tyler123 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I am a recovering drug addict - I made it up the steps to an AA meeting and met this amazing looking woman that i went to highschool with. She was 2yrs older than me and the QUEEN B of the school - she was wild and I always said to myself if I had 1 full day to hang out with her I would melt her.. Sure enough 17yrs later I am in the same room with her and got my chance.. she is married and has 3 young girls. Everyone warned me to stay away that this does not have a good end.. Hell I heard stories of her during the years of her marriage that her husband and her both had affairs and drug problems. But as the days and weeks went by with going to the same meetings I saw her in a spiritual light, not judging her on her past, i was amazed with her desire to be a better person and i became sure god put us in the rooms together for a reason... After about 2 weeks we exchanged phone numbers and started texting and talking 20-30 times a day. I had all the time in the world since my only job was to take care of me--- and i thought i had a partner in crime. We shared so much of our pasts and it was not long until she confessed her husband was less than a roomate.. Well i tried to be strong but it was inevitable that we became physical involved after the strong emotionally attachment was made. We would go to our secret places and eat, talk, play games that only her and i would get and enjoy. we were brother and sister- cheech and chong- Romeo and Juilet.. It did not matter what others told us and how wrong we knew it was - we kept our relationship going. She confessed that she was thinking about me sexually but her gut thought i would not be a good kisser or sex partner--- She blushed to amazement that scared the crap out of her because it far exceeded any of her expectations and she could not deny it was the BEST EVER "UTOPIA" as she liked to describe it- it was the same for me-- I justified my actions / behaviors because the husband was still using , lying to her- ( i know this because i saw him out several times when he was supposedly working - turns out he was working on getting drunk and laid) She invited me into the house and i am a big lover of children and her kids instantly gravitated to me the way she did- The kids were always asking where I was and when i was coming over to play-- I KNOW THIS IS SICK, WRONG, NO MORALS- but i need help and support even if you want to give me the hard truth.. Her children fell in love with me and I fell in love with all of them and it made me sick to think - the husband preffered to be doing his own thing that was full of deception. we are almost 2 yrs later and we have had 100 times where she said she was working on things with her husband and things we getting better at home.. It made me feel like **** to the point i could not keep my sobriety-- but after a week she would come running to me saying she is confused - definitely in love with me, but way too scared to make any changes.. She cared about me enough to tell me that this is " as good as it gets" and i accepted that thinking she would get the courage to make a marital change as her husband did not change and continued "to do this thing". SHe told me she told him that her and I had an affair and of course ended with her telling me they were going to counseling and was instructed to never see me again or talk to me... That last a LONG ONE MONTH, before she told me how much she missed me and things are not getting better at home.. we are now 6 months later and once again we are at one month of no communication- i had her phone # blocked after she told me things were going great with her husband and i had enough i was / am defeated-- the hardest part of the whole thing is as she views things as getting better - he was in a hotel room the night before doing coke til 3am. She has asked me to tell her about what I know about her husband 1000 times but i am the last one that should have to tell her.. but for selfish reasons and concern and protective reasons I do tell her but each time the messenger (me) gets shot and today they bond together pointing the finger at me as the "villian" this is not in my head but we have many people in common that share this with me.. to make matters worse - even though her home life is "great" as she says and sells. I have sunken to the low end of starting a relationship with the husbands sister. Of course i did this to stay attached, and learn even more about the husband and how he calls the sister up to tell her to cover his ass to tell all family members he is working- while he is really getting ****ed up. It is painful to know that there is nothing i can do other than let her and her kids be subject to this vicious deceit.... I told the sister the truth that I am attracted to her but it is more about my ego and manipulation to find out what is really going on.. Now that i know i cant bare to watch this anymore but i am having a tuff time with this... I would love to hear some ideas -i have heard a lot mostly RUN RUN RUN far away from the situation.
2sure Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Whoa. First, congrats on doing what you need to do to kick the drugs. It is my understanding that AA strongly promotes spirituality as a big part of facing addiction. However, I strongly doubt if it was the hand of God putting you two together. I'm no pro - but it is also my understanding that recovering in one addicition sometimes results in just replacing it with another. It sounds like you love this woman, but really know better. You sound baffled by your own behavior! Is it possible you have traded the drugs for drama?? And I'm being very serious here.
pkn06002 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Oh dude here I thought I had it bad. Don't talk to this chick EVER AGAIN, NOTHING good will ever come out of this. Dump the husbands sister also you are just making things worse in your head.
Author tyler123 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 i definitely tried to substitute the hole in me with a women once i gave up the drugs..... and it does not work... i lost my sobriety numerous times when the **** hit the fan. I know that being an addict in recovery we often need to hit bottom. I can admit today that i am now powerless of drugs and alcohol as well as this woman and the 2 are now linked with my lifes unmanagibility- i cant believe how stubborn i am and my insane behavior. I thought i could help her but i let her **** become my **** (co-dependent) i feel the only thing i can do is let her hit her bottom (if she has one in her relationship) I do hope one day she will be honest as me and see that I never wanted to hurt her and that she was just in denial. similiar to me.. Of course i understand it is harder for her to deal with this, because it is easier and softer to push me aside and think that i am the "bad one" and pretend there is no problem at home.. its just crazy that someone who told me she is in love with me and shared the 2yr intimacy can now not even make eye contact with me... i am sure she is going thru her own obssessing the way i am..
2sure Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Drugs, drama, gambling, eating....all short cuts to try to get to our "happy place". There just is no short cut. You sound so very self aware....you dont need advice, just support.
wildsoul Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 It's extremely common to find yourself switching addictions. And with sex/love addiction, it's easy to think you are sober, as you aren't ingesting a substance. But make no mistake about it, the affair intensity is lcrack-like. Look into SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous.) Go to a few open meetings. You'll find that the majority of people in the room with you have already been thru AA or NA. Often times the issue underneath substance addictions are related to love & codependency. It's probably time for you go deeper and address those issues now.
Author tyler123 Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Still upset that she is telling mutual friends that I was the "pursuer". She seems so scared of protecting her life/security and it pisses me off- Everytime I hear tell someone that " i changed my phone # so OM (me) cant get a hold of her. It seems like highschool where she sent this mass text message to all people saying "here is my phone # please dont give it to ___ (me). Basically i am reading this as i am the bad guy and pursued her... any thoughts on what my exMM is doing . is this her guilt and her way of making herself known that i am the bad guy and she is doing the right thing??? Does she really need to sell this like a used car salesman?
MizzBlue72 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 So sorry to hear this -- Sounds like she needs to make herself feel better, and wants to take no responsibility. Plus - she shuld have known better than to have a relationship in AA, etc. Especially if she was sober before you. Stay away from affairs - and this woman at all costs. Do you really want to be with someone like this? The NC thing is hard -- REALLY hard -- but if you try and keep telling yourself that this is the worse that you feel, and you never want to feel this again, it could work. Good luck to you.
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