lostboy11 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I have been married to my wife for over five years and have been with her over ten. I love and respect her and we have had happy times. She is one of the best people I know. Over the years, and increasingly after the birth of our daughter who is now one year old, we have been drifting apart emotionally and physically. She has been less and less affectionate and more and more in her own world with the baby. I feel as though they are their own separate unit and that they don't need me. I have felt taken for quite some time now. I believed I had expressed these things to my wife over time, but always felt as if I was talking to myself. A few months ago, I began an affair with my best friend who used be my coworker. We had been very close for a few years prior, but never confessed our feelings for each other until a few months ago and were probably either denying or not aware of them. She had been providing me with the emotional connection I feel my wife never could even before that. After we expressed our feelings for each other, it escalated and became physical. I felt wonderful and yet terrible at the same time, like I wasn't myself, like I was a bad person. Still it felt so much like a taste of true happiness and I could swear I had never felt it with my wife, ever. But I doubted these feelings of bliss, dismissing them as potentially a fantasy, like all these sites say. I knew that lying to my wife was wrong and it had gotten to the point I could not look at myself in the mirror and was starting to feel physical manifestations of guilt. I was starting to get sick more etc. So I decided to come clean regardless of the consequences, and deeply confused as to what was right for everyone. What ended up happening is, I broke my wife's heart, I broke my best friend's heart, I broke my own heart. I confessed the truth to my wife - everything from what I had done to my continuing feelings for my friend, to my confusion, to my pain and guilt. Needless to say, there has not been much sympathy for me from anyone. My wife's family and friends all think that I am the anti-christ (she and I generally have separate friends so hers do not really know me, just what she tells them). My wife's trust in me is shattered and I don't think she will ever trust me again. I have since cut the affair off entirely and it is still taking all within me not to contact her. I must be hanging on to some hope that my affair was just a temptation and a fantasy and that things can and should somehow be normal between my wife and I. But I just don't know. Some days I feel like there is nothing left in this marriage and that the only thing keeping us together is our daughter. Other days, I feel like I was happy before the affair, and wish it could just go back to the status quo since that was a form of happiness. My wife and I went to one therapy session together. To me it was a disaster. The therapist lectured me while allowing my wife to pick me apart and paint me as a bad husband, father and person. Most of those things I had never heard about myself from my wife until I broke the news to her. How quickly things change. She has threatened to leave on a number of occasions in the past few weeks and is currently staying with a friend for the week (I am not exactly sure what this is). As days go by, I still care for my best friend and have to consciously stop myself from contacting her. The feeling, fantasy or not, has not subsided, convincing me more and more that this was really love. In the meantime, my wife is giving me nothing to hold on to - no affection, no acknowledgement that I am trying - nothing. I have no idea what I am doing. I feel like I was a good person once. Now I do not even know who I am. I am alone in the darkest corner of the earth and there is no resolution in sight.
Reggie Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 What you are exieriencing seem to be the natural consequences of having the affair. I suggest you go to the marriage builders website and watch the free 30 minute video on the effects of infidelity on a betrayed spouse. It is mind blowing and will give you an appreciation of why all these negative consequences are coming your way. In a nutshell, you layed on your wife the worst kind of pain one can lay on another. I imagine she is in a world of hurt. You need to realize that very few marriages survive infidelity and those that stay together are usually not terribly good for the duration.Maybe yours will be the exeption. What are you doing to help your wife? What steps are you taking to fix yourself? Have you set up therapy ? Have you given her all the details she needs? Have you written your friend and told her you can have no future contact , ever? You need to start doing these things and showing true remorse. You need to offer restitution, as well. Being neglected after the birth of a child is no justification for cheating. You might a well have driven an icepick into her back for neglecting youYou can change yourself if you do the work. The survival of the marriage is another matter. 1
2sure Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 "...My wife and I went to one therapy session together. To me it was a disaster. The therapist lectured me while allowing my wife to pick me apart and paint me as a bad husband, father and person. Most of those things I had never heard about myself from my wife until I broke the news to her. How quickly things change...." I differ from Reggie's opinions, and many statatistics apparently, in that I am one of those that think it is quite possible for some marriages to survive infidelity and become healthy again. On that note, in reading many posts here I have been exploring the differences between men and women regarding thoughts on infidelity. As to your post, I've included the above quote because, as a woman and a BS - it seems like you do not have the attitude required to even begin to recover your marriage (if thats what you really want). Therapy or even reconciliation has to start with all the cards on the table. That includes every aspect of what happened during the affair and also communicating the feelings of the BS. It sounds like that is what was being brought up in your first and only therapy session which you deem a "disaster". The things you heard about from your wife that were news to you may be things that have been problems in the marriage that led to her coolness and your affair. Those are important problems that have to be addressed. Forgiveness is a looong way off - and may or may not come. What I'm saying is that unless you are willing to take the responsibility via actions, communication, and patience - it wont work. Your wife also has to respond with the same - but it is understandably going to take her longer to get to a point where she can.
theobserver Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I want to go over some things in the beginning. It's funny books on children are usually from 3-4+ but as a baby the books are usually for mothers. The father himself can do little unless he's a single father taking on role of mother with some milk etc etc. Fact is it's rarely discussed that sometimes those first few months to a year when a newborn has been brought into a relationship that could of been just about you 2 for years has a new guest who cares little about your needs and more about its need to feed and grow. Yes as a man you will be neglected over your child, love is given to the child excessively though you may love it, I doubt the child I doubt it's in the same way as your wifes natural primal way. Sex can become a thing of the past, the mother may feel unhappy with her body , it could of drastically changed and she no longer feels sexy instead of discussing it she focuses on the child, your needs get neglected and hers as put on hold. The simple problem here was the classic lack of communication, you didn't communicate out of some fear of seeming selfish " you need sex!!! I'm trying to feed the baby" so it led you to drift , and then the repressed feelings you had for your friend went way up. Once you started getting the love you needed bam. I think you are a very foolish man, and you know if you truely wanted some forgiveness and to work on the marriage with your wife that other woman would not be creeping back into your head. Fact is after your wife said all those things about you at the therapist and now family and friends know I'm pretty sure apart of you is thinking; "Why exactly am I here, I love my daughter but my wife is disgusted with me will never look at me the same way again I don't *WANT* her anymore I want my friend" Seriously don't take freaking years to decide. Do you want to be with your wife. Yes or No. Look at a picture or go look in her eyes do you still love this woman, are you truly deeply sorry can you see the situation changing since sex and positive attention are off the boards right now thanks to your cheating for a good few months possibly years willing to live with that? If not Man-up, tell her it isn't going to work, damage has been done anyway make some contract to support your child etc and move on. I really feel sorry for your wife. I also feel sorry for you, I reckon things would of been easy for you if you did not have a child. Something for some readers out there to think about without children. Things can change from little to drastically when a child joins your relationship it's not like the movies and they can destroy a partnership if you are not prepared to sacrifice a little.
Author lostboy11 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 I cannot trust my emotions right now. I don't think it's so easy to know whether you should or should not be with someone. Obviously my wife and I have deep problems that are at least partly due to communication. We are both damaged by what I've done. Cutting off my friend was my way of trying to jolt myself back into reality. My friend has contacted me multiple times in very desparate ways but I have not returned any calls or emails. I am cold turkey which I need to clear my head and think objectively. I do love my wife despite what I've don and yes, it was foolish. I just need to know now whether grass is greener or simply looks greener - whether my wife and I can be happy together. I am truly sorry for what I've done and have given my wife all the details she wants to know.
imagine Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Take your knocks. Affairs do NOT pan out statistically. Do be prepared for a long haul as recovery time from an affair is usually around two years. This can be accelerated if ALL the truth is told. Maybe write a journal and give it to her when she requests more info. Meanwhile, be consistent towards gaining her trust. You may want to read "His needs/Her needs" Dr Harley.
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