Ash007 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Sorry for the length, but I need advice on this. I met this guy at the end of April, and we hit it off. He is attractive, funny, and we enjoy many of the same things. I knew early on that he was interested in me, but he never asked me out. Instead, he would do other things with me. Sometimes with our group of friends, but other things we did alone. He has taken me fishing several times. A couple times with just he and I. But nothing ever happened. I know from a few friends that he figured he was in the friend zone. So he did kinda withdraw a bit. I had him sleep in my bed once after a night out when we first met. We kissed, but that was it. So I can see how I might have led him on. It wasn't his fault that he didn't get anywhere with me. I was dating someone who I should NOT have been dating... work conflict. And I never told him or any of his friends. I felt so bad about it. I could tell he was still interested and getting frustrated about it. And I like hiim a lot. The only reason we aren't dating now is because of timing. Likely excuse, I know... but it is the truth. We have so much fun together. So about 10 days ago, I spilled the beans to him. He told me he figured something was up. But that he needed time, and so did I. I agreed. So we kept plans for a weekend trip with friends. We went out, stayed at another friend's house, etc. We had a great time. But I did kinda ignore him. But I was also just trying to get his attention. Well, I did. Two nights ago, I could tell he was thinking something. He had withdrawn quite a bit towards me. So I asked him what he was thinking. He didn't want to tell me while we were drinking, but I insisted. So, he laid it on me. He told me that he can no longer hang out with me. That he can no longer go on trips with me or take me fishing anymore because I have become nothing but a source of frustration to him. This sucks because I really do like him. He told me that we need time completely apart. This is ok because I am leaving town for 3 weeks anyway, but I was crushed. We have the same friends, we see eachother often, etc. I don't want to lose that either. So I told him that I hoped that he would call me sometime and ask me out. He said he might, but to let him call me. So I agreed and said that I wouldn't contact him first. This all made me realize that I screwed up. I wasn't honest with him, even though he never asked. I feel that I led him on. But, I just don't know what to do. I think he's had it with me. But I don't want that to happen. I'm thinking that he will probably just move on. Have I already screwed this up too much? Do you blame him for what he did? What should I do?? Thanks in advance!
Mahatma Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 You played too many games that he was not interested in. Some guys like the games and some guys, like me, see them and are annoyed by them. If I like you and you like me, lets show it. Instead, so many people show their interest in someone by not showing any interest like we are back in 3rd grade. If he does call back, cut all your stupid games. This is not to be confused with moving fast, it just means stop ignoring him and stop playing all the stupid little games that make you *seem* like you got something better.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I think he's had it with me. But I don't want that to happen. I'm thinking that he will probably just move on. Have I already screwed this up too much? Do you blame him for what he did? What should I do?? Honestly, no, I can't blame him for what he did. I'd be put out too if a girl that showed interest in me, made out, or whatever, neglected to tell me she had a boyfriend or was seeing someone else.
shockandawed Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Ash, This is kind of tough. My guess is he has become frustrated with everything. It is apparent he was interested in you. You say you weren't going out, yet, he was taking you on fishing trips, etc. To him, these were probably dates with little risk. In other words, he was hoping something would happen. I'm sure he is ticked that you never told him you were seeing someone else. By not telling him until it was over, you also risk now any move you make coming across as a rebound. You don't want him to feel like the back up plan. My first bit of advise would be to stop the games. You say you were ignoring him to get his attention. That is silly. I am sure he is expecting you to be past that regardless of the status of your relationship. Platonic friends don't play those games either. All it does is confuse him and force him into a mind game response of his own. That is probably the root of his latest discussion with you. Another thing would be if you are going to go forward, you have to leave the mutual friends out of it. I am not saying don't hang out, but I am saying don't get their involvement to tell you what he is thinking, etc..that will come back to bite you. You have to gain some trust back here and showing him that what happens between you two stays there is a big step. I would let things chill a little. Maybe while you are gone, sit down and write out all the things you like about him and what you see in a relationship with him. Maybe send it to him or find another way to get those points across. If you want this, then you need to go for it. You have to understand though you will have to earn his trust first and convince him you are not rebounding or going to play any head games if you want him to knock his walls down. I think all he is doing is nothing more than defense mechanism as a result of being friend-zoned this long.
CommitmentPhobe Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I think you hurt him and he doesn't want to go there again. I think you should let him get over this and learn from your lesson.
AMB3R Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Ok, you did play some games, and yes that sucks for him. But now that you know that you like him, i think that you should just tell him expactly how you feel. That you do like him, and you handled the situation wrong. Hopefully he will take that into consideration and let the both of you start over, if not just take it as a lesson learned.
Author Ash007 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Well thanks everyone for being honest with me. I know I have no one to blame but myself. I'm leaving town for a couple weeks tomorrow. I'm worried that I'll never hear from him again. I told him the other night that I was sorry and that I hope he calls me again. But if he doesn't, I can't blame him. I didn't see this coming at all. I guess I should have. We'll see what happens. I wish I weren't leaving town. Other girls are always hitting on him and I know it would be easy for him to move on. Well, thanks again.
Taramere Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Based on what you said, I'm not really seeing that you played some unacceptable game here. Regardless of what he did or didn't say to friends, I'm not seeing anything in your post that suggests he was clear or direct with you that he was sexually/romantically interested. In that sense I would say that he put himself in the friends zone. You seem to have been the one who took the bull by the horns and laid out how you felt about him. You gave him an opportunity to finally be clear, and it seems that he reacted by putting you down and telling you that you're a source of frustration. So about 10 days ago, I spilled the beans to him. He told me he figured something was up. But that he needed time, and so did I. I agreed. So we kept plans for a weekend trip with friends. We went out, stayed at another friend's house, etc. We had a great time. But I did kinda ignore him. I would have done the same. If you've told someone you like them and they indicate they need some time to think about it, I'm not sure what else you're supposed to do. You can accept the label of being a frustrating, game-playing little girl if you want to, or if you're the kind of person who always readily accepts blame. It seems like everyone else on the thread wants you to feel it's your fault this didn't work out. I'm not sure why, but perhaps I'm missing some key point here. Is the key point that you were involved with someone else? That's not really his business unless and until he's making it clear that he wants to get something romantic going with you and asks if you're involved with someone. All I'm picking up, from your post, is that you were two friends who had a bit of chemistry but weren't doing anything with it (apart from one snog which wasn't followed up with anything). Despite him not being clear about what he wanted from his time with you, you took the step of laying out your situation and your feelings to him. I don't think his reaction was something you should internalise in the way you have. I would take, from his behaviour, that he doesn't really want a relationship but that he likes a bit of drama (ie having a crush on someone and backing out when the opportunity to do something about it arises) and is projecting that onto you with his talk of your behaviour being frustrating.
Author Ash007 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Well, I did tell him that I am not over this guy yet. I shouldn't have done that. He tried to make a move when we were together this past weekend, but I told him I don't like being touched at bars, which I don't. I did overreact then b/c he was just being playful. I guess I feel guilty because I knew that he was interested. He even told me that he only takes girls fishing who he is interested in. He would always make sexually suggestive comments to me in a playful way, but I ignored them because of my situation. A few months back, he became frustrated with it and told me. And I was mean about it and we didn't talk for a month. That would have been a good time to tell him what was up, but I couldn't. And I'm sure that the fact that I told him about this only after I had broken up with the guy didn't help either. He never accused me of anything. He told me all of this in a nice way. He said it is not so much the relationship that I hid from everybody, but the way I acted on our trip afterwards. He said, "how can you confide in me and tell me that you like me and want to see where things might go, but then 5 days later, spend a weekend with me and ignore me the whole time". He had a point, and I had no answer but to apologize for it. I'm going to be away for a while, so maybe things will change.
carhill Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 OP, do you have attachment issues? What is the longest period of time you've spent in the last 5 years without being in a relationship? How old are you?
Taramere Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I'm sure that the fact that I told him about this only after I had broken up with the guy didn't help either. He never accused me of anything. He told me all of this in a nice way. He said it is not so much the relationship that I hid from everybody, but the way I acted on our trip afterwards. He said, "how can you confide in me and tell me that you like me and want to see where things might go, but then 5 days later, spend a weekend with me and ignore me the whole time". He had a point, and I had no answer but to apologize for it. I'm going to be away for a while, so maybe things will change. Right. So he does have a point then....though I'd maintain that if someone says they need time to think about something that would sound to me like a "give me space" request. On the other hand, giving someone space doesn't need to involve ignoring them if the two of you are stuck in a social situation together. I think generally you were in an awkward situation because you liked this guy but were in a relationship that, from the sound of it, you were looking to disentangle yourself from. Talking to him about the relationship would have been tricky, because that would make him seem more of a friend than a potential romantic prospect. I'm guessing, from his understanding reaction (re you not telling him about the other guy) that he realised that. So from what you say, his main problems are that you weren't responsive to his playful flirtation earlier on. You liked him, but you were feeling awkward about the existing romantic entanglement with the other guy. Now he's upset about you having ignored him, and I guess that if you want to progress things you'll have to work out for yourself exactly why you behaved as you did that weekend, then be honest with him about your feelings and motives.
Dexter Morgan Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Based on what you said, I'm not really seeing that you played some unacceptable game here. Then why did she feel the need to "spill the beans"?
Author Ash007 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Right. So he does have a point then....though I'd maintain that if someone says they need time to think about something that would sound to me like a "give me space" request. On the other hand, giving someone space doesn't need to involve ignoring them if the two of you are stuck in a social situation together. He sent me a short email today clarifying that he won't dissapear from my life alltogether. But that he needs time to process everything that has happened in the past couple weeks. He said he apprieciated me confiding in him and that he realizes the trust that took, and that he doesn't take things like that for granted. Also said that no matter what happens, there shouldn't be any reason to be awkward when/if we see eachother again. Seems like he's reading your mind Taramere. I told him again that I hope he calls, but that I will understand if he doesn't. I needed to spill the beans because I knew his intentions. It was one of those situations that got harder and harder to explain as the weeks went by. In the beginning, I didn't know I would end up dating this other guy. Time passed and I just never told him. And the more time that passed, the bigger the secret became. But when we broke up, I felt I needed to come clean once and for all. We have become close, regardless. So I wanted to tell him. I really expected him to be angry and never see him again. But he just said "that's life". He also said that one positive from all this was that it was clear that I am faithful to who I'm dating, since I never reciprocated his advances. But the more time he had to think about it, the more frustrated he got. So he needed time apart to get over those feelings towards me before he could commit any further. This is one of the things I like about him... he is level headed and understanding.
goldencloud Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 he got naturally frustrated as anyone would...however there is a big chance his feelings still reside inside. i would lay low for some weeks, and see what happens! good luck!
shockabsorber Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Wow...this sounds so similar to what is happening to me....But I'm the guy. I have a friend who has been doing pretty much the same with me and I dont know what to do about it. We are friends, we have been physical on and off, but it is always on her terms. When I make any suggestions or advances, they get shot down. I just cannot tell how this girl feels about me and this in turn causes a lot of frustration on my part. She says she doesnt want to lose me as a friend but at the same time she got upset with me when I got back together with my ex. We tried taking time apart but we are ok for a few days before the frustration starts up again. What do you mean by "you cant date him right now because it is all about timing"? If both of you like each other, what's stopping either of you? He sounds like he is ready to get into a relationship with you...so what are you waiting for if you're both single now?? By the way....I think he would appreciate it if you would show some initiative and text him or email him letting him know that you're thinking about him...if you are still romantically interested in him. Dont do it if you just want to remain friends because he will mistake it as interest from your part.
Author Ash007 Posted November 6, 2008 Author Posted November 6, 2008 So I'm in S America. Found a computer, so I checked my Facebook. He sent me a message telling me about his fishing trip this weekend. Nothing else. No questions about my trip or anything. I answered him back just telling him that I enjoyed hearing the story. I talked to one of my good friends today back home. And she told me that she had talked to him. She is his friend too. I didn't put her up to it, but she asked him what was going on with us. He said "nothing really". He said he likes me, but at this point, he doesn't see himself pursuing me when I get back, and that if it happens, it happens. I'm confused. He sent me this message about his fishing trip after he said he'd contact me first. But after hearing what he said, it sounds to me like he might have made up his mind and decided to just be friends. Am I overthinking this? He also knows that I am with my gay ex boyfriend. At the end of the message he said "don't drop the soap!" Yeah I get the joke, but is this a comment you make to someone you're interested in? Am I overthinking this?
Charles1978 Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 Wow this sounds EXACTLY like what a girl is doing to me currently. I'll cut to the chase... you need to stop ignoring him. If you are interested, show it. Don't just tell him you are interested when it seems from his perspective to only suit your needs. He takes you fishing... for crying out loud, what more signs do you need from him? Some guys go slow with girls they genuinely like and care for. I know that is how I operate. I know pretty quick the line between a hookup and a possible real future. He was probably trying to get to know you and show you some respect. I know that in my current situation, she is doing what you are doing. And it is a HUGE turnoff. I'd suggest telling him how you feel again, and make a move. It sounds like he likes you. If you make a move if that is what you want, you probably will not be dissapointed. But stop sending him mixed signals, because it sounds like his is about to give up. Good luck.
shockabsorber Posted November 11, 2008 Posted November 11, 2008 As someone who is also going through the same thing, I totally agree with Charles1978! You need to tell him what you feel and stop playing these mind games! Otherwise you could lose him altogether...as a bf and as a friend. I think he is saying comments like "dont drop the soap" just to ease the tension between the two of you and remain as nonchalant as possible. He may be feeling that you dont care...so he's trying to pretend that he doesnt either. I still dont understand why you cant date him now if the two of you are single. Charles1978 I feel your pain!
Author Ash007 Posted November 27, 2008 Author Posted November 27, 2008 Alright so I've been back for a week and a half. I saw him the other day, but he didn't know I'd be where he was. He ignored me basically. He gave me a hug and told me hello, but then he was gone. Well, he just sent me this email. Finally! Problem is, it sounds like he just wants to be friends. What do yall think?? Here is the email.... I deleted some names.... "Hey I figured I'd write you a note letting you know where I stand as far as what I told you before you left for your vacation.You told me to contact you first... so here it is. My feeling is that if we were going to be together, it would have already happened. Normally, I would be able to move on with no further contact. But I think it is pretty silly for us to ignore eachother and no longer hang out. Regardless of anything else, you and I have the same interests, and I enjoyed that about you. I also think that it was unfair for me to tell you what I told you before you left for your vacation when, clearly, you confided in me as a friend about something so private about yourself. Like I said before... that took a lot for you to tell me that. Like I said also... I do not take that kind of stuff for granted. And believe me... I wanted to make a move then, among other times. But you told me you weren't over him yet... and I'm sure you still aren't. I've been there. There are still ex's I think about. It's not easy. Normally, it is impossible for me to remain friends with girls that I am attracted to. And that was the root of my cutting things off. But as much as I'd like for there to be more... I have realized, when thinking of all the months that we've known eachother... the feelings never were mutual, as far as I know. I've made mistakes in the past thinking they were. And that's ok. I can move past that. But it is not fair for me to deprive you of good friends like ****,****,**** and myself because of my own selfish reasons. Because of that, hopefully we can all move on and hang out from time to time. But this "no contact" BS is just that... BS. So, it is not so much that you and I need to hang out... but that things should go back to what they were. If you want to hang out with me... let me know. And if I want to hang out with you... I'll let you know. Afterall, my freezer IS empty. And I'm sorry for writing this instead of telling you face to face, but sometimes it is easier for me to write things out. It's one of those weird things about me. So, just know that I know where you're coming from... I think. And I'm ok with that. Have a great Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving night, I'll be heading down to Buras for a whole lot of fishing, and a little bit of duck hunting with my brother and *****. In the meantime... good luck with that Thanksgiving dinner" So that's it. Tell me... has he moved on? What does he want?
Geishawhelk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 .....Because of that, hopefully we can all move on and hang out from time to time. But this "no contact" BS is just that... BS. So, it is not so much that you and I need to hang out... but that things should go back to what they were. If you want to hang out with me... let me know. And if I want to hang out with you... I'll let you know. Afterall, my freezer IS empty. And I'm sorry for writing this instead of telling you face to face, but sometimes it is easier for me to write things out. It's one of those weird things about me. So, just know that I know where you're coming from... I think. And I'm ok with that. Have a great Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving night, I'll be heading down to Buras for a whole lot of fishing, and a little bit of duck hunting with my brother and *****. In the meantime... good luck with that Thanksgiving dinner" So that's it. Tell me... has he moved on? What does he want? Yes, he has moved on, but he wants the 'privilege' of perhaps having you as a FWB, or as they're sometimes known, a F**kbuddy. He thinks NC would be a bad deal, but I think that's more for his benefit. See, if he's agreeing to break it off, but still wants you on the sidelines.... that's not breaking it off. That's keeping you on a yo-yo. NC means NC. It gives you a chance to re-focus your life and move on. not having NC just leaves you dangling with a "what if he calls? @ Answer him, and say - "Thanks for clarifying. I think NC is by far the best route to take. Don't contact me again, and enjoy Thanksgiving. Have a good life. I'm going to!" I guarantee he'll reply within the hour. Don't take the bait. He's gone to 'Buras for a whole lot of fishing'. Don't let him land you, hook, line and sinker.
berrieh Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 Well, I think he means what he says he means. I disagree with Geishawhelk about the FWB issue or his reasons for going back on the NC idea being "selfish." Having NC would be selfish, if it means it would deprive you of your friends. Personally, I think you two should just try to be friends. It sounds like you have a lot of drama going on, and that's why he wants to back off. Very smart of him; I get it. It sounds to me, maybe, like you might even LIKE putting yourself into relationship situations with drama (this one, your last one), so you might consider that.
Walk Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 I say throw out all the "what should I do" and be flat out honest with yourself and with him. I think you're both still playing games. He's saying he's still interested but that he's convinced you want to be friends, and you're still telling him that you're okay being friends while deep down inside you really want him to make a move. Cut the crap out of your communications. Be blunt, be honest, and let the chips fall where they will. Your relationship with this guy will NEVER go back to what it was. No matter how much each of you delude yourselves into thinking it can, it won't. So toss that notion out of your head. Either make a move that will get you what you want, or give him (and the friendship) up. Those are your options. What I read in his email was that he does like you, that he thinks you're still hung up on your ex, that he enjoys your company, that he doesn't believe you feel the same toward him as he feels toward you. You're on here saying you want him, yet he believes something different. Why are you allowing this disconnect to continue? Stop hiding, throw the truth out into the light. It might be too late, or it might not be. But what would you rather live with: Regretting you didn't say or do something, or knowing you tried your best regardless of the outcome? The only things I regret in life are the things I didn't do. The words I didn't say, the actions I didn't take.
lazlow99 Posted November 27, 2008 Posted November 27, 2008 This too happened to me. She had a boyfriend she was on the verge of splitting up with, I told her how I felt about her...she said the same in return. Then when we went to a bar with friends she totally ignored me and flirted with other guys, then later when we were together asked me what was wrong and then complained that I don't speak to her. I'm glad I didn't end up going out with her, too much stress I don't feel I deserve.
Recommended Posts