H0ney Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Hi all, I have a very irritating problem. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years now. We are in a very committed, loving relationship. We are both still in our early twenties, and college students. I have had my own apartment for a while now and have worked numerous local waitressing jobs. However, the places I work at are not the types of places people are going out to eat at (with the economy being so bad). I'm thinking about going back to a bar that I used to hostess at, only this time, to be a waitress. My boyfriend did not like when I was a hostess there but he dealt with it. And, I still talk to some girls that waitress there and they make mad money. I AM SICK OF BEING BROKE!!! And literally living dollar to dollar, even sometimes having to take bottles and change back to feed myself. I work so many shifts a week on top of school and I hate it. My boyfriend seriously dismisses the idea of me working in a "bar" atomosphere (I work in a family restaurant right now) and I do not understand why. I have the potential to make a lot of money but because of him, I work 2 jobs for less than 100 dollars a week-- whereas, if I worked in a bar I could probably make 75-100 a NIGHT!! How do I get across to him that there are plenty of woman working in bars who have serious boyfriends? And that it is a JOB and I would not be whoring myself out?!? HELP! Link to post Share on other sites
Vertex Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 Honestly, you should just go for the job. If you can improve your own financial well-being, then by all means, do so. If your boyfriend has some sort of insecurity over this, let him be mad then. It's clear you're after a better financial situation, and not aiming to whore yourself out in some way. What you want here is, in my opinion, a very reasonable request, and your boyfriend needs to understand and respect this. I know what it's like to "live from dollar to dollar" -- it's really, really hard. Luckily, I had an opportunity to start making some money, and I took it. Life's been better ever since. Your boyfriend can't expect you to be satisfied with two jobs that make substantially less and force you into a stressful situation. Let him whine over it if he has to. If he cares for you, he will understand that your current situation is not a very stable solution at all, and will support your wish to go make some better money. Unless you have a past of being unfaithful, I see no reason why you should sacrifice your well-being for your boyfriend's insecure whim. I wouldn't talk to the boyfriend seeking his approval -- I'd talk to him justifying why you're going to take the job. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 He's afraid with all the men you'll meet at the bar, that you'll eventually meet one you like better than him. He's afraid you'll dump him. And, he'll be jealous the whooooooole time you're working there, because he'll be worrying about the guys you might be meeting right at that minute. As a hostess, you don't get to know the people as well as you do when they're at your table. The guys don't get to know you as they're drinking, don't flirt, don't give you the big tips...you have a lot more interaction with the guys when you're serving them. Suggest giving it a try for 3 months and then if it's not working out well, you'll look at other alternatives. But go for the cash that you can get during the holiday drinking/party season! Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted October 31, 2008 Share Posted October 31, 2008 He's afraid with all the men you'll meet at the bar, that you'll eventually meet one you like better than him. He's afraid you'll dump him. And, he'll be jealous the whooooooole time you're working there, because he'll be worrying about the guys you might be meeting right at that minute. As a hostess, you don't get to know the people as well as you do when they're at your table. The guys don't get to know you as they're drinking, don't flirt, don't give you the big tips...you have a lot more interaction with the guys when you're serving them. Suggest giving it a try for 3 months and then if it's not working out well, you'll look at other alternatives. But go for the cash that you can get during the holiday drinking/party season! Its kinda funny. If you meet a girl who happens to work at a bar, you're okay with it. If you meet a girl and then after getting to know her, she wants to try this new job - its not okay. We guys like our women to not change. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Unless he's gonna pay your bills, he doesn't have much business telling you not to do this. And, by the way, I have found that when guys are scared you're going to meet a better guy somewhere, it's often because it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Maybe try to convince him that if you only have to work one job it'll free up more time for the two of you? There's really not much you can do because this is his thing. I agree with whoever said that unless he's going to pay your way he really just needs to back off. Don't put what you want to do on hold because he's not okay with it. It's your life. You should enjoy it more and burn yourself out less whenever possible. Being strapped for cash is stressful. He should want you to be happier. And he should want you to be able to have more free time. That's what I call being in a loving relationship. Right now he's being immature, insecure and very selfish IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 He sounds like a very insecure man. You need to respect him but make the choice that is best for you. And maybe he needs to learn to show you respect and trust that you don't do anything out of line. He will need alot of reassurance. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I'm sure you wouldn't be comfortable with him working at a place where women were potentially all over him, or even making passes at him all night. I think you should work where you want to work, but I also think you need to acknowledge that his concerns are understandable. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Explain to him that you want to work at this other job because the pay is better. He sounds like he is concerned with your being hit on by bar customers. If it's a Roadhouse or some redneck bar or Hooters I'd understand his concern. He should be more aware that it's about money and not about having other guys hit on you. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 OP, take the job and continue to be the responsible and trusted person that you are. You can't control his feelings or reactions. All you can do is behave in a way which you find honorable and in keeping with your personal beliefs. I'll assume that's the person he's attracted to. What happens will indicate to you whether he's a man you wish to continue with or not. I wish you well Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I'm sure you wouldn't be comfortable with him working at a place where women were potentially all over him, or even making passes at him all night. I think you should work where you want to work, but I also think you need to acknowledge that his concerns are understandable. I like how you put the OP in the other person's shoes. It really puts things into perspective in a relationship I've noticed in past relationships where we've 'put one person in the other's shoes' it created huge fights - which is an obvious red flag that the person you are with is not good for you. Back to the thread... Given the OP's situation, assuming that she is sincerely looking for work that makes more money, I think she just needs to sit down and reassure him of this. Hopefully they have some memories of times where they gave and received each others trust. Link to post Share on other sites
V.Vixen Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 He clearly has trust issues. It is a job. If he is secure in your relationship then it shouldn't matter WHO you meet or WHERE you meet them. Basically, it isn't an issue with you at all. It is his own issue. If I were you I would tell him that, though I respect his opinion, I am still going to work there. If he can't trust you to do a JOB of being a waitress then he has bigger issues. Then again, this is why I am still single. I don't stand for much, am hard headed, and I most certainly wouldn't let someone tell me how I can or can't earn my living. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 He clearly has trust issues. It is a job. If he is secure in your relationship then it shouldn't matter WHO you meet or WHERE you meet them. Basically, it isn't an issue with you at all. It is his own issue. If I were you I would tell him that, though I respect his opinion, I am still going to work there. If he can't trust you to do a JOB of being a waitress then he has bigger issues. Then again, this is why I am still single. I don't stand for much, am hard headed, and I most certainly wouldn't let someone tell me how I can or can't earn my living. I agree with the whole "its just a job" argument, assuming that is the sole reason for her geting the job. On an unrelated note - if you were my gf, would you be okay with me meeting my best female friend, who says she loves me (but its nothing romatic...and we've been through some really tough times together) for a private birthday party just for me only and at her house, possible overnight? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Or maybe BF work at a club known to have a lot of female patrons? I think that would be a better quid pro quo. My bet is she'd have no problem with that... Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 My bet is she'd have no problem with that... Nice. I'm gonna do it. And if she asks, I'm just gonna say that Carhill from sunny socal said I could. Just kidding, of course. On a serious note, I hope the OP has the time to sit down with her man and re-assure him of her situation. Hopefully it will work out. Let us know Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 LOL, make it rainy CenCal so she can lob her H bomb in the proper direction Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 LOL, make it rainy CenCal so she can lob her H bomb in the proper direction The F-bomb will probably preceed the H-bomb, plenty of warning, plenty of time to scatter...lol Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 Cool....a few F-bombs might get me interested in sex again, so my wife will stay out of bars Link to post Share on other sites
V.Vixen Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 I agree with the whole "its just a job" argument, assuming that is the sole reason for her geting the job. On an unrelated note - if you were my gf, would you be okay with me meeting my best female friend, who says she loves me (but its nothing romatic...and we've been through some really tough times together) for a private birthday party just for me only and at her house, possible overnight? I would think I would be invited to a birthday aprty for my boyfriend, no? Regardless, I am not talking about someone she knows here, I am talking about strangers. It is human nature to talk to, and (GASP!) look at people of the opposite sex. It's all about trusting your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted November 1, 2008 Share Posted November 1, 2008 ...How do I get across to him that there are plenty of woman working in bars who have serious boyfriends? And that it is a JOB and I would not be whoring myself out?!? HELP! First, let me tell you to not to just listen to the nay sayers and down talkers of your boyfriend's feelings about where you work. But, to put yourself in his shoes. You are right there are a LOT of men AND women willing to put up with or don't care where their wife or girlfriends work. And there are a LOT of men AND women who do want to put in their own thoughts and feelings about where the love of their lives work. Some DO do it as a form of control. Some DO do it because of the image that could and will be seen by him, others about you and where you work. Some DO do it because certain fears are there (warrented or not). There is usually a better light spotted on women who work in a family restaurant than a bar. There are certain acts less commited on women in a family restaurant than a bar. There maybe a certain dress code required by certain establishments. That's not to also include the difference of dangers that are more prevalent in bars than usually encountered at family resturants. Some men AND women would probably prefer to be poor than put their loved ones in a place of emotional comfort for themselves and/or for that loved one. For example, I would not want to hear from my girlfriend or wife that another customer groped her because she worked at a bar. I would let her know how I feel about it and let her make up her own mind, but she can't expect me to have certain sympathizes afterwards, because she prefers to put herself in that danger. It would be like me being a cop and come home complaining everyday about how my uniform is, eventual I would expect my girlfriend/wife to drown me out because it is a choice I made, and if I am should be big enough to put up with it because it is a choice I made for my/our life. This is why people won't date certain people based on their employment local. So, his not wanting you to work at a bar may or may not have to do with anything negative at all. Maybe he saw something about your situation that he only put up with while you were there and was relieved to not have to deal with it once you left. Now, a question for you, would your mind if your boyfriend decided it was more money for him to work in a profession you would not want him to work in? For example, like a bartender where women are known to hit on them or as a policeman or even joining the service? Now if there are certain employment locations you would not want him to work because of your fears or dislikes of it... Don't get made or upset at him because he has the same ideas and feelings. Now what you have to determine is what is more important at this juncture? Are you willing to throw away a two year relationship over money or are you willing to try and find another job that he might be comfortable with because you love him? DNR Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 I would think I would be invited to a birthday aprty for my boyfriend, no? . You might be invited to a birthday aprty, but surely you'd be invited to a birthday party. Regardless, I am not talking about someone she knows here, I am talking about strangers. It is human nature to talk to, and (GASP!) look at people of the opposite sex. It's all about trusting your partner. Agreed. Nothing wrong with looking at people of the opposite sex . Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted November 2, 2008 Share Posted November 2, 2008 Cool....a few F-bombs might get me interested in sex again, so my wife will stay out of bars Never been married, so I'll take your word for it. Link to post Share on other sites
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