Cabernet34 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I've posted a couple of times in the last 3 months but her is the short version. Fell in love with a girl from my home town but she was actually living across the country at the time. She planned on moving back home within a year, and we fell in love in an LDR thinking that she was coming home eventually. Her career took a turn and a big opportunity sent her up near the Great Lake region instead of home in the southeast. We decided to get engaged so that I could move up with her within the next 6 months. Her stressful job and depression with the move and the new city and our LD, caused her to withdraw from me. We never had a falling out. She cried her heart out the last time I visited, but since the visit, the wheels fell off. I would call and she would not call me back. I would email and she would not not write back. Twice, we went 3 whole weeks without even speaking..... and we were ENGAGED. She never even gave me an explanation of why she basically just quit talking to me. We touch base some but were growing further and further apart as I was trying to give her space. I was worried about just how depressed she was. But she just didn't want to deal with any of the issues between us. I got the hunch that she was really struggling with some insecurities from her early life that I wasn't fully in the loop with yet. I pleaded for her to confide in me and she had done a lot of that during out relationship, but not any more. So last week I told her the ring needed to come back to me. if we could regain our relationship, then we could get engaged again. But if she was going to ignore me, then we should not be engaged. Of course I had to tell her this through emal because I couldn't get her on the phone. She replied and promised to call me the next day. She didn't call. The next day she apologized for not calling and said she would call that night, and also didn't call. Now three days later and a few more unreturned calls and emails, I finally grabbed my sac and told her (through email again) to send my ring through USPS registered mail, insured for x-amount and forward me the tracking number, or I was flying up to get it. this got her on the phone and we argued mildy for 5 minutes which ended with a conversation supposed to happen later tonight, but I'm sure she'll be MIA again. I had to do it. In fact I probably waited too long (12 weeks). It's a real shame because she has had a tough time and I'm worried about her, but she is a big girl. She's in the field of Medicine and excells performing surgery on very sick people. Just is very immature with our personal relationship and dealing with tough personal issues. So I didn't like it but I had to man up out of respect for myself. Just never planned on having to ask for an engagement ring back and wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.
2sure Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Being somewhat familiar with the Great Lakes region - I can tell you that if she is depressed now, I hate to see what happens when winter arrives and doenst leave. It has a very real medical effect on people. You have done EXACTLY what a man should do. Telling her the ring is coming back is a tangible thing that she cannot avoid as easily as a phone call. It sounds like one of your big concerns is that for some reason, she is not acting like herself right now and might be making bad decisions. If this is the case, deciding to not be engaged right now is the right thing for both of you. Possibly with the pressure of engagement off her mind, she will begin to re-open to you so you can at least discuss the pressures that cannot be changed. Ignoring you in the face of problems is not a good trait to bring into a marriage. There will always be stress and pressure - we can feel bad when our partner is overwhelmed, but working through them together is what marriage is. It doesnt sound like this is how she handles her problems and it sounds like you do.
Author Cabernet34 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 I really appreciate your response. It helps me in confirming that I'm doing the right thing. I hope that I am. I guess my view is that, although counter-intuitive, maybe we need to end the engagement if there are any hopes of saving the relationship. I'm 34 and had never felt this way about anyone. Being ignored for the last three months, while trying to be patient, is just draining me. Trying to contact someone knowing that they will probably not return the contact. Going NC isn't that much of an option until I get the ring back. So I pushed the issue so that I can begin healing. And at 12 weeks, not sure I can actually say that I pushed the issue. Thanks again
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Explains the high alcoholic rates in Palin Country, Alaska. In certain parts of that state, during the winter time, they lose a lot of sunlight. Not sure how much, but enough to make you feel eek!
BCCA Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Ignoring you in the face of problems is not a good trait to bring into a marriage. There will always be stress and pressure - we can feel bad when our partner is overwhelmed, but working through them together is what marriage is. It doesnt sound like this is how she handles her problems and it sounds like you do. EXACTLY! I can't deal with people who handle problems by avoiding them. Its so counterproductive. This girl agreed to MARRY you, and wouldnt even return your calls/emails? Come on, thats just unacceptable. You are doing the right thing, you need your ring back and to back off of this thing. Something to consider if youre ever thinking of giving this another try with her is that this is how she is going to deal with any situation like this. Stress effects everyone, but you have to be an adult and handle it the right way. She's treating you like you dont matter, thats just not cool.
rod_in_gtown Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I applaud you in being proactive about this. Like you said in your OP it's not an easy thing to do but if you're going to do this you have to do it right, you can't just ride out the storm on a life-jacket wading until your marriage and then hope that when you move to the lakes there will be a rescue boat waiting for you. The relationship has to be solid, and she has to grow up and learn to balance her professional life with her private life. or it's never going to get off the ground. Her flakyness in getting back to you tells me that she doesn't put a priority on your relationship and is putting everything else in front of it. I may also venture to say that she's probably having an affair and is deciding who she should stay with. If you were the only one in her mind she wouldn't be avoiding you like this. You manned up, now she has to tighten up her garders and return that ring... those things are expensive!
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Is there a reason you didn't go up there to find out what was going on? This was the person you were ENGAGED to as you say. You mention her depression and how worried you were, yet, you told her the engagement was off via email. I don't understand your logic here. Breaking up with someone I was engaged to, I would have at least wanted to have made absolutley certain I was doing the right thing and that would have meant face to face.
Author Cabernet34 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Is there a reason you didn't go up there to find out what was going on? This was the person you were ENGAGED to as you say. You mention her depression and how worried you were, yet, you told her the engagement was off via email. I don't understand your logic here. Breaking up with someone I was engaged to, I would have at least wanted to have made absolutley certain I was doing the right thing and that would have meant face to face. Glad you asked. When we split, I had two trips planned. She quit speaking to me the week before my first planned trip. The night before my flight was to leave, She emailed me and said she was coming home for the weekend and that she would call me when she got home. Well, the weekend came, and her phone was cut off. I sat around all weekend thinking that she was at her mothers and ignoring me at the same time. After that weekend without hearing from her, I told her that I was coming up if we couldn't speak. She texted me and said that me coming up would be a bad thing. Then she called me that night and we had a frustrating conversation with her not wanting to talk about these issues we were having. during this conversation I learved that she never even came down! The whole thing was just a lie to keep me from coming up. How selfish is that? Two weeks later my other planned trip came up. The morning of my flight, she emails me and says she got called to a conference for the weekend and would be out of town. Now I worried and worried over the fact that she was likely seeing someone else. But to be honest, the lies she was telling were downright pathetic lies, so i wanted to believe that she was struggling with things and depressed. to get her to respond to me, I have to tell her that I'm coming up. she always responds when I say that. She tells me not to "threaten" her. I think threaten is quite a stretch to use for a fiance seeking a conversation with his parter who refused to communicate, but also still has the ring. The whole "other person" thing, is a possibility. I've thought about going up and spying on her, or hiring a PI. I think going up there would be bad if she freaked out or something. Her work schedule is insane working from about 6 am till 9:30 PM daily and being on call for 8-10 days per month. Her personality is very passive away from work, and she puts unescesarry guilt on herself at times. To me that isn't the personality to swing two simultaneous relationships. But love is blind and I was definately in love and didn't want to believe there could be someone else. But since it was an LDR, she could still cheat on me, without ignoring me. This is why I want to lean to the depression/withdrawal. I'm a thousand miles away so she could cheat on my pretty easily and still return my messages. Of course I could be wrong though. I should also add that her Mother I believe was strongly against us getting married. nothing I did. just a mother having a hard time letting go. But I feel that her mother had been in her ear and maybe when things got tough, mother dug in, and here we are.
rod_in_gtown Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Wow... are you kidding me? the whole "I'm coming down" thing and then disappearing is seriously troubling. It's at the very least rude and unacceptable in my book. Shows a lack of respect for your time and intelligence. Instead of explaining the reasons why she would rather not see you, she lies to you to get you not to come. I said move on before but now I think the correct advice is RUN! This woman is BAD news. Also think about getting the PI and if she doesn't return the ring you also have a legal recourse. Engagement rigns are considered in many states as conditional gifts which means that if the engagement is broken, they MUST be returned to the person who bought it, and if she does not return it, she is bound to compensate you for the cost of the ring.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Wow I can see why you didn't visit. Jeez -no-one should have to go through that kind of crap. Rod is right you're getting a lucky escape.
2sure Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Wow, with what she has done to make sure you do not visit her...it almost sounds like she is actually living with someone.Or so involved that she cannot take the chance of having you there for the weekend. A passive person would do exactly what she is doing, putting off telling you, and putting off even telling you to cancel your flight until the last moment. You may not need a PI, a thorough on line address search can be had cheaply enough. Still, you would only be satisfying curiosity not solving the problem. Unless finding out whats going on would solve the problem for you?
Author Cabernet34 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 You may not need a PI, a thorough on line address search can be had cheaply enough. Still, you would only be satisfying curiosity not solving the problem. Unless finding out whats going on would solve the problem for you? What do you mean by a thorough on line address search? I should add that I know where she lives. I moved her from one city to the other, and also visited a couple of weeks after moving her in. I have keys to her place, since i did all the moving work and stuff.
2sure Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 OK. A while ago I found out my husband was texting another woman in another state. I had a search of her cell # done through a service on line and that gave me her name. With that, I was able to look up her address but I wanted to know if she was married. So, I paid a little more and had a search done on her address, which revealed the name of the man also living at her address. When I told her I was thinking of sending records of the texts messages to her SO, and said his full name....well, that end of the problem was solved. Moral issues aside, I got the information I wanted for about $40. Point being, this MAY be a way to find out if she is in fact living with another a guy.
Author Cabernet34 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 OK. A while ago I found out my husband was texting another woman in another state. I had a search of her cell # done through a service on line and that gave me her name. With that, I was able to look up her address but I wanted to know if she was married. So, I paid a little more and had a search done on her address, which revealed the name of the man also living at her address. When I told her I was thinking of sending records of the texts messages to her SO, and said his full name....well, that end of the problem was solved. Moral issues aside, I got the information I wanted for about $40. Point being, this MAY be a way to find out if she is in fact living with another a guy. OK, thanks. I guess my problem is that I don't have any phone numbers or data to search. I would like to do something though, if it is cost effective? Anyone know how much a PI would set me back? Or any low cost surveillence options? wouldn't there be a sizable fee on top of the per hour fee? I wish I could tap into her phone and get the emails and texts from her Blackberry. Anyone have any advice on how to do that?
SRV Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 -Why would you want to be with a deceitful, uncaring, unloving person that does not want to be with you? -Once a liar, always a liar. -Once you find out about the OM, will you force her to be with you? She makes the choice, if she does not chose you, you cannot force her. -Save the $$$$ you want to spend on a PI and invest it on yourself or close family. -How much more snooping will you do and for how many more years, one, two or three maybe as life passes you by and maybe she is still with the OM living her life to its fullest. -Sorry to be so blunt, sometimes falling in love makes us do irrational things. -Man as a creature has a will and reason. This enables us to make choices in life. You can chose to chase her and be miserable or chose to move on and live life and along the way meet someone that is more mind blowing than she is or ever will be. think about the woman you dated before her, never did you imagine that you would meet her. After her, will come someone else out there, but you have to move on in order to meet her. -You can chose to wallow in misery chasing someone that does not want to be with you or you can move on and find someone who is caring, loving, honest, respectful and will reciprocate the love you offer them. -Either way, best of luck, did not mean to come off as harsh, just a dose of reality.
Author Cabernet34 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 -Why would you want to be with a deceitful, uncaring, unloving person that does not want to be with you? -Once a liar, always a liar. -Once you find out about the OM, will you force her to be with you? She makes the choice, if she does not chose you, you cannot force her. -Save the $$$$ you want to spend on a PI and invest it on yourself or close family. -How much more snooping will you do and for how many more years, one, two or three maybe as life passes you by and maybe she is still with the OM living her life to its fullest. -Sorry to be so blunt, sometimes falling in love makes us do irrational things. -Man as a creature has a will and reason. This enables us to make choices in life. You can chose to chase her and be miserable or chose to move on and live life and along the way meet someone that is more mind blowing than she is or ever will be. think about the woman you dated before her, never did you imagine that you would meet her. After her, will come someone else out there, but you have to move on in order to meet her. -You can chose to wallow in misery chasing someone that does not want to be with you or you can move on and find someone who is caring, loving, honest, respectful and will reciprocate the love you offer them. -Either way, best of luck, did not mean to come off as harsh, just a dose of reality. No, I'm not looking to wallow in misery and chase her forever. I certainly wouldn't want to force her to be with me. That is rediculous. Knowing for sure what is going on , would just help me move on. That's all. Rather than wondering if it was meant to be but didn't work out because of her mother or her depression, I would know that she's a piece of crap and i could move on full steam ahead. Plus if she is cheating, I want her to know that I know. I want her to know that she was caught. I'm not willing to spend and arm and a leg, but i would like to know. That is all
rod_in_gtown Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I would like to do something though, if it is cost effective? Anyone know how much a PI would set me back? Or any low cost surveillence options? wouldn't there be a sizable fee on top of the per hour fee? I wish I could tap into her phone and get the emails and texts from her Blackberry. Anyone have any advice on how to do that? There really isn't a cost effective way of doing this short of talking to the producers of the "Cheaters" TV show and in that case they may end up footing the bill... but why go through national TV humilliation? Since she's avoiding you, I would just go there, rent a small room in a cheap motel (I doubt I would expect to sleep at her place), and confront her and getting the engagement ring back. Plus break-ups are always better done in person than over email or phone.
2sure Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 It is easy to say just move one, dont bother. But this man is engaged to this person. Even if he does move on he is right to want to know what is happening, this is his life. Even if it is just for closure. As I mentioned, I am familiar with the general area she is in. Its an inexpensive trip. You you should definitely make a surprise trip, I say surprise because it is just too suspicious that she has twice at the last minute thwarted your attempts to visit her there. If a visit proves your relationship has been betrayed, you will break up in person and move on with no more BSing. If the visit proves this woman is overwhelmed, you can try to solve the problem together.
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