Love Frenzy?? Affair Insensity??

[frannie]

We are obsessed with the sex we are having and talk about it for days after. The sex is amazing. The type of sex that sends you places. I have had several very serious relationships in my time and I don't understand why everything is AMPED up so extremely high in this one. We both feel like out of control crack addicts.

 

Is it the nature of a "secret affair"? Is this common? Do many of you involved in high risky cheating affairs have this same out-of-control emotions? Why is doing something SO bad and could hurt so many people, so entirely exciting and arousing to me? sigh..........

 

Now it just couldnt be possible for a regular relationship to have this sort of intensity, right? Maybe we aren't as in love with each other as we think? Maybe we are in love with cheating, even though neither of us have ever done it before?

 

Hello.

 

I think it's quite common in affairs to experience these highs, you hear a lot talked about it anyway . I have to say that I never found the illicitness of an affair a turn-on in any way, in fact it just spoilt everything for me and was the reason I ended it, so I can't really empathise on that score.

 

I don't know what you're 'conflicted' about... not sure if you are either but is it that you're wondering if you could get this kind of high from a 'regular' relationship? I think a lot of people who love adrenalin and sex together go for other kinds of sex: a little light (or heavy?) bondage, some power-exchange, pain, candles (or whatever), introducing a third party, using porn, sex outdoors, making videos together, and so on. What I'm trying to say is that exciting, knee-trembling, adrenalin-infused sex can be achieved with your 'legitimate' partner, yes. To me, that's all the more exciting because it allows you to develop a deeper connection with ONE person, who also shares everything else with you.

 

I suppose what you need to ask yourself is how far the cheating is part of the equation, and how far you're just loving the adrenaline (and can that come from other kinds of sex)?

[blinded]

Conflicted, I am also in the same position. Things started out purely sexual, it was intended to be a one nighter for me and a year later we're still together. Only now, we have feelings for each other that neither of us expected. If it is just the physical aspect, cut it off now and you could walk away with great memories. You're only setting yourself up for more turmoil. Walk away while it's good. Try focusing on your H. Think of yourself b/c no matter what this OM says, he will definitely put himself first.

[jasminetea]

Conflicted, what you describe is exactly what I have with my partner.

 

I've had a couple of serious relationships - none of them extramarital - and they've all been fun at the beginning (of course!) but none of them have had the intensity that I have now. It has calmed down somewhat, I'm no longer thinking of him 24/7, but those intense feelings haven't lost their intensity, they've merely become less ragged, which actually feels far better.

 

So, I'm in a long term, monogamous relationship, living together, sharing all the mundane bills/family/cleaning/washing/ironing and yet still having those amazing intense feelings.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is you don't have to have an affair to have those feelings. An affair may be a short cut to them, but I doubt the feelings will evolve and become something to cherish and be cherished by without monogamy.

[pkn06002]

I think it's because this is really the only time that you can allow yourself to be so uninhibited so quickly. When you're dating, you're still following some set of rules. Maybe you don't want to let on that your into them so soon, you don't want to get freaky in bed right away, you don't want to call too much, say the wrong thing, etc. Those things are exactly what affairs are made of - pure uninhibited lust.

 

Couple that with the fact that anybody having an affair, whether it's for sex or emotional connection, is starving at that point so any bit of attention any which way is completely addictive.

 

You know what that rings all true and does fit my way of thinking during the affair.

 

The one thing that gets me the most though is the emotional connection I formed (and it seems other do also). That emotional connection is "different" then any other relationship I have experienced. That is the part that just gets me. But I think you hit the nail on the head with the idea of you can be uninhibited therefore I was free to really be me, not some part I need to play in a marriage or some "normal" relationship.

[whichwayisup]

Conflicted, you never said a word about my post to you.

 

Isn't that the reason most men have affairs? OR is just a really appauling reason for a woman to have an affair? Im not sure where you got that Im staying with my husband for material stuff.

 

I hope that isn't a justification to have an affair. Because some married men do it, well, that gives me the right to act the same way.

 

I think some of us, myself included, thought you meant material things because of this:

 

I didn't want my life to change.

 

Anyway, what I don't understand is, if you were unhappy with your husband, why didn't you talk to him, try to spice up your sex life with him? Maybe if he was given an opportunity, you'd have hot sex with your husband instead of having it with someone else's husband.

[pkn06002]

Anyway, what I don't understand is, if you were unhappy with your husband, why didn't you talk to him, try to spice up your sex life with him? Maybe if he was given an opportunity, you'd have hot sex with your husband instead of having it with someone else's husband.

 

You see this line of thinking over and over again. You know what talking does not always work, because a lot of people don't care until they are FORCED to make changes. For a lot of men they will NOT respond until there is competition to what they have. So talking does NO GOOD!

 

It is just like the whole idea of why a man will not leave for is mistress. Why leave when you have a good thing with the wife and the mistress. Why change if your happy?

 

I will tell you what I talked to my wife about issues for at least a year before I ever had my affair. Did anything change, NOPE!!! She was happy with how things were so no reason for her to change. She was not willing to make any changes until there was a problem.

 

Sorry but most people are not wired to be pro-active, humans are lazy by nature and will not change or adapt until forced to do so.

[me4u2]

You see this line of thinking over and over again. You know what talking does not always work, because a lot of people don't care until they are FORCED to make changes. For a lot of men they will NOT respond until there is competition to what they have. So talking does NO GOOD!

 

It is just like the whole idea of why a man will not leave for is mistress. Why leave when you have a good thing with the wife and the mistress. Why change if your happy?

 

I will tell you what I talked to my wife about issues for at least a year before I ever had my affair. Did anything change, NOPE!!! She was happy with how things were so no reason for her to change. She was not willing to make any changes until there was a problem.

 

Sorry but most people are not wired to be pro-active, humans are lazy by nature and will not change or adapt until forced to do so.

 

 

I'm going through this exact scenario. I have asked my husband several times if he's happy, he says yes, he thinks we have the perfect life. I voice my concerns, he thinks I'm going through something and that I'll get over it. We're on year 18 here and I've been talking about this on and off for nearly 7 or 8 years. Unless this is the longest phase known to mankind, I think it's safe to say I'm not going through anything. Over the past year I've been specific about things and I've decided we are not compatible anymore - we've grown apart.

 

The point is, I agree, talking doesn't always work. Sometimes things are just the way the are and all the fluffy talk in the world isn't going to change it.

[pkn06002]

me4u2 I am interested in what you get as answers.

 

Because you need to force a change or it is not going to happen. Some people chose affairs others affairs, but change is forced on those that will not act.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and to having an extramartial affair. I am married and now involved with a married man in affair that is only a few months in the making. I am finding that the relationship is so incredibly intense. The emotions, sexual chemistry, it's more like a mutual addiction than a regular romance. Both of us can hardly function or think straight.

 

Its called the 7 year itch and its exhibited by people that can't handle being with the same person for so many years without wanting to mess around with a new face.

 

 

 

We spend hours on the phone, like practically all day. (I didn't know a man could ever be this chatty.) We get very little done anymore. We are actively working on getting some composure on ourselves and forcing ourselves to spend less time on the phone in the daytime and curtail are increasingly risky amount of afternoon meetings. We both agree we need to get a grip and show some willpower and self control. We are obsessed with the sex we are having and talk about it for days after. The sex is amazing. The type of sex that sends you places. I have had several very serious relationships in my time and I don't understand why everything is AMPED up so extremely high in this one.

 

because you have been married for so long and being with someone new after years of being with the same person is exciting. People who want this excitement and can't handle a monogomous, family life marriage shouldn't be married.

 

 

Why is doing something SO bad and could hurt so many people, so entirely exciting and arousing to me? sigh..........

 

Its a character flaw.

 

 

For those of you who do experience these same rampid, over-the-top emotions and sexual preoccupation during your affairs, how long until you become thinking human beings again? When will it give? I feel like I'm losing I.Q. points! Now it just couldnt be possible for a regular relationship to have this sort of intensity, right? Maybe we aren't as in love with each other as we think? Maybe we are in love with cheating, even though neither of us have ever done it before?

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. The relationship I am having with this man is just opening door to all kinds of places in me..and I think him too. I'm wondering what type of person am I really...down under it all? How can I be capable of enjoying something so much that is so very wrong? Hmmm Deep Thoughts...by ConflictedBabe.

 

Please share your experience.

 

I see your husband wasn't even mentioned here as if he is an insignificant piece of trash. It seems that you care more about the affair than your husband

 

So what are you waiting for? Since your husband wasn't significant enough for you to even give a mention, and you seem to be the 7 year itch type, when are you going to divorce your husband?

 

If the sex is so great and the OM consumes your thoughts, why are you not leaving your husband? Him and his kids don't deserve this.

[me4u2]

me4u2 I am interested in what you get as answers.

 

Because you need to force a change or it is not going to happen. Some people chose affairs others affairs, but change is forced on those that will not act.

 

 

I've gotten all sorts of answers. None of them I want to hear, lol! I want to hear, "yes we have a problem", so that we can work together. How can I work on something by myself? Furthermore, sometimes I feel like what's wrong with me that he thinks things are so great, yet I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of numbness. To answer your question though, it depends on what questions I'm asking him. They range from "that's nonsense" or "I don't feel that way at all" or "that's unrealistic" (that one is allllways guaranteed if we're talking about affection or the bedroom). Basically, I've come to the point in realizing that we aren't compatible anymore. I don't think it's anybody's fault, it just is what it is.

 

I don't know how to force a change. I don't even think I'm ready for that honestly. I mean I am, but I feel worn out and numb. Escape or diversion sounds nice right now. Why do I think that's a dangerous answer though?

[pkn06002]

Why do I think that's a dangerous answer though?

 

Oh you sound like me. Yes it is the dangerous answer because it solves nothing it only avoids. If you get involved to the point where you fall in love all h@ll breaks loose.

 

You need to deal with your situation at home before doing anything else. You force the change by forcing it, you separate or divorce. Just because you file does not mean you go all the way through with it. But just those actions will cause a change.

 

My xMW husband changed because of the affair and their walk towards divorce. For years she had tried to get him to change and he would not, she used me as the diversion. Our affair almost became her exit relationship. But he started radical changes that made her give it another chance and who knows maybe it will workout for them.

 

But on the other hand the changes I need from my wife are just not there. So we limp along as we always have. She is like your husband happy I am not. But I know I will not cheat again, when it gets to that emotional point again I will take the next step and dissolve my family.

[Reggie]

I've gotten all sorts of answers. None of them I want to hear, lol! I want to hear, "yes we have a problem", so that we can work together. How can I work on something by myself? Furthermore, sometimes I feel like what's wrong with me that he thinks things are so great, yet I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of numbness. To answer your question though, it depends on what questions I'm asking him. They range from "that's nonsense" or "I don't feel that way at all" or "that's unrealistic" (that one is allllways guaranteed if we're talking about affection or the bedroom). Basically, I've come to the point in realizing that we aren't compatible anymore. I don't think it's anybody's fault, it just is what it is.

 

I don't know how to force a change. I don't even think I'm ready for that honestly. I mean I am, but I feel worn out and numb. Escape or diversion sounds nice right now. Why do I think that's a dangerous answer though?

 

It's easy. Have the courage to end the marriage honestly. No lying or stealing of another's precious time. Takes some courage, something cheaters lack.

[me4u2]

You need to deal with your situation at home before doing anything else. You force the change by forcing it, you separate or divorce. Just because you file does not mean you go all the way through with it. But just those actions will cause a change.

 

But on the other hand the changes I need from my wife are just not there. So we limp along as we always have. She is like your husband happy I am not. But I know I will not cheat again, when it gets to that emotional point again I will take the next step and dissolve my family.

 

I'm not involved with anyone but I won't deny that I haven't thought about it. Don't have anybody in mind either which is, I think, even more scary. I have illusion in my head. I told H that too, I specifically said to him, I feel like if we can't make a change or a compromise on some of these issues then I want to separate to see what, if anything, I think I'm missing. His response "that's nonsense you have everything you need here". Ok, I just can't compete with that answer. I'm on lockdown at that point. He is either not comprehending what I'm saying or he's truly not taking me seriously. Either way, I'm just exisiting at this point in the marriage. How can one person be so yuck while the other is so yum? I don't get it, I just truly don't.

[me4u2]

It's easy. Have the courage to end the marriage honestly. No lying or stealing of another's precious time. Takes some courage, something cheaters lack.

 

 

He is HAPPY. Maybe you missed that part. I'm not stealing his time at all, I'm wasting mine away. I'm not cheating either so I'm not sure where the animosity is coming from.

 

I have to add too that your beautifully simplistic view on things is a bit ridiculous. I have an 18 year marriage here with a nice man as a husband and 2 children. This isn't your typical fighting everyday, cheating everywhere scenario. So "it's easy" doesn't apply. I don't need courage to end the marriage, I need it to stay in the marriage.

[Reggie]

If you cheat, though, then you are stealing his time. You have him abiding by the contract, foregoing options based on misrepresenting your adherence. You are not stealing his time by remaining faithful but unhappy. I was talking strictly about cheating.

And, of course it is simple. If you are unhappy enough to cheat and inflict the type of pain that comes with it, you should be willing to face the realities of divorcing.

[pkn06002]

If you cheat, though, then you are stealing his time. You have him abiding by the contract, foregoing options based on misrepresenting your adherence. You are not stealing his time by remaining faithful but unhappy.

 

Ok Reggie question for you.

 

Is her husband stealing her time by not working to make her happy? She seems to be communicating with him and not keeping him in the dark.

 

So what are your suggestions for her to resolve these issues? Because here is a good example of a spouse that could become wayward after giving their spouse fair warning. Seems her husband is only caring about his issues until events affect him.

[SerenityX2]

ME4U2

 

Can you clarify why you *think* your husband either isn't comprehending or isn't taking you seriously? Why can't you point blank ask him if that's the case?

 

If he isn't realizing the gravity of your uphappiness you have to put it in a way that he does. You said you threatened to seperate etc and he just blew that off. Do you have a pattern of making idle theats and not following through?

 

You need to be heard, you can't live in an existing "numbness". I really would suggest if you two can't talk it out with each other first to *tell* him for the good of the marriage you want MC.

 

It sounds like he may bully you into what *he* wants with no regards to you or the good of the M. Based on what you wrote.

 

I don't understand when couples say they can't communicate, that's paramount to a healthy r'ship or M. Many people seem to play games and think their partner should catch on or guess. You can't play mind games.

 

The only way I would think that he's *supposing* that you're going through something is if you yourself are not making yourself crystal clear, no matter how hard and/or embarrasing it may be. Otherwise he's an emotional bully.

 

A M is a partnership, two people coming together and working together for the good of the whole. Anything less isn't a real marriage.

[mmk1]

I had a 3.5 year A that I just ended. It was all the excitement and intensity that the prior people described for the same reasons. It is all excitement and passion without any of the day to day mundane issues spouses usually encounter. In short, its the best of both worlds, once you get beyond the fact that it is totally wrong.

 

She is 10 years younger and incredibly attractive (married with one child) but we were best friends for several years before we started our affair. It was the end product of a close friendship. In fact, I went to her wedding and our famiilies socialized before and during the A, which I regret.

 

It does end badly though and, despite being best friends beforehand for years and incredibly attrached to each other, I'm not sure it would've worked if we were actually married. In other words, affairs sometimes work better than if you were married because you don't have to put up with your OW's unattractive qualities.

[jwi71]

I'm not involved with anyone but I won't deny that I haven't thought about it. Don't have anybody in mind either which is, I think, even more scary. I have illusion in my head. I told H that too, I specifically said to him, I feel like if we can't make a change or a compromise on some of these issues then I want to separate to see what, if anything, I think I'm missing. His response "that's nonsense you have everything you need here". Ok, I just can't compete with that answer. I'm on lockdown at that point. He is either not comprehending what I'm saying or he's truly not taking me seriously. Either way, I'm just exisiting at this point in the marriage. How can one person be so yuck while the other is so yum? I don't get it, I just truly don't.

 

First things first. Don't have an affair. Thinking about having one leads you to one as you will justify it to yourself and sound like all the other WS who blames the spouse. And all the moral support you have and enjoy vanishes. Promise, I'm a BS and that is exactly what happened to my W.

 

Its also obvious that what you have tried isn't working. I'll say this politely but when you tell your H you are unhappy and he replies "that's nonsense you have everything you need here" - he needs to be smacked upside the head with a frying pan. The insensitive clod. He has no idea what you need. And even when you tell him so he refuses to see. After all, he is happy so he sees no need to change.

 

Time to give reasons to change.

 

Time to change tactics.

 

MC? Have you been? My thinking is since he won't listen to you, maybe he will listen to a trained professional. I bet he denies needing to go. Demanding won't help.

 

If he won't hear you and he won't talk to an MC, its time to get drastic. Tell your H you are moving out. And do it. No need for a divorce. No need for a separation. This is a shot across the bow. Tell him you will see him on a certain date at your MC's office. I bet he shows then.

 

Just a thought.

[me4u2]

SerenityX2

 

Nope, I don't make threats. I think he's blowing it off because he truly can't believe I'm saying what I'm saying. In his mind, I'm nuts because we don't have what most people would view as divorce material. We don't scream and yell, neither is cheating, no abuse - so what's the purpose of suggesting a divorce? That's why he thinks I'm nuts or unrealistic. But I don't think I am, I just think we've grown apart and we want different things.

 

He truly believes we have everything. It's my fault entirely. I don't blame him at all. I've coped and struggled and argued on what I need. He doesn't need those things, therefore, he discounts them as unrealistic or friviolous or just plain stupid. I want laughter, I want affection, I want to try new things in bedroom, I want date nights, I want to sit outside and shoot the breeze about whatever, I want an activity that we can do together, I want him to lighten up a bit and relax, be playful. I don't want mundane, I don't want a kiss only in the bedroom, I don't want to do the same thing everytime we're behind closed doors, heck, I don't even want to do it behind closed doors, I don't want to pass each other by in the kitchen, I don't care if we have the latest, greatest gadget or live in a huge house. All of those things to him are familiar and comfortable and show success. All of those things to me signal a rut and lost passion mixed with complacency.

 

There's no right or wrong here. There are many people who want what he wants. I want a mix of that I guess. I'm not ready to just throw in the towel. I've been coping with this for years and for whatever reason, my coping skills are burnt. They are gone, on vacation, I don't know where they went, but I'd like them back because I really don't want a divorce. On the flipside, I'm just not sure how long I can continue on this exact path. I can't make someone want what I want.

[me4u2]

jwi71

 

Time to give reasons to change you say. I agree, really I do. But this is my doing. I've gone along so long that I think I've blind sided him. I mean he knows I'm unhappy with certain things, absolutely, but he also sees me cave. He knows just how to get me to cave too. He speaks logically and I understand exactly what he's saying so then I go with it, but emotionally I don't want to hear it I guess because I just really feel like we don't connect. I get what he's saying but I still feel empty.

 

Nope, I haven't suggested MC. He'd really think I was off my rocker, lol!

 

I'm telling you all, this is my fault. I met him when I was just shy of turning 18, we married 30 days after I turned 19 and he was 26. He is used to me just going along with things or getting over things or whatever. Now at 37 and him at 44, it's a little difficult for him to hear, sorry, but this isn't cutting it for me anymore. I own all of this mess.

 

Honestly, I am nearly in tears replying to all of this, I just can't reply anymore. I just want someone to tell me what they do to cope until the hurdle is over. Someone has to have some suggestions other than straight into moving out. The thought of my girls not seeing their father everyday makes my stomach sick.

[SerenityX2]

Oh yikes ME4U2

 

That's definitly a different value system. I'm 100pct with you I need and have in my M the passion. We don't have the latest gadget, we are probably less than middle class poor standards, as he's holding down the fort while I'm finishing up my last 7 mos in nursing school. I get that old song "sweet life" the part when "I don't mind being poor, coz when you make love to me honey, I couldn't ask for any more". Not that it's the end all be all in a M or r'ship but it's a pretty huge component for us and ours b/c it's the glue and bonding element. We work on the spice element as well as it like love needs nutured and fueled, it doesn't come out of nowhere. The attraction may, but the rest is conscious *things* we do to keep excitement.

 

Hmmm how do you get here from there? I really, really urge you to perhaps even print out this thread and show it to him. He needs to fully understand that you're dying inside and need him to make a different (not better) effort to meet your needs. You need to tell him money isn't everything to you....you want what's in his heart, stuff money can't buy.

 

What you want is not unrealistic, you need to find out why and what's holding him back from thinking that it is. If he digs in his heels, then yeah, guess you have a crossroads of staying and being miserable, but that's your *choice* and realize that your choosing to stay in a miserable situation, or seperate from him and take it from there.

 

I really hope you can talk to him and stress how important this is to you.

[SerenityX2]

jwi71

 

Time to give reasons to change you say. I agree, really I do. But this is my doing. I've gone along so long that I think I've blind sided him. I mean he knows I'm unhappy with certain things, absolutely, but he also sees me cave. He knows just how to get me to cave too. He speaks logically and I understand exactly what he's saying so then I go with it, but emotionally I don't want to hear it I guess because I just really feel like we don't connect. I get what he's saying but I still feel empty.

 

Nope, I haven't suggested MC. He'd really think I was off my rocker, lol!

 

I'm telling you all, this is my fault. I met him when I was just shy of turning 18, we married 30 days after I turned 19 and he was 26. He is used to me just going along with things or getting over things or whatever. Now at 37 and him at 44, it's a little difficult for him to hear, sorry, but this isn't cutting it for me anymore. I own all of this mess.

 

Honestly, I am nearly in tears replying to all of this, I just can't reply anymore. I just want someone to tell me what they do to cope until the hurdle is over. Someone has to have some suggestions other than straight into moving out. The thought of my girls not seeing their father everyday makes my stomach sick.

 

NO! please don't cave. Tell him it feels manipulative to you when he coerces you to see things his way. Tell him you know you were okay with these things before, but you've grown, you want him to grow with you. That matters of the heart are important to you. If he truly loves you he can't be that insensitve to your needs.

 

If he is that insensitive I'm sorry, I don't know how you would cope with that. I really don't. I really feel if there's a will there's a way....get him to talk, stress the importance of this is destroying you now, you were younger then. Things do change, but a marriage should not stay stagnant, communication must be there for the betterment of it.

 

Like I said, tell him you need him to make a "different" effort, that a M needs certain elements or it will die, flat out and simple. There's enough studies on that too if he thinks it's all in your head google it and have him read those. You have to let him see just how much this is hurting you.

[pkn06002]

me4u2 you are a walking affair waiting to happen, just a FYI. The right person comes along and says the right things the right way you will bite.

 

You best keep very strict boundaries right now.

[Reggie]

Ok Reggie question for you.

 

Is her husband stealing her time by not working to make her happy? She seems to be communicating with him and not keeping him in the dark.

 

So what are your suggestions for her to resolve these issues? Because here is a good example of a spouse that could become wayward after giving their spouse fair warning. Seems her husband is only caring about his issues until events affect him.

 

This is difficult. Seems they are at an impasse. No, he is not lying to her about where he is at. So, he is not stealing in that she has full knowledge of what the marriage consists of. There is no fraud going on and she is free, although afraid, to exercise the honest option.

A spouse not meeting your needs is not justification for cheating. If it was, I suspect that many BS's would have a similar claim to entitlement to cheat.

See, if you cheat, your spouse does not know what is going on and relies on your lies in making decisons about his or her life. In this case, the guy has mad no attempt to mask his position. Amybe the things she wants in a relationship are not the same as his. Is she breaking her vows if she does not conceded to his position.

In your case, PK, are you saying that if your wife is dissatified with some aspect of the marriage and you do not agree with her position, she is entitlted to cheat on you? Isn't that what you say justifies your cheating?

Did the vow you took state that if you are not happy and your wife does not respond to your requests to fix it, your vow was voided. Is that what you said when you got married?

If so, then you abided by the contract.