LovieDove24 Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 [FONT=Helv][sIZE=2]About a year ago, my ex boyfriend broke up with me when he found out I was pregnant...we had only been dating for about four months at the time and it was only semi-serious b/c we only saw each other on weekends. After he left, I decided right then and there that I'd never reach out or pressure him into dating me OR to be in our childs life, I just let him run away like the scared little puppy he was. Eventually after 7 months of NC he came back about two months before I was due and begged to be allowed in our daughters life. Of course I said yes, a daughter needs her father and I was really glad he decided to step up to the plate. In the three months following our daughters birth, I was on maternity leave and he and I spent ALL of our free time together with our daughter. He cooked us dinners, ran errands for me, took me out to dinner and a movie a couple of times to get me out of the house, he even gave me backrubs after a hard day with the baby...all was well. We never split time with her and actually even spent overnights and rotated midnight baby responsibilities. The semi serious relationship we once had (before me getting pregnant) seemed like nothing compared to the current bond we were growing. But despite all of the "playing house," me and my ex were still not physical, or official again. It confused me that he would not make a move because to me it was beginning to feel like a natural progression. He and I were getting so close emotionally that quite honestly, I felt like we basically WERE dating. We have always meshed really well on quite a few different levels--communicating, parenting styles, sense of humor, blah blah blah. But still, no move was ever made on his part. Well I finally confronted him about it, asking him where we stood and told him we had to at least TRY for a relationship or start splitting up time with her. He said he just needed the weekend to think about it. When he came back he said "I was perfectly happy with the way things were going. I can't promise that it will never happen but I dont want a relationship right now." He also said that he thinks we probably only work well together as parents and nothing else. I was extremely upset about this for a couple of reasons. 1) Because way back when he left the first time I had sworn I wouldnt ask him about "us" ever again. 2) Because now that I had asked about "us" he had the power again and used it to shoot me down. 3) Because I was beginning to love him again and was sad that he didnt reciprocate and 4) The most upsetting thing was that he couldnt even just TRY. I mean for pete's sake we have a daughter together and get along very well! It made me feel like there must really be something wrong with me that he couldnt even attempt reconciliation. Anyways, the "falling out" happened over two months ago and now we split up all of our time with Alaina. I am beginning to date again and am really trying to work on my inner happiness alone. I have good days and bad but I am a hopeless romantic and know someday I'll marry and be with the right man for me. Its just that I cant help but always hope that it will be him. I realize that it probably wont be for some time, maybe a couple years maybe more, but somewhere in my heart I really feel it could happen. I wont necessarily say I'm holding on, but its still always in the back of my mind. Any thoughts or insight guys?? First impressions? [/sIZE][/FONT]
sedgwick Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Honestly? I think any guy who would dump a girl after getting her pregnant and is a total jackass and never deserved to come back into your or your daughter's life in any way. You're better off without him. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship. It's not about you, it REALLY IS about him. How old are the two of you?
Author LovieDove24 Posted October 30, 2008 Author Posted October 30, 2008 We are both 24 now, were 23 when I got pregnant. I disagree with you that he did not deserve to come back into my daughters life. She deserves her father, especially if he wants to be there for her, which he really is. As far as my daughter is concerned, the past is the past when it comes to him running. With me on the other hand, I can understand why you would think that I dont need him in my life. I agree that I couldnt take him as he is now, which I suppose is all that counts anyways. But I cant help but see the good underneath...
BCCA Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Well I finally confronted him about it, asking him where we stood and told him we had to at least TRY for a relationship or start splitting up time with her. He said he just needed the weekend to think about it. When he came back he said "I was perfectly happy with the way things were going. I can't promise that it will never happen but I dont want a relationship right now." He also said that he thinks we probably only work well together as parents and nothing else. I was extremely upset about this for a couple of reasons. 1) Because way back when he left the first time I had sworn I wouldnt ask him about "us" ever again. 2) Because now that I had asked about "us" he had the power again and used it to shoot me down. 3) Because I was beginning to love him again and was sad that he didnt reciprocate and 4) The most upsetting thing was that he couldnt even just TRY. I mean for pete's sake we have a daughter together and get along very well! It made me feel like there must really be something wrong with me that he couldnt even attempt reconciliation. I think this paragraph tells you a lot. First, he obviously doesn't seem interested in reconciling. I wouldn't listen to any talk about how it 'could' be different later, it probably wont be. No one in their right mind would risk losing someone forever if they had any idea that they wanted to keep them around. Next, look at what this interaction did to you. You felt like crap, and he wont even try to work things out. It made you feel like there is something wrong with you, even though there is not. Its unfortunate, but everyone goes through being dumped. There is no one out there that is perfect for everyone. Its easy to focus on only the good things. Everyone has good traits and things you like about them - thats why you two created a child together However, he didnt seem like he was in it for the long haul with you, relationship wise. I think its great that he makes an effort to be in your daughters life, but thats about all I would expect. Just give up the idea of him coming back now. Not because its impossible, but because youre holding yourself back by even giving the idea this much thought. Its much easier in the long run to just chalk up the relationship as a loss, be greatful for your beautiful daugher, and focus on doing things to make you feel better about life. People do come back, but its rare, and you really dont want to waste too much time hoping.
Author LovieDove24 Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Today when we were talking, he started calling me weird, which is not unusual for him. He always finds things to pick on me for. Its always said sarcastically and in a joking manner but I'm starting to get tired of it. I told him that its starting to cross the line and that he is turning into a bully. From my experience, the only people that "pick" on others are the ones who are truly insecure and unhappy with themselves. When I told him this he said "Who ever said I was happy? I've begun to realize I've made some dumb decisions and probably will never be happy with my life." OK one more thing to check off on my list of why I should NEVER be with this man!!
BCCA Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 People also start fights/nitpick to distance themselves from other people. Usually, when I notice my gf bickering about little things or generally being difficult for no reason, you can almost bet the end is near or theyre at least thinking about it. A friend of mine told me she kind of tries to start fights when guys shes gonna dump because it makes it easier to just tell them off. My guess is he wants to distance himself, but wants it to be your idea so he doesnt feel bad. By being a big douche, hes hoping youll tell him to hit the road.
Angel1111 Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 The most upsetting thing was that he couldnt even just TRY. I mean for pete's sake we have a daughter together and get along very well! It made me feel like there must really be something wrong with me that he couldnt even attempt reconciliation. If you don't ever learn another thing from now until the day you die, learn this: no one needs to TRY to have a relationship or love someone else, and don't ever expect them to. Either they love a person, or they don't. I hate the whole 'try' concept. It doesn't matter if you have a child together, or 14 children together - if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. Period. Trying is work. Trying requires effort when you don't want to put effort into it. Trying is trying. Save yourself the grief of divorcing 5 yrs from now. This is not the guy for you. My guess is that his whole motivation for returning is money-related, as it is with most men. He's afraid that you're going to ask for child support (which you should) and he's trying to play nice so that you won't do it. Don't ever underestimate the power that money has over a man, and what lengths he will go to in order to hang on to it. If he wants to have a relationship with his daughter, then let him. But drop all your expectations about you having a relationship with him. First of all, he's not relationship or marriage material. Secondly, he's not interested. Don't try to fight this battle because it'll exhaust you and you'll ultimately lose. It's too bad that he came back into your life only to raise your hopes and then shatter them, but this is the kind of guy he is and you need to recognize it. Yes, he has good points - and so do 10 billion other guys in the world. Doesn't mean you have a potential relationship with him. Learn the art of knowing when the game is over and walk away from this. And then stop being the pushover he's figured you for and stop playing nice. File for child support and get visitation set up legally. If you don't, you'll regret it. I promise you.
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