Major jealousy and trust issues.

[BCStunter.]

I'm sorry in advance, I'm relatively new to this whole thing. I've been reading the threads on this forum for the past few days because I was trying to deal with my trust issues by myself but I think it would help to hear what everyone here has to say. I know there are a lot of threads on trust issues but none of them really touch on what I've been through..

 

To give a little history on me, I've been dating since probably 14 years of age, I'm 20 years old now. I'm in a relationship now with a lovely girl who I want to marry eventually. I've had 5 "serious" relationships including this one. The past 4 relationships i've had, the serious ones, I have been cheated on one way or another.

 

Gf 1) Went back to her ex boyfriend after a year, I found out from people who were at a party that I didn't attend, I'm not a party person

Gf 2) Cheated on me on new years.....with a couple guys...and a girl (Don't ask).

Gf 3) Made out with a guy at a club.

 

At this point, I decided I didn't want to date anyone who drank, clubbed, or smoke(cant stand the smell).

 

Gf 4) Found out after a year and a half that when she goes to clubs she flashes for ciggarettes (She didn't smoke...apparently she does) and gets loaded. How did I find this out? I went out with her and her friends and some of my friends for a birthday. Oh, and she sent very sexual pics to a mutual friend (not anymore) of ours.

 

My problem is when I was younger and I was dating, I was so laid back, I didn't really care what my girlfriend was up to, then I got cheated on the first time, then i started to worry a bit, texted a lot more to see what they were up to every half hour or so, that kinda thing. Now, after 4 times you can kinda imagine the rough shape I'm in.

 

The girl I'm with is awesome. She's understanding, funny, loving, sex is freakin' amazing, and mature. She has a lot of guy friends which kind of bothers me but she's never really hidden anything from me, if she gets a text or a call I'll ask who it was non chalantly, and she does the same so it's no biggy. My problem is that I have this nasty imagination...if my gf doesn't msg me back almost right away when I msg her I start to think, "What's she doing? She's babysitting..but maybe she called a guy friend of hers to come over... or maybe shes texting a guy". I get extremely jealous too. We work at the same place, I do security and she works in mens clothing, so she gets hit on a lot and has even been asked out a few times by guys (Sometimes older guys...kinda creepy, she's 18....) and it makes me get anxiety and I start to get in a pissy mood. Sometimes I'll have the camera on in her department just to see if anyones hitting on her or if shes flirting with anyone. I also mistake friendlyness for flirting.

 

To be honest, I'm a ****ing mess. I am very laidback but when it comes to this kind of thing it just devastates me. I find that my bitter and cynical attributes have surfaced because of my experiences with women, which also may explain my sarcastic sense of humour as well. I just want to hear from you guys what you think.

 

Thanks for reading this, I really appreciate the chance to let me vent.

[Island Girl]

Wow. Five "serious" relationships and you are 20? That sounds as if every girl you date you get serious with. That is a mistake. Some girls and guys are not a fit as much as they are attracted to each other initially. It is not one or the others fault, it is just the way it goes.

 

At your age relationship dynamics are challenging to say the least. Some mature faster than others and things like communication regarding issues or feelings can get messy or dealt with inappropriately. It sounds like that has happened.

 

Why are you so driven for a serious relationship at your age?

[BCStunter.]

 

Why are you so driven for a serious relationship at your age?

 

Well the way I see it is, why bother dating someone if you can't see yourself with that person down the road a few or even several years down the road? I've had enough fun and that sort of stuff over the years. I'm in the process of becoming a Police Officer so I think that it's about time that I settle down with someone.

[BCStunter.]

Because society has trained him for it. Monogamy and "playing house" are honorable and good. Hence why there is a colossal amount of information on "cheating" and "affairs" etc.

By the time people "grow up" and find themselves they have built their own prison cell.

 

I don't think your attitude is really necessary. I'd like to think that I've dealt with a lot more in life than your average 20 year old due to personal and family happenings. My wanting to get married to someone is a choice that I've made.

 

And to your above post, no that's not just "how I am", like I mentioned in my OP, before I started to get cheated on I really couldn't care less what my girlfriend was up to when I wasn't around and I was content just seeing her after classes for a bit.

[BCStunter.]

BCStunner

based on your post and now telling us you are becoming a cop i think it may be a bit obvious that you are a CONTROL FREAK!!

 

HELLO!!! wake up! Now you want a badge and gun? I revise my first post. Insert "cop" where Psycho appeared and repeat with gun pointed at mirror. You can also try "you looking at my girl? Broken tail light, 500 bucks, and on and on"

 

Well I've actually wanted to become a police officer since I was 12, and really has nothing to do with what I'm trying to say or get across. I don't even know how a broken tail light smashed up has anything to do with my girlfriend, do you expect my girlfriend to be following me while I work?

[BCStunter.]

 

Its NOT her fault your previous girls cheated on you so don't take it out on her?

 

There is NO correlation between previous women cheating on you and your current one.

 

That's pretty much what I'm looking for. Just sometimes she does things that reminds me of past girlfriends and it stirs up bad memories.

[BCStunter.]

Because as a Cop you will have the power to keep guys away from her. DUH!!!

 

You should do research on why people desire to be police officers. ITs very interesting.

 

Well, she's becoming a police officer as well eventually (Different force, of course).

[Island Girl]

Because society has trained him for it. Monogamy and "playing house" are honorable and good. Hence why there is a colossal amount of information on "cheating" and "affairs" etc.

By the time people "grow up" and find themselves they have built their own prison cell.

 

 

cheandyoda I was asking the OP.

[Island Girl]

Because as a Cop you will have the power to keep guys away from her. DUH!!!

 

You should do research on why people desire to be police officers. ITs very interesting.

 

Well OP? I would like to see this research, I don't know about you.

 

Clearly this post indicates people become police officers to shield their spouses from attention. I'd like to see anything with any validity showing that to be the case.

[BCStunter.]

Well OP? I would like to see this research, I don't know about you.

 

Clearly this post indicates people become police officers to shield their spouses from attention. I'd like to see anything with any validity showing that to be the case.

 

TBH I only want to become a police officer because it's a job that is not the same every day, I'm not a desk job kind of person. I think it would be pretty cool to go to work and not know what's going to happen to you! Eventually I want to get onto the Emergency Response Team (Our canadian version of S.W.A.T, although there are different names for every police service).

 

The process is VERY VERY lengthy. The people who have personality complexes or have ego problems get weeded out before they get to the academy.

[Island Girl]

Well the way I see it is, why bother dating someone if you can't see yourself with that person down the road a few or even several years down the road? I've had enough fun and that sort of stuff over the years. I'm in the process of becoming a Police Officer so I think that it's about time that I settle down with someone.

 

Sometimes as you date someone you find the reasons why you shouldn't be together years down the road - sometimes even months or days down the road! That is why it is so important to look before you leap. Even when it comes to the investment of emotions you should be careful. Not everyone is going to handle another's with care so be selective and use time and events to let you see who that other person really is.

 

Dating is often not a quest to find what you want but a learning process to find out what you DON'T want.

 

I don't think your attitude is really necessary. I'd like to think that I've dealt with a lot more in life than your average 20 year old due to personal and family happenings. My wanting to get married to someone is a choice that I've made.

 

And to your above post, no that's not just "how I am", like I mentioned in my OP, before I started to get cheated on I really couldn't care less what my girlfriend was up to when I wasn't around and I was content just seeing her after classes for a bit.

 

I think you can see that someone flying off the handle and calling someone a "psycho" after reading one paragraph is a person dealing with their own issues as well. It is quite harsh I agree.

 

You probably are in a different category than most 20 year olds are which means, if you are dating people of the same age, it could be a lot more challenging to find a person who is ready and able to take on a serious relationship that would lead quickly to marriage and a family.

 

There are women out there who will cheat or lie. But there are men out there like that too. It doesn't mean all women are that way - just that some people are that way.

 

One of the worst mistakes you can make is holding someone accountable and responsible for the actions of another.

 

Each person can start out with a clean slate - but where they go from there is up to them. Take into account everything you see and hear. Filter the information and remain aware and do not ignore red flags or things that do not add up.

 

Well I've actually wanted to become a police officer since I was 12, and really has nothing to do with what I'm trying to say or get across. I don't even know how a broken tail light smashed up has anything to do with my girlfriend, do you expect my girlfriend to be following me while I work?

 

Admirable career.

 

I believe the indication in the post was that you would follow or harass any man giving your girlfriend attention and bust out their taillight and give them a ticket, etc.

 

Some people's perceive police officers not as peace officers who serve and protect but renegades who make their own rules and abuse their position.

 

As one of my CJ professors said, "unfortunately a few bad apples spoil it for the whole bunch".

[Island Girl]

/

No, I was suggesting there is a vast body of research that examines the psychological profile of applicants who seek employment in Law Enforcement. Much of it validates my assertion of "control". You can use Nexus etc to read loads of studies and data gathered on the topic. In summary, those who desire to be police officers inherently understand the authority and power yielded and ultimately and sadly many police officers are fired for abusing that power. The number one reason for police officers being fired: Abuse of authority and scope of state powers.

 

Much of it? Since you seem to be aware of this "vast body" of research, and claim such familiarity with said info, you wouldn't mind backing your statement up with some facts?

 

Just because the number one reason police officers are fired is abuse of authority does not justify the statement that because someone wants to be a police officer they want to abuse the position.

 

 

Sorry for the of topic OP

[BCStunter.]

Dating is often not a quest to find what you want but a learning process to find out what you DON'T want.

 

As corny as it sounds, my mother has said the same things whenever she saw that I was a bit depressed. I live on my own now across the country so I really have no family in the area to contact for advice, my mom and stepdad are really busy at work so I can't talk to them as easily, especially with the time difference.

 

I have found out that now, I won't date anyone who drinks or does drugs, and goes out clubbing. I know some people might say "Oh well, young people go out clubbing all the time". Not really, I skipped the whole phase, so did my sister. I was introduced to alchohol at a young age by my parents and it's been readily available to me whenever I wanted it...so in result, I've never been drunk once, and I have a beer maybe at social events, I usually don't finish it.

 

It's just hard finding someone that has some moral fiber.

[BCStunter.]

It's okay guys, just cool it, don't want any flame wars to happen.

[Island Girl]

As corny as it sounds, my mother has said the same things whenever she saw that I was a bit depressed. I live on my own now across the country so I really have no family in the area to contact for advice, my mom and stepdad are really busy at work so I can't talk to them as easily, especially with the time difference.

 

Well while embarking on your new career path you'll hopefully gain a bit more of a support system. Some of your fellow officers will most likely become some of the best friends you'll ever have and will be around for your lifetime.

 

I have found out that now, I won't date anyone who drinks or does drugs, and goes out clubbing. I know some people might say "Oh well, young people go out clubbing all the time". Not really, I skipped the whole phase, so did my sister.

 

Not all do but a lot do. And you never know, you may end up meeting a girl after she has gone through this phase and had her own learning experiences.

 

I was introduced to alchohol at a young age by my parents and it's been readily available to me whenever I wanted it...so in result, I've never been drunk once, and I have a beer maybe at social events, I usually don't finish it.

 

I can relate. I grew up where gambling was everywhere. It has no appeal for me at all.

 

It's just hard finding someone that has some moral fiber.

 

At your age it would be hard to find someone that holds the same ideals. But as you get older not so much. It isn't impossible just more difficult.

 

Just be prepared that it takes as long as it takes to find her. Don't rush it and remind yourself you have PLENTY of time to get married and start a family of your own.

 

I hope you learn to enjoy the looking a little bit more.

[GuerreroAzteca]

I posted just today in my own post about these sort of feelings.

 

BOY! you have had a bad time with trust I would not want to be you.

 

I just feel that when people are ready (not just the other person but yourself too ) They begin to be sincere. Something is going on that triggers insecurities for you and i'm sure it would trigger insecurities in any guy.

[BCStunter.]

It's getting a little better because I'm just trying to deal with life and not really think about it as much..it sucks and I feel bad for my girlfriend, we've talked about it the last couple of nights and shes been really understanding..its hard but ill get through it.