Love Frenzy?? Affair Insensity??

[ConflictedBabe]

Hi. I am brand new to this forum and to having an extramartial affair. I am married and now involved with a married man in affair that is only a few months in the making. I am finding that the relationship is so incredibly intense. The emotions, sexual chemistry, it's more like a mutual addiction than a regular romance. Both of us can hardly function or think straight. We spend hours on the phone, like practically all day. (I didn't know a man could ever be this chatty.) We get very little done anymore. We are actively working on getting some composure on ourselves and forcing ourselves to spend less time on the phone in the daytime and curtail are increasingly risky amount of afternoon meetings. We both agree we need to get a grip and show some willpower and self control. We are obsessed with the sex we are having and talk about it for days after. The sex is amazing. The type of sex that sends you places. I have had several very serious relationships in my time and I don't understand why everything is AMPED up so extremely high in this one. We both feel like out of control crack addicts. Both of us are absolutely in love but it's a different type of love that I haven't ever experienced. It's not a warm fuzzy kind of a love. It's more erratic, indulgent and obsessive. I think about him hours of the day like some some neurotic freak. The way he goes on to me about his feelings for me and conveys to me how preoccupied thinking about me, I know he is experiencing the same sort of love frenzy. We spend so much time trying to pick each others brains, talking about our emotions, gushing incessively. We are out of freaking control.

 

Is it the nature of a "secret affair"? Is this common? Do many of you involved in high risky cheating affairs have this same out-of-control emotions? Why is doing something SO bad and could hurt so many people, so entirely exciting and arousing to me? sigh..........

 

For those of you who do experience these same rampid, over-the-top emotions and sexual preoccupation during your affairs, how long until you become thinking human beings again? When will it give? I feel like I'm losing I.Q. points! Now it just couldnt be possible for a regular relationship to have this sort of intensity, right? Maybe we aren't as in love with each other as we think? Maybe we are in love with cheating, even though neither of us have ever done it before?

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here. The relationship I am having with this man is just opening door to all kinds of places in me..and I think him too. I'm wondering what type of person am I really...down under it all? How can I be capable of enjoying something so much that is so very wrong? Hmmm Deep Thoughts...by ConflictedBabe.

 

Please share your experience.

[pkn06002]

I had an affair that was like that for 3+ years, those feelings only ended once the affair ended. Yes the feelings are intense and after awhile you can move into attachment which can make this more wonderful and worse.

 

Why worse because it WILL END one day and there is NO nice way to end this type of relationship.

 

I too wonder why the emotions and feelings are so much more intense then a normal relationship. The only thing is seems to compare to is that first true love you have. It all become irrational but feels just wonderful, you do become addicted to it. Coming down from that high SUCKS and you are better off doing now then later. Because let me tell you if you carry on until you hit attachment the ending gets bad.

[2sure]

I have to laugh. And admit it brought back some good memories. Yes, everyting is amped up in an affair because of the taboo, that isnt hard to figure out.If it werent amped up - no one would have affairs.

 

It will last as long as it remains secret. In fact,even after being found out, many affair partners find it difficult to give up so it continues. In cases like that, it lasts until one or two families are completely ruined. Then its just not so hot anymore.

[pkn06002]

I always wonder though is it just because of the secret nature of the affair that makes it so intense. Or in the case of workplace affairs does the fact you meet people with your traits play into the effect? Since when you meet someone at work they generally work at the same place for the same reason you do.

 

Or is it just the whole rebound because you are not happy idea?

 

I mean there has to be something other then just the secret nature that makes it so crazy.

[2sunny]

how old are you both and do either one of you have kids? also how long have you each been married?

 

just imagine how great your marriage COULD be if you put this much effort and energy into THAT relationship instead of the affair.

[pkn06002]

just imagine how great your marriage COULD be if you put this much effort and energy into THAT relationship instead of the affair.

 

Problem is that a marriage does not seem to have the same dynamics as an affair to foster the same types of feelings. I know in my affair I put in minimal effort and got MAXIMUM return. That type of return was NEVER there when I was dating my wife, when those types of feelings and effort are first expended.

[Owl]

Pkn...you remember the discussion we had about the definition of "in love"?

 

Your comment about the nature of a marital relationship vs an affair one actually still seems to support my view in that.

 

That "in love" is absolutely the 'attraction' of an affair...its what makes everything so much sharper and clearer and exciting.

 

Its like when you were a teenager, and "with" someone the first time.

 

Its EXACTLY like that...its that same combination of fear and excitment rolled together...its what you feel at the BEGINNING of any relationship.

 

But because an affair rarely lasts past the 'courtship' stage...it never moves past the "in love" stage...it never progresses into the later stages of love.

 

And many people become ADDICTED to that 'high' you describe...that happens in that "in love" phase.

 

That's what the OP here is clearly describing.

 

What I'm curious about is when she plans on divorcing her husband????

[pkn06002]

Owl yes the "first time" is a good way of describing the feelings. You do get addicted to them, know that first hand.

 

But I will still say there is something else, because the two affairs I have been involved with (first one when I was single 13+ years ago) feel completely different than any normal relationship. The same crazy feelings did not exist.

That is why I think there is something else in play. There is something else that is different then any other relationship anyone ever has. I do wish I could figure it out too, because i would do that thing with my wife.

 

Do you think it is maybe the lack of commitment and the knowledge there can never be any? So you enjoy the relationship to it's fullest knowing the it can not lead to anything permanent? The fact it could end at anytime like a summer fling.

 

Oh BTW Owl I like talking to you, go discussions with you.

[ConflictedBabe]

I have no children. He has 2 children in their teens. I'm 34 he's 38. I've been married 6 years and he's been married 20.

[pkn06002]

I have no children. He has 2 children in their teens. I'm 34 he's 38. I've been married 6 years and he's been married 20.

 

Ok some questions

 

1) Do you know why you are cheating?

 

2) Do you still "love" your spouse/family

a) you only have assets to divide so this question should be easy yes/no

 

3) Are you willing to stop and go NC until you are divorced so you can think with a clear head?

 

Because those three questions can drive your decisions. Especially the last one, because while you are involved this is an exit/rebound relationship that has a small percentage of a chance of surviving.

 

If you continue on the path you are on it only gets tougher to stop. When you get caught or someone gets guilty the crash is AWFUL!!!!!

[LucreziaBorgia]

That intensity is driven in large part by the "unknown" factor - there is only so much you can know about someone you are involved with if both of you are married to someone else. You don't see the 'day to day' mundane stuff. You save up all of the passion and excitement for each other: no 'kids stuff', no bills, no appointments - just two adults wanting each other as adults and not for any other subjective reason.

 

The things you can't really know about each other are filled with fantasy driven false hope and wishful thinking - you map onto your affair partner everything you find lacking in your own relationship, then you become addicted to the image of this person you have created in your heart and mind. You want to know more, you want to have a few minutes more, you want their smell, their taste, everything - and you only have a limited and risky time to do it in: so it becomes that much more intense. You feel you have met your 'soulmate' - unfortunately, not because this person is actually your soulmate, but because you have infused them with everything you want in a soulmate.

 

Your brain chemistry is in high gear, and your hormones are responding to each other in ways that they don't with long term partners. Pick up a book called Sperm Wars - it will explain a lot about what you are both experiencing.

 

As for whether I experienced it - sure. Lots of times. I look back on it now, and find nearly all of what appeared to be "grand passion" in those affairs to be sad and ridiculous now.

 

There are better ways of finding grand passion (of the truest sort) than with someone else's SO. At least if you do it legitimately and within your own relationship, you can be assured that it is you that the person you are with wants, and not just a collection of mapped thoughts and wishful thinking wrapped around an emotionally heinous act hidden from each other's spouses. Sort of like a dead and rotting animal in an expensive and pretty gift box done up with fancy paper and shiny ribbons.

[Reggie]

I can only guess as to why it is like this. Ihave to wrok backwards, looking at how the affair my ex had evolved.

It must have been very intense. These two adults were calling each other and texting hundreds of times each month. My ex must have been really into it as she was neglecting the house and kids and overspending, even stealing the kids' school tuition money to subsidize the affair. She was just nuts in love.

Soon after I found out and asked her to leave, the affair was out in the open. There was still some secrecy , as she did not want the kids to know. I did not hold back in telling her family and our friends about the cheating. Soon, the guy was living with her.

Gradually, I could see that their relationship was wearing thin. The realities of life were setting in and they began to fight, according to the kids. Inabout 18 months, this torrid affair was kaput.

I now it seems trite, but it seems the stuff i was reading about the dynamics was true. The affair, since it was not subject to the everyday stresses of life and was secret was very exciting and unburdened. Therer was also the excitemnt of avoiding getting caught and feeling like they were fooling everyone.

Really don't think this dynamic can be recreated in a normal, above board relationship. That's why it is futile to compete with an OM/OW. The deck is terribly stacked against a betrayed spouse.

[ConflictedBabe]

I never got into this relationship as an exit. I mostly wanted superior sex with someone I was very attracted to and who's company I enjoyed and who I felt respected me. It wasn't suppose to get all emotionally sticky. When going into this I went into it with the mindset I think a lot of men have. I wanted hot sex with a sexually gifted and talented man. I wanted a lot better sex than I was getting at home. I didn't want my life to change.

[pkn06002]

But an affair is still not the same feeling as an adult dating relationship. Where you would think you would get these same types of feelings as you are dating someone and just meet them.

 

An affair feels very much like teenage love, there has to be a reason. Only when I was a teenager was a willing to talk on the phone for hours, have sex like a rabbit etc.. etc...

[Reggie]

Lucretia said it much better than I. I look at the man my ex chose. He was very ordinary from what I could tell. He was not great looking or accomplished. Maybe he was phenomenal in bed, I don't know. But, she risked everything for him and it lasted a very short time. Now, she has tolive with a damaged reputation and all types of consequences. I feel sorry for her, although she hurt me a lot.

[whichwayisup]

I wanted a lot better sex than I was getting at home. I didn't want my life to change.

 

1)End your affair, tell your husband the truth so he can decide if he wants to stay married to you, give you a change to make things right. Go to marriage counselling. If you don't tell, chances are, you're going to be caught. I bet your husband knows something is different with you. Your mood, your energy..Yet he quite can't put a finger on it, probably trusts you 100% and doesn't think that you'd cheat on him.

 

2)Tell your husband the truth, ask for an open marriage, that way HE can go and find another woman to have hot passionate sex with. Would you be OK with that? Him having sex with another woman?

 

3)Divorce and do what you want. Though, chances are, you'll be caught because the MM's wife probably has the same gut feelings something isn't right in their marriage.. It's only a matter of time before the A gets exposed, and when that happens, that little fantasy/affairyland you're in (and him too) will come crashing down and won't be the same.

 

You can't have your cake and eat it too. ALL on the expense of your husband and the MM's wife and his children. Innocent people ARE going to be extremely hurt and it's quite selfish of you to want the comforts of home, lifestyle, friends, family intact, meanwhle on the side you're committing the worst act of betrayal to the man you said vows to infront of family and friends.

 

who I felt respected me

 

This MM doesn't respect you, nor you him. If you did, then the A never would've happened. You'd divorce first and then go have sex all you want in a normal setting.

 

You both are addicted to eachother, it's pure lust, NOT love. Sure, you are emotionally attached, but whatever you two share is NOT based on real life. It's hidden and a secret.

[jwi71]

I never got into this relationship as an exit. I mostly wanted superior sex with someone I was very attracted to and who's company I enjoyed and who I felt respected me. It wasn't suppose to get all emotionally sticky. When going into this I went into it with the mindset I think a lot of men have. I wanted hot sex with a sexually gifted and talented man. I wanted a lot better sex than I was getting at home. I didn't want my life to change.

 

Well OP...your H deserves way better than you. The complete and utter disrespect you shovel on your H is appalling. Truly appalling.

 

That attitude is, well, indescribable. You basically want your cake and eat it too. But you can't leave it at that - you have to ridicule your H in the process. I mean an A is bad enough, but to go as low as you have is atrocious.

 

And to top it off, you want to stay with him. Well, if it isn't love, affection or great sex - it must be convenience (aka money). So your H is good enough to give you material things and that's it.

 

You will most certainly ignore anything I say going forward - but divorce your H. You don't love him. You certainly have no respect for him (aside from his income I mean). You mock and ridicule him. You cheat on him.

 

Normally I would spew forth the usual first steps...but they don't apply here.

 

Get a divorce. Let your H find a woman who will love, honor and respect him. You will never be happy with him. Not with what you are saying. And, set yourself free as well...there must be a man who meets all of your expectations.

[me4u2]

But an affair is still not the same feeling as an adult dating relationship. Where you would think you would get these same types of feelings as you are dating someone and just meet them.

 

An affair feels very much like teenage love, there has to be a reason. Only when I was a teenager was a willing to talk on the phone for hours, have sex like a rabbit etc.. etc...

 

 

I think it's because this is really the only time that you can allow yourself to be so uninhibited so quickly. When you're dating, you're still following some set of rules. Maybe you don't want to let on that your into them so soon, you don't want to get freaky in bed right away, you don't want to call too much, say the wrong thing, etc. Those things are exactly what affairs are made of - pure uninhibited lust.

 

Couple that with the fact that anybody having an affair, whether it's for sex or emotional connection, is starving at that point so any bit of attention any which way is completely addictive.

[ConflictedBabe]

Well OP...your H deserves way better than you. The complete and utter disrespect you shovel on your H is appalling. Truly appalling.

 

That attitude is, well, indescribable. You basically want your cake and eat it too. But you can't leave it at that - you have to ridicule your H in the process. I mean an A is bad enough, but to go as low as you have is atrocious.

 

And to top it off, you want to stay with him. Well, if it isn't love, affection or great sex - it must be convenience (aka money). So your H is good enough to give you material things and that's it.

 

Hmm I certainly, don't know how you read all that in the comment you sited. Yeh, I was looking to have affair with someone for superior sex. Isn't that the reason most men have affairs? OR is just a really appauling reason for a woman to have an affair? Im not sure where you got that Im staying with my husband for material stuff. That certainly isn't the case. My husband and I get along fairly well, although the relationship has gotten sort of bland and mechanical. My main reason to seek out an affair was purely sexual reasons. Maybe for affection too, but mostly I was looking for awesome sex. I wound up getting swept into a very intense sexual/emotional affair, which really wasn't my aim. I suppose I do want to be a cake eater. Which in its own right is very wrong, but I think people tend to be more accepting of men being "cake eaters" than women being "cake eaters" and I'm not quite sure why.

 

Yes I know what I am doing is wrong, but I knew that when I decided to have an affair. I guess unlike other women, my affair didn't just happen. I considered it for several years and finally decided, I needed or wanted to do this. Yes wrong wrong wrong. Bad bad bad woman. Nonetheless I have done it, and from my first post, I made it clear, I'm trying to figure out why I am feeling the way I do and what exactly I am experiencing right now.

[ConflictedBabe]

That intensity is driven in large part by the "unknown" factor - there is only so much you can know about someone you are involved with if both of you are married to someone else. You don't see the 'day to day' mundane stuff. You save up all of the passion and excitement for each other: no 'kids stuff', no bills, no appointments - just two adults wanting each other as adults and not for any other subjective reason.

 

Lucrezia your response really is so insightful. It really helps put things in perspective.

 

I think I will pick up the book. I do feel like I am perpetually drugged or high. I seem to suffer from withdrawls almost. It does feel very much like an addiction.

 

As for whether I experienced it - sure. Lots of times. I look back on it now, and find nearly all of what appeared to be "grand passion" in those affairs to be sad and ridiculous now. .

 

Were these "grand passions" extramarital type affairs or normal ones? I ask that because it seems that the "normal type of grand passions I have had in my life never felt so out of control and extreme and this "forbidden" one.

 

.

There are better ways of finding grand passion (of the truest sort) than with someone else's SO. At least if you do it legitimately and within your own relationship, you can be assured that it is you that the person you are with wants, and not just a collection of mapped thoughts and wishful thinking wrapped around an emotionally heinous act hidden from each other's spouses. Sort of like a dead and rotting animal in an expensive and pretty gift box done up with fancy paper and shiny ribbons.

 

Thanks so much for you reply. It helps so much to read stuff like this, it helps me see things a little bit more clearly.

[Reggie]

I don't see mcuh gender bias in how affairs are viewed. And, Idoubt the reasons men seek affairs are any different than women. I think, for both genders, it is mainly about sex and self validation.

Anyway, you seem to have given up so much control over yourself, like an addict.

Another thought that I'm sure crossed some folks mind is this idea if seeking out superior sex. What about your husband in this regard. I mean, is he free to look for upgrades,as well? If he finds someone smarter, or prettier or more sexually gifted, are you okay if he has an affair? If so, you should let him know that you are no longer abiding by the vows sohe can decide what he wants to do.

Did your marriage vows carve out a fidelity exception in cases where one encounters a superior sex partner. If so, you are abiding. If not, you are being dishonest.

[LucreziaBorgia]

Were these "grand passions" extramarital type affairs or normal ones? I ask that because it seems that the "normal type of grand passions I have had in my life never felt so out of control and extreme and this "forbidden" one.

 

Garden variety infidelity. I cheated a LOT in a few relationships I've had. Nearly every time, it was like you described.

 

I didn't feel that same passion in the primary relationships I had. I can honestly say I feel it now with the person I am with, but it took a heck of a lot to get there - not 'working on it' so much as unbelievable events in our lives throwing us together, and us holding fast together through it.

[jwi71]

Yeh, I was looking to have affair with someone for superior sex. Isn't that the reason most men have affairs? OR is just a really appauling reason for a woman to have an affair?

 

You assume way to much. I would be equally appalled if a H came here and said "I want to sleep around because my W is not satisfying me." I do not hold men and women to different standards. I would be equally offended and post pretty much the same.

 

Your next assumption that men cheat purely for sex is refuted repeatedly by virtually every poster here. Really, any people involved in an A strictly for sex? No emotional involvement guys? Hardly...

 

Im not sure where you got that Im staying with my husband for material stuff.

You said you wanted superior sex, affection and respect. Your words, not mine. If you had affection at home with your H, you wouldn't be wanting it. If you had respect at home, you wouldn't be wanting it. If you had "awesome" sex at home, you wouldn't be wanting it. If the sex is "inferior", there is no affection and no respect - what else can keep you married to him? To top it off - you didn't want to change your life. Considering that - is my conclusion unreasonable?

 

I suppose I do want to be a cake eater. Which in its own right is very wrong, but I think people tend to be more accepting of men being "cake eaters" than women being "cake eaters" and I'm not quite sure why

.

Agreed. Horrible double standard - but we won't be changing that here so no more needs be said.

 

Yes I know what I am doing is wrong, but I knew that when I decided to have an affair. I guess unlike other women, my affair didn't just happen. I considered it for several years and finally decided, I needed or wanted to do this. Yes wrong wrong wrong. Bad bad bad woman. Nonetheless I have done it, and from my first post, I made it clear, I'm trying to figure out why I am feeling the way I do and what exactly I am experiencing right now.

You are feeling what every WS feels. The only real difference, and its a sinister one, is you planned it. For years. Look, kid yourself all you want but you have been planning to cheat for years in a 6 year marriage. How many years where you married before you started down this path?

 

You do not respect your H.

You are not happy - haven't been for years.

Your marriage was probably a mistake.

Your A is certainly a mistake.

 

You do deserve happiness.

You do deserve a sexually compatible partner.

But don't continue this A. Don't humiliate your H by basically saying "I'm cheating because you're lousy in bed".

 

So - get your divorce. You'll get half, enough to get yourself established as a single woman. Then go out and find all the "awesome" sex, the affection and the respect you are entitled to. I'm not being flippant - you do have a right to those things. And it isn't your H, so him free and move on.

[MizzBlue72]

Conflicted -

 

I am in the exact same position as you. This sounds just like my story I am currently living.

 

The reason for the affair? Same as you - sex, and I have some problems in marriage.

 

The feelings? Exactly the same. UNTIL he asked what was going to happen when the guilt caught up with both of us -- how could we look in the mirror?

I couldn't stop crying for three days.

 

We discussed why we were together, our feelings, etc. I made a promise to myself then that I will feel these feelings - experience them and let them go.

 

We both have feelings for each other - neither one will say we love each other. It hurts too much.

 

Neither of us plan on leaving our spouses - so why did we start this to begin with? Marriages were both rocky - his is now in a better place than mine, but I am working on mine more now too.

 

Why did this start? We did talk this through - and discovered that we were and are still missing some vital points in our relationships at home.

 

Now - we still contact each other (I really should go NC) and he lives out of town, which makes it easier to deal with sometimes.

 

I agree with what has been said - break it off while you still have these feelings BEFORE you get attached. It hurts like hell when it hits the fan ...and even more when they won't let you go.

[Reggie]

It is total BS that there is a double standard for men having affairs. . I have never known any of my male friends to condone cheating or to tolerate it in our peers.

There is so much sterotyping among the genders. Women cheat as much as men and more so in the younger demographics. How could there be a double standard if it is so prevalent among both genders?