Need desperate guidance unscrambling my head

[SarahT111]

Hi all

 

This post may not make any sense to you. Infact what I am going though and feeling doesn't make a lot of sense to me but im am going to try my best in the hope that someone will understand and help me.

 

To begin with I was with my 1st bf for 2 years. He was very very affectionate and very attention giving. I was always his first priority and I was very very happy with him. So of course when I found out he had been constantly cheating behind my back I was destroyed. He ran off one day out of the blue with another girl and never talked to me again.

It was the hardest thing I have ever had to go though in my life. I couldnt get myself together and I put my own life in danger many times as I got to low.

 

Anyway 1 year later here I am again,feeling low and unhappy. But I really have no reason to. I have been with my new bf now for about 2.5 months. however I have spend those 2.5 months in pain and crying most of the time. He is a good guy but so very different from my first bf. Firstly we are in a LD relationship. He is about 5 hours away.

He doesn't give me very much attention and I find it very hard to get things out of him. He likes space and doesn't often tell me how hes feeling.

 

 

Anyway for the time I have been with him I have just been so sad and depressed for no reason. I thought everything would be ok now and life would return to normal but thats not the way at all.

The differences he has to my ex makes me think he doesnt care.

I go days without communication from him and it smashes my heart and I DONT KNOW WHY! I hate not hearing from him, it makes me so sad and lonely. I worry all day and freak out that he is cheating or he has gone off me. I never voice this but the feelings ruin my day to day life. Im constantly terrified and worried to the point where it reduces me to tears every day.

 

Yesterday my current bf told me he wouldnt be able to see me for a good two months as he is to busy with work and training. He said it killed him to not see me but the ball was in my court weither I wanted to carry on or not. Of course it broke my heart very much and I felt like he had just dumped me. He said he really likes me but he can see hes hurting me and it kills him so the decision is mine and he wont get angry. He said he can wait for me but aslong as he knows hes with me.

Are these good things so say? I dont really understand!

Here I am this morning waking up with one massive heavy heart, but why? I have a nice bf and shouldnt I be happy?!

 

I dont understand myself at all and im fully aware this post makes little if no sense, but if just one person can understand a tiny bit of this jumble and help me sort my head out I would be forever appreciative!

 

I WANT to make my relationship work and I really have little reason to be so sad and upset all the time so please help me!

 

 

Please help me sort myself out. Im aware people reading this may think im very selfish and I am very sorry. I dont want to feel like this and I have no idea what is wrong with me. Please dont voice angry replies, i am very down at the moment and just need some help

 

Please reply if you can help me!

[alwayssme]

Hey...sorry to hear you're going through this. First let me say that what your ex did to you is MESSED UP and that although it's completely understandable to feel sad, you should be more ANGRY than sad. i understand you having trouble and being scared to trust your new boyfriend. You have been hurt before, you have all the rights to not trust 100%. One thing I can tell you is that there are alot of people who go through what you're going through. I'm going through a break up right now and it's tough but I have realized that I can't let other people control my life and my happiness. LDR can be hard, I would suggest NOT to take things too seriously so soon. He's your boyfriend, be good to him, have fun but don't necessarily depend on him for your happiness. Relying on a man to make you happy is setting yourself up for heartbreak. Trust me, i spent 2 years of my life with my ex who was amazing to me, untill one day he up and left because he just "didn't want to be with me anymore". Now he's living his life without me and as much as i love him, there is nothing i can do about it. I made him my everything (literally) and when he left, it felt like i had nothing. It's been three months and I'm still struggling but you have to put yourself first. It's very hard but you should NEVER rely on someone else for your happiness! Be happy on your own and then share that with someone who is worth it Hope I helped a little! Best wishes to you!

[SarahT111]

Thanks alwaysme for your response!

Im glad someone could make sense of my mindless jumble!

I defiantly learnt from my first relationship not to put everthing into one person. I gave up EVERYTHING and when he left I had nothing, seriously nothing.

Well I have come a very very long way since then I lost about 15kilos from pure heartache but have kept it off a year later. I now have friends and really fantasitc ones. I completed the 2nd year of my degree with good marks and I won a national title for my sport.

I worked soooooooooooooooooooooooooo hard for all of it. What I went through with him made me a different person!

 

I really want to put all my hard work into having an awesome new relationship however I ruin it with my constant fears and insecurities.

Since I have been in a relationship I feel like im going back to the old me. I sad and grumpy and crying all the time and I dont understand why! I want to be the girl he fell for in the first place but I have changed and I dont understand why

 

I hate the fact that it is LD and that he cant see me for me over two months as hes to busy! It really depresses me.

Im so used to have been with someone who showers me with attention and compliments and who was always there to someone who who is the exact opposite!

 

But like I said I dont even understand me, but thanks for your help. def made me feel a bit better! I will try my best to relax and have a bit of fun!

[orangehose]

Hi Sarah,

I think it's understandable that your new relationship is causing you distress. I know it's only a few months in and it's an LDR, but if you feel like you're not getting much attention, or he goes days without contacting you in any way, it's quite understandable that you'd feel confused or upset about it.

 

I also think the "well it's up to you if you want to continue" is a pretty distressing thing to hear, because it sounds so indifferent. When guys have told me that in the past, it hasn't been a good sign... Even if he can't see you in person for practical reasons, he should be able to muster up a bit more enthusiasm about continuing the relationship. Of course, I may be taking his phrase out of context, so ignore this if I'm misinterpreting.

 

Is there any way you could let him know that you want to hear from him every day, even if it's just a text message or two? I think that would go a long way in helping you feel cared about... If he's not fulfilling your needs, which sound pretty reasonable to me, you should feel free to bring up these concerns with him. It's not all in your head.

[D-Lish]

I'd be really unhappy if my supposed boyfriend told me that it was "up to me" whether we continued seeing one another! One needs to feel more important than that in order to feel secure in a relationship.

 

How serious do you consider your relationship to be? Going that long without communication doesn't sound like something I'd want to be involved in. There is texting, msn, e-mail.... besides the phone!

 

Not sure what that's all about, but I wouldn't be happy (or feeling secure) in your position.

 

What do you want out of this or any relationship?

At some point you're going to have to decide that and accept his terms or not. I vote not...