for coffee to discuss attorneys and yes, he helped me open a bank account, and yes, I invited my friend to see my house - and screw all y'all with your dirty, suspicious minds. They could take the high ground against any rumors. Instead, by choosing to sneak around late at night, they really give the impression they themselves felt they needed to hide their relationship. They wouldn't have felt that if they weren't involved in something they themselves thought was shady. It's hard to take the high ground while lying flat in someone's car.
jj33 Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 LOL. Exactly Nora "its hard to take the moral high ground while lying flat in someone's car". Exactly. That is the sort of thing you say and then laugh about because its so ridiculous anyone with GOOD judgement wouldnt do it. Even if he had not been lying flat in the car of a board member's son's wife and it had been someone else's wife, the board would be within its rights to question his judgement. Im not trying to be harsh with your friend but as someone said its like an episode from a TV. Its not something you try at home.... And why did he have to see her house. Im sorry I have never lived in a small town but I dont think its rocket science. He wanted to see her home because and went to such lengths to see it because they wanted to be alone together... No law against that but it wasnt smart given his circumstances. But we all make mistakes. Hopefully he will live to fight another day as head of his organization once this blows over. If its innocent than it would be a contender for the Darwin award for how not to help your friend...
Lady Bird Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Norajane and jj33, you both are right, their judgement was not good. The whole thing about a company car, meeting in the parking lot and laying in the backseat definitely screams something shady. They had to have known how it looked if they went to that extent of sneaking around. Dark-N-Romantic also has a great point that the OP may want to be aware as to not put himself in the same position. That's not to say don't abandon her friendship but learn from what has happened and keep things in the light and public. Sad to say but in a small town like that you always have to think about what people are going to say, so be wise to how things appear.
GPFan Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 People don't sneak around unless they are hiding something.People don't go out of their way like this unless they are hiding something. Perhaps it isn't what you think it is but there shouldn't be a need for cloak-and-dagger action if everything is on the up-and-up. Not sure what the confusion is except a desire to see the person spinning this tale as forthright and honourable.
Author NedFlanders Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 I dont know, call me stupid or whatever, but I do want to believe her in that all he was doing was advising her, and being there for her because he has known her for years. She told me five years ago she was going to leave her husband and went to him for advice and he told her to give him one more try. As for as the sneaking around I am trying to convince myself this way. There is no way in the world they could have met out in the open, because if his parnets found out the "mentor" would have been fired the very next day. I remember before she told me she just kept saying that something is going to come out, and do not believe it. I also really remember the day all of this came out. I was mad and upset over how stupid she was to let herself get in this situation. She called me up crying telling me she was sorry that she did not turn to me for help, but she turned to him because he knew all the "players" (husband, husbands parents, etc) and the history of the situation with her husband. She said if she would have turned to me than it would have been my reputation that would have been ruined. I mean does that sound like a woman having an affair? Now, take a thought on this her husbands parnets asked her how she feels about her "mentor" and she tells them that she that she loves and respects the "mentor". So to me if it was the "in love, love" there is no way in the world she would admit it so openly. BTW, she went back to her husband after only about two months. I dont know like I said I guess the question for me,was I being stupid in believing her that thats all there was going on? Stupid mistakes, and bad choices, and the mentor I have left out is a damn snake in the grass. You know what is funny, when she was seperated she got a couch and for a spilt second I was going to ask her if she wanted me to come over and help her with it, but than I realized to myself "you know what if someone sees me over there, they will think something is going on". So you see the difference between a man making smart choices and one making bad ones.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 No, no, no my friend. The fact that she openly admits to loving her mentor bespeaks volumes about the iceberg of emotions that lie hidden beneath the surface. You say this guy is a snake in the grass so you should at least accept that his intentions towards this relationship may be less than honorable. Your friend may truly be so naive and trusting that initially her mentor's suggestions for maintaining their relationship in a clandestine manner might not have raised any red flags with her but I still have a hard time not believing that she is so guileless that she didn't gain a nefarious thrill out of this daring cloak and dagger routine while meeting with her OM over time. Often is the case that when one spouse is contemplating divorce while engaging a secretive relationship with the opposite sex there is usually an emotional connection that's helped to switch their alliances from their spouse to their AP. You, however, have shown excellent common sense by taking a step back and at least asking the simple question "WTF"!
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