jimmy1989 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 hello all, this is my story, any advice is greatly appreciated. im a young guy only 19 going on 20, although thismay seem silly i feel like i have found the one for me. we were together for 2 years and met junior year of highschool. things were great. she is my other half, she balance me out, she completed me. i put her before everything. she was the only girl that could hit that spot in my heart. the last 6 months of the relationship things got rocky. intimacy dropped, her affection was scarce around her friends, and we constantly argued. we have dealt with this before and overcame it. but for some reason it drove me to a pt where i left her. i sat her down told her how i felt and then decided for some reason to just leave. heres the part where you will all call me heartless. and i regret this everyday of my life. the night i left her she ran after my car in the pouring rain and stopped me. poured her heart out to me, and begged me to come back. at the time i was so upset that i told her to go back in and i drove off. biggest mistake of my life. a month later after no contact with her it hit me that i lost the greatest part of my life. i feel like my anger blinded me for that time period. we went back our for a week and argued everyday. it seemed that she got used to being single and put her friends first. so we broke up yet again. this was august. ever since then i have been doing everything i can to win her back. from flowers to self written poems. although she does tell me that she feels were meant to be, that she would marry me, that she still loves me, im not sure where she stands. she also tells me shes not ready to get back with me yet. heres the catch that confuses me. during all this time with the things she tells me, she is with another guy. not going out just "together" turns out he was there for her when she was at her breaking point with me. she told me her love for me is stronger than her love for him. and that she wants to be with me shes just not 100% sure right now. i tried smothering her with love and tried showing her id do anything to have her back. after reading a thread on here i realized maybe i should try no contact. it kills me everyday that i dont speak to her. even if its just casual bs. but it seems that maybe its the best choice. so you all know i would get down on one knee for her right now if she was with me. i dont care how young i am or what is going on. my heart has been chipping away since the day i felt like i really lost her. please help.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Is it meant to be? Who knows! We can't see into the future, and it would be impossible for you to write enough about your ex and yourself for us to come to a solid idea about the future. We can only write so much, and can only keep our biases out so much. ;p To answer your question, if it was meant to be, she'd be with you. Of course I am sure your counter argument is that if you ARE meant to be, she'll come back, someday, when it is the right time for her. That could be true, but while you're waiting on a miracle, why not enjoy life a bit. Stop worrying if she'll come back - if you are truly "meant to be" then no matter how you live your life, she'll be there in the end - so why not make the best of it in the meantime? If she never ever comes back, well you've got your answer. But in truth, you'll never know until you're dead. Once you're dead its over, no more worrying about that magic day she'll come back. ;p
lofi_tokyo Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Also, you've gotta seriously ask yourself, what the hell does "meant to be" even constitute? Its so ambiguous! Meant to be as in are you meant to date right now? Tomorrow? Next month? And for how long? For a few months? A few years (my keyboard just turned french on me... I cant do any more question marks lol) Until death do you part (question mark) If youre asking us if you and her are meant to get married and live happily ever after - thats a pretty crazy question. There is honestly no knowing what the future holds.
DanaL Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Unfortunately none of us can tell the future! I think you're both, especially she, is at the stage where you need variety in your lives. She sounds as if she cares about you, but is not ready for the big full on relationship, which makes sense if she's around the same age as you. You yourself came to the same conclusion when you first broke up with her, I think you just panicked when you realised that you missed her and then tried to get her back. Nothing wrong with that, we ALL do it! I'd find a way to put this relationship in your 'life experience' box and move on - at least for now! It's tough, but I'd get out and reconnect with my friends and have some fun! Go on! Have some fun without her, it will take time and effort but it's the way forward.
Author jimmy1989 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 i wasnt looking for an answer to the meant to be question, but thank you for your opinion on that. i was asking what to do about the situation im in at the moment. whether to leave it and not talk to her and see what happens or not. im also going out ALOT with my friends lately and i do have a good time. but there are those moments where she pops into my head. i go to night clubs and i find myself sittin on the sideline for the most part. i dont have that confidence i used to before i was with her. i guess thats something i have to develope again. other than that i am trying my best to put this behind me and keep moving. but these feelings wont seem to leave me alone. i WILL still have that hope for the day she returns. but who knows where i will be if and when she is finally ready.
dxb Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 heres the catch that confuses me. during all this time with the things she tells me, she is with another guy. not going out just "together" turns out he was there for her when she was at her breaking point with me. she told me her love for me is stronger than her love for him. and that she wants to be with me shes just not 100% sure right now. i tried smothering her with love and tried showing her id do anything to have her back.There's your problems, right there. Problem #1: 'She's with another guy' You're jealous. She's with someone else. This is the problem of being a guy. You dump a woman, she moves on and finds someone else. You don't. So what happens? You decide you want her back of course! It's a classic case of when a kid chucks away a toy, only to suddenly want it back when they find someone else now has it. It's a problem most of us guys have. Problem #2: 'You dumped her' In most relationships, it's the woman who dumps the guy. We usually hang around to the bitter end until we're shoved, because we're lazy. But you dumped her. It was her that got rejected, not you. And that runs counter to every female instinct. So what is she doing? She's trying to set it up so ultimately, she can reject you and feel all normal again. She says she wants to be with you but you're not sure, and you've been smothering her with love? Dude, you're getting played. Big time. Someone who can do something like that to you, ie, manipulate you to project their own insecurities onto you, is not worth having a future with. You said so yourself, you've lost your confidence. Why? It wasn't you that got rejected! So why is it YOU that's having difficulties feeling personally validated? But of course, here's why. she is my other half, she balance me out, she completed me. i put her before everything. she was the only girl that could hit that spot in my heart. Problem 3: 'How's the view from the pedestal?' You've got an unrealistic view of her. You need a person to feel complete? You sacrificed everything for her? Seriously - noone is that perfect. She farts and burps and scratches her arse and does stupid things, just like the rest of us. Get her off that pedestal you've built for her, and climb up on it yourself! You're awesome! You've got good friends, you've got a bit of experience and you've even had the guts to actually end a relationship. You don't need her to feel complete. You just need you. And when you can love yourself, you can start genuinely thinking about loving other people too.
Author jimmy1989 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 There's your problems, right there. Problem #1: 'She's with another guy' You're jealous. She's with someone else. This is the problem of being a guy. You dump a woman, she moves on and finds someone else. You don't. So what happens? You decide you want her back of course! It's a classic case of when a kid chucks away a toy, only to suddenly want it back when they find someone else now has it. It's a problem most of us guys have. Problem #2: 'You dumped her' In most relationships, it's the woman who dumps the guy. We usually hang around to the bitter end until we're shoved, because we're lazy. But you dumped her. It was her that got rejected, not you. And that runs counter to every female instinct. So what is she doing? She's trying to set it up so ultimately, she can reject you and feel all normal again. She says she wants to be with you but you're not sure, and you've been smothering her with love? Dude, you're getting played. Big time. Someone who can do something like that to you, ie, manipulate you to project their own insecurities onto you, is not worth having a future with. You said so yourself, you've lost your confidence. Why? It wasn't you that got rejected! So why is it YOU that's having difficulties feeling personally validated? But of course, here's why. Problem 3: 'How's the view from the pedestal?' You've got an unrealistic view of her. You need a person to feel complete? You sacrificed everything for her? Seriously - noone is that perfect. She farts and burps and scratches her arse and does stupid things, just like the rest of us. Get her off that pedestal you've built for her, and climb up on it yourself! You're awesome! You've got good friends, you've got a bit of experience and you've even had the guts to actually end a relationship. You don't need her to feel complete. You just need you. And when you can love yourself, you can start genuinely thinking about loving other people too. you hit alot of good points, and i want to thank you for shining a new light on this situation. ive always put the girl im with first. now that im free, its time for me to come first. i was her brain when i was with her, now i only have to worry about myself. although i still want to be with her i need to re prioritize my life and work on making myself happy. so thank you. i do have one predicament though(if thats how you spell it lol) everything seems to remind me of her. music,movies, even certain locations and objects, is their something i can do so this doesnt happen? or a good way to deal with it?
samspade Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 The only thing that is 'meant to be' is you getting your heart ripped in half, jimmy. im not sure where she stands. she also tells me shes not ready to get back with me yet. heres the catch that confuses me. during all this time with the things she tells me, she is with another guy. not going out just "together" turns out he was there for her when she was at her breaking point with me. she told me her love for me is stronger than her love for him. and that she wants to be with me shes just not 100% sure right now. i tried smothering her with love and tried showing her id do anything to have her back. Good God. Where to begin. You're not sure where she stands? Looks to me like she's interested in someone else, jimmy! That's what it means when you're dating/f*cking another guy. Oh, she *told* you her love is stronger for you, eh? Then why isn't she with you? Not 100% sure? Tell her to have a nice life and let you know when she's 100% sure. i put her before everything. she was the only girl that could hit that spot in my heart. the last 6 months of the relationship things got rocky. intimacy dropped, her affection was scarce around her friends, and we constantly argued. Cause and effect, my good man. You're young, and probably haven't learned that putting a woman on a pedestal will only sabotage your relationship. It's one thing to be unselfish, but always putting her first means you weren't respecting yourself, and neither was she. ever since then i have been doing everything i can to win her back. from flowers to self written poems. Correction: You were doing everything you could to push her even farther away and make her nauseated at the thought of you. Cut this shyt out, brother. You're not John Cusack and this isn't Hollywood. You broke up with this girl, and yes she pleaded with you, but that ship has sailed. You may still get back together, but not if you keep up this nonsense. Bottom line: You are not "Meant" to be with ANYONE. No one will complete you in this life. You need to BE complete, and not think of another person as some missing piece in your life. LTRs are a great thing, but if you rely on someone else for your happiness you will be depressed more often than not in this life. She's trying to set it up so ultimately, she can reject you and feel all normal again. She says she wants to be with you but you're not sure, and you've been smothering her with love? Dude, you're getting played. Big time. That's right on the money, dxb. jimmy, you broke her heart. She won't soon forget that. Now you've come groveling back. Women love this scenario. They want to know that you still want them and haven't forgotten all about them. You've already given her that power over you. Whether she'll continue to string you along, or "take you back" only to drop you flat on your a$$ again remains to be seen. But you two have about a 5% chance of a happy redux. My advice: Quietly back off. Don't announce to her that you're doing so. Stay silent, drop contact, and keep what's left of your dignity intact. is their something i can do so this doesnt happen? or a good way to deal with it? Accept that you'll be sad for a while. Each day it will get easier. Go out and meet women. Enlist your buddies to take you out and get you laid. They can also protect you from drunk dialing/texting. Have them remind you what a bitch she was (even if she wasn't). Someday you'll be able to think good thoughts about your ex without feeling sad. For now, it's best that you remember all the things you hated about her. Make a list of why you're glad to be single and what bothered you about her. Good luck - it sounds like you're coming around and ready to move on.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 That's right on the money, dxb. jimmy, you broke her heart. She won't soon forget that. Now you've come groveling back. Women love this scenario. They want to know that you still want them and haven't forgotten all about them. You've already given her that power over you. Whether she'll continue to string you along, or "take you back" only to drop you flat on your a$$ again remains to be seen. But you two have about a 5% chance of a happy redux. Too true, too true. Coming from a woman thats been dumped twice, NOTHING feels better than having your ex come back wanting you, and you being in a place to say "No". Its terrible to admit, but I can't lie - it makes you feel insanely sexy and powerful. Stringing the person along kind of becomes a sexy game - will you take the guy back or not? You may not even be sure what you want, but it sure is fun being a tease after having your heart broken. I feel awful admitting that, but its true. Its a very nice feeling. ;p
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Too true, too true. Coming from a woman thats been dumped twice, NOTHING feels better than having your ex come back wanting you, and you being in a place to say "No". Its terrible to admit, but I can't lie - it makes you feel insanely sexy and powerful. Stringing the person along kind of becomes a sexy game - will you take the guy back or not? You may not even be sure what you want, but it sure is fun being a tease after having your heart broken. I feel awful admitting that, but its true. Its a very nice feeling. ;p Good point.
lofi_tokyo Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Good point. Yeah now that someones mentioned it, I'm pretty sure thats part of whats going on here Jimmy. I'm sorry you're caught in that kind of situation.
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Yeah now that someones mentioned it, I'm pretty sure thats part of whats going on here Jimmy. I'm sorry you're caught in that kind of situation. I'll tell you what, as someone whose been dumped by the same person twice...I would be VERY tempted to do the same thing if given the opportunity.
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