MizzBlue72 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 This is my first real post of my problem, and I am having one hell of a day. Having A with MM 12 years my senior. I am married too. We sort of fell into this, and just like everyone else has said previously, all the hype, etc. We thought we could keep this simple, but have discovered we have feelings for each other -- which honestly -- I don't know if this is the cloud 9 hype, or just something else. It was never our intent to leave our spouses, etc. (I pretty much know my own answer to this one -- this is dumb to have an A if no one is leaving, etc.). And I do know that my BS deserves better than this. He does not know of this A. We started this because we were both lacking items from our marriage, and instead of looking at working within the marriage to fix things, we found the emotional / physical elsewhere. Not the smartest thing to do either - this I know. He lives in a different city, so he left today. He thinks (and I agreed reluctantly) that this break will give us time to really think about things. He probably won't be back in town until 2009. I really, really hurt and I didn't think I would. I still get emails from him (he wants to see if we can be friends - which honestly - I don't think I can because it hurts to much). I love him and at the same time I hurt so bad over this that I hate him and myself. How do you communicate to the MM that you want NC and stick to it? Especially, since my H and I have an appt. next week for marriage counselling and I really want to see my marriage last, but honestly -- I hurt so bad because I am in love with 2 men. This is totally my fault -- I know it. I just can't seem to pick myself up and go on today .... :lmao::lmao: Can you please give me some advice?? The really hard part is I hurt, but I don't want this to end. Why??? I am so angry at myself -- I just don't even want to go on.
blinded Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I am in a similar situation yet there are some differences. I am not in love w/my MM. I know that it is just lust and I am hoping it will pass. Along w/the lust came a friendship. That is something that I will also miss. I envy you in that your MM wants to maintain some sort of friendship. I haven't heard from my MM for 3 days now. Although this is not really out of the norm, the last several convos we had were very serious in that I am almost certain that things are/have come to an end. You say that it would hurt too much to stay friends w/him? Well, imagine him just completely cutting off contact without any further notice. Imagine not being able to have a little joke w/him to pick you up. Imagine not getting to say any goodbyes. That is what I am going through right now. It hurts. You described it well about not being able to go on. But you have to, I have to. What else is there to do? b/c if I stop moving and keeping busy I will truly go into depression.
Holding-On Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Well you have my empathy. It really sucks when you have a connection with someone that is that strong not to be able to experience it. I'm where you are for the last few days. I think it is best to focus on things you really do love. Think about those things when you are thinking about him. Write write write it down. Burn it after if you have to. See a therapist. breath Just live minute to minute exercise a lot Also you might try "the other woman" (TOW) forums they have a whole forum for ending affairs and the women (and some men) there have excellent advice
Author MizzBlue72 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Thanks for the advice. I will try looking at the other forums to get some perspective. This website has helped a lot - especially with seeing that others out there are going through the same.
jj33 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Did you tell him you dont want him to contact you? If you did, then dont respond to his emails hard as that is. If you didnt do that now. When you are tempted to contact him just remember how badly you feel right now and remind yourself you dont ever ever want to feel this way again and the one thing you want is to get past this and get back to the way things were before the affair. Its like being on a diet or giving up smoking its will power remembering what it is that is most important to you and not giving in to the short term fix of communicating with him.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 No - I haven't told him that I don't want him to contact me. And the more I think about this -- I hurt so much -- but I WANT to contact him, and I WANT him to contact me. What is WRONG WITH ME????? I know that this can not possibly go anywhere, and even if it did, what do I want? I have NO CLUE!!!! That is one of the problems with affairs - I didn't think this through. I didn't think that this could ever happen, and now that it has happened, I want to run away from him and towards him at the same time!!!! I am SO CONFUSED!!!! And extremely angry at myself -- The best thing I can do for my life is to tell him -- do not contact me, etc. But I still check the phone, emails, etc. for him. I am still waiting and being second choice for him. What a mess I have made out of our lives . . . .
jwi71 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 How do you communicate to the MM that you want NC and stick to it? Especially, since my H and I have an appt. next week for marriage counselling and I really want to see my marriage last, but honestly -- I hurt so bad because I am in love with 2 men. This is totally my fault -- I know it. I just can't seem to pick myself up and go on today .... :lmao::lmao: Can you please give me some advice?? The really hard part is I hurt, but I don't want this to end. Why??? I am so angry at myself -- I just don't even want to go on. Some people will say, go to MC and never tell your H of your A. I see too many pitfalls there: cannot "heal" with this lie, guilt, too easy to return to the A, continued risk of discovery being the main issues. So tell him. In MC, tell your H. You may wish to call and tell your MC of the A and instruct him/her to not let you leave the session w/o a confession. Yes, it will be bad. Anger, hurt, shock...all the symptoms of a BS. But if your M is to survive, you must confess. You probably think I'm nuts right now - but what you are doing is laying the foundation for a new (renewed?) M with your H. The confession will mean the world to him down the road. Not now, but down the road. It will be something he can "hold on to". Now, give your H every piece of contact info for your lover you have. All of it. Phone numbers, email addresses, IM screen names...all of it. Block all of them. Surrender your cell phone to your H. Give up your email password and you are forbidden to access such w/o him present. Install a keylogger and let him review all logs at his whim. Your life is an open book. You have no privacy and you have to earn it back. Right now you be thinking "How in the h*ell does this help me go NC?" Isn't it obvious? You use your H. Which means you must tell him. Or was the question really "How do I go NC and keep my H in the dark?" And one more thing, if your H wants to phone up your MM - let him. If he wants to tell your lover's W - let him. If you ever choose your MM over your H - you'll lose both. Never, ever ever choose your MM over your H. You must never defend him to your spouse. Good luck. And as a BS - my W pretty much offered this to me. It really helps recovery. We would probably be divorced if she had not.
Author MizzBlue72 Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 Than you JW. I have blocked all contact with mm, deleted emails/ blocked address/ all of it. .It is done. I still have not told my H. I really want to talk to the MC first. I know that we can not heal without me doing this, but, damn. God - I don't want to hurt hjim anymore. I deleted all accts., and notified mm of the NC intent. I knwo I am doing this backwrads - but I have not clue what I am doing. I cried all day because I knew I had to do this. This is my fault - and I take full responsibility, so now I need to gather the courage to tell H. I am scared to death that he will leave me. But I want to rebuild my relationship/
lkjh Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 You should tell your H before you meet with MC, that way the session is effective. He may leave and you need to be ready for that. You did act in a very selfish way by only worrying about your own needs and not your H's.
signedin2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Especially, since my H and I have an appt. next week for marriage counselling and I really want to see my marriage last, but honestly -- I hurt so bad because I am in love with 2 men. This is totally my fault -- I know it. It is time at to come clean to your husband under while you're both in the presense of the counselor. It's the right thing to do and you need to be honest to have any chance to have a good marriage again. If you don't, there is always a wall between you and your husband within this marriage.
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Agreed...don't go in and tell your counselor FIRST. Go in...and come clean with BOTH your H and your counselor at the same time. It'll be the first step towards actually fixing things. You'll hurt, you'll cry, you'll be ashamed/guilty/scared... ...and even though your H will come out of that devestated, you'll actually coming out feeling just a little bit better about things. Because, deep down...you know you can't do ANYTHING to fix things until this is out in the open. Taking this first step...ending the lies and the hiding...will be your FIRST, REAL step towards actually doing something to help your marriage. When is your next MC session?
Recommended Posts