Really bad day: My ex has finally gotten herself a new man

[Arcane]

Well, I've expected this for awhile now. My ex (we broke up in february) has finally gotten herself a new man. I'm still totally in love with her and have been trying to get her back since we broke up. She might a guy earlier this month. Thing is, he lives in another state, about 8 hours away, so she's only hung out with him in person twice. One of those times I was there for the entire weekend as well, so she didn't spend any time with him alone that weekend. They've been talking online and on the phone pretty frequently. Now all of a sudden, he's up here spending the weekend at her apartment. I knew it was coming, just didn't expect it to be this soon. We've tried to remain friends since we broke up, and I thought that was going pretty well. Until today when she lied to me though. She told me her mom was coming to spend the night at her house tonite. I drove by, and was going to stop in and say hi since I haven't seen her mom in a while. When I pulled into her parking lot, I didn't see her mom's car, but I saw this guy's car. I knew she was interested in the guy, and I fully expected her to start dating him eventually, but I'm just really pissed off and hurt that she's lie to me about him. I guess I really don't need any advice or anything, I'm just kinda ranting because I'm furious.

[Arcane]

Well this is just wonderful. I went over to her house today to ask her about why she felt the need to lie to me. Things got kinda ugly, she threw alot of stuff back in my face, essentially telling me everything was completely my fault and how she didn't even think she could be friends with me anymore. To top it all off, I grabbed her wrist/hand (she's got very small hands compared to me) to try and stop her from going inside. Nothing forceful, just holding her wrist. Now for some reason she seems to be afraid of me and thinks I might try to hurt her. That's complately off base though. I would never ever lay a finger on her or any other woman in anger. I've never been a violent person, and I would absolutely never in my life do anything to hurt her. I love her so much and to think that shes afraid of me and doesn't want to speak to me anymore is absolutely devastating. If I wasn't so uncomortable with pain, I'd probably kill myself. I keep trying to get over her, but everytime I make progress, something happens again to make me fall apart. I've been through plenty of girlfriends and never before in my life have I felt like this. Logically I know I should just put it all behind me and move on, but emotionally I can't let go. She means so much to me. She's been my best friend and closest confidante for the last 3 years and to think that her feelings have changed so much that she doesn't even want to be around me anymore is the worst thing I can imagine.

[moimeme]

Buddy, it's over. You need to get counselling. You cannot remain in her life and you have no business expecting her to tell you all about her life without you. You are getting perilously close to stalking.

 

To top it all off, I grabbed her wrist/hand (she's got very small hands compared to me) to try and stop her from going inside.

 

I have news for you. You have NO right to stop anybody from going anywhere. This does constitute assault, it is a warning sign of abuse, and you better never do it again because she could charge you. I called the cops on one guy when he wouldn't let me leave a room. Next time, he pulled the phone out of the wall. People like you who don't understand that that is wrong and why DO become abusers.

 

I repeat - STAY AWAY from her and get counselling NOW. You think your thinking is all right, but it is not. You are justifying very bad behaviour to yourself. This is what abusers do. She is your EX so leave her alone to live her life without you.

[Arcane]

Whoa now. I think you're reading a little deep into things. I have never stalked her, or abused her. I would never harm a hair on her head, or any other female's for that matter. It was in no way assault, and I did not harm or restrain her in any way. I grabbed her hand for a second, and let go when she pulled away. I didn't even stop her from going inside. As soon as she put up any kind of resistance, I let go. You're probably right about the counselling, but that's not gonna happen unfortunately. I'm broke and can barely pay my rent as it is, much less the bill for some shrink. I don't see how you can construe anything I've said as stalking. Like I said, I knew she had been kinda talking to/seeing this guy, and that's not even the issue. The main issue was that she lied to me and we're supposed to be friends. I've pretty much left her to her own business for the last several months except to hang out as friends and talk on the phone once in a while. Yes, I am still in love with her. My efforts to get her back consisted of a few emails telling her how I feel. Nothing more. It's not like I drive up and down the street in front of her house, or follow her around or anything like that. I don't know where you get off accusing me of stalking or of abuse. Just because you were involved with a violent guy doesn't mean all guys are like that. I'm probably the most non-violent, passive person you could ever meet. I've never even hit another guy, much less a girl and frankly I'm pretty offended by your accusations. Plus, I NEVER said I don't understand that it was grabbing her hand was wrong, especially after the way she reacted to it. I called her after I got home and apologized profusely. I never meant to scare her or make her think I was going to assault her in any way. I think she's ok with that now, and she's accepted my apology, but sadly I don't think she really even wants to be friends anymore. I realize that it's over, and I never expected her to tell me every little detail of her life, I was just hurt that she'd lie to me and wanted an explanation of why she felt the need to lie and nothing more, thank you very much.

[moimeme]

and let go when she pulled away

.

 

Whew.

 

I'm broke and can barely pay my rent as it is, much less the bill for some shrink.

 

There are a lot of free social services out there.

 

The main issue was that she lied to me and we're supposed to be friends.

 

You can't really be friends with an ex. When they start into a new relationship, it's time for you to move on and quit seeing them. Their first loyalty is to the new guy and that means you're not the confidant any more.

 

I don't know where you get off accusing me of stalking or of abuse.

 

I went by the tale as you told it. Restraining someone against her will is abuse - you didn't say you let her go right away in your first post.

 

I called her after I got home and apologized profusely. I never meant to scare her or make her think I was going to assault her in any way.

 

Well done.

 

I was just hurt that she'd lie to me and wanted an explanation of why she felt the need to lie and nothing more, thank you very much.

 

Well, last night you weren't saying you were 'hurt', you said

 

I'm just kinda ranting because I'm furious.

 

You are entitled to be hurt. You are NOT entitled to be 'furious' and if her actions leave you feeling 'furious' then you are on the edge of excessive anger. That is an over-reaction, particularly from someone who claims to be only 'hurt'.

 

I'd probably kill myself

 

Again, this is an extreme reaction. Violent people deal in extremes. By the way, my violent ex wrote a very eloquent letter to the editor of our local newspaper condemning men who beat up women. You see, violent men can be very poor at understanding their behaviour. You may or may not be violent or abusive, but excessive anger is not a good sign in anybody.

 

Whatever sort of person you are, you need to stay away from her. Period. Move on.

[Arcane]

Originally posted by moimeme

 

Whatever sort of person you are, you need to stay away from her. Period. Move on.

 

Well, that was the plan. I also sent her an email, in addition to speaking with her, apologizing again and letting her know that I wouldn't be contacting her very much any more if at all adn told her to call me if/when she felt like she was ready to be friends again. It's probably best that way anyway. I guess I need to break contact in order to get over her completely.

[Paul]

Contradictions and hypocrisy abound:

 

Originally posted by Arcane

I'm still totally in love with her and have been trying to get her back since we broke up.

 

vs.

 

We've tried to remain friends since we broke up, and I thought that was going pretty well. Until today when she lied to me though. The main issue was that she lied to me and we're supposed to be friends.

 

You just want to be friends, but you've been trying to get her back since you broke up. Is this not a form of lying?

 

One of those times I was there for the entire weekend as well, so she didn't spend any time with him alone that weekend.

 

vs.

 

I've pretty much left her to her own business for the last several months except to hang out as friends and talk on the phone once in a while.

 

Sounds to me like you've been too busy playing the role of chaperon to really give her any personal privacy.

 

I drove by, and was going to stop in and say hi since I haven't seen her mom in a while. When I pulled into her parking lot, I didn't see her mom's car, but I saw this guy's car. I knew she was interested in the guy, and I fully expected her to start dating him eventually, but I'm just really pissed off and hurt that she's lie to me about him.

 

vs.

 

It's not like I drive up and down the street in front of her house, or follow her around or anything like that. I don't know where you get off accusing me of stalking or of abuse. Well this is just wonderful. I went over to her house today to ask her about why she felt the need to lie to me.

 

You're not driving in front of her house, just paying a visit to good ol' mom. Right. Can you sincerely say you planning on only visiting with her mother? I assume your ex-girlfriend did not know you intended to stop by.

 

 

To top it all off, I grabbed her wrist/hand (she's got very small hands compared to me) to try and stop her from going inside. Nothing forceful, just holding her wrist.

 

vs.

 

I'm just kinda ranting because I'm furious. Now for some reason she seems to be afraid of me and thinks I might try to hurt her. That's complately off base though. I would never ever lay a finger on her or any other woman in anger.

 

You were pissed off and you forcefully restrained her against her will. You can paint as many rainbows over that as you wish, but it won't change the fact that you assulted her. You were "furious" but now would never do act out on anger.

 

If I wasn't so uncomortable with pain, I'd probably kill myself. I keep trying to get over her, but everytime I make progress, something happens again to make me fall apart.

 

Pete Droge wrote a song once called "If you don't love me (I'll kill myself)," which explored the idea of suicidal ideation as a form of emotional blackmail to get a girl to love him. I see some interesting parallels. You've undoubtedly shared your despair with her? If you are feeling suicidal or having suicidal thoughts, turn off your computer, get off the Internet and dial 911 right now. And what's this "something happens" crap? Could it be....

 

I'm still totally in love with her and have been trying to get her back since we broke up.

 

You're probably right about the counselling, but that's not gonna happen unfortunately. I'm broke and can barely pay my rent as it is, much less the bill for some shrink.

 

Excuses, excuses. You can prioritize this and find free or low-cost services most anywhere in developed countries.

 

I also sent her an email, in addition to speaking with her, apologizing again and letting her know that I wouldn't be contacting her very much any more if at all adn told her to call me if/when she felt like she was ready to be friends again. It's probably best that way anyway. I guess I need to break contact in order to get over her completely.

 

So you not only e-mail her, but speak to her, to let her know that you will no longer be e-mailing or speaking to her "very much any more if at all" and told her to call you when she was ready to be friends again (which as quoted above, is contrary to your own admissions of wanting to get back together).

 

After all:

 

She means so much to me. She's been my best friend and closest confidante for the last 3 years and to think that her feelings have changed so much that she doesn't even want to be around me anymore is the worst thing I can imagine.

[Arcane]

Originally posted by Paul

 

You just want to be friends, but you've been trying to get her back since you broke up. Is this not a form of lying?

 

 

No, I made my intentions perfectly clear from the start. There was never any lying on my part. As far as the weekend we spent toghether, it was us and several friends, and around 75 other people. No, I wasn't playing chaperon, we were just at the same event. As far as the driving in front of her house, you can believe what you want, personally I don't care what you believe. Grabbing someone's hand is NOT restraining them. I never prevented her from moving or leaving when she wanted to. She pulled away and I let go. Nothing more. That was the following day, and at that point we had been talking for about 20 minutes and I was no longer pissed off. What I did was in no way out of anger. You weren't there, so don't you dare accuse me of assault.

[bhadresh88]

hi , my name is bhadresh,i read ur post, and also read all the replyes from other people. i think u extrimly perfect advice, not only perfect but also true advice, i have gone all through this. same thing happ to me, i love one gal, first time, we met online then i find out from her that she lives very near frome where i work. i told her to come my work, i work in store where sometime i m alone for whole day, so she came we meet , i kissed her and all those things. i wasnt intrested on her, i just like to play with her, but i felt so sorry for her when i find out that she dont have her dad. he deid 3 years ago. she told me taht i m her love , i m her life, she cant live without me, and somany things that i never heard for other gal, after she todl met that she dont have her father, i realize taht i cant play with this garl. if i play with her, god not gon fergive me. god will punise me, i m really emotional person. and truely bilive in god. so i decide to give her true love and i will not hang out with other gals. i stop everything. i give her so much love. bz i love her now. we mad plan for get merry , it just personally nobody know s in our family yet. we plan for hunymoon, and lots of other things. we broke up in end of july. before we broke i felt tahts she s going to change, i told her y she is cahnging , she said it just i think that nothing is like this. but day after day the way we talk online is changed , she is totaly deffernt. i told her i want to meet u , she said ok. she came and we meet, i kiss her, spent one hour with each other, b4 we go home i stand in front of her, and ask her y i feel like she is changing, and i got cry , i never cry for gal in my life, this is the fist one. she said i just think that way nothing is like tat. now after this day she totally cahnged, now she going differnt way then i. i ask her do u like some one else, she said she don know. than i realiz that someone is between us thats for sure. some time i feel taht i m the resposible watever she done with me. cuz i got mad soon, b4 she always try to make me happy but it s cahnga day after day. after few days she told me taht she likes some one else. i todl her thats not love , u just influctuated with someone , its happ when we not setisfied with our lover and some one would nice with us, i told her that tats not reallity. but she said is not tat, he is nice, and i like him. he likes me. and stuff like taht. i said ok . i told her to meet me one last time, she came and i took her in my arm, i feel like i m gon die after that. in my life this days gone so sadl and bad. i talked lots of ppl on internet and try to get any advise so i can get her back. i talked with soem expirence ppl in this metter. they advise me that " she leave just becuase u need something in u" u need to develope urself. do those things that u have to for ur development. this is the time that for my development. consentret on study, go to gym do exersice, spent time with ur friend ,meet new ppl. i know u not ready for new relation, and i know u dont want anyone. u know i couldnt sleep for one continuese week. whole whole night i just think bout her, and whenever i think tiers come in to my eyes. i cry for her so much. i never imagine that she can do this to me. i know she loved me so much, but soemthing happ and just turn all things down. now i m strong enough so i can face reallity. and i will carefull so nobody will do this to me again. and u know wat, i got feelings from inside of me taht she must comeback, but takes time, i have to give her space, and tats wat i m givin her. i dont call her home, i dont email her, her work is really near to my work , but i dotn go to c her, and dont try to talk to her, cuz i know if try to talk to her or try to c her, she will drow away fro m me, and never comeback. belive me if u behind her she will never comeback to u. u have to saw her taht u can live without her. now i go to gym taht give me confindence , i bught nice car, b4 i never think bout car,i m trying to consentret in study. bilive me my friend if u think , she loved u truely, she have to comeback , and she will tats my promise, but u dont have to wait for that, just keep go on, try to improve urself, and u will c taht u r lot better then her, u can get any gal u want. u need to build confindance, i know its easy to tell, hard to do, but do it my friend, tats the way it works. and if u belive in god, prey to god , tell him to make u stonge not physically but mentally so u can face the reallity.

 

write me if u need anyting more then me ok

[amerikajin]

Arcane,

 

Just stick to the basic advice you've received so far. Move on. Cut off all contact with her. It's the only way you'll really be able to get some peace for yourself. No phone calls. No e-mails. No visits. If you see her out somewhere, smile, wave to her, maybe a casual hello and move the hell on. If she wants to talk to you out somewhere, say you're busy and can't talk. If she calls you or e-mails you, just be direct and tell her that it's best that you two keep your distance. The "let's be friends" thing doesn't work too often; in fact, it rarely does. You can't be friends if you still have feelings for her, because every time you meet or talk to her you will be reminded of how things used to be and what you still want from your past. The past is the past. Over. C'est finis! Move on, dude.

 

I don't know how intense or how long your relationship was with her, but I know after having a two year relationship myself (we were even engaged) that it can be tough to move on. My ex and I had a very amicable and basically a mutual break-up, realizing that our lives weren't going in the same direction. Nevertheless, I was very hurt and even a little angry when she slowly stopped replying to my emails and seemed disinterested in conversation over the phone - it's a very natural, all-too-male feeling. At first I didn't understand it, but I do now. It was her way of telling me she wanted to move on, and I had no choice but to accept that. I suspect that she hooked up with her tennis instructor, though I never asked. Didn't want to know, honestly.

 

It's been two years to the day since we split up. I still think about her a lot but I've long since moved on. I've dated other people - not particularly outstanding relationships, but not too bad either. Just didn't work out - that kinda thing.

 

Moving on comes in a series of stages. The first stage is the toughest stage, but the most critical, and that is, you have to cut off all contact with her. You may not even do any dating for a while, and you don't have to. In fact, it might be better not to so that you can get a better sense for what went wrong and what you can do better in the future. Get a sense for what you want in a relationship. I tend to take things a lot more slowly now because of my past experiences with breakups. I may not be hitting as many homeruns, but I don't really care. My heart and mind feel a little better.

 

One last thing...you don't NEED her. Remember that. Remember that you can find a relationship just as or even more fulfilling than the last one.