mytruelove Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 i just got done talking to him. i'm still kinda in shock. it is not all roses yet though... he is back in the dark hole mode. he says he doesn't want involved with anyone. it is just going to be him, his dog, and kids. like i said, i've been there with him before and heard him say the exact words in his past now three breakups. i was reassuring and sweet and supportive as i could be... told him that i didn't think it was possible to go back to that dark hole... you can't care about someone and then just uncare about them...doesn't work that way. i told him it was going to be okay and i knew what i was signing up for loving him. i also informed him that in NO WAY could i go back in that black hole with him again and i truly don't think i can...it hurts too much and takes too much from me. i informed him that i also understood though... need to take it really slow. i am not going to make the same mistakes i've made in the past either. my hands are literally shaking. i'm really scared, happy, confused, not knowing what is coming next... this is completely new ground for us. i think it is the not knowing that is really crazy here. i know i can't pressure him. i know i can't push him. i have to give him time. how hard. but hey, this is what i wanted right? i wanted him to break up with her and he has. he is not running to me right away and i can't expect that. so, now i need to put my plans into fast forward. i have to be free too!!! i have people coming to look at my house that's for sale - so praying it sells so i can finally move on with my life. it's all about taking risks and i can say this is the biggest one i have ever taken, absolutely no guarentees - i can't let the fear stop me though. i really need this support system here right now. i'm so gratful for this place. i really love this guy. i don't know how to handle this new territory at all. those with advice and wisdom please help. thank you so much!!!
whichwayisup Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Just give him time and space to grieve the loss of his marriage. He is in no shape right now to even put in effort into another relationship as he has nothing to give. Also, he just left, so don't put all your eggs in one basket that this is final. ANYTHING could happen. Keep busy, live your own life and don't expect much from him in the upcoming months. He knows where you are and how you feel. Any pressure from you, even in the slightest more than likely will make him clam up and run the other way.
wildsoul Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 so, now i need to put my plans into fast forward. i have people coming to look at my house that's for sale - so praying it sells so i can finally move on with my life. Wow, that is big news. You'll have to sit tight. Don't go into the man cave. Try to remain a bit detached to the outcome. He might change his mind a zillion more times. Let him go thru his process. He told you that he needs to go it alone. But you can be glad that he told you what he needs. You don't have to guess. Just honor his boundary while continuing on your own stuff. Curious. What do you mean when you say "my plans," and why does his news mean you have to "fast forward?"
Author mytruelove Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 whichwayisup "Any pressure from you, even in the slightest more than likely will make him clam up and run the other way" ...yes i know this is true. this is going to be really really hard for me!!! i have to find a way for it not to make me too crazy. i have to admit it was easier to do when i knew he was with someone because now i just want to go running to him. the possibility of rejection is also greater for me which i fear most. i have a history of picking unavailable men for that exact reason. they can't very well reject you if their unavailable. so this is so much scarier. do you think a good plan would be to try and keep myself as very busy as possible, but try and balance it with still trying to be there for him? in saying that i mean just continue to be my sweet adorable self as if nothing has changed and proceed with my own life as if nothing changed...almost forgetting that he is single now? if that makes any sense at all -lol. WS - by fast forward i mean proceeding with getting the heck out of my house and finalizing my divorce. i don't want to jump straight into anything real serious either, but i definitely want to be free.
Owl Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I wouldn't change any plans, or make any new ones based on this. You've stated this is the third time you've heard/seen the exact same thing. Don't change ANYTHING at this point. Wait until something has REALLY and TRULY changed before you consider any new actions. Otherwise you're just setting yourself up for more heartbreak.
pkn06002 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Now you know why most people do not end up with the person they were "seeing" when they left their marriage. Give the dude space and he will figure out what he needs.
Author mytruelove Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 thank you all. got to clarify again..he's not married. it was a live-in EX-girlfriend (boy it feels good to say that!!!). yes, i have been there with him before even though things are on a different level now. which is what gives me faith he will come around. i know i really can't expect much right now. actually, he was so much calmer today that it surprised me that he seems to be taking it so well today, even though he was adimate about not getting involved right now. i also know he isn't as hard as he can make himself out to be. know i can't expect much more right now. time time time. i've got to give it time. he's already told me i've melted his heart and i don't think you can go back from turn back from that. yes, i'm so afraid of the heartbreak. i seriously don't know how to act now. owl, i'm going to try and keep a straight head on my shoulders and my plans will be based on me.
All Star Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 People break up all the time and gt back together. Don't wait. You have to amke your move before he gets back with her. I used to date this guy and his friend the psychiatrist was always around. We broke up and the good doctor was at my door the very next day. He told me how he felt and that he knew it was dirty, but this was is only shot. We dated for 4 years. He was right to get in ther when he did because the ex and I would have gotten back together. This guy was a psychiatrist. He knew how to play his cards. Go!
Die Hard Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 he says he doesn't want involved with anyone. it is just going to be him, his dog, and kids. you should tell him you feel the same way and are not sure you want to continue with him anyway. let him chew on that awhile. tell him you're not sure about taking on his kids either...that'll really yank his chain. remember, he's only got the upper hand if you let him have it. also remember, if you are "there" for him", he has no reason to change his behavior. he's always going to act like this as long as he knows you're there waiting. you need to throw a monkey wrench into whatever plans he has. Make him start worrying for awhile. it's easy for him to sit there with all the options open for him. make him think one of his options is slipping away and see how he reacts.
Author mytruelove Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 all star - thank you for the encouragement. i've never been so petrified in my life. i mean now i really can get my heartbroken because now my hopes are up and now i face the horrible thought of what if he is single and still doesn't want me. KWIM - at least i didn't have to worry so much about the let down before, BUT i'm a wear my heart on my sleeve kinda girl and don't think that will change. the good news is i love and know myself much better now than i did in the past, so hopefully that will help me through whatever may come. have to go after your dreams though. die hard - thanks for the ideas. i just hope i'm strong enough to portray that self confidence and security. it's going to be really hard to control.
Die Hard Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 die hard - thanks for the ideas. i just hope i'm strong enough to portray that self confidence and security. it's going to be really hard to control.just keep telling yourself that if he's going to come to you it will be because he realizes what he is letting slip away(a great girl). But you have to show him you are slipping away. If he lets you go, he was probably always going to let you go. This way, you either find out where you stand, or find out he doesn't care enough. In the long run you win either way. or the third option, he senses you slipping away and realizes he cannot live without you. ball is in your court, girl!
Author mytruelove Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 "balls in my court girl" thank you so much for the reminder of that - i've got to remember just to use my feminine power. there is absolutely no reason why he should have all the power when in actuality he doesn't right? i really believe deep down he needs me. thank you for that!!!
Die Hard Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 "balls in my court girl" thank you so much for the reminder of that - i've got to remember just to use my feminine power. there is absolutely no reason why he should have all the power when in actuality he doesn't right? i really believe deep down he needs me. thank you for that!!!Exactly! You are the prize here, not him. And you are also right that the only power he has is the power you give him and it can be taken away. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the true path out of your pain, one way or another. but for it to work you have to be willing to walk away and he has to sense it.
NewSunrise Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 In other words, make him work for it...YOU that is. Don't make yourself too avaialble. Men will always be men. Most of them anyway. They still like a little "chase" now and then even after they won their prize. Meanwhile, set your own personal goals.
torranceshipman Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 You know, you could listen to the exact words he's saying-that he wants to be single and doesn't want a girfriend. I don't think he'd have said that if he didn't mean it....I dont think there is a you and him right now (apart from friendship). I say give him a dose of what he wishes for - say ok, we're just friends then, and make it clear you're living your own happy, single life too and you two can be just friends. That aloofness might worry him a bit into pursuing you again. If you make any moves his way right now, I think you'll scare him off as he's asked for space. But giving him what he asked for might make him worried you're moving on. Plus, its respecting his need for space which might just be transitory, or could be permanent. I'd get out there for real and see what other lovely guys are out there too!
frannie Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 ... he says he doesn't want involved with anyone. it is just going to be him, his dog, and kids. ... i was reassuring and sweet and supportive as i could be... told him that i didn't think it was possible to go back to that dark hole... you can't care about someone and then just uncare about them...doesn't work that way. i told him it was going to be okay and i knew what i was signing up for loving him. I agree with those who have said - being reassuring and sweet and supportive isn't the right thing to do with him at the moment. He's told you he doesn't want to be involved with anyone. And you're telling him you 'can't be in the black hole' with him. He is probably wondering why you're not listening..? He doesn't want you in the black hole, he wants to fester in there on his own for a while Back off and let him chase you a little, he's got it far too cosy with you saying you 'know what you signed up for'.
torranceshipman Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Out of interest, did he ask for space, as well as saying that he wanted to be single, and didnt want a girlfriend? If he didnt actually ask for space specifically, but said the other thing, I think he has sent a pretty clear message that he doesnt want you to be his girlfriend. Maybe it was an exit affair? Maybe he will be ready one day but it could be a long time from now (I split with someone on a 'wrong time' basis and only now, about 1.5yrs later is he coming back under his own steam looking much more ready. 1.5yrs is a long time and I wasnt waiting!!). I know you want to put a positive spin on this but sometimes maybe its best to take people at their word in situations like this to avoid more heartache. But from the way he sounds, you sound like you're too good for him anyway! I really hope things work out..
Author mytruelove Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 "But from the way he sounds, you sound like you're too good for him anyway! I really hope things work out.. " thank you torranceshipman - you don't know how bad i needed to hear that. he is not asking for space specifically at all. what he is saying is that he has too much going on in his brain and that i am complicating things. that's pretty much all he is saying about that. he's got too much going on and he is getting crap from all ends and he can't take anymore. i saw him this weekend and he was a wreck. his shirt wasn't ironed. i asked him if he wanted lunch, he said no he has been eating tv dinners. he tried to be nice and he tried to make some conversation, but then flipped out when i went to hug him. i guess it is too much for him right now...the one friend that knows about us was there so we really didn't get to talk much, so i backed off- keep my cool- and went to leave. he came out the door after me and said "see you later" - i wanted to say, "no, you won't" but we know i couldn't say that. grrr. i don't know exactly how i'm complicating things because i'm not doing anything different really than i always have. i'm wondering if maybe he might feel kinda like i am the cause of his breakup because he only did it after i took a stand for myself and he felt the pressure of losing me? BUT, it was totally his choice and he only did it when he was ready. it is so funny because i am so happy he finally did what needed to be done (REALLY) and the right thing for himself and now he wants to handle it all on his own - shutting me out. i'm so proud of him, but now he seems to be taking some of it out on me? i know he is going through a rough time, but i am too. i would so love to just lose it right now with him and go off on him, but i know i can't. we can't both lose it at the same time and be down at the same time, one of us has to be the rock and support and i guess it's me. i'm really stressed and scared and angry, but i don't have the luxery of being able to express it. i know if i give him a hard time right now or say anything that i'll just be "complicating things" more for him. so, for know, it's stuffed inside and i am just going through the motions, trying to have the courage to do the things i know i have to do. you better believe we WILL have a conversation about it once things settle though. on a positive note this weekend i picked back up an old hobby of mine, so i'm really excited about that. it felt good to get back into it.
torranceshipman Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 No problem! And look after you first, not him! I think you should get mad at him, to his face, if you want. If you two really love eachother, then now is the time to just say what you need to say and let whatever is meant to happen, happen! If you keep quiet and suffer now, you are not being yourself with him. Sure he might get more angry but so what...its natural for you to react this way. He will be able to put that into perspective if he is a decent man and loves you. Sure he is going through a tough time but at the same time, he's put you through a lot and the world doesnt have to stop just because HE is going though a hard time. He is going through a major life change, and I think he needs to come to terms with all that and go through this huge change and grieve for it. Emotionally he might be all over the place for quite a long time to come-his emotions might come a bit before logic here-even if he really loves you he might be too conflicted to be with you or react to you appropriately for a while. I'd let him go through it on his own, and I think its best to think of yourself as single, as you two as exes, not to be his support system as thats not healthy, and to let him come to you when he's ready. Another reason for that is that you might get wild mixed messages for a while-the not hugging you then chasing you out to the car is a massive sign of that, and signing up to that for the next few weeks or months might be very painful. He has also made it clear he doesnt want a R right now and I think you should show himyou respect his feelings and that you 100% give him that right now. Whatever you do dont let the affair dynamic continue by being the 'sweet kind never complaining, take any crap' partner you felt you had to be in the A, as things are v.different now....
Author mytruelove Posted November 3, 2008 Author Posted November 3, 2008 "Whatever you do dont let the affair dynamic continue by being the 'sweet kind never complaining, take any crap' partner you felt you had to be in the A, as things are v.different now.... " yes, it is very different and honestly that is hard to deal with because if he is single then, hey, there are no excuses, right? no excuses for not being able to be with him and spend time together. no excuses for not being able to call. no excuses for hiding things anymore. the only excuse now is when he has the kids. so, this is a very different dynamic and i think we are both scared of it and don't quite know how to make the transition??? i think he knows it also.
norajane Posted November 3, 2008 Posted November 3, 2008 Flip the script, dear. YOU tell HIM that you aren't comfortable with your relationship and how he's treating you, so you need to take time away from him until he gets his crap sorted out. Then, buh-bye until he gets his crap sorted out and starts treating you like you are a human being instead of a "complication". If he never does get his act together, then you KNOW you are better off knowing that sooner rather than later.
Author mytruelove Posted November 4, 2008 Author Posted November 4, 2008 how do you all get through the day when you just don't think your going to be able to make it and keep it together? seriously, i need help today. i saw him this morning and gave him a present. granted he was better than the other day. he is telling me he doesn't want anything with any women. he told me it is not just me...it is everyone. i find myself wanting to beg him (just for a freakin hug) and i know that is not good. he is so not being fair. i am not every woman. i am not his exes. i'm someone who really loves him. and like i said i'm trying to keep it together. i honestly don't know if i can. i feel like crying and screaming. he has no idea what is going on inside of me because i am trying to keep positive with him. i don't want to make things worse. i feel like i am just going to crawl out of my skin and lose it. how do i get through this?
jwi71 Posted November 4, 2008 Posted November 4, 2008 You are entitled to his feelings as he is entitled to his. Communicate them honestly. If you are sad and hurting because of him, tell him. If you feel anxious about this, tell him. If he is upsetting you, tell him. Do not exaggerate or manufacture "anger/emotion" to get your point across. Be honest. Be open. Express yourself. Make your needs and feelings known. To do otherwise is inviting ruin.
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