charvisioku Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 My boyfriend and I are in a relationship which has been going for around 4 and a half months, just to set the scene. I'm his first girlfriend (he's 22), and as a result he's very clingy and needy. I have no problems with that, seeing as I can understand because I'm similar but for different reasons (too many 'bad' boyfriends I suppose). It's quite difficult because of an age difference (not huge, about 5 and a half years if it's looked at mathematically), which my Mum doesn't approve of. She makes it very difficult by having a go at me every... I don't know, it's around every 3 or so days. And I mean starting a big argument, not just a little rant. I accept that there are issues with the relationship, and that she is worried about me, but he is not opposed to being around her as he realises that it's necessary to get to know my Mum to gain her trust. He tried to make some points (nothing disrespectful) when she had a go at us both a few days ago, but was very fidgety and nervous. She used this against him whilst having a go at me yesterday and made fun. I really resent this and told her so, and she decided I sound like him - how this works, I have no idea. She then went on to say he patronizes her - how can he patronize her whilst looking at the floor and being terrified of her? This isn't him being a 'wimp'. If you had seen my Mum when she is in her rants, you would understand she can (like most Mothers) bring even the most headstrong man to a gibbering wreck. My Dad doesn't know about him, as my Dad has never really had any emotional input into my life and left when I was 4. He's still there and I still see him sometimes but he makes zero effort usually. Mum uses "Well tell your Dad if it's so right, then" as a weapon about this relationship, which is very unfair as she spends most conversations about my Dad on calling him a waste of space. If he's such a waste of space, then why does he need to know? That doesn't hold any logic for me - tell me if I'm wrong on that. I am 16 and I know this is a large gap, but I'm mature for my age (would I ask for help and listen to advice if I wasn't?) and he is quite immature, really. (All due respect to him - he's mature when it comes to responsibilities and so on; I mean immature as in on the same wavelength as me... maybe immature's the wrong word?) I'm in 6th Form College and he is going back to Uni next year (failed his last year). It's a long-distance (yes, I know I should have posted this on the Long-Distance Forum - sorry) and this of course makes it tougher as my Mum has more to complain about. I have a few things I would like advice on - and please don't complain at me about the age-gap; that is not where any of the problem lies apart from the stance my Mum holds on the relationship. 1) My Mum and I both have... short tempers I suppose... and as a result, it is hard to have a civil conversation about the relationship. I have tried several times and it always - without fail - ends with shouting (usually on her part, sometimes on both) and general arguments. How can I approach this with enough caution to avoid conflict? Also, I have tried the "get her when she's calm" option. Didn't work 2) The relationship between me and him is strong and intense, which is how I like it, but we cope well with being apart (or as well as is possible). He had a couple of one-night stands in the past whilst in his freshers year at Uni (not whilst he was with me, just to clear up any misunderstanding), and they were a result of his insecurities at the time and feeling that he was weird for being a 19/20 year old virgin. He now wants to ask the girl who took his virginity whether she actually cared about him. Now, I trust that it is just a desire to get closure for his past, but I can't help feeling a touch uneasy. This isn't anything to do with him, or her (she's as far from being a possible threat in my eyes as Yogi Bear) but I... well I suppose it's just a "do you really have to?" thing. Tell me if this is immature as I'm uncertain in that respect. Is it something to worry about or keep a watch on? The girl also now has a boyfriend. I just need somebody else's perspective on this as (you may have gathered this ) I don't feel comfortable going to my Mum on it. Thankyou very much A!r
konfuzd Posted October 30, 2008 Posted October 30, 2008 and please don't complain at me about the age-gap; that is not where any of the problem lies apart from the stance my Mum holds on the relationship. It always bothers me when people post on a public forum and try to direct the responses. All you are saying is, "I want your opinion, as long as what it's what I want to hear." I don't care what you want to hear. The truth of the matter is a 22 year old has NO business being with a 16 year old. I would be furious if I were your mother as well. She has every right to be angry with you, and not leave it up for discussion. This guy is a pedophile. A mother's job is to protect her children from people like this guy. She is not the bad guy here. She has your best interests at heart, you may think you are grown up and mature, and know everything like most 16 year olds but the fact is you are a child. You are her child, and maybe you should listen to what she's saying.
Author charvisioku Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 Pedophile? I'm at the age of consent, so how can he be? Nice to know there're lots of broad-minded people on here. Thankyou for your concern but that was a worthless reply as I posted for advice, not judgement and lectures. I don't know what you hope to achieve by posting what you did, but it was about as useful as a chocolate fireguard. Sorry to be so blunt. And I know I don't know everything; nobody ever said I did. This is what winds me up about older people. They forget that teenagers are human too. I'm intelligent enough to realise that I have a lot to learn. Keep your nags to yourself, grandma Sorry... just couldn't resist playing up to the "you're a child" comment as it amuses me more than anything else.
Author charvisioku Posted October 31, 2008 Author Posted October 31, 2008 All you are saying is, "I want your opinion, as long as what it's what I want to hear." I don't care what you want to hear. But all joking and mocking aside, no, I am not asking you to say what I want to hear. I know that my decision is not what everyone would agree with, but I can assure you that there have been much 'worse' things than this to happen with people (That didn't mean me personally). You say that I think I know it all (which is a gross misunderstanding) yet you try to preach to me about who I should and shouldn't be with. Now that is just purely hypocritical. Also, if I only wanted things said if I wanted to hear them... well, obvious question coming up: Why would I post on a forum? Why not just ask personal friends who would (in some cases) tell me what I want to hear? Surely that would be the route for tailored responses? I knew I'd get someone like you saying that, and the only reason I asked people not to complain of the age-gap is that it... well, it bores me if I'm going to be blunt. I apologize again for the harsh replies, and I guess in your own way you're trying to help, but sorry, no deal. Toodles
LiveKhaos Posted October 31, 2008 Posted October 31, 2008 I don't care what you want to hear. The truth of the matter is a 22 year old has NO business being with a 16 year old. I would be furious if I were your mother as well. She has every right to be angry with you, and not leave it up for discussion. Actually a 22 yr old LEGALLY CAN have business seeing a 16 yr old becuase if she has given him consent then there is no statutory rape involved...its after 24 that a guy/girl cant be involved with anyone under 18 with consent or not. Just thought I'd throw that out there...lol
Author charvisioku Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 Actually a 22 yr old LEGALLY CAN have business seeing a 16 yr old becuase if she has given him consent then there is no statutory rape involved.. Thankyou, LiveKhaos - at least someone's done some research
itgirlragdoll Posted November 1, 2008 Posted November 1, 2008 As long as you live in your mother's house and depend on her for financial support (maybe you aren't, I'm just assuming), you can't expect her to fully treat you as an adult and respect every decision you make. As long as a parent is supporting they are automatically treating you as a child, so the way they treat you when it comes to your social life is going to be on the same wavelength. Which is childlike. I am not judging you or claiming you or your boyfriend are bad people. My boyfriend is 11 years older than me, so it's pretty obvious that I'm a relatively unbiased voice. However, I'm 21. Had I been seeing him when I was 16 and he was 27 this would be a different story. All I can say is you may have to wait it out, until you are independent and living on your own (whether at school or not). So long as your life is dependent on the support of others, you really can't have a life of your own. Just the way it works. Sorry.
Author charvisioku Posted November 1, 2008 Author Posted November 1, 2008 As long as you live in your mother's house and depend on her for financial support (maybe you aren't, I'm just assuming), you can't expect her to fully treat you as an adult and respect every decision you make. As long as a parent is supporting they are automatically treating you as a child, so the way they treat you when it comes to your social life is going to be on the same wavelength. Which is childlike. I see what you mean here - never actually thought of it like that. So basically I've only really got another year and a half of this then haha. Oh well, I'm sure I'll get used to it; after all, if we can survive my Mum's constant interference I guess it would generally follow that we're a strong couple... thanks Much appreciated
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