married-4-ever Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I've been married 10 years in december. My husband is my best friend. it took me nine years to realize it. I love him with my heart and soul and can't imagine life without him. We have 3 children ages 11, 8 & 6. My husband recentley told me he wanted a divorce. His reason is because I lied to him. I used a credit card that he got in the mail and he knew nothing about it. This wasn't the first time. I have lied to my husband before about money at least 3 times. The credit card was small $250, but some of the other times wasn't. I am a poor money manager to say the least. About a year ago, I was hiding over 10 letters from companys that I had written a check to and it had been returned. He wanted to leave then, but I begged him to stay. I promised everything. I have done that before as well. I know and accept that my marriage ending is my fault, but the hurt is so overwhelming. I don't know what to do. I love him so much that I feel that I need to leave him alone and let him go if that is what he wants. I just don't know how to do that. I have spent my entire adult life with him, and I don't know how to not be us, a pair. Please understand that I know I am wrong, and that I have betrayed his trust over and over again, but does that make it okay for me to just lay down and say okay go. I don't know what to do I'm scared and alone.
amaysngrace Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Is he willing to go to counseling with you? Are you willing to go alone to get help for yourself? I don't know all the specifics but it seems to me that he may be using this as just one reason of many to divorce you. I can see why it would bug him. Now is not the time to have bad credit. People with good credit are being turned down for loans. Your husband probably feels really disrespected by you. Not only that but what you did was sneaky and wrong. It's like you are a child to him and not really a partner or wife at all. What can you do besides admitting that you're wrong to become more responsible? Now may be the time to put up or shut up, you know?
jasperlynx Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I have trust issues with my wife who wants to leave me. Little and big lies in the past. Most of the time, stuff so It would not upset them. Does not matter, You hear...how can i be with someone that you do not trust. I dont beleive anything you say.......I think everything that comes out of your mouth is bullsh#t....blah blah blah. All you do is dwell on why did I do that again. Im getting myself deeper and deeper into the negative. I know it sucks, been there. Think before you speak is very important. Make sure your direct and look them in the eye when disscussing anything. Dont keep bringing the problem up. If he will forgive you..he will....takes time...if not then your deal with it. In the mean time just be calm...and dont argue about anything. Ive learned the hard way...Im in hell right now because of the same situation. Loving somenone that does not care about you is the worst feeling in the world. This is not highschool..you have kids and "your married". Lets grow up and stop being sneaky for ourselves. they will notice and maybe things will change for the better.
2sure Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 There but for the grace of God go I. I am also really bad with money. I work and make enough for my expenses but I have no idea where it goes. Fortunately, my H can pick up the slack, but we have had discussions. Writing bad checks, you already know is serious and illegal so this is not just about budgeting. Clearly you have a problem. I mean, isnt this an addiction like gambling?? Isn't that an illness that can be treated? You clearly seem to understand your husband's frustration. It cannot be easy for him to think of walking away from his children knowing that you are going to have a problem providing for them alone, regardless of the amount of financial support you receive. Have you said to him: I have a problem and I need help. ? I'll be thinking about you.
Ronni_W Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 I'm sorry that you're facing this. It seems that, intermittently, you cannot control this aspect of your behaviour, which makes the cycle far more than just being a "poor money manager". It has become an addiction that you fall into every once in a while. That also means that it's not that you deliberately set out to deceive him...but lying is one of the things that must be done so that you can meet the "need" to satisfy your urges when the addiction starts to take over. It is difficult to overcome an addiction without professional counsel and support. And it would be up to your husband if he is prepared to give you yet another opportunity to get to the roots of what is causing your behaviour, and make sincere and determined efforts to recover once and for all. All you can do is decide if you want to resolve it for yourself, and then let him know that you intend to seek therapy (addiction counseling). If he cannot see his way clear to possibly being disappointed again, then it wouldn't be a matter of "just laying down" -- it would be about accepting and respecting that he wanted different things from his marital relationship than you were able to provide. (((hugs))). I do hope that there is "another chance" available for your marriage, and wish you Strength and Courage in your healing journey. EDIT: Not that lying is okay under this circumstance...just that you will continue to lie to him (and others) as long as this behaviour is out-of-control for you. Your promises to not lie and not do it again will be hollow because, if you do not do the work to recover, your addiction will ensure that you continue to engage in the lies and other deceptive strategies that your mind determines are "necessary".
Mr. Lucky Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 Have you said to him: I have a problem and I need help. ? I have a feeling that's what she said to him the first time it happened. By the 4th or 5th time, it loses its impact. Honestly married-4-ever, I wouldn't stay married to you either. Why would a man (or woman if the shoe was on the other foot) get up and go to work everyday if you're sneaking it out the back door as quickly as he's bringing it in the front? Your actions take away the ability to lay any foundation of security or stability in the forseeable future. Not much to look forward to. That you would do this is one thing, that you would do this and lie about it is another. This isn't just about money and credit scores but encompasses the whole issue of faith and trust in a relationship. Quite a toxic mess. Separate from your husband's willingness to continue, you need to confront this issue on your own. I can't imagine dreading the arrival of the mail every day for fear of the bad news it might bring. You had to know - especially given the history - that what you were doing would sabatoge your marriage. The obvious question is, knowing that, why would you do it? Regardless of the outcome, you've got some work to do. Keep us posted... Mr. Lucky
Author married-4-ever Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Mr. Lucky- What you said was mostly right. I have betrayed my husband many times, didn't I know what would happen? I don't have the answer. I screwed up again and again again. My love for my husband is there. I am honest when I say how much he means to me. So regardless of what I've done, why just give up. I can't imagine my life without him. Thank you for being so frank.
LakesideDream Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 Mr. Lucky- What you said was mostly right. I have betrayed my husband many times, didn't I know what would happen? I don't have the answer. I screwed up again and again again. My love for my husband is there. I am honest when I say how much he means to me. So regardless of what I've done, why just give up. I can't imagine my life without him. Thank you for being so frank. married-4-awhile longer, you need to begin taking responsibility for your actions NOW. You did not "screw up". Screw ups are trivial things. You betrayed your husbands trust. You lied, and you stole from your marriage. These are not trival things. You seem to be driven to take money from the marriage and spend it on unnecessary things. As others have said before this undermines your husbands ability to provide his family security. Just as important it sends a message loud and clear that you do not respect your husband or your marriage. Time to find help. I suggest you locate a counselor. If money is a problem, you can usually find one who works on a "sliding scale" based on your income or assets, or possibly your families insurance will cover all or part of it (assuming there is insurance). Everything today is a disease or condition. Take advantage of that. Get help and search for why you feel the need to lie and steal from your family. Often conditions like yours are rooted in an unmet "need" in your life, or a past trauma. Until you get help... stop lying. Stop today, right now. Face the consequences of your actions and become transparent. Don't hide your problem, or hide from your problem!
Mr. Lucky Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 So regardless of what I've done, why just give up. I don't think you give up, but you have to address the underlying issues here. You can't function in your marriage (or any other relationship) without understanding the reasons behind your self-destructive actions. While you didn't intentionally set out to undermine things, you can see how it might appear that way to your husband. So unless you can identify the motives and things that trigger your spending and subsequent cover-up, what confidence could he have that the cycle won't just start all over again? You don't need to work on your marriage, you need to work on you. And that's a tough challenge to take on and and even tougher one to succeed at. Like I said before, there's a lot of work ahead of you. The spending represents something that's not about money. A good therapist could help you figure it out. And that's probably your best - and maybe only - chance to save your marriage... Mr. lucky
2sure Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 married4ever - I am sure you love your husband as much as you state you do. And he may still love you just as much. But this great love has not been able to overcome your problem. Your H is now realizing that not only is he frustrated with the continued behavior - but probably realizes that he has been all this time ENABLING you to carry on with the behavior. Maybe he sees the only way to stop doing that is to leave the marriage. I suppose you could ask him if, before moving on with divorce, he would consider some kind of therapy for both of you. I wonder if he has ever really identified this as not just your problem but a problem with the marriage that takes two to solve. Maybe there is something else he can do besides leaving , to stop enabling you. Now, this word Enabler...somehow sounds like he is in part at fault - but that is not what it means at all.
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