Melrapuo Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Is being left for another person the same as being cheated on? I'm not talking like having your ex leave you, and then finding out later on (a week) that they decided to date someone else. Instead, they tell you they have feelings for this other person, have told them about said feelings, and decided to date them over you? Is it the same as cheating, regardless of whether or not anything physical happened between them beforehand?
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Is being left for another person the same as being cheated on? I'm not talking like having your ex leave you, and then finding out later on (a week) that they decided to date someone else. Instead, they tell you they have feelings for this other person, have told them about said feelings, and decided to date them over you? Is it the same as cheating, regardless of whether or not anything physical happened between them beforehand? I would deduce that Yes you were cheated on. Feelings=sexual acts were involved Sorry to be so blunt. People cannot just say I want to date others and then do it. They have to try the product out while you two are together, then they leave you. People suck!
sunshinegirl Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Ever heard of an emotional affair? They happen. And it's cheating because the person is betraying the relationship bond with their SO to pursue something with the Other Person (OP). My ex claimed he had not cheated on me but had feelings for someone else and therefore wanted to break up. He was lying. He was spending time with her while we were together, and kissed her well before we broke up.
Author Melrapuo Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Your bluntness is appreciated, actually. I wanted an answer from somebody that wasn't "Well, maybe. It could be, it couldn't be." I figured the moment she cheated was when she had decided to act on her feelings for someone else, and had planned to date him instead of me. I guess she wasn't happy with me for a while, but it's not like she tried hard enough to work things out. I dunno...I'm trying to figure out where I should improve myself in terms of relationships and what-not. I'm sure there are mistakes that I made (as did she). I'm looking for ways to help make the pain go away, and its just seeming like there's nothing I can really do. My depression is getting worse.
Touche Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Sorry but I don't agree that she cheated as you describe this. Are you married? Were you living together? Also, I don't see how what one poster describes as an "emotional affair" is cheating either. If I'm understanding your situation correctly, she left you and started dating another. That's what a person with class and dignity is SUPPOSED to do in order to not cheat on a person. Anyway, it's not healthy for you to dwell on this. Why the need to put a label on it? The bottom line is she chose someone else over you. Now you have to get past that. I mean who wants to be with someone who doesn't chose you as their number one, right? Be well.
Author Melrapuo Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Sorry but I don't agree that she cheated as you describe this. Are you married? Were you living together? Also, I don't see how what one poster describes as an "emotional affair" is cheating either. If I'm understanding your situation correctly, she left you and started dating another. That's what a person with class and dignity is SUPPOSED to do in order to not cheat on a person. Anyway, it's not healthy for you to dwell on this. Why the need to put a label on it? The bottom line is she chose someone else over you. Now you have to get past that. I mean who wants to be with someone who doesn't chose you as their number one, right? Be well. I honestly don't know why I have to put a label on it. Maybe its a coping mechanism? I'm not sure, really. It's just hard for me to accept that she left me for someone that she ended up dumping a month later. I guess this has really screwed with my head, and I'm attempting to look ahead as best I can. No, we weren't married, but we had talked about it. No, we weren't living together on a permanent basis, but we practically were. She has her own apartment, I live at home with my parents (I'm 21, she's 20.) I pretty much stayed over her apartment every night though (and only when I asked if I could. Last summer, I even helped her pay for some of her rent.) I'm just trying to figure out what constitutes cheating. I didn't really put a label on it, but people have different opinions on it. When she first left me, it was a requested break. She asked for me back within a day. Then...gah I don't wanna repost. It was such a mess, it was months ago, and I gotta move forward. I hate being so nostalgic. Actually, come to think of it. I know why I'm probably labeling it. By calling her a cheater, I'm allowing myself to assume that maybe I didn't do as many things wrong as I had thought. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I needed to improve on a lot of things. And the things that I CAN control and change I have. It's just the wanting of another relationship that's bothering me. That, and the fact that she is now dating the rebound's best friend. I keep grasping for things and I know for a fact that healing has to come from within. I just wanna be genuinely happy again, like I was a year ago.
Touche Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 It's ok if you need to put a label on it. I mean do whatever you have to do to get past this but as I've said, I really don't see that she cheated on you. Listen, at your ages it's normal to not really know what you want. At least it sounds like she doesn't. I was the same way at her age. Most of us are. I'm sorry that her immaturity was at your expense but that's the way it is sometimes. You're a sensitive person it sounds like. That's ok. Just try to find the strength to accept what has happened. Hopefully the next person you get involved with will appreciate you more.
nopainnogain Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 For me they would both hurt like heck .But id rather have someone be honest with me telling me there is someone else before they actually cheat. But some ppl are selfish and cowards and have to learn the hard way
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 For me they would both hurt like heck .But id rather have someone be honest with me telling me there is someone else before they actually cheat. But some ppl are selfish and cowards and have to learn the hard way Even though that would be a hard pill to swallow, I would rather have it the way you described.
HighPlainsDrifter Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I think the thing is, at least in my case, there was a lot of sneaking around, phone calls, texts, having drinks together before we actually split when I would be home watching her daughter. She worked as a bartender and the guy would come in all the time, and she'd go out for a drink or two after work while I was home with her kid. So when we get in a fight which she baited me into, she can blame it on me and be talking smack to this new guy 3 days after and be with him the next week. Whether anything happened before we actually split I don't know. I would bet there was at least a kiss involved one of those nights, but I don't think it matters. I define that as an "emotional affair", and that's still cheating. It would be in my mind if I was doing it. I'd feel guilty.
Author Melrapuo Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Hmm...well at first my ex just wanted a break. I didn't understand why, and I freaked. The next day she told me she had feelings for a friend of hers from high school, and that she wanted to see what those feelings were. That entire day I paced all over the house, freaked out, didn't know what to do. Then that night I told her I was giving her the keys back to her apartment, and that was that. It was then that she wanted me back. We spent the night together, but we both knew things still weren't resolved. I agreed to a break, but on the terms that she saw neither me nor the new guy to figure out what she wanted. She agreed to this. However, later on in the week I found out that they were hanging out with each other again. (This is the part where I felt she kinda cheated. If she wasn't going to agree on it, she might as well just have told me so and left it at that.) That's when I went on a week's worth of calling, freaking out, blah blah blah... I tried to break it off with her at least five times, but couldn't do it. The fact that I was making her cry tore me apart, and I went home instead. I guess we hurt each other. What a mess that was. She would get angry at me if she did anything that made me get jealous. This includes wearing somewhat skimpy clothing, talking with other guys, etc. There was even a point that she took pictures of her and my friend (different guy, but a perv nonetheless) in awkward sexual positions as a joke. I got really angry at this, but it made me realize that I had to be more lenient and stop being so controlling of her. And the next time such an incident happened was when she left me. Ironic. I keep trying to justify my own self worth, and to me that means putting an image within my head of her being some...whore. Which I find absolutely horrible. This is someone I dated for almost 2 years, and now I'm demonizing them. This is such a ****ty way of coping.
motive2002 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I would deduce that Yes you were cheated on. Feelings=sexual acts were involved Sorry to be so blunt. People cannot just say I want to date others and then do it. They have to try the product out while you two are together, then they leave you. People suck! I LOVE this answer. It is brutally honest and probably 99% accurate in almost ANY break-up situation, with perhaps the exception of an untimely death. Most people are like monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another one.
Touche Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I LOVE this answer. It is brutally honest and probably 99% accurate in almost ANY break-up situation, with perhaps the exception of an untimely death. Most people are like monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another one. And I couldn't disagree more. That's not been my experience at all. The fact of the matter is we have a young girl here who has no idea what she really wants. When Mel pulls back she comes running...typical of an immature girl. I guarantee you Mel that if you take a hard stance and tell her you're done and ignore her, she'll come running again. But who needs that? She's addicted to the game and isn't in it for YOU.
ioncebelieved Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I LOVE this answer. It is brutally honest and probably 99% accurate in almost ANY break-up situation, with perhaps the exception of an untimely death. Most people are like monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another one. Sugar coating does not make it easier and for so long I had it sugarcoated. Honest to a T is the best policy and I wish I would have had it brutal, yet honest and I would never have been on here. Even if NO cheating occurred, you were left behind by someone choosing another person. I know that feeling and it stings, it kills your esteem and just plain breaks your heart into a million pieces. I feel badly for the OP, but I know the pain all too well!
motive2002 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 And I couldn't disagree more. That's not been my experience at all. The fact of the matter is we have a young girl here who has no idea what she really wants. When Mel pulls back she comes running...typical of an immature girl. I guarantee you Mel that if you take a hard stance and tell her you're done and ignore her, she'll come running again. But who needs that? She's addicted to the game and isn't in it for YOU. So what does that mean? That he's just the "for now" guy and shopping around while they're still together is ok?
Just_dealin_with_it Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Most people are like monkeys. They don't let go of one branch until they have a firm grasp on another one. What a great observation! This quote put it all together for me. I didn't want to believe it, but when your ex starts to date someone less than a month after her break up with you, and you were previously together for 2 years...this is why! It's ironic since she was the one who was jealous and always worried that I had a wandering eye. She always warned me that I better not cheat. I never had a desire to. I would have never done it. Yet in the end she was the one looking around for the next branch to swing to, while I was left out in the cold trying to understand how she could do it. I don't believe she cheated, but I do believe she had a plan before she had the courage to initiate our break up. I don't know whether to laugh or feel disgusted. I feel like a moron, completely betrayed by a double standard I never would have seen coming. I would have bet the house she would have ended things with me honestly... guess I'd be homeless I'm just rambling at this point, I'm just amazed a simple one-liner could say it all!
Touche Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 So what does that mean? That he's just the "for now" guy and shopping around while they're still together is ok? I don't really understand your point. Who said "shopping around while they're together" is ok? I didn't. But the fact is that they're not married and weren't really living together. And in my case, I met my H 3 days after leaving my ex. I had NOTHING going on...no "branch" before I left. None, nada, zippo. Is it better for the miserable to stay and perpetuate a charade? I don't really understand some of you guys. What's so wrong with leaving if one person is not happy? Especially if there were no formal vows taken? One day, believe it or not, you'll probably do the same to someone else (if you haven't already.) That's just the way life is. That's the way it goes. I've done it to others and I've had it done to me. They'll either leave you (the good ones) or they'll cheat on you (the rotten ones.) Accept it. Because one day you'll find the person who won't do either of those things. And that's when you will have found THE ONE.
Author Melrapuo Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 I guarantee you Mel that if you take a hard stance and tell her you're done and ignore her, she'll come running again. I haven't talked to her in two months. I took my hard stance at the end of August. Told her we couldn't be friends. I don't see any running lol. Like I said, she's now dating the best friend of the guy she left me for. When she started dating me, she left her ex. The difference here (and its very slight) is that I didn't know she left her ex cuz she liked me. However, for my case at least, she planned it with the other guy to leave me. But like you said, who cares? I'll meet someone worth it at some point. I just gotta stop looking so hard.
Touche Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Two months only? Come back and tell me if she doesn't contact you within 6 months (if you don't contact her that is.) I can pretty much guarantee that she will. As for the rest, you're right. Stop looking! You're so young. Just wait. You're a great guy. I can tell.
Just_dealin_with_it Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I don't really understand your point. Who said "shopping around while they're together" is ok? I didn't. But the fact is that they're not married and weren't really living together. And in my case, I met my H 3 days after leaving my ex. I had NOTHING going on...no "branch" before I left. None, nada, zippo. Is it better for the miserable to stay and perpetuate a charade? I don't really understand some of you guys. What's so wrong with leaving if one person is not happy? Especially if there were no formal vows taken? One day, believe it or not, you'll probably do the same to someone else (if you haven't already.) That's just the way life is. That's the way it goes. I've done it to others and I've had it done to me. They'll either leave you (the good ones) or they'll cheat on you (the rotten ones.) Accept it. Because one day you'll find the person who won't do either of those things. And that's when you will have found THE ONE. Listen, I think you're making a lot of good points here. Ultimately, we all need to face the truth... that the relationship is over, one or both parties were unhappy, and just move forward with it. If you met your H days after a break up, then that was great for you! Timing could not be better. In my case the ex already knew the guy for a short time. In that time I met him, since I was still with her, and could tell by their interaction that something wasn't quite right. As I said in my previous post, I didn't want to believe it, but after connecting some dots (I've had close to 3 months to do this) I now realize he was the "branch" she was grabbing. Its a tough pill to swallow realizing you were left for someone else. I was just venting, even though it shouldn't matter. Unfortunately it does matter because it's like salt in an open wound. It adds that extra sting to the pain of loss you are already feeling. I have learned something at least... trust your gut! Do not let the hope of saving a relationship when things are rough get in the way of objectively processing a situation. If you are unhappy and your gut tells you to get out, do it. Otherwise they'll do it to you and you may not like how they go about it. I'm not suggesting to hurt someone before they hurt you, just be honest with yourself and with them, and have the guts to do it knowing you don't have a backup plan or someone else (romantically) to turn to immediately.
Author Melrapuo Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Two months only? Come back and tell me if she doesn't contact you within 6 months (if you don't contact her that is.) I can pretty much guarantee that she will. As for the rest, you're right. Stop looking! You're so young. Just wait. You're a great guy. I can tell. We've been broken up for about 4.5 months now. I doubt she's gonna contact me at this point.
ahhhchooo Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 Definitely the same.. even the fact that the person is just seeking another by accepting their emotional advances is dishonesty, betrayal and lying. My ex probably justifies herself (to herself) because she went NC on me when she realised she was betraying me. Meanwhile I'm sitting around thinking everything is OK and maybe she's just busy. Days go by (we never went days before without talking) and I realised something was up. After 2 weeks.. "I'm falling in love with another guy". Even if she had broken up with me before she physically betrayed me, what she did was still cheating! No doubt about it! She persued another relationship while still assuring me I was the only one she wanted.
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