M3mphisSaint Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Hey all, new poster, been lurking now for a week or so. I wish I had found this site sooner. Obviously I’m dealing with a break up as all of you are. My ex gf and I split back in May, problem is there was no clean break, she kept calling me everyday talking like almost nothing had happened. Even saying lets get back together. I told her no that I was still confused, etc. I knew if we jumped right back in we would be right where we were in a couple of weeks. We start to quit talking as much, though we decided to go have dinner one night and just see how we felt, she acted like a bitch and was stand offish the whole time. I said, you haven’t let go and while you are like this we clearly can’t be together. Quit talking again. June rolls around, see each other a couple times, still kinda the same thing. I begin to wonder if maybe I missed my window back in May when she was wanting to get back together. July comes, hang out on the fourth, have a good time all weekend. We actually start hanging out from there on a few weekends in a row. Then in mid July we were hanging out and bam huge fight, I basically told her I felt like she was harboring all these bad feelings toward me and if she couldn’t get passed things we had no future. So then we quit talking, I decided I was done. Went pretty much went through August without any contact, she sent me a text one night saying she was thinking about me, I figured it was drunk texting, so I called her the next day and asked her not to do that again unless she was sure and meant it. Didn’t hear from her after that. September rolls around and I’m feeling better, or starting to anyway, well I run into her on accident one night at a bar in town and bam, I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest, she called me later that night on my way home and we talked, she said she wanted to get together the next day. I agreed. Well we were downtown at a festival walking around and I bump into two girls I am friends with, my ex bolts in the other direction as I am going to introduce her, I look back and she is gone. After saying hello to my friends I walk over to where she was standing and I say, why did you run off? She said, I don’t want to meet your girlfriends. I said, are you serious, are you kidding me? That is so and so’s wife, and their good friend who has a boyfriend, and did you not notice the baby stroller? I was stunned. Now the reason my ex didn’t know these people is because since our breakup I have had to basically regroup and try to reconnect with old friends, etc. When I moved here I didn’t really know anyone, I had old friends here but when I moved here I immediately started dating my ex instead of connecting with friends and getting a core group of friends, which is what I should have done. Anyway, after the incident she says she is going home, I say, fine. I offer to drive her back to my house to her car and she says no she will get a cab. I said that’s crazy I will drive you, we went back and forth and finally I said fine take the cab. About 20 minutes later I get a text saying I found a cab, as if you cared. I’m thinking, what? I offered 20 times to take her to her car. What are you supposed to do with that? I don’t remember how I responded, I think it was just a whatever or something, I was so mad/frustrated. That was the last time I have seen her. Moving on… A few days later I made a couple of attempts via text to talk to her, she seems at this point to all but hate me. So I give up, have been NC over a month now, wish I would have never contacted her. I feel like a chump. It’s like somehow in the start of all this I had the power and it somehow got switched along the way, like she is fine and I am not. I just wish I had gone NC all the way back in May and I would be almost 6 months out of the woods by now. I am doing a lot better, have no intentions of speaking to her, I just want her out of my head. The irony in all this is when we first started hanging out I was telling her I didn’t want a relationship, and now a year later it seems the shoe is on the other foot. Today kinda sucks because her good friend is getting married down in New Orleans tomorrow and I was supposed to be there, we had our costumes picked out for tonight months ago. Knowing she is having a blast and I really don’t have much going on sucks. I did bump into her friend the other day, the one getting married, she told me my ex is not seeing anyone she is just working on herself, blah blah blah, I check her facebook often, something I shouldn’t do, and it is set to single. That was longer than I intended…
lofi_tokyo Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 It sounds to me like when you and your ex went to that festival and got together, she had incredibly high expectations. You dumped her, so clearly she felt she had to set some standards, but maybe she set them to a fault - you couldn't understand why she was behaving so strangely. My best guess would be she was hoping for or waiting for some sort of immaculate apology, and beyond that, was hoping that instead of getting angry with her crazy actions, you would be compassionate enough to get beyond her actions and see the woman inside that was hurting deeply. Its a shame she expressed herself in a way that was very difficult to understand, and I don't blame you for getting frustrated with her actions, I'm just trying to explain - I think she was feeling a lot of hurt and didn't know how to express it other than by behaving badly and hoping you would chase after her and let her feel her pain. Anyways, on to now! I honestly doubt she hates you. In fact, I am sure she doesn't. What is more likely is while she still has feelings for you, she has come to realize that there were problems in the relationship that are just too hard to fix, and she is trying now, as hard as I am sure it is for her, to move on. Shes working on herself so that she can be free from you someday, and learn to love again. That does not mean she hates you, it does not mean she does not care, but it means she is human, and you gave her 3 months to come to terms with the breakup - and now, even if part of her wants you back, she has detoxified herself enough off love to see the problems in your relationship objectively. Maybe in a year or so you and her will be able to talk candidly, when all the pain is gone, but for now both of you need to do your own healing. Go NC, learn from this experience, and learn to love again. I'm really sorry the tables have turned, but in a way, I am happy for both of you, because maybe now, finally, you can both begin to move on.
Author M3mphisSaint Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Well here is the thing, I just kind of broad stroked things. But here are some more things that lead to huge problems. Early on when we were dating, maybe 3 months in she was pushing for marriage, I found this odd. She was telling me she loved me very early on as well. When we did get to the point of talking marriage she told me she wanted a 2 carat center stone, I said, well you know I have my grandmother's ring that I am going to have reset. She said, well I guess I was "secretly" hoping you would get me something else. Toss in also the fact she had herpes, I only found out because I stumbled over her valtrex one day. Imagine how that went over with me. I don't have it, Thank GOD I escaped without that. She also had intimacy issues, she said all her boyfriends in the past cheated on her, I can see why. Her father beat the crap out of her when she was a kid. I have done alot of reading about codependents and she fits it to a tee. Don't get me wrong I did my fair share in it as well. But for some reason I carry the guilt and she seems to not feel ownership at all. Everytime I think of her, I should just tell myself, Herpes dude.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Already it sounds like you know you're better off without her so... thats one step down the road to healing!
Author M3mphisSaint Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Well what about the ring thing and the hiding the Herpes thing, is that not 2 HUGE red flags?
lofi_tokyo Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Yeah they definitely are. That's why I'm saying its good you're seeing them. They should give you motivation to move on. Those alone wont get you by, they'll definitely help in healing and realizing shes not worth your time.
fabulousgal Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 I in no way condone her not telling you she has herpes.... "Everytime I think of her, I should just tell myself, Herpes dude. " That is just a horrible thing to say. She is not herpes. 1 in 5 adults have herpes. Chances are you will date someone again, maybe you won't sleep with them, that has herpes. Chances are someone in your extended family has this or one of your friends. I think you believe your family or friends deserve love and intimacy. Other than that, she sounds like she would benefit from some therapy...and can't be a stable partner until she works on herself a bit. Now you just know a little better what to look for in a partner (who will have their own unique set of issues I guarantee ). Take care.
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