jasperlynx Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 here i sit writing to you all. wife told me a month ago that we were over.. staying home because of financial reasons, and children. i ve screwed up 1 or 2 times with the please dont let me go....begging and pleading..knowing that it only makes her say nasty things like 'it over" leave me alone. youll never touch me again.I told her that i was thinking of being with other women,,just to piss her off.we were in the heatr of a fight and making love has not been in our relationship . hoping it would make her jealous. She took it seriously and wont let it go. Tonight she went out with her married friends for dinner dancing and what bothers me is one is divorced and could be an influence. i agreed i would look after my young children. "have a good time I said". Im really trying to win her back.....I dont think she would mingle if you know what i mean but my gut is killing me. dying here. she is very attractive and she could be someones bait. so scared did I do the right thing by being nice nice nice and just letting it go or should I grill her in the morning or just play it cool. dont want to argue anymore. it only brings us farther apart. I never go out and i am a very attractive guy. all my friends are telling me that I need to get out and be social . I m still married live in the house with her and would not think of disrespecting her or my children.
d.j. Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 What was the reason that you were over?, I have small resemblence towards your case, so what I figured out like today .... I read some book, it is not in english so it would not help you and I found something really interesting in it. Maybe it is problem in me/you in this case, maybe she has you as a second child in this marriage, I guess it is good to stood up for your self, think positive, do not push her, talk about kids, weather no you two, make own decisions, make desicions with her but do not let her wear the pants in the family, do not raise voice and support her in her decisions. In household try to sit down with her and make roles - what someone has to do so you have time and she has time for fun.. Fun is not just sex, it is allso reading a book, going to bowl .... But please, do not try to cry her back and beg her. That is most stupid thing to do, I've done it, alot of guys like us did it AND IT DOES NOT HELP NOT TO HER NOT TO YOU !!!! And don't be cinc, be positive, smile, play with kids, TRY TO FORGET for some time. Maybe then she will find you more of a man that you are now or were before! I hope I helped d.j.
Author jasperlynx Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 You hit the nail on the head. After many years of arguing and mistrust...mainly white lies and money issues, she did not trust me anymore. Lost total respect in me..which caused me to think she owed me just because we are still married...which caused me to be very passive aggressive. An *hole to say the least. Big fight one day ..and I said the worst thing....."Im so sexually frustrated im thinking of other women".. not good thing to say. I only said it to make her jealous in some sick way. Boy did I mess everything up. She was beyond furious. Says "Shes done". Apologized 50 times. I feel awful for hurting her. Just being very cool now...Trying to regain her trust. Miss her so much. She hates me. She seams so happy when i see her at home..with her new friends on phone and with the kids. Always laughing and cheerful. Driving me crazy because im dying inside.
skinman Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Wow, jasperlynx your story sounds so much like mine i sure do feel for you. I have the same problem my wife would say mean things and I would eventually end up calling her a "Fat A$$" which i knew would get her goat. Since she asked me to leave I have done as much as i could to show her I still cared and as the post before I was only driviing her further away... Best of luck to you buddy and know your in my thoughts and prayers during our difficult times.....
Author jasperlynx Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Seems like it only happens to guys like us. It so ironic that there are so many simularities in our marriages. Mendsly ,me, and skinman
jmargel Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Jasper what you are doing is totally the wrong thing. From my years of experience on here and my own personal experience what you are doing is pushing her further away. First off, you can't win someone back. It's not a game. Don't treat it as that. Second, don't let this affect your own self-worth. You are basing her as the center of your life and when you do that you often become depressed or even worse when she leaves. That being said, what you need in all of this is confidence. Not just show it, but live it. You hanging onto her ankles as she walks out the door, or allowing her to head off with other men, is NOT the answer. The answer is letting her know that you are willing to accept the consequences for your behavior, however you not will allow yourself to become disrespected anymore. That you will be willing to do what is necessary to work on this marriage, however you won't be dragged through the mud. Women LOVE confidence and now more than ever is a time you need to show it. Let her know that you will not be a safety net. Let her know that she is FREE to go and open that cage door as wide as you can. However if she leaves she is not welcomed back. It's not an ultamatium. It's to protect yourself months of being on a roller coaster ride. I would suggest writing her a letter and let her know you are willing to goto marriage counseling but there are certain boundaries that if crossed are a deal breaker. You also need to set short term goals for yourself and accomplish them. You need to work on how to communicate with each other. When she talks, and she will. Hold your tongue when she talks about how disappointed she feels. Use the two magical words 'I understand'. It puts down their defenses and allows them to open up more. If she starts name calling, yelling, tell her that you will talk to her when things calm down. Don't try to justify or give reasons on why you did/didnt do things for her. To her that's just you not understanding, which tells her things won't change. Your life will go on with or without her. Try to step back and look at the big picture here.
Author jasperlynx Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 marg. Maybe your right in some senses. But I have to tell you...right now the way thngs are going ...if I were to say ..no no no your not going to respect me by going out. She would say "If you dnt like it ...leave" and that would be not game in her part. I beleive she respects me to not move on with another person, being that I work 2 jobs to support us. Maybe i overreacted last night and was feeling deppressed. YOur advice is very good and makes lots of sense. I really value what you stated about my goals and actions. Im on the fence right now and dont have the guts to say anything negative to her....not a good time. But I will try to be more confident.
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 marg. Maybe your right in some senses. But I have to tell you...right now the way thngs are going ...if I were to say ..no no no your not going to respect me by going out. She would say "If you dnt like it ...leave" and that would be not game in her part. I beleive she respects me to not move on with another person, being that I work 2 jobs to support us. Maybe i overreacted last night and was feeling deppressed. YOur advice is very good and makes lots of sense. I really value what you stated about my goals and actions. Im on the fence right now and dont have the guts to say anything negative to her....not a good time. But I will try to be more confident. Fine, then leave. Dude, you DONT like it, dont pretend you do to keep whatever you have alive. Its a crappy, subpar sitaution for you, and you dont have to tolerate it. If shes going out with other guys, she DOES NOT respect you at all. Thats probably the most disrespectful thing she can possibly do. What shes doing is calling your bluff, and youre quick to admit you werent going to follow through with anything you threatened to do. If she thinks youre all talk, thats all she'll ever think until you follow through. Part of being confident is not standing for being treated this way. She is losing respect for you because youre letting her get away with it, and worst of all, eventually, youll lose repsect for yourself. Take a stand, if youre not getting what you want/need from this relationship, see ya!
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