what the heck happened here?

[goldencloud]

i never thought in a thousand years i'd be in this boat. I had been dating this guy for a about a month. really sweet, highly intelligent, EXTREMELY weatlthy(tho that was definatley not the reason i dated him, and seemed really into me. we saw eachother on average 3/4 times a week. i even stayed over at his palce..we were just really comfortable. initially i had hesistations cos of physical aspects of him(he was chubbier then i liked) but tossed those reservations to the side cos i started to geniuenely like him for who he was. i also knew we were VERY different background/life wise. i'm highly open, within my life ive moved like 9 countries...im not judgemental at all while he is highly conservative and rather narrow minded and can't handle anything less then the 'excellent' life

recently id been feeling really uneasy. i couldnt explain it but i think some of it had to do with the fact he told me we were 'exclusive but it was too early to formally declare anything' so pretty much i couldnt date anyone else but i wasn't his gf yet.

i felt uneasy about this and cos of this i felt a need to quesiton. i didnt feel like we were dating and things would naturally fall into place. i felt he was rather to size me up, to see if he could come to 'terms with me' because i was different from other girls he had dated. i knew he really liked me, but i also knew in the past week he became SO guarded around me(im very perceptive).

i told him last night on the phone that i was uncomfrtoable by this 'exclusive yet not gf' title. that i was saying it because i was trying to entrap him into a relationship, but i was concerned because i dont want to invest myself into something not knowing what it is because according to him we 'haven't been defined'. he said he understood, it's just that there were a few details he was having a hard time getting used to and he wanted time to 'assess if he could get comfortable'

i said what details, and he told me i was very different from all the girls he dated before...i was more ..independent...they were all rich daddy's little girls and he was used to it. i was unpredictable and he wondered over the stability of my life and certain little things i do like abbreviations in txt make him uncomfortable cos in his mind it spells immaturity..he says he knows its dum, but its what he's used to..and that im such a huge swift from what he's used to that he has a hard time trying to adjust and that's why he wanted to give us time

i told him that i cannot invest myself into a situation in which one has to 'make up their mind about me' i too had my reseverations(tho i had more tact then to tell him he's much fatter then i like etc) but in the end its all details, i liked him and what i feel is more important to me then any foolish little details.

he kept saying that he knew this is all foolish details but he is very detail oriented and at his age he's looking for someone to settle down with and thus the focus on the details, and he was worried 6 months-1 yr down the road that these issues would come back and maybe i wouldnt get along with ppl from his world etc...and also he didnt wanna end this(cos i said i cant continue with this) cos he felt he wanted to explore it more..but now felt kinda weird because i put him on the spot and he doesn't like being put on the spot

i told him it's not u putting me on the spot but rather me looking out for myself. it was noble of u to tell me the honest truth before i like u even more, get more emotionally entangled with u, and only to have u decide few months down the road i'm not for u. i told him despite my own reservations i went for u because i liked you, and the type of person i am, if something makes me happy that's all that matters. who u are, what type of person u are, who won'tlike u etc..all that don't matter to me, but they matter to u, and it's not my place to judge it cos we're all different.

we spoke for another 1 about these issues. but then said goodbye.have no clue what is happening. i appreciate his honesty but yet the way he acted was so contrary to everything. he didn't physcially take advantage of me, he was more interested in holding my hands, and being really sweet in general. he called me all the time and spoke for hours. i know we genienely had a good time together. he just seemed so hesistant about including me into his life...

im kinda broken now, any help would be so appreciated

[goldencloud]

DESPERATE for any advice/words of wisdom!!

[Nemo]

i put him on the spot and he doesn't like being put on the spot

I guess you got his "answer" - that he's not looking for anything serious. Or, more to the point, he's not looking for anything serious with you.

 

I would try not to take it personally, and just accept that his thinking is a little too shallow to want to have you in his life on a permanent basis. He seems to be making excuses for not getting more deeply involved with you, and that's not a good sign.

[sultry33]

hi dont you think a month is bit soon to have these sort of questions?

i would be getting busy seeing if he has the chase in him maybe cut down on the 3-4 times a week;)

 

see if his feelings develop or if not move on

[Nemo]

hi dont you think a month is bit soon to have these sort of questions?

i would be getting busy seeing if he has the chase in him maybe cut down on the 3-4 times a week;)

 

see if his feelings develop or if not move on

Sweet. Now there's a good idea.

[Zorie]

Perhaps hes conflicted with what he thought he wanted based on his lifestyle and what he has with you which is making him happy?

 

Or it may also be that although he may care for you he wants to keep his options open for someone that will "fit" his lifestyle better?

 

Like you said though, you have to look out for yourself and if he truly makes you happy then its worth investing in, but I would still be a little weary of him not wanting to include you in his lifestyle. And why doesnt he like being put on the spot? Does he then feel guilted into being honest with you? hrm....

[norajane]

His thinking is rigid, his expectations of what is and isn't appropriate or acceptable are narrow. You fall outside his experience, an unkown, and that scares him.

 

I believe he's worried your independence indicates you'd be able to leave him in a heartbeat because you don't NEED him to take care of you. He may be used to the rich daddy's girls being all into him for his wealth, whereas that's not your thing and he can't control you or have the same expectations of you.

 

It's only been a month. Are willing to go the extra mile to show him that you need him and want him? Are you willing to take the chance he may always feel insecure around you?

[Art_Critic]

EXTREMELY weatlthy

 

I'm thinking that the quoted part is 98% of the relationship you have with him otherwise you would not have mentioned it in this post and bolded it to boot...

 

I'm also thinking that you feel put out because you actually dated a chubby guy and it seems he is rejecting you some because he won't commit after 10 dates.

1 month is toooooooo soon to be asking for a full out commitment from this guy or this relationship.. ..You already said you have sacrificed and dated beneath you..

 

Tell the truth.. you are looking to lock him down cuz he is rich ??

 

What would have been wrong with going with the flow for say.. maybe a few more weeks or even a couple of months ?

 

It seems to me that you need to let this guy go.. go find someone you are attracted to and vise versa...

[theobserver]

Ok he's rich right it was so painfully obvious, and high up there in the social ladder *spit* like it or not it really is a different world. You appear to know this, so he's a little conflicted. He was probably told from teens about certain girls he should date, to help the family blossom another century.

 

Yes like breeding dogs it has to be done just right. It's possible he's never bothered to look for full qualities in woman merely her looks and how rich her family was and base future happiness on that.

 

Now he's with you, he may or may not lose favour with his family, with certain friends. They may not accept you, he needs to decide if his feelings for you are worth giving this up. Your education may not be up to par for conversation with the people he knows (I'm just throwing this out there I don't know anything about you I'm just saying the things he COULD be thinking about) In short does he really love you, does he want to be with you and declare it to the world or is this just a fling , experimentation temporary. At the very least he's clearly thinking about it.

 

 

I understand your feelings though, you can't wait around forever, you're happy with who you are you don't want to change to fit someone elses lifestyle that wont comprimise and you don't need to be judged for "breeding" so to speak like a canine. So enjoy this while you can but don't let him "play" around with you so long, make sure you are playing too. Maybe he will decide you are both legit or not and that's cool but more importantly what do you really think? Deep down are you with him because of the money? Would you truely love this man if he was sporting trainers instead of 5k shoes? It's the classic scenario but think about it.

 

Don't be a gold digger.

[2sunny]

maybe he has good enough intuition to understand that you aren't as physically attracted as you would like to be - or as much as he would like you to be.

 

maybe he thinks you are in it for his money and that makes him guarded... people from money are normally guarded or looking for the "real" reason for someone to be attracted to them.

 

maybe he finds you crass. maybe he finds you a threat. maybe he is afraid.

 

we could go on and on about all the maybeeeeees, but it still doesn't change that they are ALL assumptions - that are silly to consider unless he is willing to tell you the truth.

 

let it go for now. you said you are independent. stay busy, if it's supposed to work out he will let you know that he wants to try again. he needs time to sort out his priorities for now.

[goldencloud]

hey you guys, thanks so much for the responses but i guess i should clear up a few grey areas

initially i was not attracted to him cos of to be honest his size..he falls outside my type..not that i have a strict type but you know...but truly truly the more we spoke on the phone, met up, the more physical appearances dissapated..i dont even see it anymore...im really attracted to him on both physical/mental wavelenght...and thats why i got scared

i knew he was hesistant about me, but i also knew i was falling in love and was scared to get hurt ...

how can i stand around and invest myself emotionally while he 'makes up his mind about me'

i dont want to be left heartbroken..if i was a gold digger , i would have never ended it but rathrer gone for the free ride..and i can't..because i REALLY REALLY like him SO much, and i just dont know what to do):

i asked 1 month in cos we were getting serious, talking all the time, and i was starting to feel alot for him...and it wouldnt be fair to drag things on without being honest cos in the end he could just drop me upon realising that i 'dont fit in'

the difference between him and i is that im very free spiritied, come from an extremely diverse background, lived in 9 countries and dont have an ounce of judgement in me. whilst i dont have an extremely old money type back ground, i do have a good upbringing with highly educated parents but we're more 'normal' if that makes sense...down to earth..he isn't at all!!!

[goldencloud]

about the 'maybes' they could go on forever. but he knows how much i like him, he said it himself. to be very honest,the thing is im a really sincere person, what i feel shows..and he knows this.

i come from a well off background but nothing like his, and at the same time ive cultivated an existance outside my family. i made my own life in another country cos i need to make my own life and not depend on the family cos i need to feel free.

him being rich/not being rich is honestly not a huge contributing factor. any girl likes to be spoilt but the thing is i cannot be happy unless i feel someone is emotionally on the same sphere as me...

im just so confused cos we really clicked and in a deep way. we talked for hours and hours..i know he told me he never met nayone like me, but wish it wasnt a problem

[goldencloud]

i miss him soooooooooooo much, but im the one who started this whole fiasco:(

[norajane]

about the 'maybes' they could go on forever. but he knows how much i like him, he said it himself. to be very honest,the thing is im a really sincere person, what i feel shows..and he knows this.

 

him being rich/not being rich is honestly not a huge contributing factor. any girl likes to be spoilt but the thing is i cannot be happy unless i feel someone is emotionally on the same sphere as me...

 

im just so confused cos we really clicked and in a deep way. we talked for hours and hours..i know he told me he never met nayone like me, but wish it wasnt a problem

 

If he can't see his way clear to being with you, to making you his, then he's not worth your time. You need someone who isn't conflicted about you. Otherwise, it will bring you nothing but unhappiness. Just step back and see if he comes to you - you've been clear about how you feel, now he needs to get his head out of his ass if this is going to work between you.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Him. Time. You.

 

It is easy to say to give him time if you love him and if he has shown that he DOES have an interest love for you. Just as it is easy to say since he can't make up his mind dump him. But, to be honest only you, him, and time can determine this. If you really see something there and he at least thinks there is (but is conflicted or afraid to say for sure), give him and yourself a timeline for the discussion. Keep that timeline. And make a final decision then. Don't leave it all in his hands, he may try and postpone it for a longer time. You need this deadline and answer for yourself and his keeping with his deadline shows that he either A) took time to give you and him some serious thought, B) he really doesn't know what he wants, or C) you are not that important to him.

 

 

DNR