sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 WTF is up with all these random guys sending me myspace messages lately telling me i'm hot? so bizarre, and so not true!!! if i really were hot, the man i love might want me. when i get these messages, all i can think is that if i AM good-looking, then it must have been something else about me that wasn't good enough for joe. i am so exhausted from trying to figure it out, but i can't fix it until i do. i wish so much i knew what i did to make him dump me. if it really was just the fiddle thing, couldn't he have asked me to learn the fiddle and stayed with me while i did? there had to be something else about me that made him leave. there's a really good photographer who's been trying to get me to do a shoot with him for about a month now, and i've been avoiding him because i just feel too ugly. i finally wrote him today and told him i felt like i was too fat and that he might want to photograph someone thinner. it's hard for me to even leave the house and go out into the world looking like this, let alone pose for photos. i just don't want him to see me and then feel like he has to go forward with the shoot just to be polite. i don't want to waste people's time like that. my friends asked me the other day how long it had been since i'd had sex. i told them 15.5 months, and they acted like that was a really long time and i should go out and find someone. nobody seems to understand that i love joe and only joe, and that his not loving me back doesn't change the fact that i promised to love him unconditionally, always. i just wish SO MUCH i could have been good enough.
northstar1 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 WTF is up with all these random guys sending me myspace messages lately telling me i'm hot? so bizarre, and so not true!!! if i really were hot, the man i love might want me. when i get these messages, all i can think is that if i AM good-looking, then it must have been something else about me that wasn't good enough for joe. i am so exhausted from trying to figure it out, but i can't fix it until i do. i wish so much i knew what i did to make him dump me. if it really was just the fiddle thing, couldn't he have asked me to learn the fiddle and stayed with me while i did? there had to be something else about me that made him leave. there's a really good photographer who's been trying to get me to do a shoot with him for about a month now, and i've been avoiding him because i just feel too ugly. i finally wrote him today and told him i felt like i was too fat and that he might want to photograph someone thinner. it's hard for me to even leave the house and go out into the world looking like this, let alone pose for photos. i just don't want him to see me and then feel like he has to go forward with the shoot just to be polite. i don't want to waste people's time like that. my friends asked me the other day how long it had been since i'd had sex. i told them 15.5 months, and they acted like that was a really long time and i should go out and find someone. nobody seems to understand that i love joe and only joe, and that his not loving me back doesn't change the fact that i promised to love him unconditionally, always. i just wish SO MUCH i could have been good enough. Segewick, you are doing much better, stop looking at the road behind, only the road ahead. Life is too short to keep wondering about someone who doesn't want to be with you. Get out there, meet a a nice new man have some good sex, good conversations, good adventures. Enjoy life!!! I don't think that when things ended with Joe it meant you needed to join a nunnery!!
Author sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 I'm not attracted to anyone but Joe. I don't find anyone else even remotely interesting. It really sucks, but I promised to love him and I will, whether he speaks to me or not. I just keep hoping that somehow he can feel some of this love I'm sending out into the universe for him, and that it will help him feel better sometime when he's down. I'm sure he's found a fiddle player who's way smarter, sexier, cooler, and more talented than I will ever be, so he probably doesn't need my love at all, but still, it's out here for him.
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Pick your self esteem off of the floor!!!! I am sending you a PM!!!
northstar1 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I'm not attracted to anyone but Joe. I don't find anyone else even remotely interesting. It really sucks, but I promised to love him and I will, whether he speaks to me or not. I just keep hoping that somehow he can feel some of this love I'm sending out into the universe for him, and that it will help him feel better sometime when he's down. I'm sure he's found a fiddle player who's way smarter, sexier, cooler, and more talented than I will ever be, so he probably doesn't need my love at all, but still, it's out here for him. Tough love here Sedgewick, but you need to break that record that keeps playing. You can send him all the love you want, but where is it getting you in YOUR LIFE? You need happiness and love in your life. Time to send that love to someone who is going to send it back.
ioncebelieved Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I'm not attracted to anyone but Joe. I don't find anyone else even remotely interesting. It really sucks, but I promised to love him and I will, whether he speaks to me or not. I just keep hoping that somehow he can feel some of this love I'm sending out into the universe for him, and that it will help him feel better sometime when he's down. I'm sure he's found a fiddle player who's way smarter, sexier, cooler, and more talented than I will ever be, so he probably doesn't need my love at all, but still, it's out here for him. I understand that feeling about being attracted to only one and I struggle with it all the time. It bothers me at times, that I feel I will never find another I am attracted to like my ex, or will I have the same connection. I think that is the normal part of healing.
Author sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Time to send that love to someone who is going to send it back. I don't think that person exists! Nobody ever flirts with me in real life, and I'm definitely not ever flirting with anyone again.
CaliGuy Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Sedge, your life will never more forward as long as you are focused on the past. Saying "I only love this guy" is what is holding you back. With the rut that you are in, only YOU can pull yourself out it. You either decide you are tired of feeling this way and move forward or you continue to decline. It's a choice, really. The choice you've made is to stay stagnant and depressed. We either take control of our lives or we give it up to our feelings. Really. What controls you? You -- or your emotions?
Author sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 I just don't feel like I can be with anyone else when I still don't know what it was about me that made Joe leave. The next person would just leave too. I wish so much that I could ask him what I did wrong, but I can't.
Rooster_DAR Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Hey Seg, If you can remember in the not too distant past, I was in the same boat as you. I was absolutely sure I would never accept the fact that I lost her. But I can honestly say I have confronted the demons holding me back, and realized I have to move forward at all costs. I have now met someone I truly connected with many years ago and it's been an incredible few weeks of bliss for me. The sparks are flying and I feel so incredible with her, although we are taking things slow. I understand how you are feeling, you need to hit that breaking point and perhaps try a little harder to accept things the way they are. As always, I'm here to help. Cheers!
frd150 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Aww Sedg, I posted in another thread about how I still hurt a bit when I think of the "ONE" that walked out on me 9(you remember Caliguy). Anyway, I loved her without condition fat or thin sick or healthy but that was not enough for her. I put her on this pedestal even months after she left meanwhile she was out with the one that broke us up. I guess what Im trying to say is love without condition is wonderful but when its a detriment to the one giving that love then there is a problem.Joe is the big looser here. Remember, what we see in ourselves is not always what others see.
sunshinegirl Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Hey Seg, If you can remember in the not too distant past, I was in the same boat as you. I was absolutely sure I would never accept the fact that I lost her. But I can honestly say I have confronted the demons holding me back, and realized I have to move forward at all costs. I have now met someone I truly connected with many years ago and it's been an incredible few weeks of bliss for me. The sparks are flying and I feel so incredible with her, although we are taking things slow. I understand how you are feeling, you need to hit that breaking point and perhaps try a little harder to accept things the way they are. As always, I'm here to help. Cheers! Rooster, that's AWESOME! Have you posted about this anywhere else? (sorry, haven't looked up your threads) If not, you would give a lot of people on this board some hope to hear that you've recovered and are in something great now.
ahhhchooo Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 sedg, I think you need to end the self-pity party and just accept that you were no longer attractive to this particular guy. That doesn't make you an unattractive person to everyone else. He's not the only guy in the world you are capable of loving, either. You just need to let go of him and be willing to face the fact you might never find love again... but you probably will.
Author sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 Do you think I'm not aware that I wasn't attractive to him any longer? I don't think I ever was, and it's that lie that hurts. He's the only person on the planet to whom I care one bit about being attractive. As such, I can't stop beating myself up for it. Rooster, that's great! I wish I could love again someday. It must be nice!
ahhhchooo Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Do you think I'm not aware that I wasn't attractive to him any longer? I don't think I ever was, and it's that lie that hurts. He's the only person on the planet to whom I care one bit about being attractive. As such, I can't stop beating myself up for it. Rooster, that's great! I wish I could love again someday. It must be nice! If you weren't attractive to him, why was he with you in the first place? Either you were, or he was an idiot wasting his own time, so why was he worth your time? Maybe he's the only person on the planet you care about being attractive to... but accept that's probably never going to happen again. Move on. Dwelling on it is only going to prolong your misery and stop you from finding someone better than him. We've all been there and many of us still are. You can't let it go on forever.
CaliGuy Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I just don't feel like I can be with anyone else when I still don't know what it was about me that made Joe leave. The next person would just leave too. I wish so much that I could ask him what I did wrong, but I can't. Sedgwick, you are ASSUMING that he left you due to their being something *wrong* with you. Most of the time there isn't anything wrong with us, it’s just not a good fit. Look, I recently had an experience with a really nice gal who I liked -- as a friend. I couldn't help that I didn't feel romantically attracted to her. It wasn't that there was anything wrong with her. In fact, she really had her stuff together. She was nice and fun to be around but there just wasn't any sparks from my side. Does that mean there is anything wrong with her? No. Does that means she is not loveable? Not at all. All it means is that she wasn't a good fit for ME. That's it and nothing more. You're creating a lot of false assumptions about yourself. Maybe to "Joe" you weren't the right woman, but there is a guy out there who thinks the world of YOU (and whom you will think the world of) but until you get this Joe character off your brain, you will NEVER meet him. You are destroying your future by living in the past. Personally, I don't give a FLIP what anyone thinks about me who would leave me. Hell, they still stalk me to some degree. And you know what that tells me? They didn't realize what they had until I was gone. That is THEIR loss, not mine. I'm sure this Joe guy has some regrets but whatever pushed him to leave you, it doesn't mean that you are unworthy or not of value. All it simply means is that he was the WRONG guy for you. Period. End of story. Now instead of wasting your value energy on a guy who doesn't appreciate you, why not pick yourself up by the bootstraps, get yourself active (gym, friends, hobbies) and love yourself? Because if you can't love yourself, you can't expect anyone else to love you. Once again: "You are the only person on this planet responsible for your wants, needs and happiness." No one is obligated to do it for you. Now, do you want to live and be happy or sulk? It's a choice, like it or not.
Author sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 I just feel like I found the one I love, he didn't love me, for some reason he lied and said he did, and lied and said I was attractive. There is no way I could ever trust another human being after that. I'll always assume that anyone who says they find me good-looking is a liar. And I seriously NEVER get flirted with AT ALL in real life, so having another boyfriend probably isn't going to happen. I had to chase Joe for almost a year before he noticed I existed, and I will NEVER EVER chase anyone again. The potential humiliation is just too great to take that chance. I don't want to bother and annoy anyone else like I did with Joe. I can't imagine there being anyone out there for whom I would be right.
CaliGuy Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I just feel like I found the one I love, he didn't love me, for some reason he lied and said he did, and lied and said I was attractive. Quite possibly a player who was using you for sex. Just because he is a jerk doesn't mean you are unworthy of being loved. He was just an ass. There is no way I could ever trust another human being after that. I'll always assume that anyone who says they find me good-looking is a liar. And I seriously NEVER get flirted with AT ALL in real life, so having another boyfriend probably isn't going to happen. Again, if you see no value in yourself, nor will others. And the proof is in your next statement…. I had to chase Joe for almost a year before he noticed I existed, If you had to chase him, he never really wanted to be caught by you. That's the problem. You persisted with someone who, maybe from the beginning never had you in his long range plans. Not your fault. You wanted him. But perhaps too much? If you have to chase that hard, something is wrong. and I will NEVER EVER chase anyone again. The potential humiliation is just too great to take that chance. I don't want to bother and annoy anyone else like I did with Joe. I can't imagine there being anyone out there for whom I would be right. Until you do, there won't be. Until you realize you are loveable just as you are, you'll have a hard time finding anyone who will see you the same way you do. It's all about perception. You're using negative "Cognative Behavioral Therapy". In other words, you feel how you think. If you continue to think of yourself negatively, that is the outward appearance you will give to others. If you change your internal perception of yourself, it will naturally gravitate outwards making you much more attractive to others. Make sense? I didn't believe it first until I tried it. Trust me, it works. Big time.
Mary3 Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Quite possibly a player who was using you for sex. Just because he is a jerk doesn't mean you are unworthy of being loved. He was just an ass. Again, if you see no value in yourself, nor will others. And the proof is in your next statement…. If you had to chase him, he never really wanted to be caught by you. That's the problem. You persisted with someone who, maybe from the beginning never had you in his long range plans. Not your fault. You wanted him. But perhaps too much? If you have to chase that hard, something is wrong. Until you do, there won't be. Until you realize you are loveable just as you are, you'll have a hard time finding anyone who will see you the same way you do. It's all about perception. You're using negative "Cognative Behavioral Therapy". In other words, you feel how you think. If you continue to think of yourself negatively, that is the outward appearance you will give to others. If you change your internal perception of yourself, it will naturally gravitate outwards making you much more attractive to others. Make sense? I didn't believe it first until I tried it. Trust me, it works. Big time. Cali says it best ! Its not about the fact that he left you because you were unattractive ( or that he perceived you as unattractive ) but its more that your whole value and worth is tied up in what Joe thinks. I can tell you Joe sensed alot of things about you and THATS why he left you. This is your wakeup call to get some therapy , counseling and WORK on building a new strong confident you ! You are very right when you say it wont work with another man. Yes , thats true because he will pick up on your Negativity and Low self Worth. Get healed and get strong , know your true VALUE and NEVER ever let a man validate who you are , Only YOU can know you true value and worth
Author sedgwick Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Sigh. Here is where I give the same response I've given 293847293847293847293 times on LS now. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, it is behavioral therapy. It's DBT, look it up if necessary, it's specifically for borderlines. Not only am I not a stranger to therapy, I'm writing a memoir about it. This is not a "wake-up call." I was diagnosed at 19 and am now 37. I've been around and around the therapy block. The reason I had to chase him for a year is that a) he had a girlfriend, with whom I later found out he never had sex because it "never felt right" to him (they were together 8 or 9 months), and b) it is nigh unto impossible to get him to look up from his bass. When I say this guy was obsessed with music, I mean, like, imagine Rainman and then multiply that by ten. He talked about the bass in bed. He slept with the bass. He would sometimes not want to come over to my place because he hadn't slept with his bass in several nights. He did not leave me because I was insecure. I was totally vigilant about never letting him see any of my insecurities, and I'd just done 1.5 years of DBT when I met him and was doing great. I fully trusted and loved him, and he told me often that I was the most easygoing girlfriend he'd ever had. This crash happened AFTER HE LEFT ME. I had some self-esteem when I met him. God how I would love to never have to type all this out again!!!!!
Hersheys Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Everytime I read your posts, I always look for this line: "He broke up with me because I'm not a musician." I think it's settled now that there's nothing you can do about it no matter how BRILLIANT AND ATTRACTIVE you are. I agree with the other post, snap out of it.
williamz Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 no offense but this guy sounds like he has way more wrong with him than you do. He sleeps with his bass and dumped you because you didn't learn the fiddle? That sounds like the beginning of an unsolved mysteries episode. I'm the most impassioned musician I know, and even I would place a gf ahead in my priorities.
CaliGuy Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Sigh. Here is where I give the same response I've given 293847293847293847293 times on LS now. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, it is behavioral therapy. It's DBT, look it up if necessary, it's specifically for borderlines. Not only am I not a stranger to therapy, I'm writing a memoir about it. This is not a "wake-up call." I was diagnosed at 19 and am now 37. I've been around and around the therapy block. Ok that's good! The reason I had to chase him for a year is that a) he had a girlfriend, with whom I later found out he never had sex because it "never felt right" to him (they were together 8 or 9 months), and b) it is nigh unto impossible to get him to look up from his bass. Ok so he has several problems I can identify just from this statement alone. When I say this guy was obsessed with music, I mean, like, imagine Rainman and then multiply that by ten. He talked about the bass in bed. He slept with the bass. He would sometimes not want to come over to my place because he hadn't slept with his bass in several nights. To quote Hank Hill: "That boy ain't right..." And that's putting it lightly. You were attracted to a totally disfunctional 'tard..... He did not leave me because I was insecure. I was totally vigilant about never letting him see any of my insecurities, and I'd just done 1.5 years of DBT when I met him and was doing great. I fully trusted and loved him, and he told me often that I was the most easygoing girlfriend he'd ever had. This crash happened AFTER HE LEFT ME. I had some self-esteem when I met him. God how I would love to never have to type all this out again!!!!! How about instead you take a look at this chump for what he is...a complete LOSER. I've been rejected by female versions of this guy. It took me a little while, but once I stepped back from the relationship and saw them for who they were I was like "WTF was I thinking?!" Love...nay LUST can make us do some really retarded things. It screws up our judgement. It makes us THINK we're less valuable than we really are, simply because some jackass rejects us. Trust me, after getting my act together, I am finding more success than EVER. And I am 39 freaking years old, for crying out loud! I am more attractive to the opposite sex simply because I stopped caring what other people think of me and started seeking my approval from within. Who gives a flip what other people think about you, my dear? You were attracted to a total loser. It's not your fault. You can't help who you are attracted to. But you can take a look at what the relationship truly was and be thankful you go away. Better to be single and lonely than married and miserable. And trust me, had you stayed with him, you would have been miserable....
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