Unrequited Love

[ron23804]

Okay, here goes. I am new at this. I have a story about unrequited love, and any input from whomever reads this will be appreciated. Okay, so I'm a single father of three boys. I am in the military so I need a nanny to take care of them. I have been a single parent for over five years and for most of that time, I didn't date. I didn't think I could ever fall in love again. I tried to date, but wasn't getting anything out of it. Then I started having sex without dating, friends with benefits kind of things. Okay so maybe I'm a bad guy, but believe me, I'm not trying to be. This is just the background about who I am. I had four previous nannies for my children. I had no romantic affiliations with any of them. My last Nanny quit right before I had to go away for three months. I somehow found a last minute replacement who was willing to take the job on short notice. She has a ten year old daughter, and she was needing to find a job as a live in full time nanny. My three boys are ages 11, 8, and 6, if that matters. Anyways, I have a roommate as well who is also in the military. He has been my roommate for about as long as I've been single (five years) but he's been my friend for over ten years. He was away when I hired my nanny, and he didn't get back until after I left. I told her about him, but that wasn't an issue with her. The only issue was because she has her own daughter, we needed to find a bigger place in which to reside. So between herself and my roommate they found a bigger place when I was gone, and she did the move by herself between school years (to minimize any difficulties for the children) and then I came back. I've only been back for a little over a month. The whole time I was gone, I didn't have any feelings for her. It took about two days after I got back to start to realize how wonderful she really is. I started having feelings for her without even realizing it. Those feelings snuck up on me. I said earlier that I didn't think I'd ever have feelings like that again, and I meant it. I have been badly burned by the mother of my children and didn't think I could possibly ever open up and trust another woman again. Anyways, I will go into details later, but please believe that a) my feelings are real, not "puppy love" or "a crush", and b) her actions oft times indicated to me that she might reciprocate if I expressed my feelings for her.

 

Well, after about two weeks of this, I was just about to tell her how I felt when I started getting mixed signals. She was stilll quite affectionate to me. Now don't misunderstand me. We didn't kiss, but we did touch more often then normal. She'd sit down right beside me, right up against me. I'd be lying on my couch and she'd come over and lie down right beside me. These displays of what I thought were intimacy weren't in my imagination. We were getting along very well. Occasionally, we'd touch each other's hands during a converstion to emphasize a point. One time, I said something to her like "I know I cannot ask for a specific commitment, but if you ever feel that you need to quit, please give me as much notice as possible, as I never want to have to find a last minute replacement nanny again". She held my hand and said "Don't worry about it. Commitment isn't such a bad thing". Okay. So hopefully you agree that I'm not just overinterpreting her actions. I actually had reason to believe that she might have started having feelings for me, as well. Then one night, we were sitting side by side and looking at my laptop when my roommate came home. She immediately jumped up. I thought that was odd. I could only assume that she didn't want him to see her that close to me. I was curious at that point wondering why she wouldn't want him to see us that close. I thought either she might have had feelings for him, or that she didn't want to appear to be getting close to me for some other reason. Later that night I went upstairs to talk to him and they were in the hallway, chatting quietly. I wondered if I had misinterpreted her feelings towards me, and maybe she had feelings for him? Can you please see how confusing this was for me? Well, a couple of days later, my friend texted me stating that he was taking her out for dinner. I went up to his room and asked him what was going on? He said he had been having sex with her for a couple of months. I asked him why didn't he tell me about it? He said he didn't think it was a big deal, he thought I'd just congratulate him and that'd be it. He said it was my decision on whether or not to tell the children about it. So I said, are you just having sex with her or do you have feelings for her? He laughed and said of course he was just having sex with her. That she meant absolutely nothing to him. We men can be so crass sometimes. I didn't realize that before, but I do now, and yes I feel guilty becasue I've been crass myself at times towards those type of relationships. He swore he wasn't lying, that there was absolutely no way he'd ever end up in love with her. So I told him that I wished he'd told me sooner and when he asked why, I told him I was starting to have real feelings for her, and thought she might be having similar feelings towards me. I said that I was just about to tell her how I felt, but now I don't see how she could have feelings for me, if she's having sex with him. He said go ahead and tell her. It wouldn't matter to him if she liked me. He just couldn't care less. So I did tell her. Now, while she did not reciprocate those feelings, she didn't tell me that she never could. I could not bring myself to tell her everything he said about her, and I'm not writing it in here either. Just know that it was crass. He has been my friend for a long time, and I don't think he's lying to cover up any embarassment at having feelings. I've seen him in these type of relationships with womean several times in the past, and he always tells me the same thing, that it's just sex without feelings. He'll tell them anything they want to hear as long as he's getting sex. So he's telling the woman I now love lies to keep having sex with her, but he's definitely willing to let me have her, if she ever wants me. Well, initially, I told her I was starting to have feelings, and I warned her about my friends track record with women. Again, I could not bring myself to tell her exactly what he said. She has admitted to being frustrated with their realtionship, how he sometimes ignores her, won't do certain things with her socially, stuff like that. She has said things like "I really know how to pick 'em, don't I?" And she hasn't told me that she is in love with him, but I am certain that she is. I have since told her that I was being too wishy-washy, that if a man knows he's in love with someone, then he should be a man and let her know, and that in fact I do love her. I know she's in a relationship with a friend of mine, but I also know that that relationship will hit a dead end, sooner or later. I've seen it time after time. I guess I could just be patient and wait it out, but I want her now. There's no guarantee that she'd ever end up with me anyway, but something in me makes me believe that she does like me, and would be with me if not for him. Now, to make matters worse, I had a dream the other night that she was pregnant. I told her about it, and got a weird reaction. She told me that she thought she was pregnant. So we went to Target and bought one of those home pregnancy tests, and yes she's pregnant. How the heck could I be so in tune with her to have that kind of dream? That really freaks me out. I am not normally a superstitious person, but what I've just typed is absolutely the truth. Now, she still hasn't decided what to do. We are the only two people that know about her pregnancy. Shouldn't the fact that she is still clinging to the hopes of being with him and also the fact that she's pregnant by my friend be enough to make me stop loving her? Well, it's not! I somehow love her even more, and I know that he's going to eventually hurt her, and I don't want to see her hurt. But shouldn't the fact that even when he hurts her, (and if she turns to me at that time) mean that I'm only second best in her eyes? Shouldn't that make me fall out of love with her? I wish. But I don't even care. Honestly, sometimes she says she thinks (but I'm not sure who she's trying to convince) that he's lying to me. That he really loves her, but is too embarrassed to admit it to me. But I know better. I've seen this before. Another one of his former girlfriends got pregnant. He was willing to pay either for an abortion or child support, but that's it. He wasn't going to marry her. And he is going to do the same thing this time, I'm sure. I guess the possibility does exist that he's lying to me, but I really don't think so. I almost wish he was, because I really want her to be happy. I would of course love to be the one that ultimately makes her happy, for my own selfish reasons, but I really just want her to be happy. So what do I do? I'm the victim of unrequited love. I didn't ask for it, but I've got it. I'm trying to minimize the amount of conversation we have about this, because it sometimes ends up with her being upset. Sometimes she gets mad at me and says I'm the one that's lying. But if their relationship is so healthy, why hasn't she told him she's pregnant yet? Also, when I told her I was going to be more decisive, and that indeed I did love her, I kind of took her in my arms and she didn't push me back. She let me kiss her a little, ( I didn't go for the lips, I felt that I could have, and that it would have been welcomed, but I resisted for some unknown reason) but yet I kissed her all over her neck and face. She's let me massage her back. She really seems to enjoy all the attention I give her. For example, when we go out to eat, I always ask what she wants before the waiter gets there, and then order for the both of us, ordering her meal first. Okay, she made a point to thank me for that, saying that she thought that is what a man should do. I've been out to eat with the both of them, and when the waiter comes he lets her order for herself. So I know she's comparing things like that between us.

 

Well, any advice will be greatly appreciated on what I should do. Probably I should just do nothing, let their relationship run its course, and see what happens next. But, in the meantime, how do I keep from having these awkward conversations that I stupidly keep bringing up? I'm not trying to "steal" her away from him. I don't consider it "stealing" since he's given me the okay to express my feelings towards her, and he doesn't even want her for anything but sex. I'm only trying to show her that she is worthy of being loved. That I know he's been inattentive, and that I don't think that's going to change. But, like I've said half the time she seems to agree with me and the other half she accuses me of being a liar. I have even brought up the point to her that I'm the victim of unrequited love, to please understand that I've verbalized feelings for her and she did not reciprocate. That also she has not denied having feelings for me either. She asked me if that's what I wanted, for her to tell me we could never be together, and I said no, but if it's true, then I need to know, to which she still hasn't denied having feelings for me. Besides, if she's holding feelings for my freind, how could she even know if she could ever love me? Right now, I cannot imagine loving anyone else, because of my feelings for her. So how could it be different for her? I honestly think we're capable of being in love, and I really think we would be in love if not for her relationship with my friend. I've even considered that maybe we are in love, some weird kind of love that I don't even comprehend. She keeps telling me that no matter what happens, she's not going to quit being our nanny. (Whether or not she and he break up. that is. She says that she would still live her should they break up.) She's just not completely convinced that they will break up, again half of the time. I want to give her space and time, but I think the longer they're together, the more the breakup will affect her. I am also certain that when (or if) she tells him she's pregnant, that that will effectively end their relationship, because he's not going to give her the attention she's going to need from him at that point. I just know it. He's not going to change and fall in love and marry her. I believe this because as previously mentioned, I've seen this happen with him before. He may even ask her if she's sure the baby is his. That'll break her heart, for sure. I know she's been monogomous with him, and he should know it as well.

 

Last thing for now. I'll answer any questions I may get, of course. I blew it today. I started talking about it again, which I guess I'm not supposed to be doing. Whenever we first start talking about it, she seems fine with the conversation. But when it inevitably turns into why I think he'll hurt her, she obviously gets upset, and sometimes agrees with me and sometimes calls me a liar. Today, it was that I was a liar. She said "I thought you were just going to quit talking about it, and wait and see what happens with my existing relationship?" And she's right, I did agree to wait and see, and to quit bringing it up. To which I responded "You know I don't want to say or do the wrong things, but the topic of conversation just keeps coming up." For example, this morning I wasn't saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. She sat down and we watched television for a while. Then she went up to her room for an hour or so. She came back down to get some food and said, "You were being weird this morning", and I said "How was I being weird?" She said that I wasn't saying anything. To which I replied "I wasn't saying anything for fear of saying the wrong thing. The last thing I want to do is upset you again." And that was the start of our most recent conversation. Of course she said "What do you mean?" And I said "You get so upset when we talk about the pregnancy and your relationship with my friend and my feelings for you and all", which led to us talking about it again, which I'm trying not to do, and resulted (in this instance) in her calling me a liar again.

 

[she says I'm just assuming things about him and their relationship. At times, she refuses to believe that he's lying to her, because of what he says to her in private, that I'm not privy to. I remind her that the coin is always two-sided, that she doesn't know what he says to me in private. She says I should tell her exactly what he says to me in private, and when I say "Well, he's pretty crass about it" she wants to know verbatum what he says. I've told her that he said he was just using her for sex, that he'll say anything to her that he thinks she wants to hear in order for him to keep having sex, and that he'll never have any feelings for her. But she wants specific quotes on his crassness, and I'm just not going to give them to her. I don't think repeating exactly what he's said will help the situation. Do you? Plus, I'd feel a little like I was betraying his friendship then, because he told me the "crass quotes" before he knew I had feelings for her. Anyways, I don't think reapeating "crass quotes" is at all beneficial. She'll find out herself in time how he really is. That's his style. He's nice enough. He's not trying to hurt anyone. And he doesn't think he's ever hurt anyone. He just takes what he can from a relationship until the woman has had enough and demands a committment, which he's never given, and states that he'll never give. He waits and has all the sex he can get until the woman eventually breaks up with him. Sometimes this takes a long time, and sometimes it doesn't take very long at all. ]

 

Sometimes, though, as I've said, such conversations I have with her end up with her agreeing with me (althougth she's still upset), saying such things as "Yes, I know he'll never love me." So I'm really torn here. I really didn't want these feelings, especially for my nanny. I honestly never had any of these type of feelings for any of my former nannies, so please don't just think of me as some lonesome goon, desparate for love from whomever. I was pretty content not having these feelings, and not ever again wanting to have them. But don't get me wrong. I do like having them. At times there is a certain type of euphoria that goes along with unrequited love, just look it up on Wikipedia, or other more legitimate resources. I do feel more alive than I have in years. I am giddy, whereas giddiness was only a part of my very distant past. I am exploring new thoughts and ideas that I never thought I'd explore again. Let me go ahead and state that I am wondering if I've ever experienced love before. It's never felt so tangible. I thought I was in love a few times in my life, but those feelings pale in comparison to this. She is the only thing I really think about, so maybe I am a little lovesick, but I'm trying to be rational here, trying to place square logic into round emotions. I didn't ask for it, and I'm not sure I want it, but it's kind of wonderful at the same time. It'll be very hard if I don't end up with her. So am I thinking clearly here? Do you think I might end up with her, or am I just so deeply in love that I can't see the forest for the trees? Please understand that I want to do what's right, for me and for her. If I need to back off, I'll back off. But read that Wikipedia article on "unrequited love" to understand what's going on here, if you're not familiar with the term. I wasn't, but I've been using the internet as a resource to try to understand what's happening to me. According to Wikipedia, I'm in jeopardy of ruining a friendship, (hers and mine-my male friend could care less, remember?) and that's the last thing I want to do. I hope, I really hope, I am telling the truth here. I mean, I hope I'm not kidding myself. Do you think I might be kidding myself? I want whatever she's willing to give. I want her in my life in whatever capacity she's willing to be. I want her to be happy, and I'd really love it if I could help her find that happiness, but ultimately, I just want her to be happy, and I don't see it in her current realtionship. If any of you objective straight-thinkers out there that have endured reading all of this have any suggestions for me about anything, your help will be greatly appreciated. I am so new at this. I feel like such a moron at times. I hate that I'm seeking help, but that's how much I want to do the right thing, and this forum seems like a great resource. I don't really have anyone that I can talk to about it, and I like the anonymity the internet provides. If you need more information, just ask. I'll keep an eye on this post, to see what happens, and thanks in advance for caring.

[motive2002]

Hi ron.

 

Early in your post you claim that your feelings are real, and not a crush or puppy love, but I'm afraid I'll have to disagree a little. Your feelings are real, yes, but with everything I've read (and yes, I read the entire thing) it looks like a hard-core crush. I know that how you feel is contradictory to that, but it seems like you're far from grounded in this situation.

 

I'm going to work from a few quotes in your post:

Now, while she did not reciprocate those feelings, she didn't tell me that she never could.

The first part of that sentence is reality, the second part is pure wishful thinking. If she does not reciprocate those feelings, and has told you so directly, you have to take that for what it is. Unrequited, like you said.

 

How the heck could I be so in tune with her to have that kind of dream?

You are completely sprung. If you dreamed she spilled milk on the floor, and it happened the next day, you'd swear it was the universe trying to bring you together. Weird coincidences happen, but it doesn't mean it's "fate" of "kismet" or whatever. That's all in your own mind.

 

Right now, I cannot imagine loving anyone else, because of my feelings for her. So how could it be different for her?

You are projecting your feelings onto her. You feel that way therefore she should? That isn't how love works at all. Again, the first part of the sentence is pure crush. Can't imagine loving anyone else?

 

I really didn't want these feelings, especially for my nanny.

BINGO! She's hired help living under the same roof and banging your roommate. I think this dry spell without having "feelings" for someone has really distorted your view of reality and the situation before you.

 

You are pushing yourself onto her because you have such strong feelings for her, up to and including kissing on her etc. Had you ever thought for a second, "what the hell am I doing? She's the nanny and having sex with my friend!" And now she's pregnant with his baby?

It seems to me that the best thing to do would be getting a different nanny. You might even consider getting a different roommate too while your at it.

 

If you take one thing from this reply I hope it is this:

You simply CANNOT make someone love you, no matter what your own feelings are.. and the more you try, the further you will push them away from you. Your feelings are just that.. yours. If the are not reciprocated then you just have to accept that. That's all there is to it. She's not the only woman you could ever love.. that's where your furthest from reality.

 

You haven't had feelings like this for someone in a long time, and it's got you acting and thinking irrationally. You won't see this so clearly now, but in time you will. Trust me.

 

I am speaking from a bit of experience here ron. Reading your post was like reading my own behavior less than a year ago. I was in love, it was the real thing and nobody, including my love interest could tell me different. That is a very scary thing once you get the right perspective on it.

 

Find someone that you can really trust (not your roomate or your love interest) that you can discuss this with, and show them this post, or a copy of it.

 

You blurted out all your feelings to her and called yourself a victim of unrequited love... to HER. This was an act of desperation.. you're pushing her so hard.. and she isn't going to budge. You simply cannot make someone have feelings for you.

 

I'm sorry to be so blunt. Had I not seen myself so much in this post, I wouldn't have come across so harsh.. but man, I wish someone had for me back then. Would have saved me a lot of grief... but then I was so sprung, who knows if it would have ever got through anyway...

[ron23804]

Hey, man, thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it. Don't forget I've even queried in my original post whether or not I have been kidding myself. Anyway, about the deal with finding a new roommate...he's been my friend for several years. He started having sex with her well before I ever had feelings for her and is willing to quit seeing her if that means anything. I'm wondering why you think I need to find a new roommate? He's done nothing to me. His attitude towards her is reprehensible, but that's a similar attitude I once held myself, so I think it would be utterly hypocritical for me to cast him out of my life. We've really been tight for a long time.

 

Also, maybe I wasn't clear about a point in my original diatribe. She's told me that she does share an emotional connection with me, but she's got these feelings with my roommate to contend with first. She has stated that she cannot tell me how she feels about me until she comes to terms with her relationship with my roommate. She did not tell me that she doesn't love me, even stating that she cannot reciprocate my feelings "right now". She has left her feelings for me open to interpretation. Maybe you understood all of that, but I got the feeling that you thought she told me that she didn't love me and never would. That would be far from the truth. She has asked me to wait to see how her current relationship pans out. She also said that it would be up to me. She said she doesn't think it's fair for me to wait, and she doesn't know how long it would even take. Do you think that she's playing both sides of the fence? That she's getting her physical needs from him and her emotional needs from me? Do you blame her for that?

 

And when I said "Right now, I cannot imagine loving anyone else, because of my feelings for her. So how could it be different for her?" I meant that if she's in love with my roommate how could she ever imagine loving me? I got the feeling that you thought I was projecting that I thought she loved me because I loved her. Sorry that I wasn't more clear. I actually believe that she's a victim of unrequited love as well. I think she absolutely loves my roommate and I also believe he's just using her for sex, telling her he loves her when he doesn't just to have sex, or something like that. Again, I'm not privy to what he says to her when I'm not around. I further believe she understands what he's doing, but is fighting it, because of her love for him. Just like if someone right now professed their love to me, I couldn't reciprocate it because of my feelings for another woman. It wouldn't mean that one day I coudn't reciprocate it, but just "right now" I couldn't. It's complicated to me, but by drawing parallels, I'm hoping to understand it better.

 

Now, as for firing her? I also think it would be unfair to cast her out because she's done nothing wrong either. I don't think anyone's done anything against me. Nobody made me develop feelngs for her. It would have been nice if I had known about their relationship before returning home. That way my guard would have been up, and I would have considered her off-limits, but neither one of them thought I would develop feelings for her. Remember that when I hired her I really had a real need for an immediate replacement nanny. I could have gotten in a lot of trouble with the military if I missed departing on time. They don't like to hear a lot about family problems. So she was there for me when I really needed someone. I had friends that could have helped me out back then that just wouldn't do it. She also has a daughter in school. She's trying to provide structure and consistency for her daughter as I am for my boys. So I think that by me firing her, that would also be unfair. And, in case you're wondering, the children are not being made aware of any of this. She doesn't want to tell her child, so that also indicates to me the finiteness of her current relationship.

 

Now, in lieu of all of this and still thinking that the logic behind your advice is sound, let me ask you this. Should I leave the home for a year or so to get away from everything and maybe find some perspective? I could volunteer for a tour in Iraq or Afghanistan. Or do you think that the advice you've already given me is still appropriate? I would like to hear back from you. I don't discredit your advice, but I also wanted to extrapolate on my earlier points, in case I wasn't being entirely clear.

 

Again, thanks for caring, and taking time to repsond. When I decide to post on here, I thought for sure I'd get responses that were rude or unkind, and yours wasn't anything like that. Your concern is genuine and I really appreciate you're taking the time to reply.

[motive2002]

She has stated that she cannot tell me how she feels about me until she comes to terms with her relationship with my roommate. She did not tell me that she doesn't love me, even stating that she cannot reciprocate my feelings "right now".

 

Hmm, so you might have a shot if her and your friend don't work out? I dunno about you, but I'd rather be someones first choice rather than their second. I wouldn't let her string me along like that as a "plan B"

It's going to be hard being just her friend when you have such a strong desire to be with her. I know suggesting a new nanny was a bit drastic, but her living under the same roof with all this going on is bound to make things awkward and uncomfortable, mostly for her... and from what you said, you keep hounding the issue with her and that will grow old fast.

If you keep pestering her, and telling her how things aren't gonna work out with her and your buddy, and go on and on about your feelings for her, she may get fed up with it and leave on her own accord.

 

Have you ever been the target of someone's unwanted affection? Have you ever used that affection to bolster your own ego, knowing that it's wrong and could lead them on but yet you do it anyway? I can't say that's what she's doing for sure, but If it comes down between you and your buddy, and she picks your buddy then it's time to face the facts and move on. You don't have to tell her that you're moving on.. just do it. put an ad in the singles section, or an online dating site. Meet new people. Get busy with hobbies.. DO SOMETHING. Spending time pining after this woman, or going on about feelings etc etc appears to be a big waste of time for you.

 

Whatever you do, don't do it in hopes that she'll "come around". She is your nanny and your friends girlfriend. If he's going to play her or use her for sex.. that's their business.

 

Here's a interesting thought.. say that the two of you DID get together.. and she has a baby.. how fun is that going to be knowing who the baby's daddy is? Something tells me that it would bother you.. moreso than you might think now.

 

I feel a little in over my head on this one.. but if it was me, I would try my hardest to dinstance myself from the whole thing. Not geographically necessarily.. but mentally if possible. Like I said, get busy doing other things and meeting new people.

 

Oh and please don't take my advice as gold. I'm just a bitter guy on the internet that had a simliar unrequited love. I'd hate to think of you doing something drastic like marching off to Afghanastan because of anything I said

 

Keep your cool. Make decisions based on logic rather than emotion, if at all possible... and take care!

 

~motive

[ron23804]

Alright, bro, thanks. I think all this typing about it has been a little therapeutic. I appreciate your advice, and sorry to hear that you've had a similar situation. I think things have started getting better. Every time I start thinking about it, I have just been telling myself things like "She's with him right now. It won't last and she'll find out that it won't last when she finds out. If I still care for her then, then I'll deal with it then", stuff like that. I just keeping repeating it to myself, to distract the other thoughts. I am in the military and I am away from the home for periods of time, and I'm leaving Monday for a week or so, so I'm hoping that distance helps as well. And I had thought of doing the Iraq or Afghanistan tour anyways before I posted on here, but the only thing that's really holding me back is having to spend too much time away from my boys, who are really my top priority. That's another thing that's been bothering me. She and they have really bonded. She's exactly what they need in their life. She has been their best caregiver they've ever had. Oh, and I'm not young. I'm 43 years old. I've been married, and have had several commited relationships. Maybe you're right. The time away from having these kind of feelings may have set me up for this type of experience. Today was actually kind of decent. I'm sure there will be good and bad days for a while, and I'm trying to prepare myself mentally for that. I guess for anyone else who's reading all of this, just know that something like this can happen, and try to brace yourself for it. I sometimes wish I had just kept my feelings to myself, but I would still be having unrequited love. I think they call it carrying a torch for someone when you don't verbalize your feelings to the "adored". Regardless, I still think the best course of action is to tell the person you admire the truth, and then do something I didn't do....prepare yourself in advance for the eventuality that she (or he) may not reciprocate. It's totally like being fate's bitch when unrequited love occurs, but what can we do about it? Don't give in to the despair, understand that there certainly are other people out there for you, and do your best to move on. I think the best "cure" is to remove that person from your life, but I just happen to have a trickier situation than most. Oh, and I do still love her, but I'm trying to accept that I'm either in love with the wrong person, or it's just the wrong time.

 

But anyway, thanks for the communication. It really has helped. Just typing this stuff on here helps, too. If you have any further ideas or thoughts, just let me know. Hopefully, thing'll cool off. Oh, man. I forgot, I was going to update the situation. Remember when I typed all that stuff yesterday about how I was being too quiet for fear of saying the wrong things? She told me I was acting weird? Anyways, she was trying to open up a dialog, she told me this last night when the children were asleep. She told me that she was going to have an abortion. On Tuesday. She still doesn't know if she's even going to tell my roommate that she got pregnant. I asked her why, and she said that I said I would be supportive of her regardless of her decision, which I did say. I emphasized that I would still be supportive. But I don't get it. If you guys have any thoughts on this, let me know. We have talked about her keeping it. She wanted to know that if we ended up together in the future if I would have a problem with her keeping the baby, which is when I said I was going to be supportive no matter what her decision would be. I really thought she was going to keep the baby. I'm still not sure if she's going to go through with the abortion or not. I don't know whether or not I should try to influence her decision, or whether or not I've already unknowingly influenced her decision. I don't want to take ownership of this, by any means, but I can't help but think that since I'm the only one who knows she's pregnant means that I'm the only one who could influence her decision. She hasn't even told her family, or anyone else. So far, we haven't discussed this very much, except for the fact that I'll be away next week when she has the abortion, and I offered to take some more time off from work to be with her, but she said she could handle it. I don't even know much about abortions, but I guess she's going to have it when the children are in school, and she says she'll be physically okay to take care of them. I thought she might be physically weakened by the process. The whole thing still confuses me. I could type more, but I'm not sure it's relevant to the whole situation. It's just that she keeps acting like there's this possibility that when she's done with my roommate, that she'll be with me, but I keep telling myself that I don't want to be second choice. But she keeps confiding in me, and acting as if we might be together. It's almost like she is my girlfriend, but that I have to share her with another man. Anyways, I guess I'm still working through this as best as I can, and keep getting in a little deeper. Here's one last thought for you to chew on.....She has sworn me to secrecy about the pregnancy, and I don't think she'll ever forgive me if I told my friend about it. But should I? Doesn't he have a right to know, especially before she has the abortion. I know that ultimately it's a woman's right to choose. But I still can't help but think that he should at least have the right to know. I think that I should probably not betray her confidence, but maybe I should influence her to at least tell him. Now, would that come across as looking after my own best interests, though? Because I do believe that by her telling him, that it would effectively end their relationship, as stated before in a previous post. It's hard for me to look at that objectively. I really don't think I can betray her confidence, even typing this on the internet feels a little like a betayal, but the only people that could read all of this and know who I'm taling about are the people involved. It would suck if either of them googled "unrequited love" and found it, but whatever. I'm rambling. Any thoughts on this new situation, Motive? If you're tired of corresponding, no problem. But as I've said it still helps to type about it. I can't believe I almost forgot to give an update, especially one of this significance. Also, I want to know what other reasons you can come up with for why she's apparantly decided to have this abortion. Do you think that she's afraid that he'll think she's trying to "trap" him? Or do you think that she's possibly considering the future consequences having this baby may have on a future relationship with me or even someone else? I want to think that she knows (whether consciously or subconciously) that her relationship with my roommate will dead end, and she thinks that having this baby will have negative consequences on any future relationships that she may have. I know that I'm still guilty of wishful thinking, even though I'm working on it very hard. I know I still love her, and I know that I need to move on and let whatever happens in the future happen. But I still welcome any thoughts, Motive, that you have on this, or anyone else that's reading. Motive, so far I think you've been pretty spot on. I know you've had a similar experience with unrequited love, and I feel that you can empathize with my own experience. Just know I'm trying to move on. As you know, that's easier said than done, but I am trying. I didn't bring it up today, so as I've said earlier, today was a good day. I'm pretty pleased with myself for not bringing it up to her. I think every day that goes by without me bringing it up is one day closer to ending this madness. Okay, well, I'll give future updates, and if you have any more thoughts, I'd love to hear them.