d.j. Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Hi! I know you've heard this before, so that how it goes in my case. We met 9 years ago, never did marry, but started our life more seriously when we got our boy 5 years ago, now we hawe 2 boys second one 3 yo, She did not work since last year, she was at home, I was working, so we got along... couple of years ago she became more frigid, sex was not the one it was before, and she told me she just is not in to it any more as she was before, ok I said to myself, that happens after having 2 kids and so on. Last year she got realy good work opurtunity and she took it, even I supported it, and started to took care of kids and household, since my work is more flexible than her's. Couple of months ago she really had big stress at work, had to work abroad in other branches and so on, then it happened. She said she needed more space, that she is tired, and that she will go with coworkers from abroad branch to relax in some spa. After that we had some fights and she said, that she does not feel same way towards me as she did before and that one she "likes" one of coworkers from branch abroad. She allso said that nothing happened. Since then we had some huge fights, but she went there couple of times, she says, that she really does not know what whe wants in her life, she is still somehow fond of me she loves the kids, that she doesn't want to leave me or us, but she must think it over. I have allso begged her to reconsider what she is doing to me and to us, since all spare time she wants to be with that group of coworkers - that is on weekends if I have time to be with kids. Even now she is gone for fourth time. What do you guys/girls have to say about this, I would really apriciate the thoughst you have. I do care about her still we have 2 kids together and I do not want to break up, but I guess this can't go on like it started for long, since I will go mad. Any suggestions? Regards d.j.
norajane Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I would tell her to get her head out of her ass and figure out what is important to the children, first and foremost. She can get a job that does not require her to travel abroad. And she can go to marriage counseling and individual counseling. But leaving the kids for you to care for them while she's off "liking" her co-worker abroad, is unacceptable.
Geishawhelk Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 A friend of mine (lost contact now!) had this problem with her husband. So one day, she left him, with the kids. he had to suddenly become their carer for two weeks, and he soon found out how hard a job it was. I don't agree with 'using' children in this way, and I told her so. But it was, she felt, the only way she could think of to bring him to his senses. to actually show him where his priorities lay..... I would suggest doing the same with your wife, because she seems to hold the children - and you - in callous disregard......
Author d.j. Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 First thanks for your answers. I would tell her to get her head out of her ass and figure out what is important to the children, first and foremost. - I told her that allready but she said that she would not just stay with me for the kids, she said that she must figure out and rethink it over, it was like I have no word with it. She can get a job that does not require her to travel abroad. And she can go to marriage counseling and individual counseling. But leaving the kids for you to care for them while she's off "liking" her co-worker abroad, is unacceptable. -That was allso my point, but she does not want to change her job, it is well payed and her exuse is it will be no beter wherever she goes to work... And when I told her about counseling she said hell no ... I know that is unacceptable, but I cannot convince her anyhow, so now I do try not to talk about us, just kids and normal stuff... maybe she will find out for her self that this is not the point... A friend of mine (lost contact now!) had this problem with her husband. So one day, she left him, with the kids. he had to suddenly become their carer for two weeks, and he soon found out how hard a job it was. I don't agree with 'using' children in this way, and I told her so. But it was, she felt, the only way she could think of to bring him to his senses. to actually show him where his priorities lay..... I would suggest doing the same with your wife, because she seems to hold the children - and you - in callous disregard...... that was allso one of my options allready before ,but I think that it would get just worse, ... I do really love her, maybe too much, that was the biggest problem, so I guess I will give her some time maybe till new year, but if she does not find out what she wants in the meen time, I will just take the kids and move out, then she will have all the time she needs for what she really wants. regards d.j.
Author d.j. Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Actually I went trough some books today and I read some advices and I found my self in one, I figured out, that it allso could be my fault. I guess I did try to "lock her in the box" we were allways together and now she got a job, she could ran out abit. So today I said to my self, I will stand for my self, make decisions, take care for the kids, make some changes and we shall see what future brings, at first I have to think positive. If I look down all the time, it can't get any better. I will give my full free time to my kids so they will not feel problems with us (now they do). And first of all I WILL NOT FORCE HER IN TO NOTHING... She must come back to me I can not and will not make her !! regards d.j.
norajane Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I told her that allready but she said that she would not just stay with me for the kids, she said that she must figure out and rethink it over, it was like I have no word with it. The problem is, she hasn't left the marriage, yet you are the one who is taking care of the kids all the time while she's abroad, abroad and flirting with other men. Is that what she wants - to pretend she doesn't have children and gallivant all over the world? Is she thinking she would leave you AND leave you with the kids?
Author d.j. Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 The problem is, she hasn't left the marriage, yet you are the one who is taking care of the kids all the time while she's abroad, abroad and flirting with other men. Is that what she wants - to pretend she doesn't have children and gallivant all over the world? Is she thinking she would leave you AND leave you with the kids? Actually she knows, she can not deal with the kids full time, because of job she has, she did not even say yet that she wants to leave me, ok she said it in fight, but I allso said terrible words, so that does not count 100%. I am now calming my self, doing some small changes in our relationship. Maybe she will get to senses and figure out what really she wants, maybe she is just tired of the routine she has.. I don't know, I did not give it a thought since this, I do know, so I will wait abit I said till new year, if we figure out how to live together, fine, if not, that I will reconsider at that point, but I will be prepared.
Author d.j. Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Hi all! While I was browsing computer, not snooping just by mistake I found some Texts from gsm which he send to here - a guy from abroad ... couple were just crap, but one touched me perticulary, she and him were discussing where they would live and allso the KIDS, my kids!! come on, that hurts, and it is bad since this texts were 1 months old!!! comeon now I really need an opinion... and a back to cry on it !!!
Sheebah Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 DJ-I would sit her down and ask her if there is anything that she needs to discuss with you regarding your relationship. Let her talk and come clean. If she doesn't, then tell her what you know. If you still want this relationship DJ after what you have heard... Tell her to drop everything with this dork and be faithful. Go to counseling. Make sure you have inner peace about all this. Living with someone and not having an inner peace regarding your relationship is horrible and its not worth it. Its torture! Ask her if she really wants this relationship. Flip the script and see how she would respond to you if you did the same thing. She needs to come clean. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Sunshine always comes after the storm.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Talking now is cheap. She has already crossed the line and exceeded the tipping point in her affair where she is now scheming with the OM to rip your life apart and she is a full month ahead of you in determining her next move. You need to get your head fully around this situation asap and pull the plug on this marriage now! Right now need to remain calm and play your cards close to the vest for you have the upper hand since you can show yourself as the primary caregiver to your children. Resist the temptation to disclose that you know anything about the affair for it may accelerate her decision to put her plans in motion. Ambush her by contacting a bulldog men's rights divorce attorney to have her served before she can put the final touches on her plan in place and use this leverage to secure alimony and full custody of the children while crushing her with an order for child support. A hefty dose of reality should bring her head out of the clouds quick fast and in a hurry! God speed to you my friend for your clock is quickly ticking down to zero hour.
Author d.j. Posted November 2, 2008 Author Posted November 2, 2008 DJ-I would sit her down and ask her if there is anything that she needs to discuss with you regarding your relationship. Let her talk and come clean. If she doesn't, then tell her what you know. If you still want this relationship DJ after what you have heard... Tell her to drop everything with this dork and be faithful. Go to counseling. Make sure you have inner peace about all this. Living with someone and not having an inner peace regarding your relationship is horrible and its not worth it. Its torture! Ask her if she really wants this relationship. Flip the script and see how she would respond to you if you did the same thing. She needs to come clean. I am sorry you are experiencing this. Sunshine always comes after the storm. Actually I did this allready soon after I posted my q. on the forum. Since she is not home, I called her, first, I just said if she is honest to me .. nothing else, and after that I told her if she has something to say to me about everything more, then I confronted her with everything I found out from that Texts on computer then I think she had a small brakedown, since she started to cry, she said it is not like that at all, and I cann'not force her to make her mind, I told her in really calmed down, that she should come home as she told she will and will discuss it than later on, I think only now she knows what she is doing, and that I will do everything to keep the children. I now await that she comes hom to discuss that open questions what is her means with this ... I hoped before it is just a small caprice, but I do not now what actually she really wants. I can not go on like that, so she/me will make her/my mind, if she can't make the decision I will! thankyaall for your support d.j.
norajane Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 I suggest you place a call to a divorce attorney NOW so you KNOW exactly what your rights are in relation to your children, before she comes home and you discuss this further. You don't want to end up in a situation where she is threatening to move the children abroad - find out if she can or if you can legally compel her to keep the children in the country or if you have legal rights to keep them yourself. Speak to her when you know all the fact about how your children will be impacted by any moves on her part.
pelicanpreacher Posted November 2, 2008 Posted November 2, 2008 Oops! I just reread your opening post and see that you're not married. I'd still suggest that you protect your rights as their father by having a paternity test done to establish your parentage and seek full custody while she's out and about.
Author d.j. Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 Hi to you all, I think I owe you some, so I must tell you what happened upto today. She came home, we had discussed it, not without fight of course but at the end we made some decisions. Since she is all messed up and through the talk I found out, that she still does not think rationaly about everything I gave her let us say a second chance. I will leave her today and go to my parents house for month or two with children, so she can figure out what she actually wants with her life. I will let her go if she wants to do it, if she chooses different, we will have to think and talk it over what actually went wrong. She again said, that she did not have any phisycal contact with this guy and that she is just emotionaly totaly messed up and because she is allso mother of our children I am prepared to wait for some time so she could clear her head and think it over. Maybe some of you guys would say that I am a moron, but I can't help it. From my point of view this is the best I can do for me and my kids and allso for her. After that I think only counceling will help us get trough it .... Thank you all again for your help and thougts, I am very happy that there out is someone who is willing to say only one good word so you don't feel so bad! d.j.
norajane Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Why do you have to move out of your home with the children? Isn't that a major disruption of their lives? School? Friends? Neighborhood? Maybe she needs to move out for a month and stay somewhere else and be uncomfortable and see how it might really be to go off on her own.
showmethemoney Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 Do not leave your children with her! You say she has met someone abroad and you found texts where they are talking about getting a place and moving the children there. Make her leave the home and get yourself an attorney to discuss how to keep your wife from taking your children out of the country. You moving out and leaving her could only result in you coming back to an house with no wife and children. Please lookup sites on parents who have had their spouse take the children to another country. Please don't tell us she would never do that.
jmargel Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 DJ, I've been on here for years and through my own experience I know what works and what doesnt. What you are doing is NOT going to work. You are giving her the safety net to fall back on when things don't go the way she plans it to with this OM. Or, things will go well for her with him and ditch you. Either way you get screwed. Do you want to be a second choice to her? She has NOT faced ANY consequences for her behavior. Stop trying to justify and give excuses for what she is doing. She is CHEATING. Doesn't matter if no physical contact happened. Emotional is worse than physical. What you NEED right now is CONFIDENCE. Not just show it but LIVE it. Make her FACE the consequences of what she has done. DO NOT MOVE OUT. Let her know that you are done with this, that you are done being dragged through the mud. That this treatment towards you and the kids have gone beyond disrespectful. Open that cage door as wide as you can. Tell her that you believe she needs to leave. That unless she goes NC with this guy and gets counseling this relationship with you is OVER. You need to make her THINK, and the only way this is going to happen is to follow this advice. Talk to her calmly, don't get into an arguement. If you feel like it's going that route, tell her that you will talk to her later when things calm down. That you need resolution one way or another and you are going to get it. When she does talk to you and talk about the disappointments in the relationship, bite your tongue let her know you 'understand'. This will put down her defenses. Don't try to give excuses or try to make her feel different than what she is feeling. Let her know that you understand she is confused, however you can't be waiting here when she is getting emotionally closer to some other guy. There is a difference when needing time for yourself to think and time away from your spouse so that you can pursue other relations (which is what she is doing). You have alot of power here, you need to understand that. You start to realize this power you have when you start living and showing this confidence, which is what woman love. But, more importantly do this for yourself!
Shygirl15 Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 DJ, a man needs to be a man sometimes. I can't believe you're reorganizing your whole life (and your children's) by moving out of YOUR house just to accomodate this cheating, cold-hearted woman of yours. The more you prolong this situation, the worse it's going to be for you. Just end everything with her, throw her out, and concretrate on getting your life back on track.
TrustInYourself Posted November 6, 2008 Posted November 6, 2008 You give her space and time to see this guy and expect things to change with her emotionally? She's going to take this relationship to the next level if she hasn't already. You just gave your blessing. Sure, she's going to be conflicted when she talks with you. She probably loves you in some fashion, but her actions are going to betray her. Passion and emotions mean more to her than her family. Your history speaks of inaction and passiveness in this relationship. You are going to end up losing your girl to some slimebag, just because you want to empower your girl with the choice of her family or her passion. There are ways to build this relationship up, but you need to consider your goals and a strategy to achieve what you want. Stop taking her for granted, perhaps?
Author d.j. Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 I guess what you all are saying is true, but there are some variables to count in.. Condo is her's so, I cant like just throw her out, we've had some good talking in meen time and even if you all say talk is cheap, I got some positive feedback from her. Because I do not want to rely on her right now, I moved out so my parents will give me help about children, I do have to work, and my working schedule is messed up 12 h a day for 2 days and then 2 days off a day/night shift .... etc etc.. I made up my mind, if she finds OM better just fine, actually I opened the cage wide... I did give her some time to really think and actually I think she will now when kids are like gone for good - we agreed NC for this time, that she will find out what she really wants.. I did take her for granted... but as I said... there are more variables to count in. btw, we agreed on kids and there is no chance that she will drag kids away from me ... let us see what future brings... regards d.j.
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