sigh Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Just a curiosity question really. If someone is happily married, in love with their spouse, life is good, why cheat? I'm not talking about the one night stands that are strictly sexual, I am talking about emotionally and physically connecting with a person other then your spouse. My xMM never talked bad about his W, I believe he loves her very deeply. He only ever spoke of leaving her once a while ago and it had nothing to do with me. Of course, there were little gripes, but nothing major. I just do not understand and maybe I never will, why would he want to risk that? Just a pointless thought
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Because in his mind, he wasn't risking anything if she didn't know about it. The wayward never expect the betrayed to find out. Plain and simple. Or maybe just simple.
Author sigh Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 He didn't overly hide it. If she wanted to know, it would have been easy for her to figure out. I guess more of the question is, why does someone happy want to emotionally and physically connect with another?
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 He didn't overly hide it. If she wanted to know, it would have been easy for her to figure out. I guess more of the question is, why does someone happy want to emotionally and physically connect with another? Boredom. Being with one person can get that way over time. How do you know he didn't *overly* hide it? He obviously didn't *underly* hide it either.
Author sigh Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Boredom. Being with one person can get that way over time. How do you know he didn't *overly* hide it? He obviously didn't *underly* hide it either. Because she found out once
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Because she found out once And he must have done everything in his power to make sure that she either believed his assessment of you or of what was *really* going on between the two of you. OR, he did everything in his power to make her think that he forgot about you. Either way, his love for her motivated him to hurt you and hide you. What good comes out of thinking about this and turning it over and over in your mind?
carhill Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 OP, he's a man. He compartmentalizes. The wifey box doesn't touch the mistress box. There's a force field that disallows any contact with the mommy box Seriously, men lie. Men cheat. He had to do both to be with you. Think about that
Reggie Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 You "beleive" he loves his wife. His actions belie that. Experts seem to agree that infidelity is the severest form of emotional abuse, a tremendously damaging trauma to a BS. I'd submit that you cannot reconcile exposing his spouse to this with love.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I think that for someone to cheat, they do not have the 'perfect' marriage. There is no such thing as a 'perfect' marriage. I believe that people try to portray their relationship as perfect, but something was missing. OR - it could be an ego boost, one person who adores you, worships you and sees all the good things, while not having to deal with any of the bad.
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 The wifey box doesn't touch the mistress box. There's a force field that disallows any contact with the mommy box ) Thanks for saying it better than I have so far. This is the thing. Men compartmentalize so much so that they forget that IRL the boxes might actually meet. You should see them on d-days. THEY are shocked too, no matter what they have been telling the OW, they are shocked when the W busts them with evidence. And the OW is just as shocked to be thrown under the bus. But don't think of it that way. He's still compartmentalizing. Cheaters just throw the OW box out of the room that the W box is in, with the full hope and intention of running out to get it once the coast clears.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Just a curiosity question really. If someone is happily married, in love with their spouse, life is good, why cheat? I'm not talking about the one night stands that are strictly sexual, I am talking about emotionally and physically connecting with a person other then your spouse. My xMM never talked bad about his W, I believe he loves her very deeply. He only ever spoke of leaving her once a while ago and it had nothing to do with me. Of course, there were little gripes, but nothing major. I just do not understand and maybe I never will, why would he want to risk that? Just a pointless thought What does your heart tell you, .... it questions, .... am I right???? This isn't about her.... or you.... it is about him... moment by moment... and he lives in the moment, .... am I right???? WHAT do you know????
IfWishesWereHorses Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 MizzBlue, If there is no such thing as the perfect marriage, are you implying that there is SUCH a thing as the perfect affair? And how long and under WHAT circomstances would that continue/last????
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 MizzBlue, If there is no such thing as the perfect marriage, are you implying that there is SUCH a thing as the perfect affair? And how long and under WHAT circomstances would that continue/last???? In all fairness, I didn't see that implication in her post - not even in the part about the ego boost. Thing is, and I am sure we agree here, there is no perfect anything. People are imperfect by nature. And as a result, we can't create anything perfect - marriages or affairs.
Touche Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I think this is the answer: OR - it could be an ego boost, one person who adores you, worships you and sees all the good things, while not having to deal with any of the bad. What many don't realize is that some people can step over the line even when they have really good marriages because of something broken within themselves. It's not always about the marriage or the spouse. It's really not.
jj33 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Someone "happy and well adjusted" doesnt cheat on their spouse. So its either someone unhappy who is either admitting it or not to themselves or to the world or someone happy who is not well adjusted. What Touche was saying illustrates the not well adjusted person, someone who cheats despite being happy who is so in need of having their ego stroked that they go for the ego boost.
Owl Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Just a curiosity question really. If someone is happily married, in love with their spouse, life is good, why cheat? I'm not talking about the one night stands that are strictly sexual, I am talking about emotionally and physically connecting with a person other then your spouse. My xMM never talked bad about his W, I believe he loves her very deeply. He only ever spoke of leaving her once a while ago and it had nothing to do with me. Of course, there were little gripes, but nothing major. I just do not understand and maybe I never will, why would he want to risk that? Just a pointless thought Because he wanted to. Because he felt justified in doing what HE wanted, versus what was good for everyone involved (read: a very self-centered person). Because something was lacking IN HIM...not his marriage. See the common denominator here? Its clear: him.
whichwayisup Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 My xMM never talked bad about his W, I believe he loves her very deeply. He only ever spoke of leaving her once a while ago and it had nothing to do with me. Of course, there were little gripes, but nothing major. Was this before the A started? Or were you two 'just' starting to get closer? I ask this because I wonder if that was the "hook" to get your attention, him mentioning that he was going to leave his wife...Sets the affair setting up to take place.
MizzBlue72 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I think there is no perfect marriage or perfect affair. Marriages take work - affairs are just what they are - fantasy/lies/imagery. People become wrapped up in these, usually are very confused, and IMO none end up well. I feel for everyone who this happens to. A lot of times couples try to protect their marriages fiercely - but everyday gets in the way: work, home, kids, etc. They forget to protect their hearts - their love for one another and that is how these start. As I said before - I feel for everyone in these positions, the OW/OM/BS, etc. When things hit the fan - everyone suffers - not just the spouses.
Author sigh Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Was this before the A started? Or were you two 'just' starting to get closer? I ask this because I wonder if that was the "hook" to get your attention, him mentioning that he was going to leave his wife...Sets the affair setting up to take place. It was about 6 months in. It just came up out of nowhere. I told him I did not think it was not a good idea.
Author sigh Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 I think there is no perfect marriage or perfect affair. Marriages take work - affairs are just what they are - fantasy/lies/imagery. People become wrapped up in these, usually are very confused, and IMO none end up well. I feel for everyone who this happens to. A lot of times couples try to protect their marriages fiercely - but everyday gets in the way: work, home, kids, etc. They forget to protect their hearts - their love for one another and that is how these start. As I said before - I feel for everyone in these positions, the OW/OM/BS, etc. When things hit the fan - everyone suffers - not just the spouses. Affairs are a lot of work as well. Pointless, wasted, dumb work, but work. Which is why I do not understand why a WS would waste the time or energy. There was a lot of time, energy and emotion invested in this train wreck on both ends as I am sure there is in all affairs. Just makes no sense to me I guess. Oh well
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Affairs are a lot of work as well. Pointless, wasted, dumb work, but work. Which is why I do not understand why a WS would waste the time or energy. There was a lot of time, energy and emotion invested in this train wreck on both ends as I am sure there is in all affairs. Just makes no sense to me I guess. Oh well You raise an excellent point. I think the reason that the WS is willing to use that energy in the affair is because they are afraid, for whatever reason, to attempt to do the same with their spouse anymore. As it was already said, marriage takes a lot of work - but both people have to be working on/at it. And usually the person with the most complaints but the least amount of work is the WS - because its pretty obvious that they are putting their time and energy into another relationship (fantasy or not).
jj33 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Also sometimes the other spouse has checked out of the marriage. In some cases the WS has tried to put that effort into the marriage but the BS is not interested in focusing on the needs that WS ends up looking elsewhere to satisfy. Yes divorce is morally a better option than cheating but that is the way it happens in many cases.
NoIDidn't Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Also sometimes the other spouse has checked out of the marriage. In some cases the WS has tried to put that effort into the marriage but the BS is not interested in focusing on the needs that WS ends up looking elsewhere to satisfy. Yes divorce is morally a better option than cheating but that is the way it happens in many cases. Yeah, a spouse checking out of the marriage is one of the many reasons that the WS would be afraid to approach them with their desires/needs/wants. I admit to being biased (not because I was once betrayed, though). I tend to blame the person that stepped out of the marriage, no matter what excuse they give for doing so.
jj33 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Totally understandable. And no its not an excuse. But I think that it is one big reason that it happens. I think the number of people who cheat purely because they are narcissists is lower than the number of people who cheat because communication has broken down in certain areas and they cant find their way back. Sometimes people try they cant get through or just get told no and .... they arent ready to divorce but still want those things in their lives. Again not saying its an excuse but I think its a reality. This is why I say I think peopel who cheat are not great in dealing with conflict. If they were they would deal with the issues in the marriage head on rather than outsourcing... it is as a friend of mine once said a coward's way out... not willing to face up to the fact that choices need to be made.
Author sigh Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Maybe it was an ego boost in my particular situation. He did tell ridiculous lies to try impressing me sometimes. I just let them go, but did not let him think I believed him, just kind of ignored them.
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