For men who have been cheated on...

[Just Desserts]

I'm not sure what I'm seeking here, but I suppose I just need some perspective from men who have been cheated on. My story is rather convoluted, so I'll try just to stick to the basics.

 

Two years ago my husband became addicted to online pornography. He had dozens, if not hundreds, of online "affairs". He was in a downward spiral for a long time, even once requesting to meet an escort in another city. (He says he didn't actually go through with it, and I believe him.) Three months ago, he became involved in an affair with a woman he worked with. It lasted one month before I confronted them, and he ended it. He is genuinely remorseful, ashamed and wanting change in his life. He willingly attends MC, and we are both committed to making our marriage work, and not just for the sake of our children. We truly do love each other. Forgiveness was not difficult to give because I do know he's a good man who made mistakes. Still, like any woman, I have had a great deal of difficulty dealing with the emotional aspect of their relationship, and I have hurt more than it is possible to put into words over thinking of all the hours, days and nights they spent together. I say this only to explain that the hurt is still very real to me, despite my love and forgiveness.

 

Now, to my transgression. What I did not tell my husband at the revelation of his affair was that I, too, had a sexual relationship outside of my marriage. It was a one-night stand with a man I have had no contact with since. It happened a year ago, when our marriage had begun to deteriorate and neither of us was stepping up to make it better. I did not realize, of course, that my husband was already deeply mired in online pornography. I only knew how miserable we both were. It was both of our faults for being unwilling to set selfishness aside, and both of us are paying for it now.

 

I did not confess when my husband was caught for so many reasons. One of the most compelling reasons was I didn't want to give him an excuse to run back to a woman he believed he had feelings for. I knew I would have to tell him eventually; he was so emotionally fragile, as was I at that time, that it simply was not the right time.

 

Last night became the time.

 

I explained that it happned one time, I had no lingering emotions for that man, I have had no contact with him (he lives in another state), and even the physical act itself held no pleasure for me. I am answering his questions as honestly as I can, with as little detail as he lets me, and he says he will find a way to forgive me so we can move forward.

 

Now, anyone who wishes to put me on the fire for my actions is welcome. I have no defenses, no justifications. I can only say I am truly remorseful and wanting to never, ever travel this dark and twisted path again. Being on both the giving and receiving end of infidelity is the last place I could ever have imagined I would be.

 

But what I am really seeking is counsel from the men who have been in my husband's place. From those men who have tried to forgive their wives. Is it possible? Did you ever look at her again and see the woman you loved, and not the woman who had betrayed you? And how can I make this easier for him?

 

Your help and advice is greatly appreciated.

[Owl]

First off, realize that for him, this did NOT happen a year ago.

 

It happened last night.

 

The fact that it was hidden and lied about (by omission) only compounds the problem...it doesn't make this any less of a crisis for him at all, by any means.

 

He's not going to have your same perspective (of a year removed from the event) that you have. You've had a year to process this...for him, its brand new, fresh, and devestating.

 

He may never heal from this...that's a reality that you'll have to face.

 

But...he might also well recover from this too...with time and effort on both sides.

 

Marriage counseling...NOW. Get one who can help you both work through the damage you've done to each other. One who understands how to heal a marriage from infidelity...someone who's "marriagebuilders" based would do you a lot of good.

 

Pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

[Just Desserts]

We chose our marriage counselor because of his approach to infidelity. We attend once or twice a week already; I've called this morning to go in because now I can talk about what I've done. I was afraid to reveal it to the MC before I told my husband because I didn't want my husband to feel betrayed that the MC knew and didn't tell him.

 

You're absolutely right about our perspectives being far off from each other. I have had this year to process so much, but not telling him has been so painful and difficult. That's pitiful, I realize, that it hurt me not to tell when it hurts him infinitely more that I did it in the first place.

 

Thank you for your book recommendation. I've read so many books, including "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley, but not the one you mentioned. I will pick it up.

[Owl]

What prompted you to choose an MC based on their approach to infidelity, when neither of you had confessed to an affair?

 

Or do you both view his addiction as infidelity?

 

Just curious.

[Just Desserts]

Oh, my husband had been caught in the affair before we began marriage counseling, although I do consider his online relationships affairs as well.

 

I began to suspect his infidelity within the week it began. It took a month before I felt sure enough in my suspicions to confront him. He denied it, of course, but I knew in my heart he was cheating. Finally, he confessed. The revelations about the online affairs came slowly trickling out after that. I was shattered. Broken. The sexual affair was hard enough; that he had mistaken lust for love was almost too much to bear.

 

I called until I found a MC who approached infidelity and porn addiction from a perspective of hope and reconcilliation. I respect everyone's right to an opinion on where to go after infidelity, but in our case, the infidelity was a symptom -- not the problem. Circumstances in our lives and our childish selfishness about who got to resent the other one more led to our behavior. I did not feel my marriage was irretrievably broken. It was simply broken down, and hopefully, we could rebuild it into something better.

 

The pain of his infidelity shook me in a way that I never would have expected. It stripped away so much of what was keeping me from being the wife I should have been, and made me want to be a woman he deserves. I don't say that in a "I'm a doormat" way. Rather, I was guilty of putting myself or my children ahead of our marriage so often -- I had helped create the circumstances under which he sought out another woman. As he had done with me.

 

I am hoping he will come to see my infidelity in the same way. But I can't control how he's going to feel. I do, however, want to help him as he moves through it.

[Dexter Morgan]

I did not confess when my husband was caught for so many reasons. One of the most compelling reasons was I didn't want to give him an excuse to run back to a woman he believed he had feelings for. I knew I would have to tell him eventually; he was so emotionally fragile, as was I at that time, that it simply was not the right time.

 

Last night became the time.

 

I explained that it happned one time, I had no lingering emotions for that man, I have had no contact with him (he lives in another state), and even the physical act itself held no pleasure for me.

 

uh huh:rolleyes:

 

 

I am answering his questions as honestly as I can, with as little detail as he lets me, and he says he will find a way to forgive me so we can move forward.

 

Now, anyone who wishes to put me on the fire for my actions is welcome. I have no defenses, no justifications. I can only say I am truly remorseful and wanting to never, ever travel this dark and twisted path again. Being on both the giving and receiving end of infidelity is the last place I could ever have imagined I would be.

 

But what I am really seeking is counsel from the men who have been in my husband's place. From those men who have tried to forgive their wives. Is it possible?

 

In my opinion, no. Men may forgive, but the scar lasts a lifetime. And I think too many people forgive for the wrong reasons.

 

In your case, since you both cheated(and yes, I believe online affairs is cheating), its a different story. I would think if I cheated, that I would really have to forgive a cheating wife because I was no better.

 

But since I don't cheat and didn't in the marriage, the answer to the question is no. Cheating to me is unforgivable. And thats why I divorced her.

 

 

Did you ever look at her again and see the woman you loved and not the woman who had betrayed you?

 

No, as one other person described it here, all I could see was the word "cheater" written across her forehead.

 

 

And how can I make this easier for him?

 

Nothing really. You two might decide to stay together and everything may get back to normal a little. But deep down for the rest of his life, he will always imagine his wife screwing another guy. he will just choose to bottle it up.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am hoping he will come to see my infidelity in the same way.

 

he is definitely no better with the type of cheating he has engaged in.

 

But you actually had another guy in you. That is a major difference. Not saying this to get to you, but this may very well be the way he sees it whether he admits it or not.

[Just Desserts]

My husband cheated in real life, as well. It wasn't just online. And unlike my experience, he had great pleasure. Over and over and over again.

 

I'm sure you have known of women who did not experience great pleasure on their first sexual encounter with someone. Since my husband is the only other man I had ever slept with, and since this man knew nothing of what pleases me personally, and since my own guilt was stronger than any lust -- no, I didn't get any sexual satisfaction. It was the equivalent of sticking a hairbrush in my ear. And just as uncomfortable.

 

I certainly understand your feelings that cheating is unforgivable. The pain is something no one deserves. For me, forgiving my husband is possible because I view it as a mistake that a good person made, and not as a pattern of behavior of a bad person. I can read from your posts how painful your experience must have been; I certainly can understand how you must view me.

 

Thank you for your thoughts.

[reservoirdog1]

he is definitely no better with the type of cheating he has engaged in.

 

But you actually had another guy in you. That is a major difference. Not saying this to get to you, but this may very well be the way he sees it whether he admits it or not.

Yes, but he had his dick in another woman.

 

I think the best thing to do is to be genuinely remorseful, but don't let him off the hook either. You both screwed up. Frankly, neither of you is entitled to be on a high horse, or required to shoulder a greater share of the blame.

 

In a perverse way, perhaps that's the best position to have to approach something like this -- you're both guilty of the transgression.

[Dexter Morgan]

I certainly understand your feelings that cheating is unforgivable. The pain is something no one deserves. For me, forgiving my husband is possible because I view it as a mistake that a good person made, and not as a pattern of behavior of a bad person.

 

cheating is not a mistake. a stupid line of behavior maybe, but a mistake? no.

 

 

I can read from your posts how painful your experience must have been; I certainly can understand how you must view me.

 

not just you, I view your husband the same way. So now I realize he cheated IRL too ( sorry, missed that part in your first post ), and many times. How is many times "over and over and over again" a mistake?

 

he did it because he wanted to do it. And you stayed with him because you think he is a good person. So if he cheats again in the future, you will still see him as a good person and forgive again?

[Dexter Morgan]

Frankly, neither of you is entitled to be on a high horse, or required to shoulder a greater share of the blame.

 

I agree

 

 

In a perverse way, perhaps that's the best position to have to approach something like this -- you're both guilty of the transgression.

 

Yes, and if it happens again in the future, the marriage should be disolved.

 

Otherwise how many more times will either of them put up with it if they are suppose to be remorseful and working on the marriage?

[Just Desserts]

I have been very aware not to be on any "high horse" throughout our time between the discovery of his affair and the disclosure of my own. I am just as guilty. It has been a fine line of letting him see my emotional pain and not lashing out at him as an adulterer when I had done the same.

 

I suppose, Dexter, that the crux of the discussion could come down to what defines a "good" person. My definition and yours could differ greatly. Were my husband to cheat again, after seeing the emotional devastation it has caused for me, no, I probably wouldn't be able to stay. Then it would be a pattern of behavior. But I still wouldn't necessarily see him as a bad person. I am simply of the opinion that goodness is not defined that easily.

 

I have no fears about my doing it again. It was the dumbest, least productive, most destructive thing I could have done in my life.

[reservoirdog1]

My point in making the "high horse" comment was to emphasize that you shouldn't take shyt from him over what you did, OR give him shyt for what he did. And he should be similarly guided. If you can both do that, effectively "start at zero", and focus not on what happened in the past but on how to make the future better, then this could work out.

 

And yes, I agree with Dexter -- if either of you cheat again, the marriage should end.

[jmargel]

Is it possible? Did you ever look at her again and see the woman you loved, and not the woman who had betrayed you? And how can I make this easier for him?

 

Mine happened to me a couple of months after the wedding, she said no physical contact happened, however part of me doesn't believe it since it was with an ex-bf.

 

As for your question. My situation happened 4 years ago. I forgave but I could never forget. Thoughts of the betrayal are still there, though not as often or as intense as they used to be. It's like being cut bad with a knife, though the wound is healed the scar is still there.

 

As for making it easier for him, you can't. Just like he couldn't with you. The bond that kept you two together, the bond that seperated you from the rest of the population was cut. Lies, deception, hurt has seeped into your marriage. The best you can do is learn from it and concentrate on the future.

 

Miscommunication and the lack of communication is often the starting block to problems that esclate to situations like yours.

[You'reasian]

I find it interesting that the OP, presumably female, said that cheating gave her no pleasure since human beings tend to move away from pain and toward pleasure, with the exception being delayed gratification.

[Just Desserts]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean. Yes, I was trying to move away from my pain and obviously I hoped that the infidelity would bring me pleasure. It simply didn't. Not physically, emotionally or spiritually. It was as devoid of pleasure as any act could be.

 

I had betrayed everything of value to me, including my own morals. No fun in that, as it turned out. I'm sure everyone's experience is different. This was mine.

[fingersniffer]

heres what it is for me...

 

My wife had an affair, she chose to go and screw another man. So each night I am laying next to a cheater (we are in the middle of some pretty intensive MC and its getting us somewhere) but she is another one of them. No matter what she says about it being a mistacke (one that continued for ages and ages, even after I found out and she was all full of remorese and so on) and now its over... well shes like a born again saint.

 

but no matter how many times she tries to xplain to me why or how she ended up with another man inside her (again - I got that "the physical side meant nothing to me BS. So what? was she doing the guy a favor?) thats all I see... another man inside my wife.

 

Now dont get me wrong, I dont own her and shes as free as a bird to do pretty much anything that she wants to damn well do, but she and I made a vow to each other to love, honor and cherish, before all others and foresaking all others. I think that my wife may have crossed her fingers for some of that bit.

But she promised:

to honor me,

to respect me,

to love me,

to not screw anyone else.

 

And where did that go? with the condoms in the trash after she was finished screwing him.

 

So what do I want? I want my old life back, where when our kids call around for thanksgiving we are ok, where there are no very very obvoius tensions in the room, where my wife breaks down pretty much weekly crying telling me how much she loves me and how sorry she truely is.

 

I want to wake up next to the person I promised so much too, the person I loved when I found out that she didnt love me, the person that I trusted, that I'm not sure if I will ever trust like that again.

 

I want to break the other guy into tiny tiny bits, because nobody had the right to step into my life like he did, but I wont because I know I'd go to jail on his behalf. And he isnt worth that. I'll never do time for him, because every day i do time for myself.

 

But the funny thing is that I am here, we are here, we sleep together, we eat together, sometimes I drop her off at work and we meet for lunch, we go to MC and we work through it.

 

 

You are both cheaters, and it seems like there is nothing worth rescuing in your relationship. Perhaps its time to bite the bullet and get a decent divorce attorney and go your seperat ways. There is no higher moral ground, there is no respect, there is no one more hurt that the other. You see him as one thing, and he sees you as something else, possibly neither of you see each other as good or nice things.

Peace.

[jmargel]

Both fingersniffer and the OP needs to look up the five stages of grief. It's something you two are going through. When you get those bad thoughts about your wife doing those things, you need to FORCE yourself to think better thoughts. Otherwise if you let those thoughts keep coming back it's only going to ruin what you have left with her.

 

Those thoughts is what the other man wants you to have. He has no loyalty to you so going after him is not worth it. You wife didn't do what she did to hurt you, she has her own reasons why. The answer is getting to those reasons and fixing them. You two also need to continue learning how to communicate better with each other.